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PART 5; REM, Reprimiendo El Manlove-O

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There were nights where Sasuke awoke in a cold sweat. Most of the time, he dreamed of his past. Sometimes, he dreamed of fatal harm befalling his teammates. There was seldom a happy dream to ever breach his gates of darkness.

This night, he awoke panting in a cold sweat, complete with the beginnings of a stiffy, nausea, and a disgruntled disposition. He wanted to scream, thinking he had somehow become knocked up, which was utterly ridiculous considering his man parts. In all his sixteen years he hadn't once done it, but the dream he had last night sure suggested otherwise.

It went a little something like this.

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Hi! I am Sasuke's brain, but you can call me Bob. Welcome to one of my episodes where I plague Sasuke's life with angst and woe.

However, I've decided to take a more humorous turn with this one, seeing as there's only so much pure angst a brain can take before I accidentally go too far and convince him that selling his body for power is the Right Thing. Boy was that a mistake! Orochimaru was, well, lets not get into that.

A recent infatuation of Sasuke's has come to my attention, however. He can't seem to erase his beloved eye candy from me, a sloppy dumb ass by the name of Uzumaki Naruto (eh, I preferred that Neji girl myself.) Heh, but keep telling me you hate Naruto and aren't remotely attracted to him, Sasuke-kun. My little vessel's fallen in loooove. Oh where, oh where has the time gone?

But anyways, while he's in the REM stage this particular night, I have decided to do something truly awful for my personal amusement. Here, you take one part Naruto, another part Sexy no Jutsu, some Sharingan, a room full of crying children, and two very pregnant 'mommies', and you get, well, the true answer to all of Sasuke's problems with restoring the clan.

Of course, he's way too stupid to accept that. He still thinks he's going to choose a girl. HA! My vessel is about as gay as the entire Prince of Tennis cast tap dancing on rainbows. Yes, I watch anime and Sasuke doesn't. Don't ask me how that's possible because I'm done here. I hate you all because you killed my family, or something.

Sasuke's brain, a.k.a. Bob, is the izz-out! Peace, home slices.

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Visions from the previous night's dream rendered Sasuke physically ill and shaken. He was completely ignoring the fact that it made perfect sense. I mean, blond Uchihas, or pink-haired Uchihas? But the blond in question was Uzu-fuckin'-maki Naruto. There was no mistaking him for Ino, or whatsherface from the Sand. No, Naruto's blond was very distinct.

Sasuke wanted to throw up.

He couldn't recall why their lips met for the first time. According to his selective memory, it was an accident. All accidents were Naruto's fault, you see. No exceptions. The second kiss was a challenge. Naruto lost, of course, because Dead Last always loses. All the ones that followed were all challenges, or a method to seal his teammate's flapping jaw shut. He was so stupid. There was only so much Sasuke could take.

What was he doing, wasting his time on this dumb shit when he had a clan to restore? The more he waited, the less options he had in the female department. Surely there was some girl out there that met his standards: quiet, silent, taciturn, not obsessive, doesn't touch him unless it's necessary, and doesn't have a shade of hair that won't tickle Itachi's funny bone from six feet down under.

He didn't know any girls like that (rather, he chose to believe that he didn't.) And that girl especially was not Naruto. Just... he would kill Naruto for that Sexy no Jutsu garbage. All the horrid visions that plagued his mind with was the very reason he had a waste basket tucked under his chin since he woke up.

It was a little after three in the morning, and he wasn't getting back to sleep. There was something on the inside that was laughing at him, and it would continue to laugh throughout the night.

He decided to head out for a walk, never mind that the only thing he had on was a pair of pajama pants. He just needed enough out time to get some fresh air and cool off. After all, the fetal position was disgraceful for the sole survivor of the Uchiha Clan. He needed to be calm, composed, and awesomely cool. That was the Uchiha way.

The places he passed by totally only pertained to Naruto by coincidence. The ramen stand, the bridge, the hospital, all a coincidence. But the biggest coincidence of them all was stopping in front of Naruto's apartment. Imagine that. Now it's time to turn around and head back to bed.

Only, Sasuke chose to head up to his idiot teammate's apartment window instead. It was wide open, and Sasuke could hear Naruto's snores penetrate the air. The guy snored, drooled, and had blankets and pillows kicked all over the place. Yeah, that was the picture of grace. Sasuke frowned and directed his eyes toward the unkempt floor. How did the moron live like this? Oh, right, this is Naruto we're talking about.

Sasuke hopped to the side of Naruto's bed in a flash and stared down at him. His night shirt scrunched up the slightest bit, making his navel and belly muscles visible to the world. Sasuke swallowed and turned away, his cheeks totally not on the verge of burning from the sight. His friend was a big mess of limbs and drool in his sleep. This sight was in no way attractive.

But Sasuke pressed his lips to those noisy, salivating lips of Naruto's anyway, and his stomach and chest suddenly wanted to explode with this weird, tingly pressure. It was just the lust, the lust that came with the desire to keep this idiot quiet. It wasn't, wasn't like Sasuke lov-liked Naruto, or anything.

There was a dark place inside of Sasuke (whose name may or may not start with a 'B') that was laughing at him. Really exploding with laughter over his current ailment. Enraged, Sasuke really didn't know who to take his frustration out on other than Naruto, so he pounded his fist right into the moron's gut.

On reflex, Naruto's fist came flying into Sasuke's, sending him crashing across the room. He eventually landed against the kitchen counter, only breaking a few things with his body on the way.

"Who the hell did that!? You'd better not be here to steal my ramen 'cause I'll-"

"It's just me, stupid!" said Sasuke, picking himself up from the debris and rubbing his abused cheek. Naruto sure had a good left hook, well, for a total loser.

"Oh, hey Sasuke!" said Naruto, then his face fell into a disgruntled frown. "What'd you hit me for? I was having a dream about pretty girls feeding me ramen and you ruined it!"

"Cry me a river," grumbled Sasuke, feeling no sympathy. After all, if Sasuke's dreams can't be remotely normal, neither can Naruto's. That's just the way it had to be.

Moments of awkward silence started to build. Between Naruto's curious gaze and Sasuke's lack of anything truthful to say, it was truly a difficult position to be in. Something within Sasuke was betraying him and everything that was morally correct in his life. No matter how unattractive, how ridiculous, how stupid and annoying and nerve-wracking Naruto was, all Sasuke could do is stand there and try to refrain from blushing like a girl. He wasn't a girl, and he certainly wasn't going to turn into one and use that as a method to restore his clan. It just wasn't on. Pink-haired Uchihas were less ridiculous.

Everything inside of Sasuke knew that the last thing he wanted to do was have sex with Sakura. Problem was, that was the only girl he could see himself coming within a fifty mile radius of. This was a problem. Being a homosexual was a hazard to the restoration of the Uchiha Clan.

And Itachi knew that. That's right, Itachi made him this way because everything was Itachi's fault. If Sasuke could revive his brother, he'd make sure the bastard spent his last precious moments choking on dick, just to see how he liked it.

In the midst of all this contemplation, Sasuke didn't notice that he was trembling violently, sitting on Naruto's bed, or letting the guy pat his back. The hell? Sasuke hopped away in an instant and growled.

"Don't touch me! I'm not-"

The window was right there. He could leave. He didn't need Naruto to treat him like a weeping girl, not that he was acting like one or anything. What's more, he didn't need to become one. The solution to ending a problem is to separate himself from it. If he's no longer with Naruto, he can't very well be attracted to him, can he? However, what's to say there aren't other fish in the sea? Male fish, at that! He spent too much time with Orochimaru. Yes. Clearly this was his horrible influence. And Itachi's, because, once again, everything was Itachi's fault.

Well, Sasuke would just have to fight the influence of those bastards, huh?

"You're not what?" Naruto frowned. "What's your problem, stupid?"

Don't start with the pet names, now. Not that blatant insults have become pet names between them. "... Nothing. I'm leaving."

"Hey, wait!"

But Sasuke did not wait. His solution to all of his problems was to huddle into his lonely little corner and pray they disappear. Not that it ever worked, but it's where he felt most comfortable. Those prying blue eyes did nothing but mess Sasuke all up inside.

Sasuke decided that blue was no longer his favorite color.

So there.

Not that it helped any.

T B C

A/N: Reprimiendo El Manlove-O Repressing the Manlove, a.k.a. me flaunting my mad Spanish skillz (or lack thereof.) Sasuke, you can't hide in the closet forever!

Anyways, next chapter's going to have a twist to it! You guys asked for Rock Lee and Gaara, I'm thinking of evil ways to get them involved in this horrible mess (my poor woobies are being dragged into this plotless fic, oh noez.) Speaking of which, I'm also working on that non-existent plot that wants so desparately to become real. I can. Almost. See it. OMG!

Yes, I named Sasuke's brain Bob.