CHAPTER 5

Jimmy spent the rest of the day and most of the evening lugging suitcases and trunks into the house and up the stairs. He had no idea how so few people could need so much baggage for a two week stay. He wondered if they'd even used half the stuff they'd hauled halfway up the country and back again. And what did they even need a holiday for? Their entire lives were a holiday.

His feet were killing him and by the time the family sat down to dinner he was so tired he thought he would fall asleep standing up. He didn't even argue when Alfred grabbed the meat platter and left him to carry the sauce. Oh stop chattering and hurry up and bloody eat, he willed the family silently, but they talked on and on about the new baby and drank endless toasts to Matthew. As he listened half-heartedly, he heard Mr. Crawley gush about how wonderful his son was and how proud of Mary he was. The others couldn't wait to see the new addition to the family and arrangements were made for everybody to drive up to the hospital in the middle of the next morning. Matthew said he'd go in early before breakfast to see Mary so that he could be back in time to meet with Mr. Murray, who was coming up from London to discuss estate business.

By the time Jimmy got up to bed he was feeling shattered, he barely managed a smile when Thomas knocked quietly on his door.

"You look as bad I feel," Thomas smiled. "Look I think the excitement will have died down by tomorrow. After dinner let's go into the village for a drink."

"I'd like that," Jimmy said and waved him goodnight.

0o0

The muted shouts penetrated his sleep first, then the sounds of doors opening and closing woke Thomas up. He pulled himself upright, a day on his feet had worked the stiffness out of his muscles, the bruises were the only thing that still hurt now. He rubbed his eyes and listened carefully, there was definitely a commotion in the corridor. Pulling a dressing gown over his pyjamas, he padded barefoot into the hallway to see what was going on.

The door to Jimmy's room was open, two of the hall boys were hovering and Mr. Carson was standing with dishevelled hair in the doorway of the footman's room. The muffled cries were coming from inside the room

"What's going on?" Mr. Carson demanded.

"It's Jimmy, he's having a nightmare. I'm trying to wake him up." Alfred's voice floated through the door.

Thomas ran over but Mr. Carson wouldn't let him pass. He craned his neck to see, but all he could make out in the dim light was the back of Alfred's head and his hand on Jimmy's shoulder, shaking him vigorously.

"Come on Jimmy, wake up!" Alfred was saying, and eventually Thomas saw those beautiful blue eyes blink open and Jimmy yelped in fright at the figure looming over him.

"What's going on?" he shouted, arms flailing and legs kicking at the covers.

''It's alright, you've just had a bad dream." Alfred said, grabbing his wrists and holding them tightly.

"I had a nightmare?" Jimmy seemed confused.

"I believe you did James," Mr. Carson said from the doorway. "And now that it's over we'd all like to get back to sleep."

"Oh thank God," Jimmy sighed, and sank back in his bed. Then he looked at Alfred with wide eyes and twisted his head towards Mr. Carson in the doorway. "Thomas... Mr. Barrow I mean... he was in my dream."

A low rumbling sound came from Mr. Carson's throat. "Well I can see why that would have been a nightmare then."

Thomas shot him a look.

"Where is he? Is he alright?" Jimmy's eyes darted around the room looking for the handsome face of the dark-haired under-butler, but he couldn't find him. "Is he alright?" he asked again.

Mr. Carson turned his head to look at Thomas, his eyes flicked down the length of Thomas' body. "I doubt Thomas has ever been entirely quite alright, but if you mean has any harm come to him, then no it hasn't."

Jimmy was quieter now and Alfred went back to his own room. Mr. Carson closed Jimmy's door and shooed the hall boys back to bed, then he turned to go back to his own room, but not before furrowing his thick eyebrows at Thomas and giving him a look that said, I'm watching you.

Thomas couldn't sleep, he paced the floor lighting one cigarette after another but only smoking half of it before stubbing it out and lighting the next one. He waited as long as he could, but eventually he could take it no more and he tiptoed back to Jimmy's room and opened the door quietly. Jimmy was awake and reached out a hand to him as soon as he saw him.

"I had the most awful dream. I dreamed those policemen took you away. I couldn't find you, but I could hear them assaulting you. I heard your cries, it was terrible. I couldn't help you."

"I'm safe, nothing's happened to me," Thomas said as he wedged a chair under the handle of Jimmy's door. He wasn't taking a chance of that great galoot Alfred walking in again. "Do you want some water?"

Jimmy shook his head, but he still looked troubled.

Thomas sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed Jimmy's hair off his forehead with a gentle fingertip. He was trying to think of something soothing to say, when Jimmy suddenly sat up and flung his arms around him. Thomas jerked back but Jimmy held him in a tight hug. Slowly, hesitantly, Thomas folded his arms around Jimmy's body and buried his face in that soft blond hair, breathing in the sleepy scent of him.

"Have you always known that you prefer men?" Jimmy's face was pressed to Thomas' neck and his voice was so soft that Thomas felt it against his ear more than he heard it.

"What do you mean?" he asked in return, still holding Jimmy tightly and pressing his mouth to the top of his head in a light kiss.

"I always thought I was normal," Jimmy said, his lips brushing against the skin of Thomas' neck as he spoke. "I like girls, I always have, but when I was around fourteen I started to notice boys too. I started to see things in them... things I liked... things that attracted me..." he spoke hesitantly, almost fearfully.

Thomas rubbed his thumb across the back of Jimmy's neck reassuringly. It calmed the younger man and he continued.

"I never gave it much thought, it didn't worry me. I'd just walk down the street and see a pretty girl and think how much I liked her eyes, and then I'd see a boy, and think how handsome he was, how much I liked the angle of his jaw or the way his jacket sat on his shoulders."

"Beauty can be found in many things Jimmy." Thomas said softly. "People find beauty in art, in nature, even in music. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you."

Jimmy seemed to be pulling himself back and Thomas reluctantly loosened his grip, letting his arms fall away. But Jimmy didn't move back too far, instead he straightened and looked Thomas in the eye.

"But I started thinking about other things too, like what it would feel like to … to touch a boy or … kiss him. I'd kissed girls and put my arms around them but … well... I wondered what it would feel like to feel muscular arms around me instead of soft ones, or if a touching stubble on a chin would feel nicer than smooth skin. I started to think about how different it would be to kiss a boy than a girl. And I wasn't just thinking about it, I wanted to do it. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. My friends were stepping out with girls and I did too, but I'd much rather have spent my time in male company."

"I can't speak for every man," Thomas started carefully, "But I think it's fairly normal to notice other men at some point or other in your life. Often you'll see a man walking in the village and think how good he looks in his suit. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it's just a fleeting thought. Women do it all the time. How many times have you served at dinner and heard Her Ladyship say how beautiful so-and-so's daughter is, or Lady Mary comment that she met an old acquaintance in London and how gorgeous that girl had grown up to be? They say it all the time, even the Dowager Countess said that the late Miss Swires was a beautiful girl with a very attractive figure."

"Yes but Lady Mary might say so-and-so has blossomed into a beauty but you don't hear her talk about how much she'd like to kiss her or get a look at what's inside her corset do you?"

"Certainly not at the dinner table no," Thomas smiled.

"What, really? Do you think Lady Mary….?"

"No, not at all," Thomas laughed, "The only woman Lady Mary is in love with is herself."

Thomas waited to see if Jimmy would say anything else, but he seemed to be thinking about something, absent-mindedly chewing his bottom lip.

"The thing is Jimmy, a lot of men have those thoughts. You heard Lord Grantham at the cricket match, and what he said about Eton? If he screamed blue bloody murder every time a boy tried to kiss him at school, he'd have been hoarse in no time. A lot of men think about it and some choose to act on it. I've known quite a few who tried it out just to see if it suited them better than being with a woman. It's just something that happens I suppose, but finding something attractive about another man doesn't doom you for life. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

"That's what I used to think too, but it is shameful," Jimmy said, "Remember that scandal in the papers a few years back, Lord Blakemore getting caught with that boy in the alley behind the King's Arms? People talked about it, they said how vile it was, what a sin it was. How men like that would go to hell, how they should rot in prison, or be publically strung up and whipped. People hated men like that, and it scared me because I was like that, and I couldn't tell anybody about it. I began to worry that I'd let it slip, that I'd say something and give myself away or talk in my sleep or … even worse maybe I didn't have to say anything at all, maybe they would just look at me and know."

Thomas' heart raged at the injustice of the world they lived in, he hated that society's prejudices had caused Jimmy so much confusion and fear. He slowly lifted his hand and touched the side of Jimmy's face.

"Then I went to work for Lady Anstruther," Jimmy continued, tilting his head into Thomas' palm. "She moved in very artistic circles, she was a bit eccentric herself and the artists and poets, and theatrical types flocked to her. Her 'nancyboys' she called them. And that's when I thought I was alright. They were all men of certain tastes and they didn't try to hide it, in fact they showed it off and I thought, phew, I'm not like that after all. They minced and flounced and were painted and primped. I disliked them and I was relieved that I was nothing like them. I was glad because it meant I was normal. You see, I thought all men who preferred other men were like Lady Anstruther's troop of painted fairies, and because I wasn't like them, it meant I was normal."

"Don't judge us all by those foppish mollies," Thomas said. He'd come across the type and they made his skin crawl.

"That's just the thing," Jimmy said. "I did judge and I felt vindicated because I was so unlike them. Until I arrived here I didn't even know that homosexual men..." he looked relieved to have finally said the word, "... could be so manly and strong and … well... normal."

"We are normal," Thomas said. He hated being judged abnormal by society because of the sexual preference he had. He was different, yes, he'd concede to that, but he wasn't abnormal.

"I know," Jimmy said, "I didn't mean it that way... I just meant..." he couldn't find the right words, but the way Thomas was looking at him told Jimmy that he understood. "When you made that pass at me it terrified me, not because you tried to kiss me, but because I wanted you to. I had to finally admit it to myself and it scared the life out of me. You scared the life out of me because you are so like me, you look like a man, you talk like a man, you act like a man. If you hadn't tried to flirt with me and kiss me I'd never have thought you were anything other than a red-blooded man. You have such an aura of masculinity about you, you're so strong, you're... just... such a … man."

Jimmy blushed furiously, he had no idea if he was making any sense or if Thomas had a clue what he was talking about, but there was a smile starting to form at the corners of Thomas' mouth.

"I'm such a man am I?" Thomas was grinning at him now. "I seem to remember you telling me at the fair that the tug-of-war would be, what were your words? Too strong for me?"

Jimmy groaned out loud and slumped forward, his forehead coming to rest against Thomas' chest. He stayed there for a moment then straightened up again.

"I feel so badly for the way I treated you this last year, I've said such insulting things to you, and I've made such terrible fun of you. I'm so sorry, I didn't do it to hurt you, I did it because you made me face something about myself that I didn't want to admit. You made me realize that the thoughts and feelings I had were real, and I couldn't ignore them because they weren't going to go away. It frightened me. I saw what happened to you, how you nearly lost your job and got turned out of Downton. And how you almost went to prison, just because you'd dared to hope for love. I was terrified of having to live the rest of my life in secret and shame in case the same thing happened to me too. I am so ashamed of being responsible for what happened to you Thomas. It never should have gone so far... and it would never have if my fear of being ostracised and my pride hadn't got in the way."

"Oh Jimmy..." There was a tightening in Thomas' chest, he had to take a deep breath to stop his throat constricting and the prickle behind his eyes told him that tears wouldn't be far behind.

"Do you know what scared me more than being found out?" Jimmy said, pulling Thomas back from his thoughts. "It was that I knew if I was discovered, I wouldn't have the dignity and strength that you had to hold your head up high. I heard you in Mr. Carson's office, I was right outside the door when he called you foul. I would have sunk in defeat but you were magnificent, you stood up to him, you stood your ground with dignity, you didn't let him take your self-respect or pride. I could never have handled it the way you did. You're twice the man that I'll ever be."

Thomas couldn't speak, tears were spilling down his cheeks and his throat was so tight that no words would come out. He pulled Jimmy to him, crushing him to his chest and let the sobs that he had held in for so long wash over him, leaving him shaken but finally at peace.

This was what Jimmy had been trying to tell him the other day in his room, Thomas thought. This is what had unsettled him and upset him so much. He'd been wanting to apologise, but more than that, so much more. He had wanted pour out all his worries and fears, he had wanted to tell Thomas his terrifying secret. It broke Thomas' heart to think of all the anxiety Jimmy had suffered, all the feelings he'd supressed and kept hidden, but at the same time his heart was singing to finally hear Jimmy's halting confession. It meant that there was hope. Hope of something more. Something more than just friendship.

When they eventually separated, Thomas' eyes were puffy and his cheeks wet. He blinked until he could see clearly again and found Jimmy staring right back at him, then he felt Jimmy take his hands and hold them tightly.

"Can you forgive me?" he searched Thomas' face with pleading eyes.

"Of course."

Thomas closed his eyes as Jimmy leaned towards him and held his breath as their mouths met. His hands slid up Jimmy's arms, dragging on the sleeves of his nightshirt, skimming over his neck to cup his face. The warmth of Jimmy's mouth pressed to his made Thomas long for more. He carefully prodded the seam of Jimmy's lips with the tip of his tongue, cautiously seeking entry. He could have cried out with joy when he felt the boy's lips slowly yield to him. The heat of his mouth was incredible, Thomas never wanted to let him go. He opened his own mouth wider and let their tongues slide together. There was purpose to Jimmy's hands as they slid up his arms, over his chest, and around his back, holding him tightly. Their chests pressed together, he could feel Jimmy's heart racing, its rhythm matching his own thumping pulse. Then Jimmy's tongue was moving, caressing his. His head was spinning, he felt like he'd been sucked into a whirlpool. Nothing existed anymore, not the house, nor the family, only Jimmy. Fingers were grasping at him, pulling at his nightshirt, hands snaking up his back, fingertips stroking his skin, nails pressing into his flesh.

Thomas was seeing stars, sparks of white light flashed behind his eyelids. His hands marvelled at the feel of Jimmy's body, his fingertips tingling with the long-denied need to touch him. Their mouths were still locked together, their tongues still playing with each other when Thomas felt a small shift, a tugging sensation, the slip of their tongues, the pull of his bottom lip into Jimmy's mouth, and Jimmy sucking on it. Then suddenly the kiss was broken and he felt Jimmy's hand clamped over his mouth. Thomas opened his eyes.

In front of him was Jimmy's beautiful face, his cheeks flushed and his eyes sparkling in the dim lamplight. Only then did Thomas realize how loudly he had been moaning.

"Ssshhh..." Jimmy motioned with a finger pressed to his own lips as he let his other hand drop from Thomas' mouth.

He gazed at Thomas with steady, unblinking eyes, the taste of him still in his mouth, the flavour of cigarettes and toothpaste lingering on his tongue. He pushed his blanket back and shifted his body to the side of his small bed.

"I want you to stay with me tonight," he said. "I want it to be what it should have been the first time."

But Thomas was shaking his head slowly.

"I need you to be completely sure. You've just told me how afraid you are of a life hidden in the shadows. I don't want to be the reason you live the rest of your life looking over your shoulder. I think you've struggled with confusing feelings these past few days, I know you feel badly about what O'Brien made you do. I know you feel guilty about all of this..." Thomas pointed to his injured face. "But I want you to know Jimmy that you are not responsible for what happened, you don't owe me anything. I don't want you giving me what you think I want just because you feel obligated."

Jimmy leaned forward placing his hand on the side of Thomas' face and stroked his thumb across his lips. He watched as Thomas kissed it then sucked it into his mouth. He felt Thomas' teeth scrape against it and his tongue swirl around it.

"I'm not giving you what I think you want," Jimmy said in a hushed voice, "I'm asking you to give me what I want."

He stroked Thomas' cheek as he pulled his hand back, his eyes remaining locked on Thomas' face while he reached for the hem of his nightshirt and pulled it off over his head, dropping it on the floor. Then he lay down and waited.

Thomas found himself in the same position he had been that night over a year ago, sitting on the edge of Jimmy's bed, an arm stretched out over him, leaning down, looking at him. But this time Jimmy was looking back at him, with complete and utter trust in his eyes.

He straightened just long enough to pull his own shirt off, then lowered himself down, closing his eyes as his mouth met Jimmy's again, their lips softly parting. The kiss was long and slow, a meeting of the heart as much as a physical one. He caressed Jimmy's face slowly and raked his fingertips through Jimmy's hair, while the beautiful blond below him traced loving hands up his arms, down his back and along his chest, learning the feel of him. When the kiss ended he heard Jimmy sigh softly. Then Thomas climbed into the small bed with him and pulled the covers over both of them. He'd never been happier in his life.

0o0

The following morning found Thomas back in his own bed having crept to his room before the rest of the household woke up. They had done nothing more than kiss and hold each other. They had talked for a long time, and eventually they had slept, Thomas on his back, Jimmy curled up against his side, an arm flung over his chest and his face buried in Thomas' neck.

Sitting at the breakfast table, Thomas smiled at him over the rim of his teacup and Jimmy looked radiantly happy as he spread jam on his toast. Even Mrs. Hughes noticed that he had a glow about him.

"You look very cheerful this morning James," she said with a smile.

"I trust you are over your nightmares and had a good night's sleep?" Mr. Carson asked, staring down the table at him and fixing a glare on Thomas.

"I did indeed Mr. Carson," Jimmy replied "A very good night, with very sweet dreams."

"Oh was I in your dreams then?" Thomas asked, a glint in his eye as he took another sip of tea.

Mr. Carson coughed loudly and disapprovingly. "I don't like where this conversation is going," he said. "I don't find this a suitable topic for the breakfast table."

The staff giggled, even Mrs. Hughes had a little chuckle behind her hand, but a second later the jovial mood was shattered by the sound of a woman's scream echoing from upstairs. They all rose to their feet and started moving to the doorway.

"Stay here all of you. I'll go and find out what's going on," Mr. Carson said.

When he came downstairs again he found the servants still standing at the bottom of the kitchen stairs looking up at him. His face was ashy white and wearing an expression of shock and disbelief when he told them the news.

"There has been a motor vehicle accident, Mr. Crawley has been killed."

To be continued…..