The first year after I left, I had a lot of long sleepless nights that I spent thinking about the people I had left behind. I filled hours reliving moments and imagining what I could have done differently. Some of these nights were spent on Stefan. Stefan, whom I had loved more than I had ever loved anyone before. Stefan, whom I had thought to be my soulmate – I used to secretly think that, because I knew the notion of soulmate was a bit laughable. Stefan, who when conjured to mind now, just inspires nostalgia.
I laid in the dark for hours on end, chocking on regrets and indecision, asking myself if I did my best, and if not, what else I could have done. I wondered how I could have saved my parents and Aunt Jenna, protected Jeremy better, avoided so many mistakes, and if I did the right thing by leaving. There were so many things that I knew I could have done differently and so much pain I maybe could have avoided. But there is one thing I could never picture myself avoiding. I could never imagine an other path for Stefan and me.
.
...
.
Having to explain herself to Stefan procures her the strangest of sensations. She guesses that if her Mom was still alive and suddenly had something to say about the way her life had turned out, it would probably feel the same. She understands where he is coming from, that he worries and cares about her, but part of her just wants to roll her eyes and tell him that he doesn't understand. Yeah, the strangest of sensations, feeling older than an almost two centuries old vampire.
She does not care much to answer his questions, partly because she cannot really answer them truthfully and she does not want to lie to him, but mostly because she does not see the point.
She hopes she managed to keep these emotions out of her face when he suddenly stops his myriad of questions. They stare at each other in the silence that follows his softly accusing « why didn't you tell us? », and his eyes roam her face as if to read it, until his expression softens and a resigned smile creeps upon his lips. And just like that, they are just Stefan and Elena, and she is reminded that he is two centuries-old and that they have, in fact, shared a very deep connection in the past.
She smiles back.
« I am glad to see you are back to your normal self, » she starts in a soft voice.
Her old self would have reached out, put a hand on his leg to carry how relieved she is to see that sane Stefan is behind the wheels, but the Elena she is now has trouble engaging in personal contact, and she keeps her hands around her legs as they both sit on the steps that line around the living room, only a few meters away from where, not 10 minutes ago, Klaus had threatened to cut their lives short.
As he resigns himself to the idea that he will not get answers, Stefan shrugs nonchalantly, and goes to massage his throat with a grimace as he answers:
« Well… It wasn't easy, » he explains slowly, his voice still a little hoarse, « and it took me almost a year and a half, but… Damon helped. »
She catches the glance that he throws her way when saying his brother's name, but she does not give him anything.
« Caroline too, » he goes on, « she has been a great help. » His smiles broadens a little. « She is going to be so happy to see you. »
The look in her eyes is regretful when she says:
« I don't think you should tell her… »
.
He is starting to pick up on small things about her. Like how she carries herself now, that is different from before. He remembers how she was so open, how he could read her so easily, and how that used to put him at ease. He also remembers how she would get this determined expression on her face when it was a matter of life and death for one of them, and how he had always known that in these moments that he could never do anything but to respect her choices.
She looks a little bit like this now. Determined, but in a softer manner, less easy to read. Her voice is iron like, like a filter he cannot get past. She is not really saying that he should not tell Caroline as much as she is saying not to do it.
He can feel the joy that has filled him since hearing about her coming back subsiding a little bit.
« You are not staying, are you? »
« No, » she says, « I am not. » She leans her head a bit, eyes on her interlaced fingers, and a curtain of dark hair suddenly hides half of her face away. « I'll stay the time to make sure Damon is fine, but then I'm gone. »
« I don't think Klaus will just let you, » he argues.
« I've done it before, » she shrugs and finally looks back to him, « I'll do it again. »
Oh yes, he sees so many differences in her. One of them is that her words do not come out as wishful thinking, or as a naive bravado, as they would have three years ago, but as a confident promise. Another is that he just believes in that moment that she is capable to do it.
He is still trying to wrap his mind around this notion, brows frowning, when she makes to get up. He watches her cross the room to the puddle of clothes in the center that turns out to be her jacket, and only when she bends to pick it up do words come back to him.
« You are not spending the night? » he asks in a voice that he wishes would not sound so… lost. Things are just going too fast for him.
« No. The house is not vampire proof. If Klaus changes his mind and decides to come get me earlier, there's nothing to stop him.»
She looks at him just in time to see him give a short nod and a defeated, self-depreciating half-smile.
She feels a little pang in her heart at seeing him like this, like the battle is already lost and he entertains no illusion about his own usefulness, but she knows better than to try and make it better. Nothing will ever make this better. Her life, his life, have been altered by Klaus, and that was how it was. They had tried to fight, they really had.
« I'm sorry,» she whispers, because it is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
His smile turns sad, but he acknowledges her words with a gracious nod.
« I should spend the night in a place where Klaus has not been invited in. I'll come back tomorrow, » she goes on.
Again, the same quick nod. As if there was nothing left to say.
But as she turns to leave, his voice rises again:
« Tonight you were… What you did, that was very brave.»
She turns around to see him standing in the living room, hands deep in his pockets, calm, dark, handsome and intact, as if the events of tonight had already washed off.
« You are different. You grew up. You are… stronger,» he finishes, his eyes on her face, like he wants to remember her like this.
She quickly nods a quiet thank you before heading for the door.
.
.
3 in the morning finds her in a small dinner along the road 43. Sitting by the window, she is quietly trying to fight off exhaustion and cold with caffeine.
After leaving the boarding house, she had driven directly to her hotel, a little over 20 minutes away, where she had checked in and spent the next hour or so on the phone with Elijah. He had not been too happy at first about the turn of events, but had agreed with her that they would just have to make do. What else was there to do anyway?
The stupid music they have on in the dinner is slowly putting her to sleep, and for the millionth times, she glances at her watch. The sound of the door opening has her looking back up again just in time to watch a 2000 years old vampire appear. Klaus walks in as if the world was his for the taking, and she is tired enough to admit to herself that it is not all arrogance. He might be the most powerful creature walking this earth. Maybe it does give him a divine right to be such an arrogant jerk. Who knows.
He slides into the seat across the table, and comfortably settles in.
« I'm so glad you came to your senses and decided to give yourself in. I grow tired of killing everyone, » he starts in a very conversational tone.
« I am not giving myself in, » she replies defiantly.
« And I never get tired of killing everyone, » he smiles back devilishly.
They stare at each other for a few heartbeats before a middle-aged waitress appears out of nowhere, notebook in hand, an awfully red smile plastered on her face.
« What can I get you, honey? »
Elena simply shivers at the flirtatious tone and the use of « honey » directed to Klaus, whose grin turns to murderous as he turns his attention to the waitress.
« He'll just have a coffee too, » Elena tiredly, but quickly, replies before he can traumatize the woman.
The waitress goes away, leaving a stream of cheap perfume in her wake, and Klaus' eyes harshly come back to hers.
« So, what can you possibly have to say that would require a secret meeting with big bad me behind the back of your beloved Salvatore brothers? »
« I think it's time for us to talk, » she answers, calm and composed. « To make a deal. »
His stare is intense when he replies:
« You already know what I want. »
« Yes, » she agrees with a nod, « and I am ready to give it to you. »
.
The detachment in her voice ignites something in him, and his stance changes to one of a predator in a matter of a second, as he leans across the table, his stare heavy, cold and scary.
« You are ready to open your vein on my command, whenever I tell you to do it? Ready to be my doppelgänger blood bank, and to help me create my army of hybrids? » he stammers, his accent thick and his tone brutal. « Because that is the only kind of deal I am ready to make. »
« Yes, » she shots back, and her cold composure comes clashing against his hot temper. « I'll provide as much blood you deem necessary to produce your little pets. »
Now he gets suspicious. What will she want in return?
« In exchange, I want us to be allies. »
He scoffs in disdain, and starts to laugh when he realizes she is serious.
« What do you mean? » he asks, curious in spite of himself.
« I already know you will protect my life, for your own interest, so I won't negotiate for that, » she starts, and although he thought at first her detachment was an improvement over the irritably sensitivity she used to display, he can feel her disinterested tone getting on his nerves right now. He is not quite passed the little stunt she pulled at the Salvatore house.
« I want you to protect my interests. First, no more harm will ever come to my friends from your hand. And whenever they are in danger or that a situation arises, I want you in my corner. »
He scoffs again.
« And all I get is a little bit of your blood? » he argues, derision clear in his voice.
She does not miss a heartbeat before answering, and for the first time, emotions get through her coldness and reach her voice and her eyes.
« I will fight, Klaus. I swear I will do anything I can to stay alive, so you will always have access to this blood of mine so precious to you. And I will comply with everything you think is necessary for my safety, as long as you let me have a somewhat normal life.»
He gives the idea an instant consideration before shooting back angrily:
« That'd mean you could not stay here. I would not allow it. Your friends, your brother, they are liabilities. I could not trust you not to go on a suicidal mission every time one of them has a little problem. »
« I know, » she agrees steadily, and between them floats a silent recognition. Like they are on the same ground for the first time ever.
But he needs a little more time to think this over, and so he does what he does best.
« Or I could just push through your magic defenses and knock you out », he slowly threatens, reclining against his seat and absent-mindedly playing with the knife sitting beside his plate. « Don't think I didn't ask my witches about your new little tattoos. And the one that uses your aura to protect you, even with your Doppelgänger aura, you cannot maintain it for very long. Not against me. » His gaze leaves the knife to find her eyes, finally giving her back some of her detachment. Because if something always leaves him cold, it is the prospect of destroying anything standing in his way.
« I could just knock you out. Kill everyone in this dinner. Take you somewhere no one, not Stefan, not even Damon, would ever find you should they spend the next 50 years looking for you. Wait for the vervain you no doubt have in your veins to fade away, and then make you want to follow me for the rest of your life. »
.
She suddenly feels really tired. She is reminded that she only slept two hours last night before catching her train, reminded that it has been a very long and testing day, reminded that she nearly ate nothing all day and served as vampire snack. Reminded also that Klaus only understands the hard way.
She drops her head in her hands, exhales slowly, before drawing her fingers across her closed eyes and pushing them through her hair. And then looks at Klaus.
« I guess you could do that. And we will find out together if you can keep me unconscious until the vervain is out of my system, and if you can compel me faster than I can think when I wake up. » She slumps back against the seat, mirroring his position. « I meant what I said earlier. If you want to play it like this, we will play. I am tired, Klaus. You alone have brought more destruction to the people I love than anything or anyone else before. It has to stop. It will stop. I come freely to you or not at all. These are the rules I am ready to play by. There is no other choice. Not for me. »
And she has never said truer words in her life. She is so very much tired. This is as far as she can go.
They measure each other up for a few seconds, his eyes perfectly hiding his thoughts, hers completely displaying her calm resolution.
.
He is the first one to look away, turning his head towards the window to contemplate the blackness outside. She wonders what he sees outside, and what goes on into his mind.
« So, allies? » he says tentatively, like he is also contemplating how is tastes in his mouth.
She nods, even though he is not looking at her.
« Yes, allies. We help each other. »
Face still slightly turned, his eyes come back to hers with a dangerous eagerness.
« I want you to have children, » he says, in a tone that dares her to say no and burn the bridge they are trying to build.
She does not react as much as he would have liked, but her gaze gets distant and he has the feeling that this the first time since they began this strange negotiation that she has to stop and think, really think, about what it entails.
« Ok. »
He cannot hide his surprise before she sees it.
She gives a dismissive shrug.
« I knew it would come to that. »
With reluctance, he admits to himself that maybe he was wrong about her.
« But I have two conditions, » she adds.
Or maybe not. He shakes his head, scoffing.
« I want to decide myself the way and the moment this would happen, » she goes on. « And I want your word that when they come of age, you will make with my children the same deal we are making now. »
He forgets for a second to be the terrible monster that he is in front of what she is offering.
A fair proposition.