To: Bella Swan
From: Edward Masen-Cullen
Subject: (Not) On Her Majesty's Secret Service
Bella, your mind is equal parts intriguing and scary. Killer doves and collapsing churches? Poor Kate. Next you'll be suggesting we rig up exploding bouquets or poison the wedding cake. As an international spy I do have the resources to make this happen and assume you'll agree to assist me. Gold body paint is optional but preferred.
I think I'm going to let you believe that I'm a man of mystery because the alternative is so much less glamorous and exciting. Nor do I work with corgis which are, actually, not that small. I should know, I've been bitten by one of the little buggers (not Her Maj's, the mutt in question belonged to a decrepit aunt who has long shuffled off this mortal coil). And before you suggest it neither am I Colin Firth's man servant.
The idea of stealth dates hasn't hit Emmett yet, let's hope it never does. How on earth did you end up in such a mess?
Were you able to sleep eventually? I suppose to present a breakfast show you must have to be an early riser. I hope you weren't worrying about the Great Date Plot - as I haven't heard otherwise I assume you haven't been persuaded to get on board with it.
E
"Bella? Bella?"
"Huh?" I snapped my head up to find Alice looking at me with concern.
"You've been staring at that screen for almost half an hour hon. Are you okay?"
"Sure," I flipped the laptop lid down and smiled up at her.
"You ready for the meeting?"
We'd been called in to meet with some management types after Maggie's last visit. There was a station-wide panic about KPUM's new format and The Morning After was the main victim of our rival's new found success.
But while the future of the show should have been at the forefront of my mind all I could think about was Edward.
as I haven't heard otherwise I assume you haven't been persuaded to get on board with it
What did that mean? Did it mean he wanted to meet me? Or that he wasn't anti meeting me? Or was he making polite conversation? I wasn't an idiot, I knew that him continuing to contact me meant something but that something could just be a friendly something. I mean, the guy was new in town, he probably didn't know many people other than the freaks his douchey colleague was introducing him to…
And he'd said he was going to take a break from dating, that his last disastrous dinner was a sign.
"We'd like you to take the lead on this Bella," Maggie was saying, "is that going to work for you?"
Shit
"Sure, that'll be no problem at all," I nodded enthusiastically with a plastic smile and no fucking clue what I'd agreed to. As far as I knew I'd just said I'd kill someone. Perhaps I could get my international man of mystery to help…
Since when was he 'your' man of mystery Bella?
Alice grabbed my arm as we left the conference room a short while later, "I can't believe you didn't hand it over to me!" she hissed, pulling the glass door shut behind her.
"What?"
"The singles night. I'd be so good at that, you know I would."
"Oh. Yeah, you're right. You take it Al," it certainly sounded like more of an Alice kind of thing, "if you don't think Maggie will have a problem."
"You know she's only pissed with you because you wouldn't date Rochester?" Rose fell into step with us, "she's looking for a punching bag because of the listener figures."
I frowned, "well she's found a good Bella shaped one."
We were silent as we traveled down to the ground floor by elevator, Alice humming something to herself tunelessly.
"So how did you 'deal with' him?" Rose asked, digging in the Mary Poppins bag for her keys.
"Who?"
"You know who. Edward...whatever his name is."
"Oooh," Alice cooed, "that's a good name. Good and British, like a prince."
Ignoring her I clambered into the backseat of the car, "I emailed him to apologise on behalf of my producer. That's it."
"That's it?" Alice asked, turning around in the front passenger seat to eyeball me, "nothing else?"
"He emailed back, we had a conversation. It's no big deal."
I could tell it was taking all of Alice's self-control to keep her from prying any further and she blessedly changed the subject to the singles night event that I'd inadvertently agreed to. She rattled off grand plans that would've taken me a week to come up with. Between leaving the station and arriving home she'd created a mental shortlist of venues, decided on the entertainment and decided what both she and I were going to wear. I agreed readily with everything she said before retreating to my room to catch up with some sleep.
But of course, of course, once I was under the comforter sleep eluded me again. I wanted to email Edward, somehow over the course of two public phone calls and a handful of emails I'd started to feel strangely close to him. He was easy to speak to and right now that was what I needed. After one too many crappy dates just talking to a guy who wasn't expecting anything from me was refreshing.
To: EMasenCullen
From: Bella Swan
Subject: The Great Date Plot
I have a confession to make: I have been avoiding all mention of The Great Date Plot (TGDP). It's not that I'm against the date itself. I'm against the plot. I'm very, very against the plot.
Let's face it, you have terrible luck, I have terrible luck. We're a dating disaster waiting to happen and if my friends/employees/the plotters of my downfall have their way, the disaster is going to be public.
So I've told Rose no and she's told her manager no and now her manager hates us all. If you never hear from me again it's because she's sacrificed me to the Gods of Listener Figures or something like that. In fact, as my favourite International Man of Mystery can I ask you to be hyper-vigilant? And maybe avenge my death if it should come to that? At the very least make sure that Colin attends my funeral (my final wish is that he wears full Pride and Prejudice costume).
I thought it was very sweet that you didn't tell Rose to FO by the way.
Bx
I desperately clicked at random icons, trying to stop the email in its tracks but the whooshing sound as it disappeared from my screen told me I was too late. I'd sent Edward Masen-Cullen an 'x'.
Oh like it mattered. I'd told him that I thought he was a disaster and that I didn't want to date him. Which wasn't strictly true - I was kind of dying of wanting-to-date-him-itis - but there was no way it was ever going to happen. Rose and Alice would ruin it, the show would ruin it. Who was I kidding? Bella Swan would ruin it like the big-ass deadly dating epidemic that she was.
"You're thinking about yourself in the third person Bella. Get a grip," I looked in the mirror and told myself in the third person.
"Stop looking over there, he's not going to reply to you," Mirror Bella scoffed, "that was the email equivalent of 'it's not me, it's you'."
I pulled a tongue at Mirror Bella and she pulled one back before following me back to the bed.
To: Bella Swan
From: Edward Masen-Cullen
Subject: Match Made In Hell
You're right of course, us on a date would be like the Ghostbusters crossing the streams.
I didn't tell Rose to 'FO', as you so politely put it because I quite like the idea of taking you out on a date. But for now I'm happy to exchange emails because, if nothing else, I enjoy speaking to you. Aside from Emmett I don't really know anybody in Seattle so having another human being to talk to is quite pleasant.
Not that I'm putting any pressure on you to continue our correspondence, perhaps you told Rose to 'FO' because you're repulsed by the mere idea of me.
Of course by dumping me you're dumping your one connection to your beloved Mr. Firth. It's something to consider.
I'm concerned by the potential for murder and intrigue at KSXB. Is your manager really likely to kill? That sounds like an extreme reaction to your refusal to be pimped out to a potentially dangerous international spy. The UK and US may have a special relationship but there's nothing to say I won't be turned by the Russians.
Honestly, are you in that much shit at work? I don't like to think I've had a hand in your getting into trouble. If it makes you feel any better this week is shaping up to be a right bugger over here at the Seattle branch of MI6, not least because working so closely with Emmett can be...challenging. He's now on a mission to convert me into a full red-blooded American. So far I've been to a Baseball game - my God, those things go on - and been treated to Ding Dongs, Twinkies and something called a Cinnabon which I believe could be the work of the devil himself. I like a good pastry as much as the next man but there's really no need for anything to be that size or have that much icing.
I dread to think what might be next on his list but needless to say I'm currently craving Bakewell tarts and rugby.
Ex
I quite like the idea of taking you out on a date…
I enjoy speaking to you…
x…
I ran over to release a 'squeeee' into my pillow before returning to the job at hand, properly composed.
To: EMasenCullen
From: Bella Swan
Subject: Life Needs Frosting
I think you'll find that actually crossing the streams was a good thing. It sent Gozer back to its own dimension and destroyed Stay Puft. Don't quote Ghostbusters if you don't know the facts.
As long as you have that connection to Mr. Firth (although you calling him that leads me to suspect you don't know him all that well or are you, despite claims to the contrary, his manservant after all) I suppose I'll have to stay in touch. It's just as well I enjoy speaking to you too.
So you didn't enjoy your Cinnabon experience? Couldn't take the frosting? You puny Englishmen just can't deal with the hard stuff. And as for baseball - the longer a game is the more time there is for hot dogs and beer. Don't deny your love of beer, I happen to know that you British guys love that stuff almost as much as you love tea.
It sounds like Emmett has your best interests at heart, you need to be fully immersed in the culture to enjoy your time here. I'd suggest trying basketball next time. You could get a foam finger and everything.
On the other hand I could arrange for you to spend the weekend with my father, that'd give you the chance to experience life as a real life small town American man.
Are you homesick?
Bx
ps: Bakewell tart? Is that code for something else?
To: Bella Swan
From: Edward Masen-Cullen
Subject: Foam Fingers
Would you believe me if I told you I'm already the proud owner of a foam finger? They were all the rage when I was a child thanks to a very silly television programme. That said I forgot to pack it when I moved here so perhaps I ought to get a new one or ask my mother to have it shipped over along with a Bakewell tart (which by the way isn't a euphemism, just an almond and jam pie/cake hybrid from a British town called - believe it or not - Bakewell).
Yes, I suppose I am terribly homesick at times but I'm a grown man and should be able to cope with it. I'm sure once Emmett has me fully aclimatised I'll eat a Cinnabon every morning and never look back. One thing I refuse to accept however is your approximation of beer and I don't think a trip to any sports venue to drink it is going to change my mind.
I'm intrigued to know more about this father of which you speak. I'd assumed you'd dropped down from the heavens straight into a broadcasting studio. Or at least I didn't have you down as a small town girl. Just goes to show that although I feel like I know you I don't know you at all. I don't know how old you are or what your favourite colour is or how you take your coffee.
Ex
Ps: I know very well the rules and regulations of Ghost Busting, in point of fact 'busting makes me feel good. Crossing the streams is fine should you need to deal with a Gozerian but under any other circumstance ought to be avoided. Perhap you'd be well served to reacquaint yourself with the instruction leaflet which came with your Proton Pack.
To: EMasenCullen
From: Bella Swan
Subject: I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghost…
...but I am very afraid of the librarian. That bitch still scares the crap out of me.
So that's one new thing you know about me.
Do you really care what my favorite color is or how I take my coffee? Blue and white if you must know. And I'm 26, which is very young to be hosting a breakfast show but too old to still be living with your college friends. Alice, by the way, brought me Chinese food earlier this evening. She's trying to suck up because she wants to auction off a date with me at this KSXB event. She NEVER LEARNS.
If you hadn't noticed I know much less about you than you do about me. I don't even know what your real job is or where you're from. I mean, I know you're from England but where? Liverpool? London? Bakewell, home of Bakewell tarts (I Googled them by the way and they sound far worse than Cinnabons)?
So, my Dad...Charlie is as American as it comes. He's Chief of Police back in Forks, which is the grey town I grew up in, and when he's not driving around in his cruiser warning kids against trying to buy hooch he's sitting in his ass dent on the sofa watching sports and drinking Rainier Beer (I'm sure not as good as your supreme British drinks) or he's out fishing with his buddies. That's what guys do in Forks, you wanna get in on some of that action?
I'm going to bed now, hopefully I won't have nightmares about scary ghosts or disgusting pie-cakes but if I do I hold you responsible.
Bx
To: Bella Swan
From: Edward Masen-Cullen
Subject: Going, Going, Gone…
Good night or good morning, depending on which side of the nightmares I caught you.
It's interesting to note that Alice thinks that you have value on the open market. What does she think you're worth? I'd be very happy to come and bid on you, if only to release you from your obligation to date a random stranger. I'm serious.
I'm afraid I'm not from Bakewell but from London. North London to be precise, Islington to be even more so. I'm lucky enough to still be able to keep a place there so I have somewhere to go when I escape the clutches of Emmett and his American education. He's talking about taking me to Las Vegas now. Although I'm intrigued to see it it's certainly not at the very top of my list of things to do while I'm on US soil.
Do you really want to know what I do for a job? It's very dull. I'm in banking. There's a lot of shifting people's money about for them, meeting with other boring financial types and, for now at least, picking out of non-offensive plants to make our office seem less sparse.
Are you very disappointed?
Regarding your offer of a visit with your Dad, I'm going to pass for now. Though I'm sure he's great and Forks is lovely (I see it has a fine timber museum, that's now on my list of must-sees) I can't deny that I'm fearful of spending time with a man with a gun and the power to lock me up. I'm also terrible at fishing - it requires a level of patience I just don't have.
You say you met Alice and Rose in college, where did you go and what did you study? Did you enjoy it? How did you end up in radio? Was it a long held dream?
Ex
To: EMasenCullen
From: Bella Swan
Subject: Chimchimney
It's kind of you to offer to be my knight in shining armor but Alice got a very big no so I won't be doing an impression of a Ming vase any time soon. Anyway, supposing you were up against a rich lustful man? You could be left in real financial trouble. In fact if you're so free and easy with your money I wouldn't recommend Vegas and perhaps you should rethink your career too.
I'm not disappointed to hear you're a banker because I can now imagine you as Mr. Banks in Mary Poppins with a hat and umbrella. It was one of my favorite films when I was a kid.
You don't seem very impressed with your chosen career, don't you enjoy it? It sounds pretty important, apart from the picking out plants bit. I'd offer you some advice but most plants shrivel and die as soon as I look at them.
In answer to your questions, I went to Washington State and majored in English with a special focus on British literature and women writers. I loved every minute of it and meeting Rose and Alice was a large part of it. I never intended to be a radio host but was talked into helping the girls out with a WSU radio show - Rose majored in Journalism and Media and Alice, well Alice is just a professional loud mouth. It kind of blew up from there. I wanted to be a writer but it never really got off the ground. So there you go, from Forks to KSXB: The Life and Times of Bella Swan.
Shut up about our timber museum.
Bx
PS: would you really bid on me? I'm flattered.
A/N: Aw, of course he'd bid on her. Another thank you to those who have reviewed! EQx