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PART 2; Sasuke's Warped Sense of Gayhem

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It often occurs to Sasuke that he's infatuated with a complete dumbass, and he feels like taking a kunai to the head for it.

That heavy sensation in his gut isn't his lungs collapsing, or his ribs being crushed. He can't really define it, and prefers to ignore it when he can. Naruto went to great lengths to get him back in Konoha; he won. He proved that they were equals on the battlefield.

Only equals. Only on the battlefield. That's as far as Sasuke would ever accept, because really. Being one-upped by a complete ass was shameful, and Sasuke was anything but now.

He wouldn't be where he was without the guy. Sasuke's cursed to have a constant entity in Naruto for the rest of his life. The exuberant boy called it friendship, but Sasuke called it madness. He was mad for choosing this idiot as his important person. One of them, anyway.

POOF.

Speaking of which, it's Idiot Time with Dobe-sama. Where's his book? He'd need to hit himself (and Naruto) in the head with it repeatedly for a few hours.

"Why are you doing that?" grumbled Sasuke. Yes, Naruto could take out an entire band of criminals single-handedly, and yes, he could pound a mountain-sized beast into it's grave with one Rasengan and the usual spiel about becoming the next Hokage (you've got to be a bit more than a below-average Chuunin for that, Dead Last) whoopdie-damn-do. But nary was there a sight more painful than this one, if only because of how stupid it was.

"Tee hee, what's the matter, Sasuke-kuuun? Don't you wanna play with me?" 'Naruko' blew a kiss at him.

"Not even in the slightest."

"Spoilsport."

Of course, Sasuke was well aware that having a busty, blonde bimbo stark naked in the middle of any other guy's room would be his dream come true, but let's be real. Sasuke was hardly any other guy. He had class. He had dignity. And he preferred flat chests.

Err.

We'll just pretend he didn't think that.

"You know, Sasuke, you've always had about a million girls fawning over you. Why not just pick one already?" asked Naruto.

Okay, so he had a point. Sasuke was old enough. He could start reproducing anytime now, and he'd have plenty of girls lined up for the job. According to Naruto (not that Sasuke ever listened to him), all this sex was something all the other guys'd be jealous of. Tch, whatever.

Sasuke would have to pick carefully. He didn't want his children to be morons, weaklings, defects, or anything that would disappoint his fallen clan in the slightest. It had to be absolutely perfect. Yes. That's exactly why Sasuke had been putting this off for so long.

However, his lips were still a bit swollen from where he and Naruto'd been 'fighting' earlier. He knew it wasn't generally in the norm for a man to kiss another to prove his superiority, but all areas had to be covered. All of them. And that's all there was to it, really. If Sasuke wasn't going to be a better fighter, he was going to be better at everything else, damn it!

But damned if girls could do any better than that loser. Maybe Sakura could? Maybe. Dead Last would be on her tail, though, but Sasuke already had the advantage of her Eternal Crush, so that wouldn't really be proving anything.

Sakura, however, was out of the question. But did he really talk to any other girls? Nah. Finding one in general wasn't the hard part. The hard part was finding one worthy to aid in restoring his clan.

Then again, Sakura was pretty smart. Very smart. Their children would undoubtedly inherit the very best traits in both of them, bar one. He didn't want to risk being the start of the new pink-haired Uchiha clan. It would undoubtedly clash with the Sharingan. Hell, the hair may even be so pink that it pinks up the Sharingan. And who would take the Uchiha clan seriously then? Nobody, that's who! Sasuke wanted Itachi to be rolling in his grave, not laughing in it.

Sasuke had a lot of thinking to do. And what was that fly suddenly buzzing in his ear?

Smack.

CRASH.

"Oy! What'd you do that for, fucker!?" bellowed Naruto, lodged upside down in a tangle of limbs between two halves of a dresser. Looks like Kakashi-sensei would be paying extra for this inn again, and he specifically told them not to break anything this time. Kakashi should know better than to stick them in a room alone together anyway. If worse came to worse, Sasuke'd just point his finger at Naruto and the idiot'd get struck by a thousand years of pain, or something. It was his fault for interrupting Sasuke while he was in the middle of trying to answer the question.

"I was giving your question some thought. Pardon me for having a brain," Sasuke grumbled, rolling his eyes as Naruto brushed the woodchips from the dresser off his sleeves. Oh yes, brush them all over the futon where I'm supposed to sleep. Waking up with a body full of splinters is always fun.

"Your brain broken, or something? You completely spaced out. I thought you were dead for a minute there. Not that I'd mind." And he topped that little rant off with a 'harrumph', then cracked an eye open when Sasuke's retort didn't come. He waited all of five seconds before plopping himself next to his best friend-rival-whatever. Scratch that. Sasuke was not a 'whatever'. Since Itachi's death, though, he didn't really know what he was. A wandering piece of flesh that sucked air? That seemed reasonable enough. Not to mention he was better than Naruto and everyone else at everything, but that went without saying.

"Ne, Sasuke, if your brain's not broken now, it's going to be if you keep this up. Maybe you shou-"

Sasuke shut that inane rambling up with a kiss. Really, it was the best thing they'd ever decided was okay between them because it was the only time Naruto ever stopped talking. And, well, it wasn't so bad, really. He shouldn't be wasting his time on guys, but it was hardly as if Naruto of all people could stand in the way of his intentions. Been there. Tried that. Nothing doing. It was nice to know he had a friend to return to in the end, several, in fact. Sakura counted as a friend. If only it weren't for the pink hair.

It never occurred to Sasuke that the appearance of the Uchiha's was going to be so important. His brain spent a good majority of time in Kill Itachi Land. Now that Itachi was no more, he had other goals to fulfill. Funny, he thought this'd be the easy part.

Naruto was counted out of the rankings for potential mom. Even if he did have that Sexy no Jutsu thing, it was just too weird. The idea of Naruto pregnant made him want to hurl.

"Ugh!" Sasuke felt the need to pretend he was scrubbing his brain. Not that it did anything to drive away that mental image.

"What's wrong? You got diarrhea, or something?"

My mind sure does. "No, stupid!"

"Just asking, geez."

"Dumbass."

"Bastard."

And it continued on like that for quite some time, until Kakashi and Sakura wandered in, not in the least bit surprised to find them bickering. Some things never change.

"Whose fault was that?" asked Kakashi, referring to the two hunks of firewood and pile of toothpicks that once resembled a dresser. He looked mildly surprised. Usually "break nothing" translates into "okay, maybe two or three" when it comes to those two. One dresser was a valiant feat.

When met with Kakashi's gaze, Sasuke and Naruto pointed at each other.

"Figures." He pulled out his book and buried his nose in it, heading for the door without as much as a hint toward what he may be thinking. "In any case, we've got to get moving. The mission starts at midnight."

"Yosh, time to go kick some ass!" shouts Naruto, hopping to his feet with his fists pumped into the air. He had a grin a mile wide on his face and was currently rubbing the stubble on his chin, trying to look cool for Sakura. Sasuke knew he'd go after her because he always did. And, as usual, his attempts at impressing her were met with scorn. Although, Sasuke didn't miss the... soft? look in Sakura's eyes after she'd struck the blonde across the head. She must have gradually become amused by Naruto's sad attempts sometime throughout the years, perhaps even a bit more than amused.

Oh.

Good.

Sasuke didn't want pink-haired spawn anyway. Finding another girl was going to be hell, though. Finding one that might understand why she may walk in on something two males--best friends, rivals, and professional ninja at that--generally didn't do was going to be even more hell. Well, no. Sakura probably would freak out, too, but he had adapted to her moods, so she was by far the easiest to deal with.

The solution? He'd figure that part out later. For now, mission time, beat the hell out of someone, fix one of Naruto's stupid mistakes just to piss him off, ignore Sakura, and head off to bed. He'd do the same tomorrow while he was at it.

Life was good. For now.

T B C

A/N: Itachi just had to let the gay one live, huh?

Okay, I want to make something clear. This isn't meant to be a Sakura-bashing fic. I know I pick on her, but I pick on all of them! Especially poor Sasuke, yikes. Hell, if I included Rock Lee and Gaara (my two favorite characters) I'd be mean to them, too, but only out of love. I like Sakura, so yeah. She's not safe from lolful jabs, but she is safe from scorn. I'm not a fan of serious character-bashing anyway. I think it's stupid.

Anyways, to be honest, I have no clue where this fic's going. It's really something I'm writing on a whim out of boredom and to get a proper handle on the characters. What I'm really hoping for is some con crit to help sway my writing into a good direction. New fandom jitters. Eep.

Thanks for reading guys. :)