Chapter 4: Of Love and Lies

AN: so, so sorry this is updating so late. My internship has me working long hours and school starting throws a wrench into my writing life

By the time he was eighteen he knew he was in love. She had captured his heart nearly as quickly as she'd captured his fin that fateful day. But he was a merman, destined to live in the sea, and she was a princess, born to one-day rule her kingdom.

For the time being he pushed those thoughts away. He never brought up what their different lives would one day lead to and neither did she.

When he was nineteen he had come to accept that they were simply Emma and Killian and that meant leaving anything and everything undefined. It meant that she smiled and laughed when he was funny or rolled her eyes when he was being ridiculous. It meant that he teased her when she had princess duties and took her out to sea when she needed an escape. It meant that he called her out when she was being stubborn and guffawed when she was being silly. It meant she laughed whenever he showed up in royal dress but followed it up with endless questions.

It meant that some days they didn't need to speak. That when she needed a shoulder to lay her head on he was already sitting with an open arm and that when he needed a hand to hold her palm was already up.

It meant everything and yet it couldn't.

They simply existed. Neither toeing further at the line that seemed to grow dimmer and dimmer as the days passed.

On her eighteenth birthday she told her parents she refused to have any sort of celebration. Dinner with the family and then peace and quiet was all she wanted, all she was willing to concede. Her mother hadn't been happy, had told Emma that she didn't have to like the royal events but she needed to learn to handle them.

Emma had yelled and argued and gone to her room in a huff, slamming the door and barricading against anyone who wanted to get in.

"Ems." She remained silent even as she heard her father sigh. "You know we love you, and you know we truly only want what's best for you." Her resolve waivered for a moment at the weariness in his voice, "I'm sorry, Emma. Happy Birthday sweetheart."

She had sagged against the wall, feeling drained and guilty and more the child of yesterday than the adult her age suggested.

The afternoon sun shone through the window and all attempts to get into her room had finally halted. Emma took the opportunity to climb down the wall, to Killian and her safe place.

Emma was skipping stones when he surfaced. She nodded shortly at him and continued to chuck to rocks across the waves.

"Anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Not particularly."

Killian frowned. "Usually it helps you."

"I said I don't want to talk about it." He held up his hands in surrender. "Sorry," she gave him a sheepish smile. "Long day."

He hummed, mulling over an idea he'd had for some time.

"Then let's go."

"What?

"Let's go!" He motioned for her to join him in the water. "Let's get out of here. You're always saying how you want to leave the castle. Well…let's go."

Emma grinned. "Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise."

She gave him a look as she took off her extra layers, stripping down to her tunic and shorts. "You know I hate surprises."

"Oh hush."

"Killian…"

He tugged on her hand as she stepped into the water. "Just trust me alright?"

Letting out a heavy sigh she smiled. "Lead on, fishboy!"

Killian pulled her along until they were farther out than she'd ever swam. "Um, Killian?" He turned towards her. "Where are we going?"

"I told you it's a surprise, my royal pain."

"Yeah, no, I got that." She eyed the shore warily. "But just general information. Are you taking me out here so you can pull me under and drown me? Has this been your plan all along?"

He gave her a droll look. "Yes," he deadpanned. "I've spent these past few years becoming closer with you than anyone only to drown you at the opportune moment. Never mind the fact that you're exceptionally important to me or anything."

Emma was grateful for the cool water to dull her blush. "Okay fine. You're not going to kill me. But are we just going into the middle of the sea?"

"You'll see." He watched her for a moment. "But you are going to need to hold on to me. You won't be able to swim there."

"That's very reassuring."

"Emma!"

"Fine, fine. Hold on where then? Your hand?" She waved their already joined hands under the water.

"No, you're, ah…" He scratched the back of his neck. "You'll need to hold on to my shoulders."

She paused her kicking, staring at him for a moment. "You're shoulders? Like…lay on your back?"

"Well, yeah."

Emma's gaze flickered to his shoulders, the very shoulders she had caught herself staring at countless times before. "Okay," she said a little breathlessly.

"Good." Killian turned his back to her. "So just…just hold on. And close your eyes, I'd prefer you not have kilometers of sand in your eyes."

She tightened her grip on his shoulders. "Oh, great. That makes me feel so- "

The rest of her words were lost as he ducked below and began swimming faster than any of her father's ships. Emma held on to his with everything she had and buried her face into the back of his neck, trying to adjust to the feeling of water rushing past her. It felt like she'd been holding on for either dragging hours or barely seconds when he finally began to slow and they broke the surface again.

"Welcome, princess."

Emma lifted her head up to see an island with a small river leading inland. "Where are we?"

"I don't know if it has a name, but there's no one else ever here." He swam them in towards the shore, bringing them in to the island's lagoon. "I found it a few years ago when I was bored."

"You would."

Killian sent a grin over his shoulder. "You don't have to think here. There's no castle and no business or politics. Just…us. And the water."

"Killian…"

"If you don't like it we can always go back." She had released the grip on his shoulders and was floating across the lagoon. "It's really oka- "

"It's perfect," she breathed. When her eyes found his they were full of wonder and relief and he had done that. "You've really outdone yourself fishboy."

He shrugged. "Eh. It's what I do."

Emma swam back in front of him, eyes wide and round and greener than anything he'd ever seen. "No. This is perfect. Thank you."

"Emma…"

"Thank you, Killian."

Hesitating only a moment, she leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek, lingering a few moments longer than necessary.

"You're welcome," he answered hoarsely. He watched as she flipped onto her back, staring up at the clear sky and just being and he felt himself fall even further.

With her waterlogged clothes and bright eyes, hair flowing behind her and arms outstretched and her shirt clinging to her lithe form, Killian had never seen anything more beautiful.

Emma stared up at the sky, watching as the light blue faded darker and darker until yellows and reds and pinks painted above her. She reached for Killian's hand before the sun fell completely, holding on as the stars came out.

"It's beautiful."

"Aye." He watched each star blink into existence against the inky sky. "It's so…big. Makes you feel kind of small, doesn't it."

"I don't know." He turned towards her, the stars shining in her eyes, "Kind of makes me feel like I have to be here for a reason. In all the big and vast and unknown…we're here for a reason."

"Much as you claim to not be the one to have a way with words that was rather deep."

She grinned at him. "I have my moments."

"You certainly do." Emma turned back to the sky. "You certainly do."

Killian swam her back to the castle and it left Emma feeling warm and silly and fifteen instead of her now-eighteen.

"Milady," he bowed in the water. "Thank you for a wonderful evening."

"Good sir." Emma curtseyed with a giggle. "Thank you for rescuing me from my entrapment."

"You never did tell me what was wrong…"

Emma shrugged. "It's not important anymore. You made it better."

He beamed at her, tugging affectionately on a strand of hair. "It's what I do."

She laughed brightly before looking back at him. It was true, he did make it better. Whenever she was upset or angry or sad or just feeling so out of her mind he calmed her down or made her smile. He was always there, in a way no one else- not even her mother- was. He was just…Killian. He was her Killian, her fishboy. And watching him, now, after everything he'd done without ever pushing or guessing, it made her feel so bright and warm and….

And loved. He made her feel loved.

"I'll see you tomorrow, darling."

"Night," she said weakly, waving to him as he flipped back below the surface.

She watched the water ripple and settle as she stood in the sand for minutes after he had left.

She was in love with Killian. And she was so screwed.

For the first time in nearly three years, Emma didn't go down to the water. She used one of her mother's doves to send a note down using 'royal responsibilities' and 'her mother insisting' as her excuses.

Really, she was hiding under her covers, staring down at her hands trying to figure out how the hell this had happened. How had she fallen in love with her friend? Her best friend? Her best friend who, as it so happened, was a merman. Her best friend who saw her as nothing more than a friend…

He flirts with you. He does. You've seen him checking you out and making comments and-

And that doesn't mean anything! It's just Killian! It's just who he is it doesn't mean that-

But who have you seen him act like that with? Just you!

Because you only ever are together alone!

Alone! Alone is good!

We're friends!

But you want more!

And the argument continued to rage on in her head until she was ready to rip every strand of hair off her head.

As evening fell around her, Emma continued to stare at the ceiling. Bouncing an old ball off of it to try and distract herself. It wasn't working.

Knock! Knock!

"Go away."

"Emma…open the door. Please."

Her father. She should have known they'd send her father.

Sighing, she rolled off the bed and trudged across the stone floor. "What?" she asked as she dragged the door open.

"Oh good, you are still alive." He marched forward, closing the door behind him as he walked into her room.

"No. Please. Come right in." Emma tossed her ball at his back and David rolled his eyes at her.

"Stop acting as though I'm a hassle. I'm your favorite dad."

"You're my only dad."

"Semantics."

A grin split across her face against her will.

"Ahhh, there she is! I knew my darling daughter was in there somewhere." He took a seat at her desk, looking at her expectantly. "So. How was your day?"

Emma collapsed on her bed again. "Has anyone ever told you that tact is not your gift?"

"Several times." He smiled proudly at her. "It's why your mother is my better half and deals with the diplomacy nonsense."

She rolled her eyes at her father. "Very nice. No one is allowed to blame me in the future when I'm terrible at talking to other royal pains and they get mad."

Charming gave her a look. "I don't think that's how it works, Ems. You've still got to behave, or at least try to." He shrugged. "Or your future someone will be a good enough talker for the both of you."

Emma buried her face in the comforter. "Great," she muffled.

He heard Emma huff and chuckled. "C'mon, Ems." He walked over to the bed and she felt it shift with his weight as he sat down. "What's wrong?"

Instead of answering she laid there, head buried in the pillows with her father's hand sifting through her hair.

"It's just an off day."

"Mhmm."

"It is. I just…" She sighed as she rolled over to face him. "Have you ever had a giant realization smack you in the face? Just come out of nowhere and sucker punch you?"

Charming hummed in thought. "Yeah. Your mom. Literally." He flicked her ear making Emma laugh. "I have though. Right before you were born I was finally hit with the realization that I was going to be a father to a real, warm, crying, beautiful little girl. And I panicked." He smiled softly. "I think your mom almost threw me out of the castle for a few nights because I was barely sleeping and insisted on checking every inch of your nursery over and over and over again to make sure you wouldn't hurt yourself on something or be able to eat anything." Emma giggled, picturing her father running around like a madman.

Emma sat up. "How did you get over it?"

"I didn't." She frowned. "You showed up and I've been winging it ever since."

She flopped back down with a sigh. "Well, that's helpful."

David gave her a big smile. "It's all you can do. Take the realization and make the best with that information." He tweaked her nose, laughing when she wrinkled it and stuck her tongue out at him. "We can't plan for everything Ems."

"I know." She turned to stare out the window leading to her balcony. "Believe me, I know."

After her father left, Emma began to pace about her room. She kept repeating the words I love Killian in every possible combination until her head started to spin and her feet began to hurt. She sat at her desk and wrote the words on a bit of parchment, staring at it before burning the piece over her candle.

She couldn't do this. She could not be in love with Killian. She couldn't. It would ruin everything. Not only did he not feel the same way about her but she was also a human so she could never be with him. They would never be able to be together without any sort of complication.

"It's decided." She spoke to her empty room. "You are not in love with Killian." Even her own reflection seemed to laugh at her. "Or you're at least going to do a damn good job of ignoring it."

Snow was already in her dressing gown when Charming returned to their suite.

"How is she?"

"Apparently it's been an off day."

She hummed to herself, twisting her hands in a familiar pattern until David came up to pull them into his own hands.

"She's okay."

"I know." She offered him a small smile. "She's our daughter after all."

He grinned, leaning down to kiss her forehead, nose, and finally lips. "She's pretty spectacular that way isn't she? Like her mother."

Snow felt a small bubble of warmth burst within her. Charming bastard. "Pretty words will get you nowhere."

"I know for a fact that's a lie." David pulled her into his arms. "I'm Charming remember?"

She snorted into his shoulder but wrapped her arms around his neck anyways. "It was an ironic nickname as you weren't the least bit charming."

The expression he wore was far too pleased with himself, "I caught you, didn't I? Body. Mind. And heart." He punctuated each word with a kiss.

"Sweet talker," she murmured, nuzzling his nose affectionately and making him smile.

He watched her for a moment, cataloguing her expression and the look in her eyes. "She's okay, Snow. I think she had an 'I'm an adult and a princess oh my gods' moment and panicked."

"Is that what she said?"

"No," he played with the ends of her hair. "She asked if I had ever had a realization punch me in the face." Snow rolled her eyes. "I know I appreciated the wording too. But she wanted to know how you deal with it, how you adjust."

She became quiet, thoughtful. "You think she was thinking about growing up?"

"What else could it be?"

Rubbing her thumb across the scar on his chin, remembering how she had in fact been the one to punch him in the face, she shrugged. "I'm not sure, yet."

Emma seemed to return to her usual self. Unbeknownst to her parents she had returned to her daily habit of climbing down her wall and meeting Killian. Each time trying her damndest to either figure out what he felt towards her or trying to ignore any and all implications anything he said could mean.

She continued her swordplay lessons with Lancelot and her riding time with her filly, Beauty. She attended their family dinners and grumbled over having Granny fix her etiquette. She brought lunch to her godfathers, laughing at their crude sense of humor, and spent time with her godmother who taught her tracking.

But Snow was watching, always watching. Not being obvious and not intruding in her daughter's time but she was always observing. She wasn't buying David's theory about growing up, Emma knew she had to grow up and be responsible but she also knew it wouldn't be for a while so it shouldn't be an issue. And as much of a fuss she put up, Snow knew she was going to be a good queen- she was fair and strong and smart and she knew that. But…

Snow felt like she had seen this before, like she herself had done this. She was acting like her. Exactly as Snow had so many years ago when… Her eyes widened. Snow knew, she knew what was wrong with Emma, knew why she still felt off even if she'd gone back to her normal routine.

Her daughter was in love.

Snow paced the length of the library, knowing Charming wouldn't be back from his hunting trip until evening and she had time to think. Her daughter was in love. With some unknown someone. And…she was sad about it. Snow frowned. Love was beautiful and joyful and should be making her daughter happy. Unless she thought it couldn't happen, which made no sense as she knew neither of them cared who she married.

After David had returned the three of them sat for dinner, a delicious roast prepared from the hunting trip's good fortune.

Forks clinked on plates and glasses were brought up and set down and it was all fairly normal until Snow let her curiosity get the best of her.

"So, Emma."

"Hmm?"

"Had you given any thought to suitors?" David's fork dropped with a clang. "Usually this is the time we start having you meet young men."

"Why?"

It was David who answered, not Emma, and Snow released an exasperated sigh.

"Yeah, mom. Why?"

"She doesn't need to see any suitors or men or any of that until she's thirty."

"Dad!"

"David, don't be ridiculous."

"What?" He frowned. "This suitors nonsense is ridiculous. She's eighteen!"

"I was eighteen when we met."

"But that's different."

Emma rolled her eyes. "I'm so sure."

"She doesn't need to have princes thrown at her!"

"Yes, exactly."

Snow rolled her eyes up towards the ceiling, regretting the conversation already. "You wouldn't even want to just meet people."

"No, she wouldn't."

"David I wasn't asking you."

"I'm her father and I say no." Snow raised an eyebrow at him with a cool expression and he huffed indignantly. "So long as her mother agrees with me." Snow nodded and Emma coughed to hide a laugh and the word "Whipped."

"So?"

Emma blinked. "So, what?"

"Why wouldn't you want to at least meet young men your age?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

Emma shot her father a desperate look but he shrugged, having already been scolded. "I don't know, it's awkward. I don't want a set up or arranged anything."

"You know we would never do that."

"I know." She sighed. "I know. I just…I don't know. You two met by chance and a bad choice of road on dad's part." Snow smirked and David chuckled. "It wasn't…you never had suitors," she said with a grimace. "Vying for your hand just because they want a title." She stared down at her hands. "I want someone who just wants me because I'm me, not because I'm a princess. Someone who- who sees past the crowns and dresses and castle and just wants me for me."

Snow smiled to herself. Her daughter was smart, as she'd known, but she was also wise. And if she knew all of that, and expected it, it's because she had already found someone who treated her as such.

"At least you're smart." David was still pouting, making Emma laugh.

"Aw c'mon dad." She tossed a pea at him, causing Snow to emit a noise of disapproval. "You're still my favorite guy."

"Yeah, yeah." He tried to hide it but Snow could see his smile, how much her words meant and how much he loved her. "I always knew we should've had a son."

"Excuse you!"

David chuckled, tossing a pea back at her. "Just kidding, Ems."

"I'm revoking your favorite dad title."

"Aww c'mon," he mimicked. "Boys are icky, why would I have wanted one of them?"

"Two children." Snow shook her head. "I have two children to worry about."

Both of them stuck their tongues out at her making all three burst into laughter. When they'd settled down Snow looked over at her daughter. Her cheeks were pink, not from laughter, and she was still avoiding eye contact. Emma was definitely hiding something, someone. But Snow wasn't going to push.

"So no suitors."

"No suitors." For now.

That evening Snow knocked on Emma's door before heading to bed.

"Come in!"

The door creaked and she offered her daughter a small grin. "Mind if I talk for a bit."

Emma placed her book down and scooted to make room for her mom on her bed, patting the spot that had become hers years ago. "Of course not."

Padding her way across the stone, she plopped onto the bed and looked over at her Emma. "Sorry for ambushing you at dinner tonight."

She shrugged. "It's okay. I think Dad was more scarred than anyone else."

Snow laughed. "He's not going to accept you're old enough to date until you're married with children. And even then he'll be in denial." Emma smirked before averting her eyes. Her mother saw too much and if she knew what those words did to Emma's heart…

"But I think there's more to the no suitors thing than you're willing to say." She remained silent and Snow pushed forward. "You don't have to tell me- I know I'm just your old mom- but you can if you want to."

Emma sighed before dropping her head into her mother's lap, Snow taking the cue to begin brushing her fingers through the blonde curls.

"I…I can't tell you. I promised." She bit her lip and exhaled slowly. "But there is a reason I don't really want suitors or princes or anything." Snow hummed in acknowledgment. "Why do I feel like you knew this already?"

"Because I'm sneakier than people think." She soothed the lines on her daughter's forehead. "It's okay if you can't tell me. I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Yeah," she met Snow's eyes, her eyes. "I'm okay. It's just…"

"Hard." Emma nodded. "Well, you know. True Love isn't easy but it is worth it."

Emma seemed to struggle with finding words and did what she did best: deflected. "Can you tell me the troll bridge story again?"

"Of course."

Killian had noticed something was different with Emma. She was acting…weird. Like she was hiding something but she wasn't sure what it was.

He'd been laying on a rock on the ocean floor, thinking back to how she'd been acting the past few weeks, when someone grabbed hold of his tail and pulled him off.

"What the bloody…?"

"If it isn't my long lost brother." Killian rolled his eyes and shoved the intruder.

"Bugger off, Liam."

The man, Liam, merely blew bubbles at his brother. "You'd miss me far too much, little brother. What are you doing out here anyways?"

Killian shrugged. "Thinking, relaxing, avoiding you." Liam hit him causing a wide grin to split across his face.

"Well that time is clearly done. C'mon, Alana invited us over while her dad's away. She's bringing a bunch of her friends."

His brow wrinkled, he could practically smell the set up coming from here. "And which of her friends does she plan on throwing at me this time?"

Liam's tail swished as he adopted an innocent expression. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Liar." Killian began to swim away even after Liam called after him and sought to catch up. "She's always doing this. Every bleeding time she asks us over you make it sound like it's a big thing and I wind up stuck with one of her idiotic friends while she chats up her flavor of the month and you're off gods know where."

"Hey! That's unfair, we…"

"No!" He exploded. "It's unfair to deal with a meddling brother and cousin who act like they know my life better than I do. Who act," he raised his voice over Liam's interruption. "Like I don't know what I want or who I want and think they can figure it out. Well, I don't know if you've noticed but I've been fine doing this for myself for a long while. Your assistance," he said sarcastically. "Isn't needed."

"Who you want?" Liam asked softly.

Killian stiffened, not realizing the slip he'd made. "In theory, if I were to want someone. I don't need you or Alana or any of her sisters- "

"Minus one," he mumbled bitterly.

"Shoving me in a direction."

The two brothers stared at each other in an apparent stand off. "Fine," Liam finally conceded. "We'll back off. So long as you promise to let us meet this someone once you find her."

"Yeah," he said with a forced grin. "I promise."

Liam smiled and beckoned him to follow, heading back towards town and Killian followed with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

It was the first time he had lied to his brother.

One day Killian had been lolling through the halls when he heard his name being called.

"Yes Uncle?"

Triton called his name and motioned for Killian to join him in the audience hall. "I want to speak with you about a private manner."

Panic. Pure, unadulterated panic spun through Killian's heart as he followed in a daze. "A-about what?"

His uncle looked at him closely. "You've done extremely well since my brother-in-law…" Killian looked away at the mentioning of his father. "My boy, I'm very sorry for what he did. You and Liam are in deserving a better man that he ended up being."

"Thank you, Uncle. And," he swallowed thickly. "You provided that for us."

Triton gave him a smile. "I'd have been proud to call the two of you my sons, dear boy. But alas, I did not call you in here for sentimentality." Killian nodded for him to continue. "I wished to ask you to join the court as an advisor." His jaw dropped. "Liam has provided exceptional help with the army and I wished to bring you in as well."

"Uncle…"

"You'll receive no special treatment. But you will be listened to. And some fresh fins are what we need right now." He sent Killian a twinkling grin. "What do you say, lad?"

"I- yes. Thank you, yes."

"You're going to do great things for our people, Killian." And he took that as his dismissal, leaving the chamber.

After his elation faded, worry settled in his belly. How could he do great things for his people when his heart lay in a world beyond theirs?

Years passed and the two of them grew up. She learned diplomacy and political science and he became an expert at court dealings and military strategy. Emma continued to deny the attempts of the young princes seeking her hand and Killian went on ignoring the hopeful young mermaids vying for his attention. It caused quite a fuss on both sides.

Katherine and Ferdinand's son had apparently become quite enamored with Emma in the time since their childhood and she'd finally lost her patience and stormed off during his family's visit. Katherine hadn't been overjoyed at the rejection of her son but Emma wasn't going to apologize. His wandering hands had earned that slap. (Her mother had given her a look but her father had merely smiled and winked, earning him an elbow to the gut).

Meanwhile, a very forward mermaid had set her sights on Killian. And while Liam knew it was nothing but a bother for his brother he still found it endlessly hilarious to watch the poor girl try and find new ways to run into him. He'd finally given up on going to his usual calm places because she had either asked Liam (bastard) or followed him (creepy) and would be there not ten minutes after he'd settled. When Liam had found him hidden in a kelp forest he'd burst out laughing, asking if Killian was going to give up his old life for that of a farmer. (That had earned him a slap upside the head and kelp in his bed every day for a week).

But it was never something they talked about. He didn't want to push her, to try and force her feelings out in the open and she didn't want to face disappointment, didn't want to face him not caring as she did.

So Emma and Killian continued to be them. They flirted and laughed and grew closer and closer, no one knew either of them better than the other. She could finish his sentences and he knew what she was thinking before the words left her mouth.

The closer they got the more dangerous it became for their hearts and their lives.