Kurt woke up hungover and remorseful, something he hadn't done very often since college. Blaine had kissed him, but Kurt hadn't done anything to stop the engaged man. He hadn't wanted to.
Blaine was getting married today.
Kurt and Blaine had kissed last night.
Blaine's fiancé thought that they had been sleeping together for a week and didn't care.
Kurt and Blaine were supposed to go for a spa treatment today.
He had about four hundred messages on his phone, from Rachel and Santana and Elizabeth and Tina and Isabelle and Blaine.
Especially Blaine.
Kurt rolled over and slept for another half an hour.
When Kurt woke up the second time, he stifled a scream in his first moments of consciousness. "What the hell?" he demanded in his next few.
"Hey there, Kurt," the man who had apparently broken into his apartment said with a smile. "Nice place." He wasn't being sarcastic, he actually appreciated minimalism… in certain areas.
"Do I even want to know how you got in here?" Kurt demanded.
"I stole Rachel's key," he replied, twirling it around with one hand to demonstrate. "You know, you're being awfully mean, considering how long it's been since I've seen you."
"Cooper, you were watching me sleep!" Kurt objected, throwing the covers off and getting out of bed, ignoring the twin objections from his head and stomach at the sudden movement. He wasn't that hungover.
Blaine's brother just grinned at him. "Yes, admittedly, but I wasn't doing it for long, and I brought you stuff." Cooper gestured to the aspirin, water, and breakfast he had brought Kurt with a flourish, and Kurt immediately forgave him for being creepy. Though considering it was a homemade breakfast, Kurt had to wonder exactly how long Cooper had been in his apartment. He decided not to ask.
"Did you return Jonathan in one piece?" Kurt asked, just making conversation as he took his first dose of aspirin for the day. He was sure there would be many more, possibly even more than medically advised by the bottle.
"Unfortunately," Cooper answered, sitting down on Kurt's couch, and that kind of confirmed Kurt's suspicions. "Can you honestly tell me you like that guy?"
"Not with a straight face," Kurt answered, and Cooper sighed. Kurt leaned over, squinting at the clock, and then frowned in Cooper's general direction. "Aren't you supposed to be picking up the tuxes right about now, with Elizabeth?"
"Our appointment is at 10:30," Cooper assured him. "I would wonder what Blaine sees in him, but we both know Blaine, and we both know exactly what the problem is." Kurt nodded. "Aren't you supposed to be at some sort of secret spa appointment with Blaine?" Cooper asked, checking the time for himself.
"Our appointment's at 10," Kurt said, "I have a little bit of time."
"And you don't want to see Blaine."
"What would make you think that?"
"He kissed you," Cooper answered promptly, not sounding upset in the least.
"He told you about that?"
"When I delivered a rather frightened Jonathan back to their brownstone, Blaine was still awake, staring at his phone. I, being the wonderful brother that I am, asked him what was wrong, and he told me about the incident at The Village Underground. He also told me he's called you a million times since."
"I'm not ready to talk to him," Kurt replied. "Is that why you're here?"
"I'm here because I hate Blaine's fiancé, and I have a feeling I'm in good company. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course," Cooper said without a trace of doubt in his accuracy. "Notice, I'm being nice. I have refrained from mentioning that you're wearing the same clothes you presumably wore to Blaine's bachelor party, which I also know you planned. Either that, or you need to understand the idea of comfortable pajamas."
"I was drunk," Kurt justified the fact that he had slumped into bed and fallen immediately asleep, resolved not to let his thoughts keep him up all night.
"I know. You let an engaged man kiss you." Cooper managed not to sound judgmental, but Kurt still looked down instead of directly at the older man. "He's not mad at you, you know. He's mad at himself, obviously, but he's not mad at you."
"He wouldn't have any right to be if he was," Kurt argued with the floor. "He kissed me, and he's the one getting married."
"Then why do you sound so guilty?" Kurt sighed, having no good answer for Cooper's question. "Look, I love my brother, but he doesn't always make the best decisions when it comes to people. And if the two people who care about him most on this earth, you and me, decide that Jonathan isn't good for him, we're probably right."
"Blaine is marrying him today."
"I know. Speak now or forever hold your peace, right?" Cooper phrased it as a question, but Kurt knew exactly what he was proposing.
"Are you out of your mind?" Kurt demanded. "I can't tell him not to get married!"
"Why not?" Cooper asked, and for someone asking his brother's ex to ruin his wedding, the actor was remarkably calm. "Do you really think marrying Jonathan is what's best for Blaine?"
"Of course not, but-"
"Well, then I would call that just cause, wouldn't you?"
"If you're so confident, why don't you do it?" Kurt demanded, aware that he sounded like a pouty teenager and not caring.
"Because I'm the best man, and that's just awkward," Cooper said, browsing on his phone. "Did you know there's a WikiHow on How to Stop a Wedding? That's… just awesome."
"Cooper, nothing I say to Blaine is going to convince him not to get married tonight."
"What about the fact that you love him?" Cooper asked casually, as if this was an established fact and not a shocking revelation. "Something that, according to the WikiHow, you should have told Blaine already, but I know it's not that simple."
"Cooper, you're literally talking crazy. You're crazier than Rachel right now, and that's saying something."
Cooper turned on Kurt with an unimpressed expression. "So you want Blaine to get married? You want him to marry Jonathan and adopt kids and live his whole life dealing with a complete and total asshole for a husband? Maybe you don't love him."
"Cooper, I've talked to him about this. I've already told him that I don't approve of Jonathan, and that doesn't change anything."
"Did last night change anything?" Cooper asked with a grin, knowing the answer.
"It was just a kiss. We're both adults. It was probably our ten-thousandth. So, no, it didn't."
"So, let's cross off the steps. Try to talk him out of it before the wedding, check. Organize your thoughts clearly, check. Make sure you truly feel as if halting the wedding is your only option, check."
"I don't-" Kurt tried to object, but Cooper just kept talking, as if everything he was saying was completely normal.
"If Blaine doesn't know you love him by now, he's stupid. And I don't believe in being gracious about Blaine marrying an ass, so… let's turn to the procedure."
"You're out of your mind."
"What are you going to say? Where are you going to sit? Do you have a getaway car?"
"I'm not going to say anything, Cooper."
"'Boldly but smoothly raise your hand and say, "I object." At this point you must immediately provide a reason why your beloved must not marry the other person.' Seems easy enough." Kurt sighed, because Cooper wasn't even listening to him at this point.
"There are a ton of purple monkeys in my closet."
"I am listening to you, I just don't believe you," Cooper said immediately, still not looking up from his screen. "I think you love Blaine enough that you can't sit and watch him marry an asshole without saying something, whether you want to think about it or not. So, when you do say something, because I know you will, I want it to be eloquent. I mean, this is NYC, so you won't need a getaway car, we have taxis, and Sam is ushering and he's already on board with placing you at the end of a row-"
"What?" Kurt asked, but it didn't really surprise him that Cooper had already presented this idea to other people. He was excellent at spreading his crazy around.
"Blaine will have to flee the scene immediately, but he can do that. He has the guts. And he won't have to see over half the guests ever again; they're mostly Jonathan's family and business partners, after all. And most of his guests will be thrilled. Hell, some of Jonathan's guests will probably be thrilled."
"Cooper, I'm not doing this."
"Kurt, we all hate him. The groomsmen, the bridesmaids, our parents, his parents, even his own sister is against this wedding. You're the only person who has a hope of getting through to him."
"What happens if he stays?" Kurt asked, and Cooper sighed.
"Then I club him over the head with a Bible and you can still drag him away and have your wicked way with him." Seven years ago, that sentence would have made Kurt blush, but now they were seriously talking about ruining someone's wedding. A lot changes, far too quickly.
"Cooper-"
"Kurt, you are at a crossroads." Kurt groaned, because this was going to be one of the dramatic speeches that the semi-famous actor so loved. "You have two options. Option one, you don't say anything, and Blaine marries Jonathan, becomes Blaine Holloway-Anderson. They go on their honeymoon, have five kids, a house on Long Island, probably a bitter divorce, and Blaine ends up back in Ohio living with our parents because Jonathan has insisted that he doesn't need to work with an investment banker's salary backing him up. Blaine doesn't write or make music, and he's been living the last twenty years in misery. Now he's old and bitter and separated from his children and forced to live with people who hate him." Kurt's stomach turned, because he could picture exactly that happening to Blaine. "Or you can stand up and say two words, 'I object.' Blaine can walk out of that church, marry someone he actually loves, be a Hummel-Anderson, have three kids and a duplex in Manhattan. He'll write you a billion sappy love songs and make millions of dollars because he's so ridiculously enamored with you. You can design all his clothes for his tours and get more promotions in the fashion world, go to Fashion Week and network, have a successful career. You can send those three kids to Ivy League colleges and live happily ever after, growing old together on a front porch somewhere in the Hamptons, because right now you're both on the cusp of making just a ridiculous amount of money." Kurt could picture that, too, and he started to rub his temples. This was too much for someone with a hangover. "It's your choice." Kurt sighed, because Cooper made it sound so simple. "You can fix the mistake you made in high school. You and Blaine can be together again, forever this time."
"Cooper, I promised myself I wouldn't push him, that I would let him make the right choice by himself." Isabelle's plan was so much more logical than Cooper's, but it was crunch time.
"It's a little late for that, Hummel."
They sat in silence for a few minutes before Cooper cleared his throat. "You should probably get ready. Blaine has no idea that you're taking him for a spa day. You should go to the brownstone and fetch him." Kurt nodded, not wanting to talk anymore about Cooper's crazy plan. As Kurt stood up and headed to his closet, Cooper stood up as well, ready to leave. "Just think about it. I know you love Blaine enough to want what's best for him, even at the risk of your pride." Cooper left a piece of paper on the coffee table, hopefully Blaine's address, since Kurt didn't actually know where his brownstone was.
Kurt didn't say anything, waiting for Cooper to leave before rubbing his hands over his eyes. What the hell was he going to do?
Kurt took the R into Manhattan, switching over to the 4 and opening up the note Cooper had left for him. Sure enough, it had Blaine's address, 1342 Lexington Avenue, but it also had another message. After reading it, Kurt could only assume it was from that damn WikiHow. 'Make sure you truly feel as if halting the wedding is your only option. You most likely have a history with the person about to tie the knot, and you must be certain that your odds of winning him or her back are favorable and desirable.' There was a smiley face next to the quote, and Kurt sighed.
Blaine's house was between an Emmelle and a big building marked 1344 by the awning, directly on Lexington between 89th and 90th, prime Manhattan real estate. Kurt knocked on the door nervously, and when Blaine opened it his eyes widened. "Kurt," he said, more breathing than speaking.
"Hi," was all Kurt said, because suddenly his dignified proposal to go to the spa and talk there died in his throat.
"Come in," Blaine said, stepping aside and holding the door open so Kurt could walk into his house. Almost as soon as he saw the inside of the house, he stopped and just stared. He had stepped right into a designer kitchen, with all stainless steel appliances and granite countertops, alley-style but opening into an informal dining area.
"Wow," was all Kurt could articulate.
Blaine blushed and scratched at the back of his neck, a familiar gesture that meant he was embarrassed. "Yeah. It's a little… much, sometimes."
"How big is this place?"
"Four bedrooms, four-and-a-half baths," Blaine admitted. "It's four stories, plus a cellar. Each bedroom has its own en-suite, plus there's a library/office and a few living rooms and even an area that we hope to turn into a playroom." Blaine smiled, but Kurt's stomach twisted again. Blaine was already planning for kids. "There's plenty of room for a family here."
"How much did this place cost?" Kurt asked.
"Well, I'm not really sure," Blaine admitted. "Jonathan bought it without consulting me, and we agreed to split the mortgage. It's… expensive, I know that, but it's Lexington Avenue real estate." Blaine shrugged. "Do you want a tour?"
"I… maybe later," Kurt said, because he wanted to say no, but the house was gorgeous, and it made sense now why Blaine was so critical of his minimalistic studio apartment. He lived here.
"You're right," Blaine said, swallowing audibly. "We… we should talk."
"Actually, we shouldn't," Kurt corrected him. "We have an appointment at 10, we should get going. Grab your coat."
"Where are we going?" Blaine asked, but he followed Kurt's directions.
"Long before last night, it was decided by some people who care about you that you worry too much, and you've been incredibly stressed out lately. So, to prevent you from wandering around your empty house and stressing until your wedding, I'm taking you to a spa… and confiscating your phone," Kurt decided on the spot. "Just… try to relax. You'll feel much better for it."
Blaine nodded. "I… I should go say goodbye to Jonathan," he said. "He's still sleeping, Cooper brought him home late last night. I'll be right back." Blaine walked down the alley of his kitchen and up the stairs Kurt could see in the corner.
Having nothing better to do, Kurt walked down the alley also and checked out what he could see. There were stairs going up in the corner, and opposite them, hidden behind one side of the alley, were stairs down to the cellar. The first floor was open-concept, so Kurt walked through the arch at the end of the kitchen. There was a door on his left, presumably a bathroom, and a fireplace on the right side of the room. A glass door across the room from the arch Kurt had just walked through led out to a garden, by the look of it. This, Kurt guessed, would be the playroom for Blaine and Jonathan's kids. The thought made him slightly nauseous, so he walked back into the kitchen and sat down at their table.
Soon enough, Blaine came back down the stairs, smoothing his hair down a little from where hands had obviously been in it. His lips were a little swollen, but Kurt decided not to point that out. It wasn't his business if Jonathan was acting possessive again, because Blaine had probably told him Kurt was in the house. "Ready to go?" Blaine asked, picking up his coat from one of the counters, and Kurt nodded, following him out of the beautiful house.
They took the 4 down Lexington Avenue to the 59th Street stop, and then walked a few blocks until they arrived at the corner of 5th and West 55th. The ride on the subway was mostly quiet, Blaine obviously nervous and Kurt still trying to shake the nausea caused by thinking about Blaine and Jonathan and their kids in that admittedly beautiful house. As they walked the eight blocks to their destination, Blaine started to warm up a little bit, chatting about the brisk weather and the ceremony and how excited he was. It was the first time Blaine seemed genuinely thrilled about his wedding, and Kurt was starting to put Cooper's crazy plan out of his head until he realized what was happening. Blaine was acting, even over-acting, trying to play the part of enthused groom for Kurt's benefit.
"The Peninsula?" Blaine asked as they arrived at the West 55th Street entrance.
"They have a wonderful spa," Kurt defended his choice as the doorman opened the doors for them.
"An expensive spa," Blaine said, and was this really about money?
"Blaine, aren't you always the one telling me that I have an excess of money and I should spend it?"
"Yes, but I was talking about your apartment, not my wedding day."
"Blaine, you're getting married. Just… allow yourself to be pampered. Trust me, it's wonderful. The women at my office come here all the time." Isabelle loved the Peninsula Spa. Kurt was pretty sure she was a regular, so he made a mental note to drop her name. She was well-known all around Manhattan.
They took an elevator up to the 21st floor of the hotel, and as soon as the doors of the spa opened, Kurt felt more relaxed. There were teak accents and candles and Kurt could see whirlpools and massage tables and yes, it was going to be wonderful for both of them to be pampered a little after the stress of the last week.
"Welcome snack?" a woman asked them, standing by the door with a tray full of cheese and salami and crackers, fruits and vegetables, chips and salsa… so much food. Kurt took some cheese and crackers, while Blaine went right for the chips and salsa.
"They feed us?" Blaine asked, and Kurt rolled his eyes at the silly question.
"Of course, it's a high end spa."
"And you must be my specialty of the day," a different woman approached them as the greeter went away. "I'm Lila, and I've been assigned to your reservation." Kurt nodded, realizing this was the woman he had talked to on the phone. She was pretty, with soft green eyes and curly blonde hair tied up in a lazy bun. She also came up to the bottom of his sternum, even wearing high heels, but he could ignore that. "You personalized your package, I believe?"
"With some room for deviation," Kurt replied.
"Well, you should discuss, and I shall return in a few minutes." She walked quickly off over the smooth tiled floor, and judging by the way employees nodded to her, she was very much in charge.
"What are we discussing?" Blaine asked.
"What we want to do. There are steam rooms and saunas and ice fountains and a rain-forest shower, which is usually where people start off. There are massages and facial and scrubs and wraps and-"
"Okay, I get it!" Blaine interrupted. "What are we doing?"
"Let me worry about that." Kurt had planned for them to start in the eucalyptus-infused sauna and then cool off with the rain-forest shower, but after last night anything that involved them being alone and less than fully-clothed was… inadvisable. He waved Lila back over and started telling her what they wanted, confident Blaine wasn't listening. Even if he had been, he probably wouldn't have understood what Kurt was talking about.
"Fantastic!" Lila said as she scribbled down what Kurt was saying. "Matthew and Derek," she said loudly as a means of calling them over, "our two cutest masseuses," she said in an almost whisper for Kurt's ears alone, "will bring the two of you into massage room D."
Kurt grabbed Blaine's arm and steered him towards massage room D, being followed by their two (very cute) masseuses. "So, here's the deal," Kurt said as they walked across the main lobby. "We can talk when we go to lunch. For now, I just want you to relax, and enjoy the day of your wedding." Blaine nodded.
Admittedly, Kurt hadn't anticipated how awkward it would be to have to disrobe in the same room, and really, why had he thought a spa day was a good idea when so much semi-nudity was involved? The masseuses had left them alone to done robes, but at this point Kurt would rather have stripped down in front of two total strangers than Blaine.
"We can just… we'll both turn around," Blaine said, turning around as he spoke. Kurt did the same, quickly checking the room to make sure there were no reflective surfaces. At least, that was what he told himself when he almost got an eyeful of his engaged ex.
"You do realize, as good as this plan is," Kurt said as he shimmied his tight jeans down, "we'll have to get out of these robes to be massaged anyway."
"Haven't you ever heard of crossing a bridge when you get there?" Blaine asked, and Kurt could tell by his tone that he was smiling.
Once the initial awkwardness had passed, their day at the spa was amazing. Admittedly, the massages got slightly sexual, sound-wise, and Kurt was ninety-nine percent sure Blaine's masseuse had offered him a happy ending at some point (he wasn't entirely sure if Blaine had declined or accepted, that was how pornographic the tenor sounded). There wasn't much conversation, both of them enjoying being pampered.
After their full hour holistic massages, Kurt and Blaine were escorted out of the massage rooms and into one of the rooms that looked like a nail salon, with big comfortable chairs and foot baths and all sorts of amenities. The spa was full to bursting, but Lila was efficient and managed to keep them in a rather secluded area.
In their large, leather massage chairs, they were handed champagne, which they both used to reluctantly toast Blaine's upcoming nuptials. Following the champagne was a fifteen-minute scalp massage and a fifteen-minute facial cleanse (which was just to wash off toxins and oils, apparently). The main event was a full hour Biologique Recherché facial (Kurt ordered the healthy-glow package for himself and the executive man's package for Blaine, which sounded incredibly dirty when he said it out loud and made Blaine laugh). At the same time their faces were being lathered with more products than Kurt had ever seen in his life (which was quite an achievement, considering his moisturizing routine had only become more involved since high school), they were receiving the gentlemen's hand and feet grooming package. Essentially, it was a mani-pedi, but phrased so no man's masculinity could be offended (and they only used clear polish).
The clock read half past noon when they had finished the first half of the treatment, and now Kurt knew they had half an hour for lunch, which is when he had promised Blaine they would talk. Lila whisked them out of their chairs to the Asian-fusion lunch, which took place on an expansive balcony overlooking the city. They were still in robes, but Kurt had passed self-conscious a long time ago.
"Thank you for this." Blaine spoke first. "I hadn't realized exactly how much stress I was carrying until Derek's magic fingers made it all go away." They were having more champagne, because why not? Though Kurt was keeping a close eye on Blaine's alcohol intake for two reasons. One, he didn't want it to look like he was trying to get Blaine drunk on his wedding day, and two, they were there to talk about the last time Blaine had been inebriated.
"I wouldn't be saying things like that without prefacing them with your engagement. He might be standing around." Blaine chuckled, taking a sip of his champagne as they waited for the food to come.
"I'm sorry," was the next thing Blaine said, and that was what Kurt had been expecting.
"I know."
"I mean, that was… one hundred percent inappropriate, and I don't blame you for not stopping it, and-"
"Blaine, it's okay." Kurt cut his ex off because he knew how Blaine tended to ramble when he was nervous. "Can I ask you something though?"
"Kurt, no matter how nice it was, it shouldn't have happened."
Kurt chuckled. "That wasn't going to be my question."
"Oh," Blaine said, blushing.
"Are you having doubts? About Jonathan?" Every time Kurt had asked that question before, Blaine had avoided the topic or so vehemently denied it Kurt was tempted to say 'I think the gentleman doth protest too much,' but Kurt had a feeling this time would be different.
"I hope not," was Blaine's candid response. "I love Jonathan, I have no doubt about that, but marriage is a big step, and the closer we get the less certain I am."
"That's not a good thing," Kurt said quietly.
"It's just cold feet. I love Jonathan. Give me one good reason I shouldn't marry him."
This was Kurt's chance, his chance to tell Blaine that he loved him (for it was true, even if he hadn't wanted to admit it) and for him to call off the wedding without making a fool of himself in front of everyone Blaine knew. But Blaine was looking at him with big hazel eyes, wanting Kurt to be the only person in his life to tell him everything was going to be okay, and Kurt couldn't do it.
"I can't," Kurt said, and they both knew he wasn't talking about listing reasons.
"Neither can I," was Blaine's equivocal response. "And I'm sorry for kissing you. It didn't mean anything." That was a lie, and they both knew it.
"I know," Kurt said, once again addressing the subtext of their conversation.
The waitress arrived with their food, and Kurt and Blaine got caught up in a discussion about why all of the workers at the spa were female except for the masseuses. Even though the answer was pretty obvious.
After dinner, they were treated to a full hour body wrap in one of the massage rooms and then whipped off to the earth-toned Asian Tea Lounge for some herbal tea and a twenty-five-minute reflexology foot treatment. Blaine made several foot fetishist jokes while they were receiving the treatment, considering a lot of foot-related treatments were available, and he made the mistake of assuming the Chinese lady performing the treatment couldn't understand him, an idiotic and racist assumption. He got pinched a lot.
After their treatment and tea, Lila escorted them into a room full of adjustable beds which she called the private relaxation area. The beds were comfortable and they were provided with headphones and unlimited music and bowls of fruit and even more champagne (maybe the spa owners thought ladies spent more when they were champagne-drunk).
Kurt was half-asleep when Blaine announced, "I have a song for you," hopping out of his bed to steal the controls for Kurt's music. Kurt barely woke up to say, "Fine," and the song Blaine had chosen drifted through his mind as he slipped into unconsciousness.
Softly now, you owe it to the world
And everyone know that you're my favorite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and you're not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a good life
From me
(Good life)
Softer now, you owe it to yourself
And don't think that you will be left on the shelf
'Cause there's someone for you and there's someone for me
Like me, you'll meet them eventually
Here's to your lover
And here's to my wife
Here's to your children
And here's to you having a good life
From me
(Good life)
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby
(Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby)
Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby
(Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby)
Louder now, you've lost all your pain
You're married with children and happy again
And now I'm regretting the move that I made
Fatal mistakes are so easily made
Enough of my problems, they only cause fights
Forget that I rang you, and promise you'll have such a
Beautifully happy and painlessly romantic…
Good life, from me
(Good Life)
A/N: Since I've been a horrible updater and writer lately and my trip apparently completely wiped my mind of all thing story-related, I'm going to post the rest of this story tonight.
Yes, the WikiHow on How to Stop a Wedding is a real thing.
Also, whatever Guest keeps leaving anonymous reviews on all of my stories with some rumor off blindgossip (it's called gossip for a reason sweetie) about Darren Criss and Chris Colfer (yes, I noticed you keep spelling his last name wrong, which only proves who far off your sources are), please stop. I will continue to delete your reviews, but it's time-consuming and quite a bit of a nuisance. Thank you :)
Song used:
'Good Life' by Francis Dunnery
Reviews are Love.