On Any Given Day - The Watch Stander

Thanks to all for your reviews and comments and yes, I used a few of your ideas to help this along. As promised more Angst!

Ps Tried to post this yesterday, but website was quirky and wouldn't let me, Sorry!

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Chapter 9- Despair

Rodney was floating it seemed, drifting somewhere, where silence and darkness surrounded him. Slowly the darkness started to clear, as if it were a fog, then he was swept once again into the outpost where armed Genii surrounded him.

Standing in the doorway of the outpost, arms crossed and a smile on his face, was Sheppard,"I know you can do it... if you really want to try," was all he said as the Genii started firing.

Rodney called out to him, but Sheppard just stood there, still smiling as the scientist, now bleeding, slowly sank to the floor. Rodney tried pleading, " Help me...,,"but the smile remained on Sheppard's face and he never moved.

Feeling that Sheppard hated him and would let him die here alone, made him hurt so much, that he just wanted it to end.

Finally, Rodney sobbed, "I can't play this game anymore... you win."

Heartbroken and unable to accept that Sheppard would just stand there and watch him die, he allowed the blackness lay claim to him once more.

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Carson Beckett was beyond exhausted, as he tried to get comfortable, while sitting in a plastic chair by his patient's bed. If the room wasn't so small, he would have set up a cot that he could nap on.

"Bloody hell, how does anyone sit in these!" he griped nearing the end of his patience, as he once again shifted his body trying to get comfortable. It had been almost six hours since the surgery and Carson wanted to make sure Rodney was all right before he gave him anything more to make him sleep.

A moan from his patient had him instantly alert and on his feet.

"Rodney, can you hear me Lad?" Carson leaned over the bed, holding onto the scientist's hand, hoping for a response.

A tear slowly trickled down Rodney's cheek as he sobbed openly, as if something was hurting him.

Carson immediately placed a gentle hand on the side of Rodney's face, "What is it Rodney? Are you in pain? Tell me, Son, I want to help you."

Rodney's blue eyes blinked and seemed to have trouble focusing, as if he were coming back from someplace distant. He stifled another sob and finally managed to focus on Carson's worried face above him. He could feel the cool hand on the side of his face and knew he was with someone who cared about his well being.

"Carson?... Where am I?" he whispered, tears still tracking down his face, as waves of emotional pain from the dream were still running through him.

Beckett smiled and dropped his hand from the man's face, "You're in the infirmary in Atlantis, Rodney. You were shot while on a mission. Are you in pain ? Can I get you anything?"

Rodney digested that bit of information and wiped at his eyes, embarrassed by the tears on his face. "Water, my throat..."

"Aye, I have it here." Carson retrieved the glass of water from the night stand and placed a straw in it, then turned back to McKay.

Rodney needed Carson's support in order to lean forward to drink it. There were tight bandages across his chest, reminding him that he had indeed been hurt, it wasn't a dream. . .

After taking a long drink, Rodney looked at Carson with a heartbreaking expression on his face, "Am I gonna die?" he asked in a shaky and emotional voice.

Carson smiled affectionately at him, shaking his head as he replied softly, "Not if I can help it, you're not." He then helped his friend get comfortable against the pillows before adjusting the drip on the IV that allowed the sedative to flow.

Rodney gave him a slight smile, then his eyes closed sleepily as he leaned back into the pillows, feeling safe for the first time in a long while. He was asleep in a matter of minutes as the sedative did its job.

Carson gently tucked the blanket around the sleeping man, then sat down in the chair, knowing that he wasn't going anywhere tonight, for he had a friend to watch over and keep safe from harm. Somehow the Pegasus Galaxy wanted to claim Rodney's life and Carson was not about to let it get him without a fight.

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Sheppard tossed and turned for the first hour after he hit the sack, but finally allowed exhaustion from the days events to take over and he fell asleep. The dream that followed was about Doranda and he was once more trying to get Rodney to leave the experiment and get to safety with him.

No matter what he said the stubborn Scientist refused to listen. Finally John's military training took over, a voice inside him saying 'Cut your losses and leave, save yourself or you will die and your death will serve no purpose...'

It all rang true, he needed to leave. He hadn't survived Afghanistan and the Wraith to waste his life like this, all because some arrogant fool was about to commit suicide. Atlantis needed him, he didn't want to throw it all away because of one man.

He felt the anger forming inside and was just about to turn and leave for the jumper, when something stopped him...McKay, he had to get him out... 'Leave no man behind' had always been the code that he lived by. To betray it now would be saying he had nothing to live by. Rodney was part of his team and a friend. I do not leave friends behind...

But the voice inside again whispered, 'he won't come, he's a fool...leave' his survival instincts finally kicked in and this time John obeyed. As he turned to leave, Rodney looked up from his laptop and stared directly at him. There was a hurt look on the scientist's face, but he said nothing and John quickly left him behind.

He suddenly found himself in the jumper, flying through space debris, dodging the weapon's fire as best he could. A sudden bright flash behind him told him the planet was now gone...

And so was Rodney...

John sat up in bed, gasping for air, heart hammering in his chest. His hands shook as he covered his face with them, trying desperately to keep control and not let the emotional turmoil from his dream take over. For just a moment he felt his eyes start to water from the emotional impact the dream had on him. It cut through him like a knife as he remembered all that had really happened that day on Doranda and how it lead to yesterday's event at the outpost.

He continued to sit, holding his head in his hands...still remembering Rodney's hurt look from the dream. It was the very same look he wore after he had apologized and John had closed the transporter door on him.

The whole nightmare suddenly came crashing down on him as he sat there trying to make it all go away - wanting it to stop hurting.

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Elizabeth wasn't sure she had heard clearly what John Sheppard had just told her about the events from the last mission. Earlier he had called her asking for a meeting to debrief and explain to her what had happened. When he entered her office she could tell he hadn't slept well, there were dark circles under his eyes and he seemed subdued, not like his usual perky self.

She realized that now she had two of her top people to worry about, for Carson had called this morning and told her Rodney's condition had worsened. The scientist was running a high fever and Beckett was afraid he'd have to take him back into surgery. There was a possibility of infection and some internal bleeding, that he might have missed.

All of this had been going through her mind when John came in looking like he'd done three rounds in hell, and hearing what he'd just said, maybe he had.

"Am I to understand that you feel it was your fault the Genii shot Rodney?" She couldn't believe that was what he had said.

"Yes... I take full responsibility for what happened." He stated it without emotion.

"Why would you leave him there if you knew they would come for him? I can't believe you'd let him be injured on purpose, no matter what you told me the other day."

She just couldn't accept that John would hurt the scientist.

John leaned forward, his hands clasped before him as he looked down at the floor."Elizabeth, I would never deliberately hurt Rodney or put him in harms's way, you must know that, but I was angry and didn't think he'd be in any danger if we left him behind... I found a villager's body as well as the two dead Genii inside the outpost. He must have followed us there and then turned us in to the Genii for the reward."

He paused a moment then continued, " No matter what happened, it still comes down to the fact that it was my decision and mine alone to leave Rodney and he was hurt because of it. Therefore, it's my fault." His voice was barely a whisper.

Elizabeth could see that this was tearing at him, Colonel Sheppard didn't often show his feelings, but this time she could tell that he was very upset.

She too had to take some of the blame for allowing Rodney to go on the mission in the first place. Radek had told her how hard Rodney was taking the failure of not getting the weapon to work and that the scientist wasn't eating properly and was sleeping in his lab.

"I think we both failed with Rodney, we should have cared a little more about him and how he would handle the whole situation afterwards." her words were bitter, knowing she had failed her friend as well. The scientist depended on her and she felt she had let him down.

She got up from her chair and went to the window, looking out at the sea that surrounded Atlantis. As she crossed her arms, she suddenly felt very helpless and depressed. " I'm sorry I didn't step in earlier and say something to him. Maybe this wouldn't have happened if I had."

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One day later...

Teyla sat at the table in the cafeteria with Ronon, slowly eating her lunch of salad and fruit. Ronon had various items heaped on top of one another, burying each other, so that none of them were recognizable.

"Do you think Rodney and John will be friends again?" she asked him.

Ronon looked at her, he knew how upset Sheppard had been in the outpost trying to stop Rodney's wound from bleeding.

"Sheppard's sorry that McKay was hurt and thinks it's his fault. I'd say that admitting that might be a good thing."

Teyla wasn't sure, she had hoped they would have resolved their issues under different circumstances. Having Rodney badly hurt and unconscious in the infirmary was not what she had hoped for as a way to regain their friendship. John would definitely blame himself for Rodney being injured and she didn't know how Rodney would feel about what had happened.

She sighed, "I just hope Rodney gets better. I miss him and I know John would feel terrible if we were to lose him."

Ronon stared at her thoughtfully, remembering the hurt look on Sheppard's face in the outpost. It was the look of a man who'd just lost his best friend.

"Yeah, me too," was all he could say.

TBC

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