Chapter 30: Grief & Sadness

House stared at the man, not believing the words he was saying. But the pain on Paul's face said that it was true. No, it couldn't be true, he thought, Kate couldn't be… He stared at his coffee cup with great intensity, trying to focus on anything except the pain that was building in him.

Wilson was able to speak, which was a good thing, since House couldn't. "What happened?"

"Pearson kidnapped her somehow and took her to a house outside of the city. He called the precinct and told us he had her, but as soon as the cops got there, he blew up the house."

House looked up then, but couldn't find his voice. However, Wilson asked what he wanted to. "Did someone go in? She could be alive…"

"No, Dr. Wilson. It was a very hot, very concentrated explosion. The firefighters went in and found three bodies, a male and two females. They were burned beyond recognition. There is nothing to identify them, except for this."

He pulled a plastic evidence bag out of his pocket. In it was a plain gold band, badly charred. But when House took it from Paul's hand he could see the engraving inside it: K & G – Forever. It matched the engraving inside the ring on his own left hand. He dropped it on the desk, the pain overwhelming him.

Paul was talking, although House hardly registered it. "There was also a wedding band on the male's finger. It was a mate to the one his wife had on when she was killed. The other female had a necklace that said 'Monica' on it."

"So he killed himself and his daughter along with Kate?" Wilson asked.

House winced at the words. Kate couldn't be dead, she couldn't be.

"Yes, apparently he did. The coroner is examining the bodies, but from the preliminary investigation, it doesn't look like we're going to get anything further from them."

House finally spoke. "You goddamned son of a bitch. This is your fault."

Paul looked sad. He understood that the man was upset and he expected anger and recriminations. "We did all that we could…"

"No, you didn't. You didn't believe her when she told you this guy hadn't left the area and you didn't help her when she started getting phone calls from her. You let her die."

"I understand that you're upset, Greg, rightly so. But there was nothing…"

He cut off when he saw the murderous look in House's eyes. "Maybe I'd better go. You probably need your friends with you right now."

"Yeah, you had better go. Or I'll be going to jail for killing a police lieutenant. And it would be worth it."

Paul left the office, but motioned to Wilson as he did. Wilson followed him to the hallway.

"The department will be holding a memorial for Kate. I don't know if Greg will want to be there, but he should be."

"He doesn't always do what he should do and right now, I don't know what he'll do. But let me know and we'll see."

Paul left and before Wilson returned to House, he took out his cell phone and called Cuddy. He told her, briefly, what had happened and that he was going to take House home.

Tears filled her eyes and she told him to do whatever he needed to help House. Then she got on the phone and informed everyone else.

Soon House learned all the details about Kate's death. Apparently she had been kidnapped after she had left the hospital day care. House kicked himself for not bringing the baby to day care. But he always just let Kate do it.

Pearson must have forced Kate to drive her car to the house, because it was found parked in front with her purse still there. He had her for about two hours when he called the cops and told them where he was. They didn't trust him, but there was no alternative and the trace on her cell phone showed the location. One of the cops claimed he heard Kate yell something at the end of the call, but he couldn't make it out. It sounded something like "…it's not what he looks like…" No one was sure what she was trying to tell them.

As soon as the cops arrived, they tried to talk to Pearson. He called out from the house: "Stay away or I'll kill her. I'll kill both of them." They assumed he had his daughter there as well.

They responded with, "Stay calm, Pearson. If you come out now with Detective Martin, we can get you a deal. But if you kill a cop, you're going to be in trouble."

Then they heard him laugh and say, "Why am I talking to you? It's too late to save anything anyway."

There was silence, and then the explosion. It was very concentrated, it burned fast and hot in the house, but didn't radiate very far out. A few cops that were fairly close to the house suffered some burns, but no one was killed or seriously hurt. Except for the three people in the house.

When the fire was out and cooled down enough for the forensic teams to go in, they found the three bodies. They were burned beyond recognition. The only things that identified the bodies were the jewelry they wore. Since the wedding rings and the necklace were unique enough to identify the bodies and based on Pearson's call with Kate's voice in the background, there was no question that the dead inside the house were Pearson, his daughter and Kate Martin House.

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Two weeks had passed since Paul Rogers had told House about Kate. He hadn't returned to work yet. He couldn't bear to face the pitying faces. They had all been out in force at the memorial service that the police department had held for her.

He hadn't wanted to go, but Wilson had somehow convinced him that it was important. But the younger man had made sure to stay by House's side the entire time to be sure that there were no confrontations between him and Paul.

There weren't. All the cops were silent and full of grief. Kate had been a good cop, one that her fellow officers knew they could count on. Losing one of their number was always hard for them, but losing a good one was even harder. Plus, they all knew she had been the mother of a small child. It was hard to look at that little girl and not feel grief.

Some of them approached House to offer condolences. He just nodded, but remained silent.

During the service, the chief of police praised Kate and her hard work. Some of her friends got up and recounted stories about her. They had asked House if he wanted to speak, but he had declined. He knew that nothing he said could bring her back, so what was the point? While the cops spoke, tears flowed freely. Cuddy, Cameron and Joanne wept openly, but even Wilson, Chase, Foreman and many of the cops, could be seen sniffing and trying to hide the errant tear or two that escaped their eyes.

House had Kate's body cremated. He didn't believe in using land to bury bodies and he knew that Kate had felt the same. Since he didn't believe in an afterlife, he didn't see any reason to get sentimental about the ashes. He received the sealed box with them inside and he put it away.

In the days following, people brought food and drink to his house. He now had a freezer full of casseroles and cakes, bottles of wine, scotch and everything else you could imagine. There were supplies of diapers and baby food for Emily as well. And the people kept showing up to make sure he was alright.

But now, two weeks later, the people had pretty much stopped coming. When you didn't talk to people, or react to anything they said, they didn't see a reason to come.

His parents came for the memorial service and his mother wanted to stay for a while to help him with Emily, but he declined and sent her home with his father. He didn't want anyone, so they left him alone.

Except for Wilson, of course. He came every day to make sure House was okay and stayed in the guest room because he was afraid House wouldn't be able to take care of Emily.

Wilson took her to day care for House so that he could get some rest and the nanny brought her home each day, staying until House told her to leave.

But House wasn't okay. He never thought he would know pain worse than the pain in his leg, but this was. And the Vicodin didn't help at all. He would take so much that he would pass out and still the pain was there.

Nights were the worst. He either lie awake, thinking about Kate burning to death in that explosion or he would sleep restlessly, hearing her voice calling him to help her.

After a month, Wilson convinced House to return to work. House realized that he should, because staying at home only made him think about Kate not being there more. So he went to work. His team expected him to be angry, to be surly, or to lose his temper with them. But they never expected the House that returned to PPTH.

He was quiet. He didn't speak to them at all, except about a patient and then only what had to be said. No sarcastic remarks, no snide comments. Just the facts, then he would retreat to his office.

At home, he barely ate, most of his sustenance being scotch. He usually feel asleep in a drunken stupor. He never touched the piano. He never held Emily.

Wilson realized that his friend was in deep depression over the loss of his wife, but every time he tried to broach the subject, House shot him down and refused to talk about it.

"I don't need anyone's help. I'm fine."

"Obviously, you're not."

"I go to work each day. No patients have died. I'm fine."

"You go to work, then you come home and drink yourself to sleep. You never even talk to your daughter."

"What do you expect me to say to her? 'Sorry, your mother's not here. All you've got left is a piece of shit father.' I don't think that's going to help her."

"And this is? Not being a father at all?"

"Works for me."

"Right, because if you don't talk to her, you can get drunk and forget Kate ever existed."

The look that House gave him told him that he had hit the nail on the head.

Wilson knew he wasn't getting anywhere with his friend and had to do something drastic. So the next evening, before House had gotten too drunk, Wilson told him that Social Services was coming the next day to take Emily.

House looked at his friend, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Well, I can't stay here forever. I have to get back to my apartment—and my life. And since you don't want to take care of your daughter, I thought it best if the state takes her. They'll find a foster home for her for now. And since she's so young, I'm sure someone will adopt her. You just need to sign some papers and she's out of your life. Then you can sell the house and every memory of Kate will be gone."

The words that hit House the most were "foster home". He knew more than anything else that Kate would not want her daughter to be raised as she had been - in foster care.

"No." he said.

"No what?"

"No one is taking her away."

"You took yourself away from her right after Kate's death when you closed yourself off from her. This would just make it legal."

House stared at the drink in his hand. Then, in a voice that was barely audible, he said, "I don't know how to do this."

"How to do what?"

"This. Function without her. Be both parents to Emily, hell, to be any kind of a parent to her without Kate. To live without her."

Wilson looked at his friend. "You do it one day at a time. You remember that that baby is the only part of Kate that you have left and you hold on to her and love her."

"But what if I screw up?"

"You have friends. We'll all help you. But you've got to help yourself first. You've got to stop drinking. You've got to take care of your daughter. You've got to function."

House didn't know if he could. But he thought of Emily. And he thought of some of the last words Kate had said to him: "You're a terrific father. You love her and that's number one. You'd do anything to protect her. And if I wasn't here, you'd be father and mother to her because you'd have to be and you'd know that's what I want."

He knew he couldn't let her down. And he definitely couldn't let Emily go.

From then on, House forced himself to become a functioning human being. He took Emily to day care each morning. He went to work. He was still subdued, but he began to snark a little. He went home each day and took care of the baby, holding her, playing with her. He sat at the piano with Emily on his lap and played music for her. Her chubby little hands would bang the keys while he played and he let her.

The pain was still there. He had a feeling the pain would never leave him, but at least when he was with Emily, it retreated a bit. And he functioned.

Of course, he dreamed of her. Sometimes he saw her in happy times, making love to him, playing with Emily, just smiling at him across the dinner table. But more often, the dreams were painful. He would see her suffering in the flames of the explosion or calling out to him for help. One night the dream was so real he swore the phone rang and when he picked it up, he heard her begging him to help her. Then it went dead and no one was there. It had seemed so real, but it had to be a dream. No, a nightmare.

Still, he continued to function. And, slowly, his life began to take on a new rhythm, one that didn't include Kate.

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Two and a half months after it happened, Emily had her second birthday. House remembered painfully the wonderful celebration of the year before. He couldn't bring himself to celebrate this year, but he felt sorry for the little girl that lost her mother and couldn't even have a birthday party. So he gave money to the directors at the day care center to host a party for her with all the other children. There were decorations, a cake, party games and presents from the other children. Emily had a wonderful time and House didn't have to celebrate.

His mother came to stay with him for a few days and he let her. He was even glad for the company, though he wouldn't admit it.

September flowed into October. Soon November would arrive and with it, their wedding anniversary. He was already thinking about how he could get through that day. The year before, he and Kate had spent the weekend at a bed and breakfast in New Hope, dining at Marsden House. They had made love well into the night. The memory of it would haunt him when the day arrived.

But before it did, House got an early and unexpected present.

House and his team were discussing their patient's symptoms when the door to the conference room opened. Paul Rogers walked in.

House hadn't seen the man since Kate's memorial and frankly, didn't care to see him.

"What do you want?"

Paul smiled slightly. "Greg, four months ago, I walked in here to tell you the worst news a cop can tell someone. Now, I can, I hope, redeem myself for that day."

"What are you talking about?" House had had enough of his pomposity.

"I'm here to tell you that Kate isn't dead. She's alive."

A/N: Sorry for putting you through that! Had to do it for dramatic intensity. More to come!