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PART 3; Fag Hag

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Emotions were funny things. Very funny.

Funny things, Sai came to realize, were very difficult to draw.

Okay, so he got some laughs when he drew a penisless Naruto. It seemed to have fallen into the hands of some evil children, which fell into the hands of some older children, which fell into the hands of Sakura, who promptly struck him in the head. She didn't find him very funny, but the rest of the village seemed to. Sai didn't understand the laughter. The drawing was a mere theory.

Speaking of theories, Sai had another one cooking up beneath the lead of his pencil. He had asked--rather paid Konohamaru a fair sum of money--to put his interesting new jutsu to good use and transform into Sasuke and Naruto for him. Sai thought a drawing of this'd be a nice present for Sakura's birthday. After all, she was a fag hag.

"How much longer do I have to hold this?" 'Naruto' asked, seeing as he was the one on top and in the most uncomfortable position imaginable. Sai read somewhere that fag hags tend to like the bottom boys more, so Sasuke, being Sakura's favorite, was on the bottom. He wanted to get their anatomy juuust right, well, aside from their 'sizes.' That little detail needed to be altered. Turns out, Naruto's was bigger than Sasuke's. Imagine Sai's surprise, heh, but he drew Sasuke's larger anyway, because Sakura would like that more.

Sai told 'Naruto' to quit squirming, and that this wouldn't take too much longer. Somehow, after an hour of being told that, Konohamaru couldn't bring himself to believe it anymore. Using this jutsu for an extended period of time not only sapped Konohamaru's chakra, but it made him feel, well, exposed, like he in his normal form was naked on top of, say, Udon, or something, which was a really gross thought. Girls were such perverts!

Finally, Sai put down his pencil.

"Hmm," he said, turning his drawing toward the younger boys, err, boy. "Do you think I made Sasuke's penis big enough?"

Konohamaru, in NaruSasu no Jutsu form, took one look at that and paled. 'Sasuke' went POOF bye-bye, and 'Naruto' went POOF back into Konohamaru, and damn did he look disturbed.

So disturbed, he took his money and vowed to never, ever, ever, EVER use that jutsu again. Naruto-niichan was going to kill him for sure.

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Birthdays often went forgotten on Team Seven.

Sasuke and Naruto spent most of their lives getting nothing and celebrating nothing, and naturally continued to do so. In turn, that meant they didn't give a flying turd about anyone else's birthday, which was kind of a downer, especially when they were on missions.

Today's mission had been especially long, tiring, and ridiculous, and the long walk back only made it worse. It made Sakura consider ditching her team to work in the hospital. It was the only place she ever felt needed and, truth be told, being around the boys was a difficult thing these days. There was something there that she just wasn't seeing. In the very beginning, it was mostly the power issue, but Sakura was more than powerful enough to lend a helping hand now. She'd gone one-on-one with a member of Akatsuki and won, so she'd just like to see either of them dare to insinuate that she was the weakest link now.

Somehow, she wasn't getting that impression from either of them. It was as if she were doing a jigsaw puzzle, and she just couldn't seem to get all of the pieces to fit, no matter how hard she tried.

Those two. They argued about everything. It was exactly as it was when they were younger, before Itachi returned, before Orochimaru beckoned, and yet it was different. It was as if, as if they found comfort in their bickering. A language only the two of them spoke, and Sakura felt like a third wheel whenever she tried to intervene.

She loved Sasuke so much, and didn't fail to recall his initial goals for a single day. Itachi was dead. That's one of Sasuke's goals checked off. The next was restoring the clan, which Sakura thought she was a shoe-in for.

But he hadn't chosen her yet. He hadn't chosen anyone. He couldn't have possibly forgotten, but considering all that happened, maybe his objectives...

Sakura shook her head. Sasuke's objectives were his own. Whatever he chose to do, Sakura couldn't control. That's just the way it was.

Still, Naruto was getting awfully chummy with him lately, which put a sour, envious taste in her mouth. Those two were really something else. She never got why they appeared to hate each other so much, yet were so bound to one another you could swear they were almost like-like star-crossed lovers, or something.

When she laughed at the thought, Naruto asked her what was so funny, and she quickly thought of a terrible joke Ino told her. Naruto wasn't impressed, but he believed her. Sometimes, him being an idiot came in handy.

"Ne, Sakura-chan! When we get back let me walk you home." He cast a pointed smirk in Sasuke's direction that made Sakura want to hurl him right into the ground. She so did not need this, especially on her birthday!

If she didn't know any better, Sakura could have sworn Sasuke's ears had a pinkish tint to them. Then again...

"I'll go, too," said Sasuke, without turning to face them. She was just about to turn down Naruto's request, but that would mean turning down Sasuke, as well. After all, they were joined at the hip. If her Sasuke time had to have Naruto, she supposed it was better than no Sasuke time at all.

She took Sasuke's hand, and Naruto took her other. For once, she felt like she was at the center of the world, and thought that she was dreaming. Of course, for this to be a proper dream, Sasuke would have to be smiling just a bit more, and Naruto talking a lot less. In fact, she felt a bit like erasing Naruto altogether. Why, she hadn't felt this possessive over Sasuke since Ino had a crush on him! Sakura didn't know how Chouji of all people managed to nail a bitch like Ino, but Sakura sure had to thank him for it. They were almost friends again because of it. Ino had to apologize for all those forehead insults first, though.

"It's her birthday," muttered Sasuke to the guards once they reached Konoha's gates. Both hands fell from Sakura's once the guards didn't seem to buy it and proceeded to snicker. On one hand, it was nice that they remembered for once. On the other, they didn't have to release her so abruptly. She almost felt as if she'd been severed from them once again. It stung in the back of her throat, but she did her damnedest to keep the tears at bay. She cried far less than she used to, and wanted to keep it that way, if only for her own sake.

"Sorry, Sakura-chan. Kakashi-sensei was giving us this look and it seemed like the right thing to do," Naruto amended, as if he could read her mind. He'd been doing quite a bit of that lately. She wondered how she could make it stop.

"I forgot he was even there," said Sakura. True, he was silent, taking up the rear on their journey back home. It wasn't like they were doing anything wrong. In fact, the three of them hand-in-hand-in-hand in fairy land ought to be his dream come true, what with all the talk of 'teamwork'.

That man was simply impossible.

"I'll treat you ramen later if you want."

"It's fine, Naruto." And she meant it. No more missions, apologies, or ramen for the rest of the day. Need sleepy. And if she was lucky, maybe Ino or Lee-san left her a birthday card. It's the best she could ever ask for really.

What she hadn't expected when she reached her doorstep was a gift wrapped in brown paper. Normally her parents were the only ones who gave her gifts anymore, but she was happily wearing the new sandals they'd bought for her at the moment.

The tag on the front read "From Sai" and Sakura blushed. They hadn't seen each other for a weeks, and hardly ever did at all since Sasuke's return. It was very sweet of him to remember her birthday, let alone leave her a gift.

"Ooooh, what's that? What's that?" asked Naruto, glancing over her shoulder.

"We won't know until she opens it, idiot," said Sasuke which, predictably, set off Naruto. While the two of them had their angry little spat, Sakura carefully undid the wrapping and slid what appeared to be the back of a picture frame, which probably had one of his drawings inside.

A card fell from the package, but before Sakura thought to pick it up, she couldn't seem to contain her curiosity. The thought of Sai drawing something especially for her made her feel like this day was going to turn out great after all.

Once she turned it around, it took all of maybe five seconds for the picture's content to sink in before the first drop of blood dripped from her nose, and the first tear slid down her cheek. She pressed the framed drawing to her bosom, opened her front door, and slammed it right behind her as hard as she could.

That slam knocked the boys from their trance, and once they realized there were drops of blood where Sakura had been standing a moment ago, something smelled fishy.

"She must have dropped that," said Sasuke, pointing toward the card.

Naruto couldn't just be a good boy and place it in her mailbox, or slide it under her door. He just had to let his curiosity get the better of him. After all, he'd spotted Sai's name on the package, and if there's one thing Naruto knew, it was that Sai was never up to any good. Ever.

His suspicions were only confirmed upon opening the card.

'Happy Birthday, Fag Hag:)'

T B C

A/N: I wonder who taught the term 'Fag Hag' to Sai, anyway. I love him so damn much. He in all his penis loving glory wanted to be written so bad. I couldn't resist.

I still don't know where this fic is going, but if you guys are enjoying it, does it really matter? If you're reading this CaveDwellers, I appreciate your input. I'm trying to put a little more meaning behind their childish bickering (even though this fic's supposed to be inane humor for the most part.) The slang in the narration is there to depict a character's PoV, albeit written in third-person. That's just my writing style, sorry if you find it weird. If that was OoC for Sasuke in the previous chapter, though, I'll try my best to watch it next time. These characters are so new to me. Eep.

Anyways, thanks for the reviews. Holy moly did this end up on the alerts list of a lot of people! I'm surprised y'all are reading. Trusting a n00b? You guys are so brave, haha.