Chapter 9
Angela was sitting at the dinner table in the living room in deep thought. She was holding an envelope in her hand. She wasn't sure whether she should bring up the subject once again and maybe it would have been wiser if she hadn't spent the money on this, but what if he changed his mind? She was so much buried in her musings that she didn't hear Tony approaching her on tiptoes from behind. He blindfolded her with his hands and asked with an assumed deep voice, imitating a strong Midwestern accent.
"Hey Lady, hope you're thinking of your favorite guy!" With this he put his hands away, laughed and boisterously kissed her neck.
"Oh hi, Tony. You're home early", Angela said and tried to hide the envelope away under a place mat but it was too late, he had already seen it.
"What are you having there? A love letter from a secret admirer?" He had had a great day and was in a joking mood.
"Uhm, no", Angela answered hesitatingly, "it's something I wanted to give you ... well, ... just in case ..." She still wasn't sure what he would say about it, but now that he had seen it, there was no use in trying to hide it.
Tony had no idea about the evenlope's contents and was eager to find out what Angela was so nervous about. He took the envelope, opened it while looking at her, and pulled out an airline ticket; a return ticket from Des Moines to Newark International Airport, departuring on June 25th and returning the following day ... business class of course.
"A ticket for me? To New York? On the weekend of the ceremony? I thought we agreed upon making up for this particular weekend some other time?"
"Agreed upon? You decided and I didn't have a saying in this!" Angela paused for a moment, then she explained her idea, hoping that he would find it as convincing as she did. "The flight leaves Saturday late in the afternoon and returns the following morning. I thought you could fly in, join me at the ceremony, and fly back in the early morning. You would be away from your team for roughly 24 hours only." The ticket had been quite expensive because of the tight schedule but Angela didn't care, she desperately wanted to share the evening with Tony.
"You could have saved that money, Angela. I won't be coming. That's my last word and I don't see any use in talking about it over and over again."
"You can't leave your boys alone for one night? When I was ill, they managed to get along without you for almost two weeks. How come they need you around now on a 24/7 basis? Do you have to monitor a curfew or whether all of them brush their teeth?"
"No, I don't!" He was getting angry, so he answered her in a sharp voice, "I'm the head coach and we're playing against one of the best teams in college baseball in this country. The game will take place Saturday afternoon and I can't possibly leave for a family weekend in New York. I'm sorry!"
"You prefer being there to being with me! These Hawkeyes are more important to you than I am", Angela commented on his excuses, knowing very well that she almost behaved like an offended little girl but he was hurting her with his rational explanations. This was a matter very close to her heart and he used his job as a pretext to hide behind.
"Don't do this to me, Angela!" Tony warned her.
"Do what?"
"Twist my words. I never said the Hawkeyes are more important than you are. It's my professional obligation to be there. I thought that of all people in the world you'd be the first to understand. How many family events have you canceled because of your work? It must have been a hundred times more than I have!"
"I've never canceled an important family event just for a fun meeting", Angela replied. She was furious now. How could he compare a meeting with an important client or an advertising conference to a friendly game during the off-season?
"You're not telling me that your job is more important than mine, do you?" Tony asked with fiery eyes.
"Now you're twisting my words!" Angela accused him.
"No, I'm not! You want me to neglect my responsabilites only to have someone to escort you to your ceremony." He had taken himself into a rage by now. "I'm not your housekeeper anymore you could hire now and then as a handsome escort to a fancy banquet you didn't want to show up at alone."
He already regretted the words the moment they had left his mouth; they were mean, and moreover, they had never been true. Angela had never used him for selfish reasons, only once almost, when she had asked him to escort one of her female clients to a fancy dinner, but she had tried to right it wrong the very same evening, chancing a multi-million dollar account just to preserve his dignity. But it was too late. The words were out and he could see the effect they were having on Angela.
"If you see it this way ...", she concluded disencouraged, "there really is no use in talking about it any more."
She shook her head and sighed. Didn't he know that she didn't want him to be there as an escort but as the man who had contributed his share to the success of the Bower Agency? She had been to banquets and balls alone before, she was independent and strong enough in her business world to survive a formal invitation without having a man at her side. Angela wanted Tony to be with her because she would've never been bestowed this award if it hadn't been for him; the Bower Agency wouldn't even exist without him.
"So, I guess we can bury this matter now once and for all", Tony stated.
"I guess so", Angela agreed dryly.
"I'm going for a run." Tony suddenly felt the need for physical exercise, for sweating the tension out of his body and diverting his unpleasant thoughts. "I'm going to change in the gym. I'd be away for a few hours." With this he grabbed his sports bag and left the apartment without even saying goodbye.
Angela was left behind, let out a short, bitter laugh, and quietly said to herself sarcastically, "Well, I'd call that a mature conversation among adults."
On his way down the stairs, taking two steps at a time, Tony almost ran into Timothy.
"Oh, hi Coach! I'm dropping by to show Angela ..." the boy started but Tony didn't wait until he was finished. "She's upstairs. All yours!" he grunted hostilely.
Timothy looked after him perplexed but was glad he would meet Angela alone. He was holding the final version of his Jane Austen paper in his hand and had actually thought that the Coach would be happy about it, for it meant he could return to the team just in time for the friendly game against the Iowa Hawkeyes which was just lying ahead. After having procrastinated for weeks, Timothy decided it was about time to turn in the paper to prevent others from becoming suspicious. Had he looked into his Coach's eyes more attentively lately, he would have realized that he had already become suspisious enough about his star player's behavior.
Timothy knew that with turning in the paper he would have to come up with another plausible reason for seeing Angela on a regular basis. So he planned on asking her for a summer job in her agency. If she hired him as an intern, they could work together on a real account. Maybe they could meet in New York, far away from Branford and the Coach. He increasingly liked the idea every time he thought about it and he was determined to ask her today.
He knocked at the door. Angela opened and ushered him inside.
"I didn't know you we're coming, Timothy. Do we have an appointment?" she asked insecurely.
"Oh no! I've just finished the paper and wanted you to have a final look at it before I'll turn it in tomorrow. I want it to be perfect to be called back into the team as quickly as possible", he lied. "But if it's not convenient right now ..."
Angela shook her head. "It's alright, uhm, have a seat, I get my glasses."
While Angela was reading the paper, Timothy looked at her. She focussed on the contents and didn't notice the way Timothy was studying her; the way she had her feet tucked in under her legs, the way her glasses sat on the tip of her nose, the way some tendrils were cascading out of her pony tail onto her shoulders, the way she silently read the text to herself and smiled at sentences she liked. When she finally looked up at him, his mouth was so dry he could hardly swallow.
"Do you like it?" he asked.
"Like it? I love it!" she exclaimed. 'And I love you', he quietly said to himself. "This will not only bring you back on the team but strengthen your grade in literature as well. And I hope that working on this changed your opinion about Jane Austen after all, Timothy. If you like, I can lend you some of my favorite books of her. I read them over and over again as a teenager." She was so enthusiastic it was almost contagious.
"Sure", Timothy said, then he started to turn to his main topic, "I'm having a problem, Angela, maybe you can help me with it".
"What is it?"
He didn't want to ask her directly for a job but to gently push her into proposing one to him. He had pondered about the best strategy to accomplish this goal for the entire weekend and had come up with an idea Sunday afternoon while he had been strolling through Branford's little business district. So he began to lay out the bait.
"Uhmm, I need to make some money for a new car and I thought, ... maybe, ... if it were possible, ...".
"Yeeees?" Angela had no idea what he was up to.
"I thought I'd apply for a summer job at Miller's Advertising here in Branford. Would you care to proofread my cover letter?" he asked puppy-eyed.
"Miller's Advertsing? Are you crazy?" Angela exclaimed indignantly, "this little rat-shop downtown Branford?"
Now it was time to put part two of his plan into action. "Well, it's the only advertising agency in the area, and now that I learned so much from you about marketing and advertising, I thought that an internship might be good for my resumé." That sounded reasonable, didn't it?
"It sure would, but not an internship at Miller's Advertising. What do you think you'll learn there? How to develop a flyer for the local grocery store or how to draft an ad for the health club to put in the Branford Gazette?" Angela had dropped by the little agency during her first week in Branford out of curiosity and had been shocked about how much this working environment differed from what she was used to. It was like an amateur theater compared to Broadway. They might provide helpful services to their local low-scale clientele but couldn't even remotely match up to the creative and highly sophisticated work her agency delivered day in day out. "No, Timothy, if you really want to strengthen your resumé, you have to go to New York!"
"Do you really think so?" This had to suffice as a hint; 'don't play too dumb, Timothy', he warned himself.
"Sure! I know a lot of ad agencies in New York, although ...", she grinned broadly.
"Although what?"
"Mine's the best!" She grinned even broadlier. "So why don't you work for me?"
Strike!
"Oh, sounds good, great actually. I would love to, if you think I can do it."
"Of course you can do it! Don't hide your light under a bushel, Timothy. There are a lot of different jobs within an advertising agency; copywriter, illustrator, account executive, PR manager, just to mention a few. I have a big agency, you can try them all and find out what suits you best." The Bower Agency had an excellent reputation, and so there were a lot of marketing students and recent graduates who begged for internships. Usually, her recruiter would do the selection process without involving Angela, but if she sponsored someone nobody would even dare to say no.
"I read an article about your agency in Adweek Magazine last week. You're scheduled for an Award of the Advertising Association of America. That's impressive, Angela. I'd be honoured to work for you", he admitted. And it was the truth, he was deeply impressed. "What was that for again?"
"Uhm, a campaign we conducted for the Philology Association to promote reading among young Americans. Well, I got you to read Jane Austen even without my campaign", she joked.
"Yes, you did!" he smiled back, "when is the ceremony going to take place?"
Without knowing, Timothy had hit Angela's most vulnerable spot, and it instantly changed her mood. Her facial features turned to stone, she pursed her lips and her body stiffend. She inhaled deeply and answered in a low voice. "The upcoming weekend."
"Are you excited about it?" In his urge to keep up the conversation he didn't realize he was hurting Angela with his question.
"Yes."
The taciturnity of her answers should have told Timothy to change the subject but he wanted to learn more about business Angela for he was so fascinated about this woman's professional success. Most women her age he knew were mothers and housewives, caring for their families and doing no more than charity work at their communities, but none of them was a big shot in the grand-scale business world, negotiating multi-million dollar contracts and employing dozens of people. So he went on drilling her with questions.
"This will be an important day for your agency and for you, I suppose."
"Uh-huh."
Angela became evermore reticent about the ceremony. She was struggling not to burst out into tears in front of Timothy, who, on the one hand, was not very experienced in reading a woman's feelings from her face, and, on the other hand, couldn't think of a reason for her to be so downhearted about the event.
"What's the matter, Angela? You don't seem to be very happy about it", Timothy asked with a compassionate voice.
"He won't be there", Angela said bitterly, "Tony's not gonna come to New York with me."
Her voice broke and a single tear was now running down her cheek. The brief diversion the chat with Timothy had provided, hadn't healed any of the pain she was suffering from because of Tony's refusal to escort her.
"You can't be serious! Why wouldn't he be joining you?"
"The ceremony is on the weekend of the friendly game against the Iowa Hawkeyes and he says he has to go to Des Moines with you guys instead", Angela explained.
Timothy looked at her and was startled about the sadness and pain her entire demeanor revealed. She looked as vulnerable and hurt as during the night at the parking lot, when he had first made her personal acquaintance. He felt the urge to soothe her pain, to make her feel better, and wasn't aware that despite his selfless ulterior motives he was taking advantage of her unstable emotional condition.
He touched her upper arms, stepped closer, leaned in, and, after hesitating shortly, which was a sign of his insecurity, kissed her on the lips ... cautiously and low-keyed. Only as she didn't pull back, he got a bit more daring and intensified his kiss. He closed his eyes and drank in every sensation; the warmth of her lips, the smoothness of her kiss, the saltiness of her tears, and the intoxicating sweetness of her scent. Was she really responding to his kiss? He believed himself to be beamed into the Garden of Eden, into paradise, on cloud nine; wherever the most exhilarating spot on this planet might be. They kissed! His dreams had come true.
Her not putting a stop to him made him bolder and more confident. He didn't realize he had caught her in a moment of weakness because of her ongoing fight with Tony about the ceremony, that her defense mechanisms were out of service because of her fiancé's rejection, that she would've never allowed him to kiss her had she been emotionally stable. The somewhat inexperienced young man, inexperienced when it came to deep, true love, for he had only been in purely physical relationships until now, completely misinterpreted Angela's signals. He took them for consent, but they were rather an expression of helplessness. So he moved along, his body being controlled by his libido now, for he had never been aroused like this by the touch of a woman; not physically but deeply within his heart. He didn't feel the arousal in his groin but in his stomach; millions of butterflies seemed to dance in his tummy and it made him excited and agitated and impassioned and ... wanting for more.
He stepped closer, pressed his body to hers until they hit the wall behind Angela, another few inches closer until he could hardly breathe anymore, then he surrendered to his yearning to touch her more intimately, something he had been longing for but had always forbidden himself to do for so long; but not today, not right now! He slipped his hand under the hem of her thin knitted cardigan and let it slide across her firm and flat stomach. He felt her body stiffen and again misinterpreted this as a sign of enjoyment, so he moved his hand higher until he reached her breast. It was unbelievably soft although the lace bra prevented him from touching her bare skin. He had never held anything more delightful in his hand. He cupped it gently and when Angela sharply sucked in her breath, he knew exactly what he wanted to do next.
"I love you, Angela', he whispered breathlessly into her ear, "and I want to make love to you!"
He was still so intoxicated by the sweetest sentiments he'd ever experienced in his life, by this overwhelming warmth which was pulsating through his entire body, that his brain didn't notice right away what his body and ears were exposed to right after what he had just said. Angela hadn't fought his kiss, she had hesitated a moment when he had touched her breast, but she reacted within a second after his daring confession.
"What?" she screamed and pushed him away brusquely, "what did you say?"
Timothy's eyes were still closed and the deliciousness of their kiss was still lingering on his lips, so her outcry had sounded as if uttered through a huge cotton ball; his ears had heard it but his brain hadn't processed the information yet. He was still in a sublime mood and hadn't taken her words for what they were; a pledge to stop.
"You're the most gorgeous woman I've ever met. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you." He felt secure enough to open his heart to her completely now. "I want to sleep with you, Angela, like I've never wanted to sleep with a woman before."
"You can't be serious!" Angela grabbed his shoulders, shaking him out of his trance-like state. "Timothy, look at me! Listen to what you've just said! That's crazy! You can't love me, I'm so much older than you are!"
Her shaking and hysterical voice pulled him out of the depths of his sweet retreat. He opened his eyes and looked into Angela's puzzled face. She stared at him incredulously, wanting him to tell her that this was no less than a terrible misunderstanding; but he wasn't willing to give up that easily. She wanted an explanation? She would get an explanation!
"I don't care that you're older than me. I was never interested in the girls my age. They don't stir my blood the way you do. You're great, you're beautiful, you're enchanting ... you're so damn attractive!" With his last words he once again approached her but Angela put her hands up in an act of self-defense to preserve some distance between herself and Timothy.
"Stop it, Timothy! Please!" She put her hands in front of her face, "this can't be happening! I don't believe this is really happening."
Finally, Timothy began to realize this wouldn't be going the way he wanted it to. He wouldn't make love to Angela, this much information his brain had transferred to his libido already. A huge wave of disappointment and sadness overwhelmed him. He wasn't stupid or anything. He knew what a rebuff was like, he had turned down many girls himself.
"Well, I guess my feelings for you aren't reciprocated the way I hoped them to be", he described the obvious in a helpless wish she would tell him he was wrong; but she didn't.
"Timothy ... you're a bright, good-looking and very gentle young man. You'll find someone who loves you the way you deserve."
"But I don't want someone. I want you!" Timothy replied sulkily like a toddler who didn't want to be send to bed. "Why can't you love me?" he almost begged her.
Angela swallowed hard. There was no other way but to tell him the truth, even if she had to break his heart with it. "Because ... I'm in love with another man", she reasoned.
"A man who treats you like shit!" Timothy spit out in disgust, "who makes you live in this wasteland here although you're miserable. Who keeps you away from your agency although you belong there. Who doesn't escort you to this award ceremony although you're wishing for nothing else to happen! Is this the guy who you are in love with?"
"Oh, Timothy. You don't know anything about Tony's and my relationship."
"Is that so? Then ... explain it to me because I don't understand why you're holding on to someone who doesn't completely commit himself to you."
Angela realized there was no way out of this without revealing at least some aspects of their unorthodox and unique relationship. Timothy had to understand that her heart belonged to Tony despite they were sailing in rough waters at the moment as a couple.
"Tony and I have been through more than one little crisis, we will survive this one as well", she started.
"With you giving in all the time and making his life easy?" What did the Coach do to her to make her so yielding?
"No", Angela conceded, "definitely not! It's been the other way around for many years actually." Angela looked into a questioning face for Timothy didn't understand what she was talking about. How could he? An Italian macho like his Coach, working as a housekeeper, would never come to his mind. "All the years we lived together in Fairfield, Tony cared for the household and looked after the kids so that I could only focus on my work."
"You have kids?" Timothy asked bewildered.
"Not together, from our previous marriages. Tony has a daughter and I have a son. Without him at my side to support me I would never be where I am right now professionally. A huge part of the success of the Bower Agency is owed to him. So it was about time I paid him back some of the sacrifices he had made for me. That's why I'm here." She took a deep breath. "Understand?"
Timothy didn't understand completely because Angela had only given him a limited insight of her relationship to Tony. It was too complex, too weird even, to explain to an outsider, but it was also too intimate. Their very own journey from a business relation to friendship and finally love was nothing she cared to share with others. She knew that Tony wasn't embarrassed about his past as a housekeeper, although it hadn't always been easy to stand the people's looks when he had told them about his job, but she didn't see a reason why all of Branford should know everything about his previous employment.
"Sort of", Timothy murmured, "I guess I just have to accept your rebuff. ... I think I should be leaving now." He was downhearted and wanted to sort out his feelings in privacy.
"Yes", Angela agreed, "I think you should."
"I'm sorry if I overstepped a border."
"There's no need to be sorry for showing your feelings, Timothy. Keep that in mind. There will always be the chance that your feelings aren't reciprocated if you tell someone you love him, but that should never let you keep your feelings for yourself. Believe someone who's made that mistake for many years."
With this, she ushered him outside and shut the door behind him. She leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. What had she done? She couldn't believe it. She hadn't pushed him away instantly when he had started to kiss her. Why? She had let him touch her. How could that have happened? Only his uttered wish to make love to her had pulled her out of her inertia. A huge wave of guilt washed over her. She felt as if she had betrayed Tony, which she hadn't if one looked at it objectively. It had only been a single kiss, not even a French kiss, and she hadn't been aroused; but what had gotten into her to let it flow? To let him touch her so intimately? Why hadn't she listened to what her mother had told her in the first place? Did she want it to happen subconsciously? Was she flattered by being courted by a younger man? Did she want to score off Tony because she felt so neglected by him? Did she want him to be jealous?
The thoughts were running amok in Angela's brain and she felt incapable of dealing with them right now. If only her mother was here, she badly needed a confidante right now! She had to get out of this place, she needed time to think, a person to talk to ... a person other than Tony! She couldn't possibly face him tonight as if nothing had happened; but she also couldn't possibly tell him about what had happened until she herself didn't fully understand why it had happened. As if she was remotely operated she went into the bedroom and started to throw pieces of clothes into a suitcase randomly and grabbed a few vanity items to put them in a wash bag. Then she returned to the living room and wrote a note for Tony.
took an earlier flight to New York,
see you Monday after the award ceremony,
xo Angela
It was neither very particularized information, nor a very compassionate complimentary close, but she just wasn't able to put it any other way. She was confused like never before in her life. She called a cab to the airport, took her coat from the rack, grabbed her suitcase and opened the door. Before she left, she hesitated a moment and had a look around the apartment, then she closed the door behind her.
On the dinner table, there still was the envelope with the airline ticket Angela had bought for Tony, the envelope which had been the reason for their fight and the trigger of the following events.
It was lying there like an accusing reminder of the perilous situation Tony and Angela had both maneuvered their relationship into ... and nobody could tell to which side the balance would tip.