S. Rune, you are amazing. Thank you for your reviews! I hope this chapter answers your questions! :)
Because their place within the castle had run out of space, Sven had been allowed a room away from all the others. It was even in a different wing, which is lucky for Sven, he supposes. He looks at the full moon, high up in the sky, as he sits at his desk in front of his window. Though exhaustion pulls at Sven's eyelids and makes them heavy, he refuses and even fights to stay awake. For the fifth night in a row since his and Levi's reunion, Sven had not gotten any sleep, no matter how hard he tried.
He sighs quietly and looks down at the closed book in front of him. He had lied to Levi, blaming his need for space away from Levi on pure jealousy, knowing full well that Levi had never fully grasped an understanding of what made Sven, Sven. If he had, Levi would have known that Sven is happy and pleased to see Levi moving on. He would have known that Sven would normally have been supportive, helpful even, and would have gone out of his way to help Levi get together with Eren. Levi would have known that Sven's rage wasn't real, that it was all a front. Levi should have Sven straight through Sven's lie, but he didn't and Sven's too exhausted to care.
He looks back at the moon, once more wishing that Levi keeps his promise to stay away from Sven, he needs to forget Levi, and he needs to do it fast. Which isn't going to happen anytime soon, Sven thinks with remorse. The night terrors had been getting worse since they first had started again five days ago, indicating to Sven that he wouldn't be forgetting Levi anytime soon. They kept him awake at night and made him more exhausted then he had been when he tried to sleep. They had nearly killed him once, a long time ago, when Sven first arrived to the factory, and he knows that they will not only succeed this time, but take someone else with him when they do.
He thinks about the first one he had ever had. It was his first night away from home and he was 12 years old at the time. In it he had dreamt that Levi was being tortured and Sven was unable to save him no matter how much Levi pleaded with him to. Sven's heart broke as he thrashed around in his sleep, waking himself up within a few moments. They had only gotten worse from there.
The terrors had kept Sven up and made him more exhausted than he was during the day, slowly killing him as time dragged on. After five months, Sven broke and was committed to a mental hospital. He had lost it so completely that they had to keep him restrained. A week later Tobi's death reached Sven and his mind healed enough to allow him to be freed and return to his apprenticeship. It wasn't enough, however, to stop the terrors, and after six months of living away from home, Sven almost died.
He was in the middle of work when he passed out from exhaustion and almost fell into the blast furnace he was working next to. His teacher, Alex Schmitt, had caught Sven in time to save him, but not enough to keep him from being scorched by the heat and flames. Sven's entire chest had been scarred by the fire.
When Sven came to after the burning sensation by the burns was gone, he was so tired that he had contracted amnesia and couldn't even remember his own name. It was the first time he forgot Levi. It was the first time Sven got sweet, peaceful, uninterrupted sleep. He stayed asleep for a whole week, slowly regaining his memory through dreams and flashes of images within his mind. But he never remembered Levi or why Tobi joined the Survey Corps. He never remembered what the terrors had been about. His mind elected to ignore that which had broken Sven; Tobi's reason for joining the military and the love of Sven's life, Levi.
He gently touches his chest through his shirt, chills running softly down his spine, as he remembers how much it had first burned. With a painful and violent shudder that contorts his whole body completely, he remembers his first night terror. He still can't remember what Tobi has to do with it. It doesn't matter, he growls softly at himself, hating himself for lying to Levi and for joining the Survey Corps; it was just a stupid decision. But why did he ever make it? Why did he feel like Tobi has something to do with it?
He shakes his head, all I need to do is forget Levi and then I can be free again. No one will die because of me if I can just forget all about him. He scolds himself gently as he gets up and goes to lie down on his bed, once more trying to sleep. Levi has Eren, if they get together then Levi will too busy with him to try and interact with me, then I can forget him once more. He knows that he still won't ever forget him, no matter what he tells himself, he cares too much to let Levi go so easily. He sighs softly and closes his eyes, all the while wishing, with futile hope, for his night terror to stay away.
He screams and thrashes before waking up with a sob. His night terrors always consist of someone, mostly Levi and Sven's mother, that Sven loves dearly being tortured by some unknown stranger. Sven is always powerless to stop them, forced instead to watch as they are broken and begin to plead for Sven to kill them. The strange always tells Sven, in a wicked voice, that the only way to end their suffering is to kill them his self.
A flash of a memory passes through Sven as he sits up quickly, panting and covered in sweat. In his mind, Sven sees a sadistic gleam in Tobi's eyes as he whispers something to him. Tobi defiantly has something to do with it; Sven just wishes he could remember what it was exactly. Maybe it was because of some fear Levi accidently put it into Sven? It certainly couldn't be because of that one time, could it?
He frowns as he remembers the night. It had been the last time Levi walked home with Sven, the first time Sven had realized that Tobi was sadistic, and the first time Sven had realized that he loves Levi as more than just a friend. Sadness wells up inside him as he remembers how badly Tobi had beaten up the starved underground kid Sven had befriended. At the time of the incident, Sven was 8, Levi 14, while Tobi had been 16 and full of contempt for the two young kids. Levi had stepped in front of Sven, shielding him from Tobi's sadistic nature, and taken the blows originally meant for Sven. It wasn't until Sven had seen the look in Levi's eyes that he realized Levi wasn't too weak to fight back; he had chosen not to fight back in hopes of Tobi leaving Sven alone. Levi had realized something Sven hadn't at first; fighting back would make it worse for both of them. Levi had protected Sven, someone he barely knew, and in that moment Sven's heart broke for Levi and swelled with love and admiration for the older kid at the same time. Sven nursed Levi back to health and fell deeper in love with him in the following days after the incident.
He thinks that maybe that day had made Sven irrationally afraid of Tobi. He looks over at his desk as he considers the idea. It doesn't seem right considering the fact that Sven's terrors never solely stayed focused on Levi. He sometimes dreamed about his mother and even occasionally Tara, the sweat natured girl he had befriended after his first shitty year in the factory. She had brightened his days and made his time there happy and pleasant. She even followed him into the Survey Corps.
He lets out a soft sigh and grabs an extra shirt from his closet, using it to wipe off the sweat before discarding it into the pile of other dirty clothes. he starts to walk past the door when he hears a soft knock. He looks at the door in surprise for a moment before walking over and opening it up. Tara gives him a shy look, her blond bangs shadowing her face as she stares up at him through her eyelashes.
"Sorry," she whispers sheepishly, "I can't sleep."
Sven gives her a soft smile and opens the door wider to let her in, "neither can I."
She sits down at his desk and watches him as he shuts his door gently and walks over to his bed. He remakes the sheets as she silently watches him, and he enjoys the distraction her presence provides him. He gingerly sits down on his bed when he is finished and looks up at her.
"What's wrong?" She inquires softly, concern etching onto her face, "you've looked exhausted for the past five days and no one can seem to figure out why."
He gives her a noncommittal shrug, "I just can't sleep; that's it, really." He hates lying to her but he's not about to tell her the truth; that he sees her, his mom, and his love, Levi, being tortured in his sleep. That will surely get him kicked out of the Scout Regiment and he can't have that happen. He has to stay in, though he can't say why.
She frowns at him, always having known him right off the bat without knowing anything of his background. "why won't you tell me the truth?"
He looks at her with sad eyes, just because you love me and just because we get along really well doesn't mean you are going to find out about my past, "because all you need to know is that I can't sleep."
She huffs out an irritated sigh and his eyes soften, she really cares about me. "I just wish you would talk to me more," she huffs out.
He gives her a small, amused smile, and a shake of his head, "then why don't we talk about how much you love me," he teases her lightly.
She blushes, burning bright red, and looks away from him, her clear blue eyes filling with embarrassment, "what makes you think I'm in love with you?"
Her squeaky voice makes him chuckle lightly, putting him in a good mood despite his fatigue, "why would anyone visit me at this time of night?" He says, pretending to be appalled and baffled, laying the tease on thick.
She smiles and looks at him, "yeah," she plays along, "why visit you at anytime anyways? You're always such a downer, too serious for my taste," she screws up her face with mock disgust and he laughs out loud at that.
"Yeah, right, I can never seem to get my head out of my work." He laughs along with her as they enjoy their little inside joke; James had said Sven was too serious once when he had made a sarcastic comment that went right over his head. Tara and Sven laughed about it often, usually in front of James for added humor. He calms down and looks at her with a bright smile, "but seriously though," he says, making her still out of fear, "James is an idiot."
She rolls her eyes, hating the fact that Sven knew her well enough to know that she is in love with him and is playful enough to tease her about it constantly. She especially hated that Sven knew this and never made any advances towards her; why didn't he like her back the way that she likes him? She couldn't figure it out.
Sven takes her hand in his, sympathy shinning in his eyes as he looks into hers, "I know your frustrated, Tara, but I will probably only ever see you as a friend. It sucks, I know that it does because I have been through it before," he thinks of the day that he realized Levi probably would never see him as anything more than a friend, "but one day you will find the one that is right for you."
She snorts, "you're the only one for me, Sven. Besides, I'm in the Survey Corps now; it's too late for me to find anyone new."
He shakes his head, "you don't know everyone here," he argues softly.
She glares at him, snatching her hand away, "I don't need to," she snaps, "I only want to know you, Sven." Her whole demeanor shifts from irritated to pleading as she continues on, "why can't you just take a chance on me? We may never find," she pauses as realization dawns on her, "who?" She whispers quietly, "who is the one you have found?"
He gives her a sad smile and shakes his head, "I have loved and been loved by many over the course of my lifetime and each time I have become more and more sure of my love for one in particular. I know what true love feels like only because I have gone through other loves many times before. I once thought I loved Vivian," he looks her in the eyes as he speaks of his ex, "but then I realized that I loved another more and so I dumped her. That has how all my relationships have been. I just got lucky enough to realize that I love them more than you before I strayed into a relationship with you." She looks hurt as she lowers her gaze to his hand, "hey," he says softly, tugging her hand to encourage her to look him in the eyes, "think about it, Tara," she looks at him, making eye contact, "would you rather we broke up a long time ago and are now no longer friends?" She shakes her head, "then be happy with just our friendship and learn to love another."
She lets out a soft sigh and stands up, her hand falling out of his. "Okay," she whispers quietly, moving to sit beside him, "I guess you're right." She leans against him, "I just really wish you could have been the one," he looks down at her with sad eyes, "it would have made life easier."
He chuckles sadly, "life is never easy, Tara."
"I know," she mutters tiredly, looking straight ahead now.
He wraps his arms around her, pulling her into a soft embrace. They lay back on his bed and she falls asleep in his arms a few moments later, leaving him to stay awake on his own. He doesn't mind, her presence alone is enough to distract him. She reminds him of happy days at the factory which he thinks of now, reminiscing to pass the time away.
:( Poor Sven.