So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down. I'll never wear your broken crown. I can take the road and I can fuck it all away. But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate
- Broken Crown, Mumford & Sons
The wood was cool against her cheek, but when Caroline came to and tried to lift herself from the living room where she lay, she found her head now weighed a thousand pounds. The pounding was so intense as if her brain was rattling against her skull at a frenzied pace.
You know that moment, when you first wake up, where your mind is blank, when no matter what terrible tragedy you've befallen, you have that delicious ignorance and it seems as if everything is normal? Then it hits you, harder than that ton of bricks and you experience the heartbreak all over again?
That was Caroline. And this was her moment.
She peeled herself off the floor and leaned back again the front door, where she had sat only hours earlier, her mind, body, soul, everything aching with the enormity of what had just happened. The despair and drunkeness so overwhelming they she had finally just slumped to the side and passed out.
She looked around at the dark room, silent in that middle of the way, when you can hear a pin drop, when there is no sound but the deafening strum of your thoughts. And then they came. The thoughts. Knowledge. Remembering.
She was still a little dizzy. Disoriented. But as everything came flooding back, her eyes instantly filled with that heartbreak, the utter devastation that it wasn't a dream, that it had happened and she had wanted it. Deep down she knew she did.
Her sob sliced through quiet. She scrambled up against the wall, pulling herself in, cocooning herself tightly and let the tears stream as she shook lightly.
What had she been thinking? Saying all those things to Pete? She had asked for it. Short of kissing him herself, she was as responsible for what happened as he was. She had been so stupid. So careless. And this was the consequence. Her consequence.
And the tears just kept coming.
After some time, when her nose was running like a faucet and her eyes were so swollen she could hardly keep them open, Caroline lifted herself off the floor and made her way towards the bathroom. Clutching her head, she shuffled along the hallway, her stomach churned violently, wanting nothing more than to expel all the alcohol she had consumed throughout the night. She'd just made it when the churning found its way up and out and collapsing next to the toilet she had just enough time to lift the lid before it all came out. Sitting there, tears streaming down her face, sweat soaking her hairline, Caroline heaved violently, repeatedly. The fancy dinner, the wine, the Jell-O shots, the vodka sodas, the Jager. All of it ending up in her toilet, but the thing she wanted out of her body more than any of those things couldn't be barfed up. The betrayal was in her. It coursed through her blood and seeped through her pores. When she took the aspirin and drank the water and slept for 20 hours, the hangover would be gone, but the betrayal would remain.
Lying there, her head resting against the side of her bathtub, her hair hanging all around her in stringy strands, she tried to piece it all together.
She wasn't allowed to be disappointed or even mad about Sid not making it to the dinner. She had lost that right. The hurt, the disappointment, the feeling that she had been bumped down the list of Sid's priorities, all of it was just so insignificant now. So meaningless. She knew better. This was the trade off. She got to date Sidney fucking Crosby and in return, she put herself further down on that list. That was the deal. And suddenly the deal sucked. The whole thing just blew. Forget the complete lack of judgement, the carelessness, all of it. It boiled down to just sucking big time that Sid missed her dinner. That she wanted him there and he couldn't come. There would always be a thousand different reasons and in the end she just had to deal with it. And now it was all moot. Pointless. Because instead of being an adult, instead of being a rational partner in a loving relationship, she'd fucked it up. Up one side of the fuck wall and down the other. She had no case, no right to look at him and even question the choices he'd made tonight. She lost that right when she'd blearily looked at Pete, her eyes wide and innocent, spilling out those words that while true, had no place being said in this situation. So instead of sitting her, in all her smug glory, blaming him for making a choice that anyone with a pulse would have made. She instead was trying to erase the feeling of Pete's lips against hers, the roughness of his fingers pressed against her neck and the dizzying moments she had taken before pushing him away. She hadn't wanted Pete to do that. Truly she didn't. She knew with every fiber of her being that she would only love one person, that she would only want one person touching her that way. She just had made such bad decisions. And, that small little voice piped in, she wanted to hurt him like he'd hurt her. Just a little bit.
But for him to hurt meant he'd have to know. She had to tell him. Immediately. Beg for forgiveness. She'd made a mistake. A big one. But they could get past this. He'd forgive her.
Right?
What if he didn't?
The thought caused the churning to return and she had only a second to pitch herself forward and heave once more.
She showered. Let the hot water pulse against her skin. Scalding hot. The punishment of the steaming needles of water abuse her skin in a way that brought little relief to the guilt that had slowly began to suffocate her. She didn't wash. Just stood there trying not to hyperventilate.
She slept. Hours. But it wasn't a blissful sleep. She hadn't crawled under the covers and gotten cozy. Her jellied brain shutting off and sending her into a deep happy sleep. No instead she'd wrapped a towel around herself, her hair unwashed and clumped, tatted and matted against her head. Raccoon eyed with remnants of make up irritating her red and raw skin. Zombie-like she'd sat on the side of the bed, staring blankly at the wall, until she'd laid down on top of her blankets and began to cry silently. Tears streaming down her cheeks and collecting at the corner of her mouth. For a while she relived the moments with Pete in the car. Then when she thought she couldn't bear it any longer, her mind switched to telling Sid. How she would do it. When she would do it. How he would react. She played the scenarios through her head. His reaction. Mad, sad, angry, hurt, disappointed, understanding, outraged. But no matter how varied the responses were, one thing remained the same, every time, his face, when she told him. The look on his face when she confessed the betrayal. The sheer magnitude of loathing she felt for herself was what exhausted her to the point that her eyelids became heavy and sleep came.
The doorbell woke her up. Groggy, it took her a few moments to figure out where it was coming from. Then clarity came, all of it. She felt the wave of sadness wash over her and became terrified of who could be on the other side. Sid? She wasn't sure of the time, but she was pretty sure he was on his way to New York, if not already there. Pete? Would he want to talk? No, she couldn't even think about talking to him. It seemed better to just ignore the door and hope whoever it was, went away.
Then as if her wish had been granted, the ringing stopped. Caroline closed her eyes and just lay there cloaked in her misery. Then there was a voice coming from inside her house.
"Caz?"
Caroline felt an iota of relief, then in a scratchy quiet voice called back, "In here."
Moments later Sara appeared, looking fresh and normal. Clean and composed like a regular person. She took in the disaster that was her best friend and concern blossomed all over her face.
"Are you okay?" she asked worriedly, hurrying over to the side of the bed, sitting down next to Caroline.
Caroline's eyes welled and she shook her head.
"What happened? I've been calling and texting you, did you forget our plans?"
Caroline stared dumbly, then remembered the mani/pedis and lunch at Market Square they had planned just yesterday. 24 hours ago, life had been so different. She ached to go back to that time. Lunch on Friday, when everything had seemed so perfect and a Saturday with her friend was just what she would want after her exciting evening. Now instead her world was crumbling around her. It was too much. The waterworks started up again, as Caroline's face crumpled quickly and easily.
Sara scrambled to take her friend into her arms, holding her tightly as Caroline shook in despair. "What's wrong?" Sara asked panicked.
At some point Caroline was able to compose herself and with a shaky voice relayed the nights events to her friend.
To Sara's credit, her face stayed neutral throughout Caroline's confession, but when Caroline had finished Sara let out a rush of breath, as if she'd been holding it throughout Caroline's recap of the evening, but didn't say anything.
"Say something," Caroline pressed.
"Wow," was all Sara could manage.
Caroline felt a fresh wave of tears threaten but she fought to keep them at bay.
"Well," Sara started and Caroline could tell she was trying to figure out how to phrase her next words. "You technically didn't cheat, I mean Pete kissed you, which by the way, I always thought he had kind of a thing for you. At that happy hour you made me go to last year, he kept looking at you."
Caroline lost the fight. The tears began to fall.
"But," Sara quickly said, "Regardless, you put yourself in this situation, so you are not innocent in all this. Yes, it was majorly shitty Sid didn't come to your dinner, but Caroline, come on, let's be grown ups and it's not like he gave some lame excuse, I mean did you really want him to leave that sick boy? Let's have some perspective here."
Seeing the look on her friend's face, Sara continued, "But that's besides the point. Basically, you went a little crazy, made some bad decisions based on emotions and ended up in a situation that is unfortunate. I mean, Caroline, I know you're somewhat naïve but that pedestal you put Pete on in the car, I mean, it was kind of mixed signals."
Caroline began to cry, "I don't even know how to give signals." She said miserably, her hands wringing in her lap.
"Um, you're a female, of course you know signals and I love you Caz, but this innocent 'no guys ever like me so I can say and do anything and it doesn't matter because I have the sex appeal of a squirrel' isn't going to work for you anymore. No matter what you meant by verbal vomiting all over Pete, you had to realize he was going to respond. I mean, what did you think he was going to do?"
Caroline shook her head, she didn't have an answer, but it was a good question. What did she think Pete would do? Just sit there and say thank you and pat her on the head?
"But," Sara continued, looking at her friend with pity, "More importantly, what do you think Sid is going to do when you tell him? You are going to tell him right?" Sara looked at Caroline skeptically.
"Of course!" Caroline said quickly, swiping at her eyes. "I have to, right away. I just don't know what to say. Sara, what if he hates me? What if he breaks up with me? I can't be without him. I just can't. I need him. He's everything to me. I love him and I will die if I lose him. I will."
The tears came faster now and Caroline could barely breathe, choking on her tears.
Sara put her arm around her friend and rubbed Caroline's back gently. "Ok, calm down Juliet. It's going to be ok, you need to get it together though, you're going to make yourself sick. I know it seems really horrible now, but Sid loves you. I know he feels terrible about last night. I'm not going to lie, a guy's ego is fragile, even a superstar like Sid, he's going to be hurt. That's a given. But you have to talk to him, if you don't, it's just going to be so much worse."
"I'm scared." Caroline whispered.
Sara sighed, "I know, but this is life, this is relationships. You guys are solid. You'll get through this." Caroline wished she had Sara's confidence.
"So I'm assuming no Il Pizzaiolo?" Sara asked, referring to their favorite pizza place.
Caroline shook her head, "I cant leave the house...ever."
Sara rolled her eyes. "Ok, scootch over. And for crying out loud put on some clothes. You really look pathetic."
The afternoon was spent with the two friends camped out in Caroline's bed watching cooking shows. They were the safest thing to watch. A Lifetime movie had been put on at commercial and Caroline nearly dissolved into tears at the first sign of any sort of romance. The Barefoot Contessa and delivery pizza was all she could handle.
She had powered up her phone and scrolled through the texts from Sid that started off apologetic then turned worried when he hadn't heard from her in nearly 16 hours. With watery eyes, she texted him that she was fine and not to worry. He responded a little while later explaining that it was a full day but he would call her that night. Butterflies bounced around in her belly at the thought of their conversation. She was terrified.
The afternoon and early evening flew by and before she knew it Sara was hugging her goodbye and Caroline was left alone. With her thoughts. The mindless television had worked for a few hours, but now with the countdown beginning until she spoke to him, Caroline could feel the anxiety grow.
Burrowing under her blankets, Caroline felt numb. She lay there for a few hours, in the silence, her mind ping ponging until it was 8:30 and her phone was ringing, she looked at the caller id, swallowed and pressed accept.
She was coward.
No matter what excuse she gave, she was a coward through and through. She told herself that explaining what happened couldn't be done over the phone. She needed to tell him in person. She told herself that he was anxious about tomorrow's game and he didn't need any distractions to make things worse. She told herself that she needed more time to figure out the best way to tell him. The excuses became flimsier and flimsier and the truth was she was a big fat chicken.
And she was just making it worse.
The conversation had started off awkward. Sid tentative, Caroline a nervous wreck. They danced around last night, Sidney apologized and promised to make it up to her and Caroline had apologized stiffly for not being more understanding. The window was there and instead of jumping through it and dealing with the effects of the fall, she shut it closed and retreated. The conversation turned to mindless, insignificant things. They found themselves accidentally talking over one another and realizing that nothing would be accomplished with the long distance conversation said good night.
That night Caroline lay in bed and wondered if she even deserved him. Would it just be easier to end it? He deserved so much more than this. Every time she thought she'd finally found her place in his life, something happened to yank her back into reality, the world would say, "not so fast, don't you know better than that?" And Caroline would be left fighting to get her place back in line.
Unable to handle it all, she turned to delusionment. She started to tell herself that it was better that she tell him in person. She could look at him, make him understand. She would take everything he had to throw at her, welcoming his anger and his betrayal. She needed him to be mad, to hurt her like she hurt him. She craved it, because right now, she couldn't find any relief in the hatred she felt for herself.
The Penguins won on Sunday night, there would be no repeat of last years debacle. They would now play the Canadians who were proving to be the team to beat this year. Caroline had spent the day like a zombie, going through the motions. Grading papers, cleaning the bathroom. She'd gone to the grocery store at 5 o'clock in the morning, not wanting anyone to see her. She felt like Hester Prynne, walking around with an A emblazoned on her chest, and with one look everyone would know what she had done. But late that afternoon, she had turned on the television and watched the game. Despite half the lineup being out, they looked good and Caroline had texted her congratulations to Sid for winning the series. He'd replied with a thanks and a smile. It was like they were acquaintances exchanging niceties.
Sid flew back late that night, he'd offered to come over, but Caroline had responded that she was tired and she'd see him tomorrow. She would buy herself one more day, then Monday night when they'd made plans to see each other, she would tell him.
If there was anything Caroline was dreading more than seeing Sid, it was seeing Pete at school on Monday. She'd luckily avoided him all morning long, although every where she turned people were smiling widely and congratulating her. Problem was Caroline was too much of a wreck to understand what they were talking about. It was like she was in a kid riding through a tunnel, holding their breath for luck. She just needed to get to the other end so she could breathe again. Her luck ran out just before lunch. The kids were at art and Caroline was working on afternoon lesson plans when she heard a light knock on the frame of her open door. Looking up, she saw Pete framing the door, looking uncharacteristically nervous.
"Hey," he said, his voice absent of its usual light heartedness.
Caroline straightened and praying her voice wouldn't waver and replied with a short "Hello."
"Can you talk?" he asked, his gaze intense, that even twenty feet away, Caroline couldn't find the courage to meet it.
"Um, I've got a lot of stuff to catch up on…" she replied weakly.
Pete looked as uncomfortable as Caroline felt. "Well, I, uh, I just needed a second. I wanted to apologize for what happened in the car-"
Caroline couldn't fathom someone overhearing this conversation, so she leapt from her chair and ushered him in, closing the door behind him.
With just the two of them, the classroom seemed like a closet. It was too close.
Caroline tried to shake it off and gave Pete a weak smile. "You dont have to apologize, its my fault. I was a mess. And I said some things I shouldnt have. It wasn't right to put you in that situation. I'm the one who needs to say I'm sorry"
Pete looked surprised and almost sad.
"Oh, no Caroline, I shouldn't have kissed you." Caroline's face flushed red and Pete looked even more squeamish. "I, uh, I just, well, I, um. I didn't know that you had feelings for me."
Caroline wanted to disappear, she stared at the top of her desk and tried to piece together some response that didn't leave her completely mortified.
"It's just well, I've always liked you Caroline and well, uh, if I had known, maybe things would have been...different. I guess I could have done something about that but you just seemed so serious. Like aloof, kind of…" he trailed off, pausing, then cleared his throat. "Ahem, well I shouldnt have assumed anything and I acted without thinking and I know you're involved now and I just wanted to apologize. I'm sorry." Pete finished clumsily.
Caroline willed herself to meet his eyes and gave a shaky smile, "I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to imply anything the other night. You're a great guy Pete and I appreciate the friendship we have but that's all its ever going to be. I shouldnt have made you think otherwise I hope we can still be friends, you know."
Pete looked mildly surprised, "Is Sid cool with that? I imagine he wants to kick my ass right now." Pete shuddered at the thought.
Caroline flushed again, only this time with shame. "Um, no. N-not at all," she stammered.
Pete's expression turned to curiosity, "What did he say when you told him?"
If Caroline had any sort of experience with anything, she would have told Pete that it really wasn't his business, but instead, caught off guard she found words tumbling out of her mouth before she could stop them. "He was ok with it, once I explained the situation. I mean he was upset, but we talked and it's ok now. He doesn't blame you. Really." The lie came so easily.
Pete looked skeptical but believed her. A smile grew on his face, "So we can forget it ever happened?"
Caroline nodded fervently, "Yes, we can definitely do that."
Pete started to say something but the bell rang, indicating the period was over and Caroline and Pete's respective classes would be returning. Pete gave an awkward wave and headed out of the classroom. He paused in the doorway, then turned around. His face serious.
"He should have been there." he said simply.
Caroline, who had settled back at her desk seat, gathering papers for the next lesson, looked up, startled.
"I'm sorry?"
"Sid. I know it's not my place to say, but you deserved to have him there. It was a big night for you. He should have been there."
Before Caroline could even think of a reply, he was gone.
It was a big night for you.
The words echoed in her ears and then she it all came back to her. Spain. How could she forget? Her stomach lurched at the idea of telling Sid, not only did she kiss another man, in June she would be leaving the country for eight weeks. Was this something they would need to discuss? Would there even be a discussion when he heard what she had done?
Was this it? When everything would change? When two lives were to move in separate directions? Weren't they stronger than that? Or did it even matter with what had happened? Couples fought and worked at staying on course. A bump in the road and she'd gone completely off the cliff. Could she right it? Would she fight?
She had to, there was no other option. Should would go to him tonight and she would make it right.
She would fight.
It was almost 7 o'clock when Caroline found herself staring at Sidney's front door. She'd spent all afternoon mentally preparing herself. She felt like every nerve ending was shot and she was terrified of his reaction, but it was now or never. Mustering up whatever courage she had left, she took a deep breath and knocked.
The seconds felt like hours but finally Sid came to the door and greeted her. He looked perfect. Freshly showered, dressed in lightly pressed charcoal pants and a lightly checked shirt, opened at the collar. His beard had grown a bit longer in the few days since she'd seen him. His hair even longer, curled around his neck and he gave her a hopeful smile. Looking at him she nearly started to cry. Staying strong, she mustered up a smile and stepped inside.
It was dark. Well, not dark, dim. The long hallway that led into the penthouse flickered with candles on side tables and in the distance she could see the dining room table adorned with lit candles, all shapes and sizes. Without a word, Sid's hand closed over hers and he led her down the hall.
Caroline wanted to dig in her heels. Stop whatever was happening. Because what it looked like was something very sweet and very special and she did not deserve either of those things. But his hold was tight and sure and down the rabbit hole she went.
Bringing her to the table, Sid turned towards her and took a deep breath.
"So, I know I let you down."
Caroline started to speak, but Sid stopped her and continued.
"And it kills me that I did, you are my number one, you will always be my number one." He looked at her intensely and Caroline just stared back, silent.
"But what happened the other night, as much as it sucked, it couldn't be avoided. I couldn't say no to that kid. I just couldn't and as disappointed as you were, you knew I couldn't either. And I hate it. I hate hurting you, disappointing you. You asked if it was always going to be this way and the answer is yes. It scares me to tell you that, because I'm so afraid that wont work for you after a while and you will leave. That these disappointments will build and grow and one day it's just not going to be worth it there is nothing I can do about it, except this."
He gestured to the table and Caroline's eyes followed his movements.
Laid out on the table was what could only be described as a feast. Bowls and platters of food set out on a brightly colored tablecloth with bottles of wine mixed it. Sid suddenly moved to the stereo and fiddled with the buttons, suddenly the space was filled with smooth exotic music, he turned around and walked back to her.
Caroline just stared dumbly at it all. Her mind blank, purposely so, because if she allowed herself to think, even for a moment she would fall apart.
"I brought Spain to you. To us."
Caroline stopped breathing. Looked at Sid wildly. Did he know? How did he know?
"H-h-how?" was all she could get out.
Sid smiled, his fingers brushing over hers, tenderly. "The dinner the other night, it was for that partnership with the school in Spain. I thought this would be special. That even though I wasn't there, I could still share the experience with you, a little bit at least. It's all totally authentic. Do you like it?"
The hopefulness of his voice on the last sentence was more than she could take. The tears started to flow, fast and steadily down her cheeks, silent, until a few seconds later the sobs escaped and she covered her mouth trying to silence the sounds of heartbreak.
Sid looked slightly panicked. "Oh Care, please don't cry. It's just take out.." He led her to a seat and crouched down in front of her. Caroline's body shook at the tears just flowed and flowed. Sid, misinterpreting her tears, thumbed her wet cheeks and smiled tenderly at her. "Care, sweetie. Take a deep breath., it's alright. I didn't mean to overwhelm you. Tonight is all about us. And celebrating your accomplishment, I know it's the not the same, but it's not bad, eh?"
Caroline tried to collect herself, salvage some sort of composure.
Fight, fight fight.
She look a few deep breaths and finally was able to get herself together. He was so happy, so hopeful. And she was about to destroy everything.
"Sid." She stared down at him, in front of her.
"I have to tell you something."
A look of uncertainty passed over his perfect features and he moved to the chair next to her. "After dinner?" He asked, looking at the spread, "It's all going to get cold."
Caroline shook her head miserably. "No, it has to be now."
Sid began to look worried. "Caroline, I told you I was sorry. Please, you know that I would have changed it if I could. I swear."
Caroline shook her head quickly, "No, it's not that. I was wrong getting so upset about you not being able to come. It's ok, really it is. I know life is always going to be a little bit different, I realize that now. I'm ok with it."
Relief washed over his face and he waited for her to continue.
Caroline stared at her hands. New tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and she opened her mouth.
There was a knock at the door.
At first she was confused, not sure where the noise was coming from, her mind was mush. She just needed to tell him, then she could think again.
Then Sid gave a look of apology and stood. "Hold that thought," he said and hurried down the hall.
She craned her neck watching him disappear down the dark hall. Then she heard voices. Quiet murmurs that seemed to last forever. Finally the sound of the door closing and she heard footsteps coming closer. It was Sid again, only this time his face wasn't soft, tender, understanding.
It was hard, sharp, angry.
So stood and looked at him, her mouth hanging open and before she could speak, he did. His voice low, cold.
"Caroline, what did you do?"
***author's note: thank you everyone for all your opinions and insight to the last chapter. I enjoyed reading everyone's thoughts and I hope you will keep reading. Truth is Caroline fucked up. Disappointment and bad judgement is a lethal combination along with a wide variety of alcohol. But mistakes get made and that's what this story has been all about. The real stuff. The ugly stuff. Because when you get past the cutesy how we met story, there is the reality (or pretend reality in this case). and reality isn't always pretty. It's people making mistakes and doing stupid stuff because we're all human. So I hope you'll see this thing through with me, your feedback keeps me going, well that and Sid's forearms. Thanks for reading and go Pens!***