He knew he was being irrational. He had known the moment Caroline stood at his door that Sunday evening after they had returned from the Woodlands and the botched proposal. He had opened his door at the sound of her light rapping and there she stood giving him a nervous but hopeful smile. That smile. That fucking smile. A smile that told him that she was totally in love and terrified of him all at once. The proposal had scared her and now he could see how much. For him it had made so much sense. He had lived his entire life following the rules. Living by the idea that there was a process to everything, that if he did A. B. and C. then D. would result. It was methodical. It was what brought him peace.

Aimlessness, disarray, anything without a routine, a structure, he didn't do well. There needed to be an end game. A result. It was one of the reasons he loved hockey so much, because at the end of 60 minutes there was an end. A winner and a loser. Now with overtimes and shootouts it was ensured there was never a tie. Goals, assists and their points all designed to measure success. Those competitions, that gratification, he couldn't help but let it bleed into his personal life. He loved Caroline. He didn't want to be with anyone else. Ever. So it just made sense that they would get married. He was a traditional guy. He didn't want to live together or spend years in a relationship that didn't have that commitment attached to it. He wanted her to be his wife and knowing that she wasn't ready and actually understanding it, didn't make him feel better. It made him inexplicably angry, irritated…annoyed. He hated himself for feeling this way because he knew it wasn't fair, but everything he had ever worked hard for he got. He made sure to be the best and as the best he got what he wanted. He got that satisfaction. And now there was this. Not ready. It was childish…but he wasn't used to no. Caroline's doubts had thrown him off his game. He believed that she loved him, but he couldn't help but feel like she was still holding back. That there was still something keeping her from going all in.

It was that knowledge that frustrated him most. So he dealt with it by not letting her get close, not right now, not when it was so raw. He was hurt…he was man enough to admit it. His ego was bruised and he was hurt that she didn't get it. That she wasn't ready or willing to take that leap of faith. He made up excuses. Kept himself distant. Even when they were together, he put himself on guard because if he gave up any restraint, he was afraid he would lose it. He would argue and yell and ask…why?

Why?

For the first time in his life he felt like he might not be good enough.

It was hard enough to have this running through his mind constantly, but with the playoffs, Taylor's visit and this stupid documentary, his mind was a jumbled mess. He didn't know if he was coming or going. Caroline was busy, he was busy and beyond his own feelings, the universe had aligned itself in a way that made everything seem…off. He hadn't even been that pissed when she was late for the dinner with the other couples, he was resigned to this new way of things not working out. But he wanted to make her feel bad. He wanted to put all of this irrationality on her, but she had just been so damn sorry that he couldn't do it. In fact that time together reminded him of before. For one night he could just let go of all the noise in his head and just pretend that everything wasn't all over the place. Caroline curled up against him. Her smell surrounding him. Her soft body that he had memorized, clad in his clothes. It was perfect. He had reveled in the simplicity. It had turned him on. The erection had grown pretty much as soon as she molded herself into him. And the sight of her in his bed. Her hair spread across his pillow. The apple of her cheeks pink with sleep, the light freckles on her nose, the part of her lips as she breathed in and out. He couldn't take it any longer. The weeks of turmoil. The constant argument inside him head telling him one second he was an asshole and then the other that he was completely justified. He had just wanted it to all go away. He had pulled her into him. He had taken her in a way that meant he didn't have to ask questions or give answers. And when it was over, the guilt poured over him, soaking him in self loathing for being so weak. So cowardly. For selfishly wanting to just feel her surround him without it having to mean anything. Without having to talk about feelings and reasons and sensibility. To just feel that close to her again and forget that everything was just a little bit fucked up.

For her it was different and he had known that. She wouldn't feel or see it as an intermission from the disorder, the uncertainty, the stuff that comes when two people are on two totally different pages of life. The break he needed, the break he had taken selfishly that kept her still at the comfortable distance, was not something she was built to understand. He knew that and he did it anyway.

The minute he left for practice the next morning he realized he hadn't told Caroline about Taylor's visit. He wanted to call her, text her, something. But he felt too ashamed of his actions; he just wanted to pretend that none of it was happening. During the first shift change he had glanced up at the stands and saw them together. He felt almost numbed by the whole thing. Instead he just focused all his energy on the puck and the focus paid off. Hat trick. His heart soared. He loved how hockey just took it all away. All the crap of life just disappeared. As the hats rained down onto the ice, he looked back up and saw Taylor's blond head bobbing up and down as she cheered for his success and then he saw the empty seat. And the anger and frustration returned. She had missed it.

He took questions from the media. His answers too short and terse for what should be a joyous occasion from this special feat. As the reporters floated away, he was met with an enthusiastic hug from his younger sister, her embrace firm and full of pride for her older brother who rarely disappointed.

"Way to go Sid!" Taylor said excitedly. "What a game! Flyers never stood a chance."

"Thanks Tay, yeah it was a good one," he hoped that she wouldn't notice the hollow in his voice.

She didn't. Instead she talked a mile a minute, recapping the game, her keen eye picking up on plays and pushes that all came together to bring about the victory.

Sidney couldn't help but notice that she was alone. Had Caroline left after the game? He really couldn't blame her if she did, but he would anyway.

Finally there was a lull in the conversation and he spoke up, "So you met Caroline?"

Taylor didn't miss a beat. "Um, yeah, thanks for telling her about my visit. She was pretty surprised to see me…"

Sidney felt the twinge of guilt return, "Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I meant to tell her, its just things…" he trailed off, no real excuse to give.

"Is she still here?" he asked hope laced in his voice.

"Yeah, she's in the hallway talking to some lady. Carmen or something, I don't know they're talking about dates and appointments or something…" Taylor looked bored by even mentioning it.

"Cameron." Sid said blankly.

"Yeah, that's it," Taylor replied, then launched into a flurry of conversation about the week ahead.

He wasn't listening.

Cameron.

Fuck.

He found her thirty minutes later in the players' lounge chatting with Veronique. They were talking animatedly about the new addition to the Fluery's family that would be arriving later this year. She caught his eye and for the first time he couldn't read her face. Wrapping up her conversation with Vero, she stood and came his way.

"Hey," she said softly looking a little lost.

"Hey," he replied, the distance of just a foot separately them seeming so huge. He wanted to say he was sorry, he wanted to ask what she thought of Taylor, he wanted to ask how she enjoyed the game, but he didn't instead the words just flowed out of him like verbal diarrhea.

"You missed my hat trick." His words were accusing and hard. She looked taken aback for a moment. Shocked, as she looked around the now nearly empty room.

Then recovered.

"I know," she said tightly. Not volunteering anymore information.

"Is that all you're going to say?" he pressed, his brain telling him to shut up but his heart getting the best of him. He stared at her expectantly, waiting for her explanation.

"I don't know what you want me to say," she shot back. Her spine straightened and her arms crossed.

Wait, wasn't he the one who should be mad?

"Um, I don't know, you could tell me why you bothered to come when you weren't even going to watch the game?" he said petulantly.

Her eyes narrowed and her lips trembled, although he could tell she was fighting to keep them still. She drew her bottom lip in and bit at it anxiously.

"I was in the bathroom." she said and before he could speak she continued. "I would have gone during intermission but I was talking to your sister, who you failed to mention was coming to visit. Then I would have loved to come see the celebration of your success," she nearly bit out the word success, "but I got held up by your new PR woman who was telling me all about this video thing that evidently I am supposed to be a part of, another thing you failed to mention. So forgive me for missing your hat trick, but it seems like there is a lot more I'm missing."

Her eyes never left his and her crossed arms made her look every inch the teacher.

Sid was lost for words for a moment, then recovered "Sorry I've had a lot on my mind." His words were sharp and the apology sounded hollow.

Caroline was silent. He watched as she processed his words and he could see the shift in her eyes as she gave up the fight. He hated and loved her for it all at once.

"I know you do...I just think maybe we need to talk. Everything has just been so crazy lately, do you think we could-"

Her sentence was cut off.

"There you are!" the perky voice of Cameron Spencer took over the somber mood of the lounge. Sidney's eyes shifted towards the voice and Caroline looked away, miles were built between them.

Cameron took no time to drape her arm over the shoulders of Sidney. Her hand clutched at his bicep as she leaned her head into his shoulder.

"How much do we love this guy, huh?" Cameron gushed seemingly oblivious to the heavy air that lay between the couple.

Sid looked uncomfortably at Caroline, whose demeanor hardened immediately.

"Yeah..." Caroline replied clearly unhappy with the interruption.

"I'm going to have to steal him away from you," Cameron trilled. "We seriously have a lot to go over Siddo." Cameron released him from her clutches and looked at him expectantly. "Sorry, Caroline. But business you know."

Before Sid could string two words together, he was being led away by Cameron and Caroline was getting her things, clearly leaving.

"Wait," Sid said weakly and walked towards Caroline who was working furiously on buttoning up her coat.

"Its fine," she replied as she put out a hand to stop him from coming any further.

"I want us to talk," he said softly ducking his head towards hers, his body shifted careful not to let Cameron hear the conversation.

"Yeah, whenever you're free," Caroline said stiffly, "I'm going to head home, I'm pretty tired. I didn't sleep so well last night." She looked at him, her eyes telling him more than he wanted to hear.

Sidney felt the guilt intensify; he should have known last night would just make things worse.

"I'm sor-"

He was cut off by the sound of Cameron's throat clearing, indicating she was not interested in waiting on him any longer.

"It's fine. I'll see you later," Caroline mumbled, unable to meet his eyes now that the conversation had shifted to a much more awkward place.

"Ok, I'll call you," he said lamely and she just nodded and brushed past him.

She was gone and the noise returned.

Caroline didn't want to see a soul. She just wanted to get home, put on her pajamas and crawl into bed. Block out the entire world.

Of course things never work out that way.

She hadn't gone far when she bumped into Nathalie in the hallway of Penguins front office.

"Caroline, there you are," the woman said kindly. Caroline had already felt the heat creep up her neck and the bite of tears forming in her eyes when she left the encounter with Sidney. She didn't want to have to explain anything to anyone right now, not when things were so stupidly complicated.

"Oh hi," Caroline replied, painting a phony smile on her face.

"Are you okay?" the blond woman asked kindly, seeing the misery on the young woman's face immediately.

"Yes, I'm fine," Caroline lied.

"If you need to talk about anything sweetie, I'm al-"

"I'm fine, really." Caroline interrupted, not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to talk about it. She just wanted to get out of there.

"Ok. I wanted to let you know that we are having people over tomorrow for Easter. I don't know your plans, but I know Sidney and Taylor are going and I hoped he talked to you about it…but just in case he didn't, we would love to have you."

Caroline knew about the brunch. Outside the locker room Cameron had given her a list of dates and times for when and how the documentary would be filmed. Tomorrow would be a perfect opportunity to show a more personal side of Sidney and Caroline played a key part in that. The way Cameron had phrased it, Caroline felt more like she was playing a role, rather than being a part of this documentary, that seemed more staged than anything else. Nonetheless, she loved him and would do whatever she needed to do.

"I would love to come, thank you." Caroline replied, "Is there anything I can bring?"

"Just yourself," Nathalie smiled widely and said her goodbyes. Finally Caroline was able to escape and fine solace in her car and within the hour she was burrowed under her covers and on her way to being fast asleep.

She was woken a few hours later by the sound of her doorbell ringing. Disoriented Caroline woke with a start. She looked at her clock that read 10:30. She'd only been asleep for an hour, but it felt like the next morning. Dragging herself out of bed, she made her way through her house and to the front door.

"Hi," he said, once she had unlocked the door and pulled him in out of the rainy cold night.

His cheeks were bright, a ball cap slung over his eyes as water dripped from the bill. His coat wet, his hands clenched trying to get warm.

"You're drenched, how long were you out there?" she exclaimed once he was in the warm dry house. All bad feelings forgotten as she reached to take off his wet coat and pull off the soaked cap. She shook out the articles trying to dry them.

"Care, don't worry about it." Sidney insisted, his hands coming out to still hers. "Its not a big deal."

Caroline felt a warmth grow inside at the sight of him.

"Do you want some…hot chocolate or something?" she asked.

He gave a small smile, "No, I'm good but thanks."

Caroline didn't know what to think.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, her hands coming up to smooth her sleep tousled hair.

He looked around not meeting her eyes, "I tried calling you, but there was no answer."

Caroline felt his wall come up, "Oh, my ringer was off. I was sleeping."

"Oh," he said lamely his hands now stuffed in his pockets, rocking back and forth on his heels like he wanted to say something but was holding back.

Caroline couldn't bear the uncomfortable moment any longer.

"I'm sorry about earlier," she rushed out, even though she had no reason to apologize. "I was really disappointed that I missed your goal. I know it was a big deal."

Sidney pulled a hand out and ran it through his hair, heaving a heavy sigh.

"No, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted that way. I was just...frustrated I guess," he replied hollowly.

Caroline just wanted all this stupid stuff to go away and just have him back, like before. The desire to just reach out and touch his hair or his cheek was so strong it hurt. She just wanted to fall into him and forget everything.

"Sid…" she started, but he interrupted her.

"I, um," he gave a weird cough. "I, need to talk to you about the documentary. What they need for us to do."

Oh.

Caroline felt the proverbial balloon go pop. He wasn't here to talk about them. He was here to talk about that stupid video.

"Oh, ok," she said, not bothering to hide the disappointment in her voice.

"Yeah, so they asked me to do this and I know I should have told you sooner but its just been hard to get a chance to talk to you lately."

Caroline felt her defenses go up. She was hard to talk to? He was the one who had completely closed off from her.

"You could have told me last night," she said tightly.

"I had planned on it and then you were late and I just forgot," he shot back.

"Did you?" Caroline responded quickly.

"Uh, yeah I did. I didn't not tell you on purpose," he gave her a look like she was an idiot.

"I cant help but feel like you did." Caroline replied her arms crossing in front of her involuntarily. This was not the conversation she had hoped they would have.

"What? Why would I do that?" he said crossly.

"She's very pretty…" Caroline said the jealously alive in her voice.

"What?" he looked at her like she had two heads.

"Cameron, she's really pretty. Sophisticated. She likes you a lot…" Caroline trailed off feeling like her insecurities were written all over her face.

"I…I don't know what your talking about," he replied tightly.

"Oh come on," she said, a feeling of irrationality flowing through her. "I saw the way she was looking at you. I mean its pretty obvious."

Sidney just stared at her for a second, looking at her like he'd never seen her before.

"What is this? You're jealous?" he asked incredulously.

Caroline reddened. "No! No, I'm not jealous. Its just she was all over you and she's very pre—"

He interrupted her. "Pretty, I know you said that. Look, I don't care about Cameron or how she looks. She's doing her job and she's asking me to do mine. This is part of that. You know that. I need you to be on board with this, ok?"

Caroline suddenly felt embarrassed of her jealousy; it made her look so pathetic.

"Fine. Whatever you need," she replied.

"Ok, thank you," he said harshly, his eyes hard on hers, like he was so let down by her.

Caroline felt like she was in the principal's office or something. She suddenly couldn't keep the words in anymore.

"I feel like you're always mad at me lately." Caroline blurted out, the tremor in her voice too strong to miss.

Sidney was silent for a moment then rubbed at his eyes in frustration. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sid, c'mon…"

He sighed heavily, too tired for the fight. "I'm not mad, it's just been really hard to get your attention lately with this thing your doing at work," he said tiredly.

"This thing?" Caroline replied, not wanting to pick a fight but irritated by his phrasing.

"The project…look I didn't come here to argue, I just wanted to tell you that Cameron needs us to do a sit down tomorrow and then wants to get some footage of me and Taylor this week. I thought maybe you would want to be around for that. I mean, I want you to be there for it."

He didn't sound very convincing.

"I talked to her earlier. She told me about tomorrow. I will be there. And…I'm off all week, I'm free."

God, the conversation was painful.

"Ok…great," he replied quickly. The battle to say more finally ended, "Look, Care, I…I'm sorry about last night. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair to you."

Caroline reddened by his apology, but was so grateful for the opportunity to talk about it.

"It's…its ok. I just…I miss you. I miss before," she could barely get the rest of her sentence out without her voice catching.

She watched him struggle to find the next thing to say, this vulnerable moment lingering in the air, the chance to work put everything out there within reach.

And then all of a sudden it was gone.

"Yeah…listen, I gotta go, I'm staying in Sewickley with Taylor all week, and I should get back." he said hollowly.

It had been so close, she thought.

Her eyes welled up and she suddenly needed him to go. She would fall apart in front of him and she couldn't do that, not now.

"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow," she said quickly trying to blink away the sudden pool of tears swimming in her eyes.

Sidney was too attuned to her and her emotions to miss it.

"Care…"

"It's ok, here," she busied herself with getting the damp jacket and hat and thrust them towards him, unable to meet his eyes.

His hand brushed hers when he took the items and Caroline could barely stand it.

He turned to leave and just as he reached the door handle, he turned and walked back towards her.

Cupping her hot cheek with his cold hand, he leaned forward and pressed his forehead to hers.

"Things are nuts right now. It's going to be like this for a while. I need you to be strong for me ok?"

She nodded, not wanting to talk anymore.

"I love you, Care," he pressed his mouth to hers and the familiar feeling left her feeling strangely homesick.

"I love you too," she whispered, although she was concerned with what his definition of "nuts" was exactly.

He said goodbye and Caroline wandered back to her bedroom feeling no better than she had before he arrived. She knew he loved her and she loved him desperately, but now more than ever she hoped it was enough.

***Author's note: Sheesh, this chapter was a b**** to write, so I'm sorry if it kind of blows. Depressing Sidney and Caroline sucks to write. But I'm trying to fight through it, to get to the good stuff! Thanks again for all your feedback!***