Rachel told Caradoc to pick some other time, and James had reiterated it a dozen times over. They'd insisted that while they understood why he was cutting ties with Holly Elizabeth, doing it after her great victory was cruel, too cruel.

But they didn't understand. Caradoc was the only one who knew Holly Elizabeth well enough to know what was right for this, and he knew it was the only way to make her so upset that she wouldn't suspect, that she wouldn't even imagine what he was doing, and that she wouldn't fight to keep him from pushing her away. And if she fought, he would never hold his resolve.

Because he loved her.

And it was because he loved her that he was standing outside the changing rooms, trying to gather his thoughts, trying to think of the best expression to put on that will make her believe he's truly cross.

"Oh."

Caradoc turned toward the voice and saw James coming out, the grin spread across his face quickly fading into something glummer.

"How long?" Caradoc asked, trying to keep his face trained. He didn't want to lose all his hard work.

"Another five minutes, maybe," James said, a full frown shifting his glasses on his nose. "You sure you don't want to wait until morning?"

"She'll never believe."

"I'm not convinced she'll believe anyway. You don't really care about Quidditch, mate."

Caradoc shook his head, turning to look at the changing room door, trying to picture her coming through it with the biggest smile he'd ever seen. He would have to work very hard not to smile with her. It would take a lot of determination. He couldn't let his instincts take over.

"I have to try, James."

"Rachel doesn't get it."

"Of course she doesn't. She doesn't know why I'm doing it, just that I am. She's horrified, thinks I've cheated or something."

"You know, that could work better. Why don't you try that one? I'm sure you could pretend you've cheated. She'd definitely be outraged with that."

Caradoc snorted and said, "And who would I use? Rachel? We have all the same friends, James. She'd never believe it. Besides, you know Rachel's besotted with-"

His words halted abruptly as the Prewett twins came out of the changing rooms, laughing about some great hit they made during the match. Their smiles faded a little quicker than James's had as they spotted Caradoc standing there with their captain.

"Ah," Gideon said, frowning slightly. "She was doing her hair, mate. You've got a couple minutes yet."

The three Gryffindor boys just looked at him sympathetically as they walked away together, slowly so that Rachel would be able to catch up. She bounded out of the changing rooms predictably a moment later, not even noticing Caradoc as she shouted something at Fabian, who had already begun to laugh, jogging a bit ahead to stay just out of her reach. On any other day, Caradoc would have tried to figure out what the joke was, but he was preoccupied with the sight of Holly Elizabeth walking out, smiling even more beautifully than he'd imagined.

"How amazing was that?" she asked happily, hugging him, and Caradoc had to make a conscious effort to stiffen, to not hug her back. Every fiber of his being wanted to wrap her in his arms, to feel the happiness and excitement in her energy, to celebrate this moment with her.

But he might not get another chance if he let himself slip now, and he didn't want to think what might happen.

"It was…fine," he said, watching her frown a little as she pulled away from him to look up at his face. He hated that look.

"What's wrong?" she asked, taking a step back. "Why are you so…cranky?"

"I'm not cranky."

That was good. That was convincing. She might actually think he was upset with her now. But it was easier than he thought, because he was upset with himself, with the war, with this whole mess of a situation.

"Caradoc…"

He turned away from her, looking out at the lake. If only he had a girl he could simply tell the truth, a girl who would understand and separate from him. But then, if she were a girl like that, he wouldn't love her half as much.

"You're not coming to the party, are you?" she asked.

"Would it really make sense?" he said bitterly. "I mean, you just beat Ravenclaw, Holly Elizabeth. It's not like it was Slytherin or something."

"Is that what this is about? You're all upset that we won the Cup and you lot came in second? Caradoc, you don't even play Quidditch!"

"So?" he said, kicking at the grass aimlessly, hoping she would get fed up quickly so he could go wallow in his heartache and get it out of his system by morning.

Holly Elizabeth sighed, and he could just imagine her clenching her fists. She never hit anything, but sometimes he thought she might.

"Well, I'm not going to let your churlish mood spoil my party. I'm going up to the Tower. If you're done sulking, you can find me at breakfast and apologize."

She stormed off. Caradoc watched her go for a moment, fighting an impulse to go after her and apologize on the spot. She wouldn't take it, though, not so soon. And it would ruin everything.

He walked back to Ravenclaw Tower ten minutes later fighting back tears, barely listening to the riddle the door gave and half-thinking he wouldn't answer correctly when someone else was going out, letting him in without having to worry about it. He went straight to his dormitory, determined as he climbed into bed that he wouldn't cry.

But of all things, he sneezed, and the force of the sneeze pushed him over the edge and he found he could no longer hold in the tears. Instead, he curled up against his pillow and submitted to them, crying himself to sleep.

"What's got you all pensive, then?"

Caradoc blinked over at Dorcas, who was sitting at the Muggle coffee shop with him. They were waiting for the Death Eaters to arrive across the street at a Muggle apartment complex that they were set to attack sometime in the next week, and Dumbledore had ordered round-the-clock observation of it. Some important politician's ex-wife and children lived in the complex.

"Sorry," he muttered, stirring his coffee needlessly. "Remus said he ran into Holly Elizabeth the other day."

"Yeah, she mentioned it," Dorcas said slowly.

Caradoc sometimes forgot that Dorcas was still in touch with the girls, the ones who hadn't joined the Order. Apart from Rachel, that is. It was hard to forget that those two were thick as thieves, practically sisters. When he was reminded, however, he would think of how much he wanted to ask her about Holly Elizabeth, but there was no point in it. He couldn't even try to have her back until the war was over, whenever that day came, and by then she would likely not want him back, if she hadn't already gotten to that point.

"Sorry," he muttered. "It's just that I've got… Well, I was just thinking about the Quidditch Cup."

He never had to say more than that. The whole of the school had known that this had been the "cause" of his breakup with Holly Elizabeth, and everyone in the Order knew just how hard it had been on him. Sirius and James had been impressed with the stony, cold exterior he had put on, and it had gotten him some very interesting missions. He was a better actor than he had ever imagined. But Caradoc would have given up all the interesting missions in the war to have Holly Elizabeth back again.

"She's well, Caradoc," Dorcas said softly. "I won't say more than that. It's hard enough on you as is."

He nodded and glanced across the street. Nothing had changed in the two hours they had been there. One of them would have to report back to Headquarters in half an hour, and Caradoc knew it was likely to be him. Dorcas would want to get ready. She and the girls were supposedly going out somewhere Muggle that night, and he knew how long women took to get ready.

"This is a boring mission, isn't it?" he said. He took a sip of his coffee and was annoyed to find it quite tepid.

"We can't all have missions as exciting as yours," Dorcas teased.

Of course, that wasn't entirely fair. Dorcas got more than her share of exciting missions, ones that put her and her friends in a lot of danger. Fabian had told Caradoc on more than one occasion that he was afraid that Dorcas's involvement would end up getting Rachel hurt. Caradoc felt the same way about Holly Elizabeth, but he didn't say that out loud because he was worried Fabian would take that the wrong way.

"I'm not complaining," Caradoc said quickly. "It's just, strange isn't it? The change of pace, the sitting around for hours doing nothing. Is this what other people do?"

"Sometimes," Dorcas said slowly. "Sometimes they walk around for hours doing nothing. But I prefer the sitting, honestly. There's also a sense right now that we could sit here all day and nothing would happen, and even if something did we wouldn't really be the main targets, would we? Not like our other work."

Dorcas and Caradoc specialized in individual missions, things so dangerous that no one could know the details except Dumbledore and whomever he sent. It was an honor, but it was extremely dangerous. The isolation was such that if something were to go wrong, Caradoc would have no way of calling in help. It would be too dangerous. He would either get himself out of it, or Dumbledore would have to retrieve him when he didn't return on time. Depending on the mission and when he got into trouble, Caradoc might not have enough time in captivity to wait for Dumbledore.

He hadn't thought of himself as a risk taker when he was young. If he had been asked at school who would be chosen for missions like the ones he did, he would have said Sirius and Dorcas and James. His own name would never have even occurred to him. But his life now, it was even more dangerous and unpredictable than he could have imagined when he said that he was joining the Order, when he took up Dumbledore's offer and resolved to fight.

"Our shift is nearly over," Dorcas said, checking her watch. Caradoc could see that she'd barely touched her coffee. "I'll stay here for the last ten minutes, update the Prewetts when they get here. You go report."

Caradoc nodded, finishing his disgustingly cold coffee and casually getting up, bracing Dorcas's shoulder as he passed her, and exiting the coffee shop. He walked down the street to the nearest alleyway, casually turned down it, and focused on Order headquarters before Disapparating. When he landed on the steps to headquarters and walked casually in, he found himself in a much more comfortable setting. Something was always happening at headquarters, unlike the coffee shop where Caradoc was sure nothing had happened since it opened. Lily was inside brewing potions for their Healing cupboard and Caradoc sat down across from her.

"How was it?" Lily asked, not looking up for more than a fraction of a second. "Quiet as usual?"

"Of course," Caradoc said, smiling sadly. "Is it bad of me to wish that something more exciting was happening?"

"Not at all," Lily said, shrugging. "Sirius says the same thing every time he comes over for tea, and the only reason he's not doing anything as crazy as you are is because he likes doing things with James, and I've forbidden James from doing assignments like that."

"There aren't a lot of assignments like mine that pairs could do, anyway."

Lily just nodded, pouring the blood of something into the cauldron. They sat in silence for a moment until she said, "You're thinking about Holly Elizabeth."

"Mostly, yes," Caradoc admitted, resting his feet on the wooden beam between the legs of the table. "But the others as well. Have you seen any of them?"

"No," Lily muttered, carefully measuring out a few drops of some sort of essence. Murtlap, he thought. "Although I feel like I've seen Rachel, between Dorcas's stories and Fabian and Remus both running into her. Sirius won't stop talking about it."

"Why?"

Sirius had never shown any particular interest in Rachel beyond a sort of…guiding interest. He had thought when they were all in school that he could influence her to become like him, and to some extent he did, but she was never enough like him to start with that she could devote herself to his…unique lifestyle. Once Sirius realized this, his interest had dwindled, but they were still friendly.

Until they all basically stopped talking to her after graduation.

"Oh, apparently he thinks that Fabian's been acting funny and isn't telling us something. I tried to explain that it would be like if James hadn't joined the Order and Sirius hadn't seen him since graduation and then they bumped into each other at a Quidditch match." Caradoc wanted to point out that it was not the same, but he said nothing. Lily continued, "Of course, Sirius keeps saying it's not the same, and perhaps he's partly right, but he would say that no matter how I tried to explain it."

This seemed true, and Caradoc nodded his assent, but his mind was whirring with the differences between the two explanations, how different it was for James and Sirius to separate versus Rachel and Fabian. James and Sirius had become almost brothers when Sirius ran away from home. The Potters took Sirius in, as everyone knew. They shared a dormitory. Rachel and Fabian had been close, but for obvious reasons they'd never shared a room, they'd never even shared a house apart from Gryffindor Tower. They saw each other every day, but Caradoc had seen Snape every day and they weren't exactly having tea on Tuesdays.

"Did you talk to Dorcas about her?"

"Hmm?" Caradoc asked, picking at the table.

"About Holly Elizabeth. Did you ask Dorcas how she was?"

Caradoc made a sound of assent of sorts.

"Not really," he said slowly. "But…"

Lily nodded. He didn't have to explain that he hadn't asked with words, but she told him anyway. They knew Dorcas well enough.

"I asked her yesterday. Everyone's fine."

Caradoc licked his lips. Lily was the one person he knew would not tell anyone else in their group, not even James, of his curiosity. He was trying to appear as detached as possible, and while he could hardly manage it where Holly Elizabeth was concerned, he usually maintained distance with the others.

"What…. How…?"

Lily began to stir the potion with smooth, rhythmic motions.

"Alodia," she said, "is training to be a Healer. I think she's progressing well, from what Dorcas tells me. And Ophelia and Althea are still together."

Caradoc tried not to wrinkle his nose. He'd never minded Ophelia Warburton, but he could never understand her relationship with another girl, much less a Slytherin girl. Still, if one was going to date a Slytherin, Althea Grimshaw wasn't so bad. Quiet, well-mannered, basically separate from her House as a whole, she had been the Slytherin Prefect in their year, so Lily and Caradoc and Remus had known her as well as anyone. It was actually how Ophelia and Althea had grown close.

"I know it bothers you boys," Lily continued, stirring one last time before turning off the heat and letting the cauldron cool. "But I can't say that I've ever understood why."

In truth, it didn't bother Caradoc at all, comparatively. Sirius had always seemed the most bothered, although the other suspected this had much to do with his personal issues with Slytherin. James had issues with it because he was a traditionalist in every sense. Caradoc was only bothered because, well, he had known them so long before he learned they were together, had he hadn't seen it coming. This was really what bothered him most, that he still could not see how it had happened, and even more how he had not realized it, since he was so good at determining the inclinations of his friends.

"Alodia will be very happy to be a Healer, I think," Caradoc said, skirting the issue entirely. He knew that it was better not to try explaining things to Lily as far as his own thoughts and the thoughts of the others. Remus had tried, and if Remus couldn't explain it to her, she simply wouldn't understand.

"I need to get this bottled," Lily said with a bit of a frown. "I'll let Moody and Dumbledore know that nothing happened. The Prewetts were after you, right?"

"Yes," Caradoc said, watching Lily lift the heavy-seeming cauldron with surprising ease. "You'll be here in a few hours, then?"

"I'll likely be here all night," she said. Her eyes were a bit tired. "Dorcas used up half the stock when she got back from her last individual mission. I don't know what she was doing, but it looked quite messy."

Of course, Caradoc didn't know what Dorcas had been up to either, but judging from the sorts of things he got up to, the sorts of conditions he often came back in, he merely nodded, took his leave of Lily, and wished that he could find some way to rid his mind of Holly Elizabeth that night before bed.

Still, even as he climbed into bed that night and pulled the covers up to his waist, he knew that he would dream of her again, as he had done every night since he left Hogwarts, and how things might be different if he had just apologized there and then, or even the following morning.