Gifts and Curses Chapter 5: By Myself, a covenant fanfic

Gifts and Curses

Chapter Four: By Myself

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red - handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can't hold on / when I'm stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I'm lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again

by myself myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

If I
Turn my back I'm defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they'll
Take from me 'till everything is gone
If I let them go I'll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer

by myself
myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself
myself
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can't rely on myself

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

How do you think / I've lost so much
I'm so afraid / I'm out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don't you (know)
I can't tell you how to make it (go)
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)
I can't seem to convince myself (why)
I'm stuck on the outside

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in

I can't hold on
To what I want when I'm stretched so thin
It's all too much to take in
I can't hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking...
-Linkin Park

"Party tonight, don't forget." Madelyn reminded Marny with a smile. She had forgotten, of course, after last night. She hadn't been able to sleep after her grandfather (and Chase, her would be fiancée) had shown up.

Madelyn glared at Marny's blank expression. "You forgot." She said evenly.

"Sort of. I didn't forget about the party on Friday night, I just forgot that today was Friday…" She had given up on sleeping and had gotten out of bed early to grab a shower before anyone else was up and moving. She had run into Madelyn after, who had been in the library making copies of her speech for argumentation. The two were now walking to their first hour together without rushing

Madelyn shook her head and rolled her eyes. "How can you forget that it's Friday? It's the day before the best day of the week."

"I didn't sleep well last night." Marny excused.

"Oh that's right. Didn't I hear something about you and a certain Reid Garwin hitting the local hotspot for kids our age? I suppose you didn't get much sleep last night." Madelyn rubbed shoulders with her friend and ignored the sour look she received.

"I've got to go to my house after classes today. I got a phone call from my grandfather last night and I need to talk to my mom about it. Plus the outfit I'm planning on wearing is there." Marny looked down the hall instead of at her friend.

"That's so unfair." Madelyn scrunched her nose. "I'm going to be going through my entire closet, and my roomies closet, to find something to wear and not only are you not going to be there to tell me that my roommates burgundy halter-top looks great with my black skinny jeans, but you already know what you're going to wear."

Marny looked at Madelyn with wide eyes and drawn brows.

"It is November in Massachusetts, and you want to wear a halter-top? Are you insane?"

"My sanity is not the point. The point is how great that halter is going to look with my complexion. I'll wear a sweater, mom." Madelyn joked kindly before placing her hand on her friend's forehead. "You doing okay? You look a little…ick." Marny forced a smile to her face and pushed the hand away.

"I'm fine. See you in class?" Madelyn smiled back and waved before heading to the English hall where she took a Writing class. Marny walked into her Calculus room. It was relatively empty so she headed to the back. She tried to sit in the front most days, math wasn't her best subject, and sitting close to the teacher helped her to pay attention. She knew it wasn't going to help today. Nothing would.

The class filled and she was glad for the fact that she didn't really talk to anyone in this class, it was the only time of the day she had to herself. No Covenant boys, no best friend, no creepy grandparents or evil-confused roommate. The formulas began to flow together and she drifted off.

"The Tower," she stopped and ran her fingers across the card surface gently, mildly unnerved, her wig was tickling her cheek. "Is a problem card. It is the end, it is death, and it is destruction." She paused again, fingers resting on the darkest card of the deck, its picture twisted, a tower without windows, storms brewing behind, intruding. A warning. Reid watched her across the table. It was familiar and foggy. She tried to place it. He looked detached, angry. At her? The wig brushed at her cheek again, and she pushed it away. A spider came away on her hand.

She brushed it away, panicked. Another one, the whole wig was long legged black spiders and sticky webs drawn together like an elaborate piece of art through her hair. She brushed at them frantically, pushing her seat back and standing.

"Reid, help." She asked attempting to pull the spiders twined web out of her hair. Spiders fell from her hands and head to her shoulders, down her chest, to her shoes, constantly spinning sticky thin webs.

"I have learned to hate all traitors." Reid said quietly, he leaned back in his chair, watching her, before standing and leaving the room.

Tears leaked from her eyes and she pushed at them in fury, more spiders crawled over her hands and her tears were black, sticky, poisoned.

"Ms. Taylor."

Marny woke in her calculus class, most of the students had left, a few waited looking at her; some hiding their smiles with their hands, others with worried looks. Her hands were still raised to her hair to swat at imagined spiders.

Ms. White, her calculus teacher was leaning over her, a worried expression on her ancient face.

"Perhaps you should see the nurse. You've never fallen asleep in class, dear, and you're crying. I've never seen anyone so pale.

"No." Marny gathered her books quickly. "No, I'm just a little stressed is all. Thank you, Ms. White, sorry…Sorry." Marny rushed her next class, hoping to avoid the glances of the left over classmates and her teacher.

Government only reminded her of Chase.

"It's not fair." She said aloud, not paying attention as students filled the room and pulled out their books. It really wasn't fair. Her father had given her this gift, this curse, she hadn't asked for it. Chase had just be handed it at birth, and then it had been doubled by his father (which broke the same rule her father had broken- and she really thought it shouldn't be held against her father, she hadn't had the power to begin with so it wasn't doubling hers, and her father had been dying of a disease). Chase had held innocent people hostage, killed at least three people, cursed a handful, caused a motorcycle accident, and would have killed more to triple his power.

But he was forgiven.

And she was imprisoned.

"Think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. I for one take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe."

Marny looked over at Reid dryly. "When did you even get here." She questioned, pulling out her textbook.

"Right around the moment you started whining to yourself." He answered. His textbook was in front of him, but she noticed he didn't carry a bag, or any other books.

"Isn't Tyler in this class? Can't you sit with him and stalk me?"

"The way you're using I don't really have to follow you to keep an eye on you. You tipped all four of us off last night with your power show."

"Kudos for me." Marny said sarcastically, looking away.

"That was a lot of power, considering you claim not to have anymore than someone who has asended."

"Caleb…" Marny looked up from her book to see Caleb's unfriendly expression. Reid leaned back in his chair, she was beginning to find tells in Reid's movements, and this one was annoyance. His body looked relax but he had an expression on his face that he reserved for Caleb's benefit, the "you're-not-the-leader-I-can-handle-this-get-out-of-my-face" look. She thought of her dream, of Reid leaned back in his seat across from her, and the spiders making their way around her body.

"I don't have to explain myself to you Caleb. I'm not part of your Covenant." Marny whispered the words, glancing up at him through her lashes. "This isn't the time for the conversation."

"After classes then." Caleb turned to walk away and Marny gave a real smile for the first time all day.

"I'm afraid I can't. I'm going home straight after classes."

Caleb saw through her escape and opened his mouth to say so when the teacher called on him, "Mr. Danvers, class is about to start, take a seat please."

Reid didn't speak to her for the rest of class. She contemplated entering his or Caleb's mind, to see what conclusions they were coming to, but she knew that members of her grandfather's covenant had noticed when she entered their thoughts, even if they didn't realize it was her or her power, they knew someone was in there.

She managed to hold a conversation with Madelyn during history and art about trivial things like their debate in argument, and what Madelyn was thinking about wearing to the party. In argument she gave her speech and it was a relief to focus on something else, something completely normal and expected.

Reid still sat next to her in American Literature but his silence was unnerving considering this was the point the previous day when she had been sent out of class for talking with him. No witty comments or not so suave liners. At one point she thought he was asleep.

After class she went straight to her room, focused on dropping off her bag and grabbing her keys to get home. Kira was folding clothes at her bed, looking at each shirt against a pair of ripped jeans lying on her bed.

"Oh, hey." Marny said, pausing momentarily before walking to her own bedside table. "Are you going to that party tonight?"

Kira turned and looked at her, brow arched and head tilted. "Last night wasn't a bonding moment, Taylor." And she went back to folding her clothes. Marny rolled her eyes and grabbed her keys.

She loved her car. It wasn't anything shiny or new like most of the cars the kids on campus had, there was a dent in the passenger side door and a few scratches in the off-silver paint; it didn't have a CD player, but she could still play her iPod. She loved it because it was completely hers. She had worked full time all summer her sophomore year to buy it.

The hour drive home was relaxing; farm land passed by on both sides and the traffic wasn't very heavy. She had almost forgotten about everything the last 24 hours had produced until she pulled into her driveway. The house was much smaller than any of the Son's homes. The parlor was more of a living room; the library had been a bedroom. It was two floors, three bed rooms, 2.5 baths. Her mom had insisted they hadn't needed anything big, and with the two of them they really didn't.

Her mom was standing in the front of the window, watching her pull up the drive, behind the curtains. Marny took her time getting out of the car. Turned off the heat, then the radio, put her iPod away, and finally pulled the keys out of the ignition and pushed them into her pocket.

Her mother held the door open for her when she stepped up to it, and waited until it was closed to speak.

"You're grandfather sent me a message this morning. Apparently you're engaged. Why didn't you call me last night?"

"I thought it might be one of those conversations that work out better to one's face, you know, 'Oh mom, by the way I'm getting married to a creep.' It was really a surprise for me too." Marny spoke carefully, walking to the back of their house to the kitchen.

"I know you think part of this is my fault. That if we would have stayed in Maryland none of this would be happening, but they still would have found us, still would have used you. I can't fight them, Miranda." Marny looked to her mother. They really only had the same pale complexion, her mother's hair was straight and a few shades lighter, her eyes a dark blue. Marny laughed quietly, shook her head as she turned her attention to the food in the refrigerator. All health food, her mom hadn't eaten heart-attack inducing food since she had started working as a waitress upon Miranda's birth. Her step-father was the one that would sneak her out for a cheeseburger.

Marny grabbed an apple out of the vegetable crisper and looked again at her mother's worried face. The once crinkled laugh lines now looked saggy and turned down in sorrow and fear. Marny put forth a pleasant smile hoping to deflect some of her mother's worry.

"I'll be fine. It's not your fault, they would have found us." She walked toward the stairs, her insides warring.

"How are things going with the Covenant?" Her mother tried, following her daughter to the banister, "Are you still following them for your grandfather?" Marny laughed, louder this time.

"I hardly have to." She glanced to the top floor longingly, fearing what message would be waiting for her from the Golden Dawn come Monday. She was distracted by something small and off coloured from the hard wood floor moving a step in front of her.

She stepped on the spider with a grimace. Recently, she had developed distaste for arachnids.

"I'm going out with Madelyn tonight. To the Dells."

Motherly disapproval replaced worry. "I'm not sure I like her. She's very…odd." Now Marny was being followed up to her room.

"Well, as I haven't much choice in how most of my life is lived, I think I'll decide on which friends I have…you know, at least." Marny sighed inwardly once she was behind the threshold of her room; Cian was on her bed, his huge head resting on his paws, his abnormally human-like grey eyes watching both women.

"I'll be down in a while, mom." Marny closed the door behind her, shutting the world out. The best part of her room, in Marny's opinion, was its private bathroom- equipped with not only dorm room style toilet and sink, but also home style shower slash bath. She had painted her room herself, much to her mother's disappointment. The bathroom was in a very light teal and turquoise, out of paranoia she had a clear shower curtain.

One of her walls was painted in chalkboard paint; one was in a deep wine-red, the other two in a soft light-green. Nothing in her room matched, her bed frame was silver, she had an assortment of mix-matched chairs and a futon, paintings and artwork dominated her walls. Knick-knacks cluttered her desks, photos were tapped up or framed or stuffed in albums on her many bookshelves.

It was her own.

She took her time in the shower, trying to forget the previous night for a moment. Cian stood watch at the bathroom door, not making a noise and standing like a statue.

She hadn't been lying earlier in the day when she had told Madelyn she already knew what she was wearing. Absolutely no halter-top. She had a silvery-dark blue long-sleeved button up shirt that was dressy but could be toned down with her favorite jeans and her converse high-tops. The dark blue looked good with her dark hair and cold complexion. She even took the time to curl her hair and blow out her bangs. Really, she hadn't put this much effort into her appearance since the Halloween party and she had been in costume then- though, now that she thought about it that had only been two? Three nights ago?

She was looking at her reflection, pleased, when Cian growled and she heard her mother's voice call up the stairs. "Miranda, you have company."

She glanced at her watch confused. It was to early just yet, and Madelyn knew she would drive there herself; she wouldn't have come looking for her.

The emotions that flitted across her face when she walked down the stairs to see who it was slightly alarmed her mother. Shock, anger, embarrassment, confusion, and then slightly pleased. Cian followed closely at her heels.

"I suppose you have an excellent excuse as to why you're here?" Marny's eyebrow arched.

"To take you to the party." Reid said comfortably, his hands were in his pockets but she could tell he wore his fingerless gloves; the sleeves of his grey shirt were pushed up to his elbows- she knew that on his left forearm was a tattoo that would be visible to her if she were standing behind him.

"It's always nice to be introduced to one of Marny's friends." Mrs. Taylor hinted pleasantly. Marny noticed she had a dishtowel in her hands that she was wringing nervously, contradicting her voice.

"This is Reid Garwin. Reid, this is my mother, Rose Taylor." Marny motioned to her mother. Neither of them moved towards each other.

"It's nice to meet you Mrs. Taylor." Reid's hands stayed within his pockets. Marny's mother's hands tightened around her dishtowel and she looked at her daughter.

"May I speak to in the kitchen please, Marny." Her mother spared a smile toward Reid before walking into the kitchen. Marny took a deep breath.

"You might as well take a seat." Marny spoke to Reid and motioned towards the cushioned chairs through the living room's open door before walking into the kitchen.

"Isn't he one of the Covenant boys?" Her mother was pacing in front of the sink; warm water filled one side, a layer of foamy bubbles on top. The other side of the sink had a few stove top dishes and a plate. A glass was drying in the drainer next to the sink, water dripping.

"Yes." Marny answered, her whole body was tense. She hadn't told her mother everything her grandfather had asked her to do over the four years since her father had died; she doubted her grandfather had told her mother everything either. She was almost positive he had left out how he planned for Marny to lead the eldest of the four Covenant boys to his death in his talk with her the previous night. Marny focused, her eyes turning white, to place a barrier around the room that would warn her if Reid was trying to get in, or if anyone started listening in.

"Is that wise? To befriend them? If your grandfather found out…" Marny wasn't sure her mother was still speaking to her, or if she was just running all the scenarios in her mind.

"Grandfather knows." Marny offered, quietly and as detached as she could manage. Her mother stopped pacing and looked at her daughter.

"My god, you've fallen in love with that boy haven't you?" Her mother's voice was quiet, broken. Marny's white eyes looked away, her palms itched. "Your grandfather doesn't know about that." Marny shook her head, 'no'. Her mother pushed her hair back and turned to the sink.

"He doesn't feel for me." Marny accepted, pushed it forward so that she wouldn't have false hope. "And even if he did, he would hate me come next week."

"Why? You can't tell him about your grandfather- they could kill you. Very possibly both would want you dead." Her mother stepped toward her.

"Because, grandfather wants me to hurt them. And they already suspect something of me. They'll know it was me, that I had a hand in it, and he'll hate me." Marny's head started to hurt. Her mother looked at her, pity and helplessness on her face.

"Marny, it will be hard, but you must do what your grandfather asks of you. He's protecting you, in his way, from The Golden Dawn." She put her hands on her daughter's shoulders, wanting to look her in the eyes but unable to stand the emptiness she would find there. "Having your heart broken…It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned. Nothing matters anymore. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace. It will be easier for you to marry Chase once that boy in there hates you."

Marny looked up at her mother, trying not to be disgusted with her mother's defense of her grandfather, trying not to hate her for not knowing what her grandfather was asking her to do.

Marny's eyes cleared and she smiled uneasily at her mother. "I should probably be going. It'll take two hours to get to the party from here." Her mother stood in the kitchen and watched her go.

When she walked into the living room to find Reid she also found Cian who had gone missing when she had followed her mother into the kitchen. Reid was leaning against the fireplace mantle and Cian was sitting regally two feet away, both of them eyeing each other defensively.

They both looked at her when she laughed.

"That is no dog." Reid moved towards her, Cian's head following the movement.

"He's a guardian." Marny admitted.

"Quite a collection." He pointed to her books; she did have a decent collection. All of H.P. Lovecrafts books, as well as many of Crowley's including 'A Book of Four,' 'The Book of Thoth,' and 'Magick.' These books had belonged to her father, she kept most of her own books in her room. "Your nose is bleeding." Reid pointed out. Marny blanched, embarrassment flooding her face with heat. She covered it with the back of her hand and left the living room for the bathroom. When she returned Reid was waiting in the entry way; her mother, having finished the dishes, was there as well waiting uncomfortably with Cian at her side, for them to leave.

"I might stay with Madelyn tonight," Marny informed her, "and come back for my car tomorrow." Really, it was better that Reid had come, it gave her an excuse to spend time at Madelyn's house; her best friends house made her think of her family before her father's death. Almost normal- just right.

Reid didn't open the car door for her, but she didn't expect him to. The top was down on the '55 Chevrolet; she had done her research and found out what the classic was called.

"Did Caleb send you?" Marny questioned once the car had pulled out of the driveway. Reid's hands tightened on the steering wheel.

"You're not going to ask how I knew where you lived?"

"You're part of the Covenant. I doubt you needed the yellow pages to find out where I live." Marny noticed the avoidance of her question.

"Your lesbian friend told me." Reid smirked, pleased to have outmaneuvered Marny. Marny didn't know whether she was going to strangle Madelyn when she saw her, or hug her. Both seemed equally tempting.

Marny sat quiet for fifteen minuets, watching the scenery pass and listening to the radio.

"Have you lied about how much power you have?" Reid kept his eyes on the road, and Marny noticed for the first time they were going thirty miles over the speed limit. She didn't worry about being stopped by a police officer – both of them could easily get out of a ticket, or chase. She did wonder that the car could go so fast – but then she didn't know much about cars, even with her research.

She focused her attention on the question. Should she lie? Tell the Covenant she did have more than the power of one person?

"No." She turned her gaze back out the window, hoping that would be the last of the questions. Knowing it couldn't be. Reid's hands tightened again on the steering wheel.

The silence didn't last.

"Are you going to explain the amount of power coming from your bedroom last night?"

Marny focused on the fact that at the speed they were going they would be at the party in thirty minuets.

"No." Marny said carefully. "I can't." Her body pushed against the seat and she made an "oomph" sound, her head spinning at the sudden stop of scenery that had moments ago been whirling by. Reid wasn't in the seat next to her but the car was still running, "Hurt" by Johnny Cash crooning from the radio.

Her car door flew open, her seat belt unsnapped and she saw Reid, his eyes black for the first time she had seen since Halloween, standing outside her door.

"What are you doing?" Marny pressed the pulp of her palm to the side of her head to still it. "Are you trying to kill us? Or just kill yourself?" She pointed to his darkened eyes. When she felt the pull of her body leaving the car her eyes flashed white to stop him. She moved slowly, annoyed, and her eyes on his as she checked to make sure she hadn't hurt her knee when it slammed into the dashboard; when she was fully out the car door shut behind her.

"You can't tell me why enough power for two asended came from your room last night?" Reid didn't move towards her, but his eyes stayed black.

"No." Marny repeated.

"You can't, or you won't?" He specified.

"I can't. I can't tell you why that much power came from my room." Marny looked away from him. She wished she would have declined his ride, or told him to get out of her house instead of introducing him to her mother. She wished her grandfather, and Chase, and everyone else that kept a fist over her future would just die.

Reid moved closer to her, she took a step back and met the car. He still looked furious; his eyes still beamed black – so different from their usual colour. For the first time she noticed he didn't look comfortable, didn't look graceful. She thought he might attack her. That he might knock her out and she would wake up in that old house's basement. They would torture her and find out everything.

"Did you know about us before the Halloween party?" Reid was standing right in front of her now, his face inches away. She thought again of lying, but she was sick of it now. Of always making lies and excuses.

"Yes. She said carefully, her white eyes meeting his black ones. "But I wasn't planning on meeting you exactly when and how I did-"

Then his lips were pressed hard against hers, she had to lean both hands against the car's door to keep from falling against it; one of his hands fisted almost violently in the hair at the back of her neck, the other was surprisingly light against her face. The fingers at her face fanned out over her right check, his thumb ran across the ridge of her chin and pressed lightly, tilting her head.

She stopped thinking. She stopped worrying. Her eyes closed and she let him deepen the kiss. One of her hands flittered of its own accord to his cheek, his brow, and then settled at the hollow where neck meets shoulder.

He smelled of limes, and black pepper up close and something that made her think of a large house or an old bookstore – comforting and ageless. Safe.

The hand at her neck loosened from her curls and moved to her shoulder, down her arm, and wrapped around her wrist. She imagined he could feel the rush of her pulse there, jumping.

When he pulled away she took a deep breath and opened her eyes. His eyes were grey, quiet and guarded. She knew hers were wide, and no longer white. And then thoughts started back into the forefront of her mind, and she felt sick. She moved clumsily to get back into the car, her cheeks felt on fire.

"We have to go – Madelyn is going to be waiting for me." Marny looked around at the now deeply dark sky, somehow she had missed twilight.

Reid got into the car and pulled back onto the road. She wondered what he thought about her – knowing who they were; she wondered if he was remembering how she acted that first night, like they were kidnapping her, like she was confused. She hoped he did. She thought it didn't matter anymore, she didn't want to care.

Five minutes and they would be parking; she could hear the music through the trees.

"It was my grandfather." Marny admitted. Reid parked before looking at her. "In the room with me, it was my father's father. You wouldn't have seen him leave." And then she opened the door and stepped out, walking towards the fires and dancing and music.

TBC

Authors Notes::

The end is my favorite part of the chapter, and I'm almost positive my favorite part of the story period. It took so long for me to figure this chapter out- and then I wasn't even going to have the next chapter, it was going to be part of this chapter, and then things got out of hand length wise so I moved it. Which means that the next chapter is almost finished. Dance with me.

This chapter was hell, just so you know. It seemed like forever writing it, and at first I had no idea how I was going to pull off that last part naturally. I was half asleep and it came to me, and I have to say I'm thrilled with it. Hope you feel the same way.

Plus, don't hate Rose. I personally feel really bad for the lady. She wants so bad to protect her daughter, and for her daughter to have what she didn't- but the women doesn't have any nifty powers to defend her from the evil grandpa.

Thanks thank thanks for all the support. I really love reading what you guys have to say about the story so far, and what you think may happen. Everyone who has reviewed is completely awesome, you guys keep me writing. Well, you guys, and Reid and Marny. I've become quite attached.

And I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going to have to add an alternative ending…

References::

1) "I have learned to hate all traitors." -Aeschylus

2) "Think how much worse it would be if life was fair, and all the awful things that happened to us happened because we actually deserve them. I for one take great comfort in the completely impersonal hostility of the universe." –Babylon Five

3) It is a curious sensation: the sort of pain that goes mercifully beyond our powers of feeling. When your heart is broken, your boats are burned. Nothing matters anymore. It is the end of happiness and the beginning of peace. –George Bernard Shaw