I Want to See You
Chapter Two: I Don't Understand You
Authors' Note:
Man, I'm so sorry for taking so long! Please forgive me!
I won't give you any excuses, since I know most of you don't care. It's not like I have a good one anyway… I'm lazy sometimes, and that's that.
Anyway, I should probably tell you that this will be a bit more dialogue-focused at the beginning and end. Sorry! Oh, and sorry if I made any of the characters OOC. I'll be honest, I've never watched the anime. I've just read almost every doujin out on Dynasty Reader and Yuri-ism. Still, I'm bad at keeping characters' personalities the way they really are. Sorry for that.
Well, I guess that's about it! Have a good read!
See ya at the bottom!
"Thanks, Kyouko," she replied. The way she said it, she sounded as if she was in pain.
Why…? I'm the one who's hurting.
A few minutes later, Sayaka walked up to me, a plate of delicious-looking food in her hands. "Here ya go!" she said, handing the plate to me.
"Thanks," I told her, taking it and taking a bite with the fork she gave me.
It's amazing… as always… too bad I won't get this for much longer.
"Hey, Kyouko," Sayaka said, looking at me with a smile. "Is it good?"
I looked into her eyes, seeing a reflection of myself. I was smiling… but I looked sad.
"It's great. I'm sure he'll love it."
Upon hearing her say those words, I felt my chest tighten, and a sharp pain pierced my heart. I felt as if I couldn't breathe, realizing that Kyouko had misunderstood me all this time.
She didn't realize why… all this time, she never figured it out…
"Sayaka?" I heard her say, her tone sounding very worried. "Are you okay? Why are you crying?"
I brought my hand to my face, feeling a warm wetness slowly making its way down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. I was crying, even though she should have been even more hurt than I was. She was acting so strong, and I was being such a pansy. I closed my eyes in a vain attempt to stem the flow of my tears.
She completely misunderstood my reason for doing all this, I thought, my mind becoming overwhelmed with guilt.
I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around me, making my eyes snap open wide. Kyouko was trying to console me, even though she thought… that her love was unrequited. She didn't push me away or kick me out for all this time, even though she must have thought I was doing all this for him the entire time.
I had known of Kyouko's feelings for me for a long time. At first, I didn't care, and even thought about using her feelings to my advantage. That was the original reason why I decided to cook for her, actually. I figured that I could have Kyouko eat my meals as I practiced so that I could one day give it to Kyousuke. However, after a while of cooking for her, seeing her smile at me gratefully, I started to feel horribly guilty.
So I resolved to make better food for her as an apology for using her for my personal gain. Naturally, I didn't tell her this. She didn't seem to notice, always acting cheery whenever I came over, just like she always did. It was about a month after I started that something happened… something I never in a million years thought would occur.
I was staying the night at Kyouko's house, having a very vivid dream. It involved Kyouko and me, and we were doing things I'm still embarrassed to even think about. When I woke up, I found that Kyouko was lying right next to me. Then, I found my attention drawn to her lips. They were slightly parted, showing her small fang. I could hear her breathing softly. Her lips looked so… inviting. I didn't think. I couldn't think.
I leaned my head in, all inhibitions out the window. My tired mind refused to let me stop and think of the repercussions that might follow. Just when I was about to commit the act, I heard her voice.
"Sayaka…"
I jolted back, scared out of my mind that she had woken up. I looked at her for about thirty seconds, and she showed no signs of being awake. I remember sighing in relief. My heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest. A few minutes later, when I had finally calmed down, I made a simple connection. The way my heart was beating so quickly, the dream I had, what I had tried to do… it all led to one conclusion.
I had fallen for her.
At first, I didn't understand it. How was it possible? Up until then, I had been sure I was straight. I was in love with Kyousuke, right? There's no way I could fall for anyone else, let alone someone like Kyouko. Even after several months, I still didn't understand it. But even still, I couldn't deny the fact that I loved her. The feelings only got stronger with each passing day.
I was jolted back to the present by Kyouko tightening our embrace. "Say something…" she said, her voice sounding pained. "Tell me what's wrong."
"Why?" I whispered. "Why don't you cry?"
"What…?"
"Why don't you cry when I hurt you?!"
She tensed, pulling back so I could see her shocked face. "What do you…? Oh…"
A smile of self-loathing marred her features, and her face fell to the ground, bangs covering her eyes. She began to laugh softly, though she wasn't laughing out of amusement. She was laughing out of spite for herself. "So, how long have you known?" she asked me, her voice not the least bit shaky. She seemed strangely calm, as if she already knew what I had to say.
She thinks I don't love her… she thinks I still love Kyousuke. Why doesn't she get it?
I decided to calm down and answer her truthfully, no matter what she asked. "Yeah… I've known for a long time. More than a year, probably," I told her quietly.
I could see her shake, and I knew that she was about to break down. Finally, I saw a solitary tear fall from her eyes, which were still concealed by her long, red bangs. Then another… and another… until there were tears constantly streaming down her face. "Then… why did you do this? Coming over so often, knowing how I felt. Knowing you were just hurting me this whole time! Why?!"
She looked up, and I could see a raging storm of different emotions flaring in her teary eyes. It broke my heart, but I knew that I had to make it worse before I made it better.
"I didn't know how much it was hurting you until today," I said sadly. "I'm sorry."
"Oh? You're sorry for playing with my feelings for months on end?!" Kyouko shouted, grabbing my shoulders and shaking them. "Do you have any idea what it's like when the person you love is so close to you, but you can never reach out to them? Never tell them how you really feel, just 'cause you know for sure that you'll just get rejected?"
She looked down once more, letting go of my shoulders. She whispered three simple words, words that shattered my heart into a million pieces. "Leave me alone…"
At this point, I knew that I wouldn't be able to fix things yet. I needed to give her time and space, and I knew that. But still… I felt absolutely horrible.
"I understand…" I whispered in reply, getting up to leave. I turned around, facing her one last time. "I hope you'll eventually be able to forgive me."
With that, I walked out of her house, tears trying their best to escape from my eyes. Once I was far enough away, I let them fall, then broke into a run. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. When I finally came to a stop, I found myself at a familiar park.
"How ironic…" I said dryly, hanging my head. "This park is where we…" I couldn't finish my thought. The pain was too much to bear.
"Sayaka-chan!" someone shouted. I heard a familiar set of footsteps coming towards me. I turned to face Madoka, watching as she gasped when she saw my tear-stained face. "Sayaka-chan! Are you okay?"
I didn't respond, simply because I was finding it harder and harder to hear her. Soon enough, my body hit the ground like a ton of bricks, having collapsed from running too hard for too long.
Everything faded into black.
When I woke up, I found myself in a messy room, under the covers of a soft, comfortable, familiar bed. I sat up, immediately collapsing back onto the bed when I felt an immense, throbbing pain in my head.
Where am I…? How did I get here…? I drowsily thought as I looked around. Then, when I looked over to my left and found a familiar nightstand, my eyes laid themselves upon a picture. In the picture were me and Kyouko, eating one of the first meals I made at her house. I then realized that the only copy of that picture was located in…
Kyouko's room?! Why am I here?! I thought… I thought that…
I tried to sit up once more, but my massive headache prevented me from becoming vertical before I fell back to the bed. "Ow!"
I heard footsteps coming towards the room, and soon enough, the door opened, revealing Kyouko. She looked at me for a little while, then left the room. I heard her rummaging through the kitchen, and then the sound of her filling something up in the sink. About a minute later, she came back, holding a cup of water in one hand and some kind of pill in the other. She walked over and set them on the nightstand, then walked back to the doorway. She said one thing before she left.
"That's a painkiller. It'll help you with the headache."
With that, she left the room.
I sat up enough to lean on the bed, then grabbed the glass of water. I took a swig and held it in my mouth, setting the cup down and grabbing the pill. I put the pill in my mouth, then swallowed the water along with it.
After about five minutes, I began to grow drowsy. I said three simple words before I fell asleep.
"Please… forgive me…"
When I woke up, the headache was gone. I sat up, looking around Kyouko's room. I found Kyouko sitting in a chair in the corner in the room, breathing softly. I slowly got up out of bed, walking over to her sleeping form. I bent down to her level, calling her name.
"Kyouko…"
She slowly looked up, and I saw her tear-stained face. She must have figured out that I knew she had been crying, so she brought her right hand up to wipe her eyes. When she brought it down, she looked much better, with a weak smile on her face.
"Idiot… you made me worry," she said softly, blushing slightly as she did so. "Madoka brought you over to my place after she saw you pass out. I told you that you were gonna get sick from being outside so late last night."
"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "But… Kyouko, we need to talk."
She put her hands up, closing her eyes tightly. "Not now. I'm not ready yet. I'll let you know when I'm ready… so please, don't say anything yet. I can't handle being rejected right now."
She still doesn't get it? But… well, I guess it makes sense. I'll have to tell her when she's ready. I have to tell her… that her feelings aren't unrequited.
"I understand," I said gently. "But will you still let me come over to your place in the mean time?"
She smiled brightly, all traces of sorrow gone. "Of course! How else will I get my meals?"
I sighed in relief, an amused smile playing at my lips. Looking into her eyes, my grin widened. "Well then, I need to get dinner on, huh?"
Three weeks. That's how long it had been since our little talk. She still refrained from discussing it, so I never pushed it. I didn't want to push too hard, for fear that she might kick me out.
Kyouko had been more honest with her feelings ever since the incident. She didn't hold back when she wanted to say something nice, and she started blushing whenever I said something… suggestive. At least it meant that she still loved me.
I was jolted out of my thoughts by the sound of thunder in the sky. I looked up, seeing that several storm clouds hovered above the city, all looking as if they were desperate to let their watery contents fall to the ground.
"I'd better hurry!" I said, gripping my shopping bag tighter and beginning to run.
I had just bought groceries for Kyouko's place, since she had run out after I made her a meal yesterday. I had called Kyouko earlier today, telling her that I would be late. I didn't tell her why, though. After all, I didn't want to ruin the surprise of what I had bought from the store.
When I finally got to her house, I unlocked the door with the spare key she gave me. I walked inside, heading straight for the kitchen. "Kyouko! I'm here!" I shouted, setting the bag of groceries down and taking the contents out. I then put them away one at a time, wanting to talk to Kyouko before making her meal.
I walked out of the kitchen, looking around for Kyouko. I went to her room first, finding her fast asleep on her bed. There was a trail of drool on her face that led down to her pillow, which she was clinging to for dear life.
Must be having a nightmare, I thought sadly as I watched her. I walked over to her, sitting beside her sleeping form. Raising my hand to her forehead, I was just about to brush some stray hair out of her eyes when I heard her whisper something in a desperate tone.
"Sayaka… I'm sorry…"
"Sorry for what?" I queried, not noticing I said it aloud until I saw Kyouko stir. My hand flew back so as to avoid embarrassment if she were to wake up right then. I could feel my face grow hot, and I knew that I undoubtedly looked akin to a human tomato.
Her eyes slowly fluttered open, and soon after, she turned to me. Her eyes looked a little dull at first, showing that she was still half-asleep. When she finally registered that I was sitting right in front of her, she sat up straight, looking away to avoid eye contact. A light pink color dusted her cheeks, making me inwardly squeal at how cute she looked.
"How long have you been watching me?" Kyouko asked bluntly still looking away.
"Only about thirty seconds," I said nonchalantly. "I got here about five minutes ago."
She looked around, her eyes resting on the clock next to her nightstand. I looked over at it as well, noting that the time was about five-thirty. When I looked back at Kyouko, she had a quizzical expression on her face.
"I thought you would be here later," she said, though it sounded almost like a question.
"Why would you think that?" I queried.
"Well, I'm pretty sure that that Kyousuke guy was released from the hospital today, right? Wasn't he going to give you a special performance?"
"Kyouko, you moron," I said, an amused smile playing at my lips. "He was released three days ago. I told him that I couldn't come to his special performance because I had a family crisis."
"But weren't you—"
"Lying? Yeah. But still, I didn't want to make you wait on me."
"That doesn't make any sense!" Kyouko said, giving me an incredulous expression. "Why would you just blow off the person you love?"
"I wouldn't."
The look on her face changed from shock to confusion. "What do you…?"
"I wouldn't do that to the person I love," I told her, smiling softly. "That's why I didn't go. I didn't want to blow you off."
Authors' Note:
Okay, I know I said this was only a two-shot, but I didn't want to take any longer to get this out. There will be one more part!
I'm not sure whether to put the next part in Sayaka's POV again or not, but I'm leaning more towards putting it in Kyouko's. I guess you guys will just have to wait and see!
And again, I'm sorry for taking so long. Not only did I take forever, but I also extended the chapter count? You guys must hate me…
Well, there really isn't much more to say. I guess I'll finish this off with the disclaimer.
I don't own Puella Magi Madoka Magica or anything I use from it.
Until we meet again!