It had been the summer after his first year in the NHL. Not even making the playoffs, he'd gone home after the end of the season to visit with family and friends, then in late May traveled west to meet with his agent and sponsors and start his summer routine with Andy. It was then the tradition of spending partial summers in LA began. A few weeks into the visit he'd gone to training session on low impact upper body workouts and met Ashley. Ashley was entering her senior year at UCLA Santa Barbara and was on a swimming scholarship. A true swimmer, she was lean with strong shoulders and slim hips. California born and bred, she was blond with a glowing tan and sparkling blue eyes. Sid was instantly smitten. Up until then, his love life had consisted of a short term relationship at Shattuck and a wide variety of girls in Rimouski. Ashley was not like the Canadian girls of northern Quebec. Where those girls were soft and pale, dark haired and pink cheeked, Ashley was firm, tan, sunkissed...a true California girl. Instantly the two clicked. And so the next few weeks were spent with the two inseparable. They did everything together: workouts, beach, swimming, movies, shopping, dinners. Everything. Including two weeks of great sex. Sid fell hard. Ashley was carefree, funny, the life of the party. Only Sid didn't know how much. It was only into their third week of "hanging out" when Jack came to visit. Best friends in high school Sid and Jack were like brothers. Now, their careers had put them in two different directions, but Jack had been to Los Angeles a number of times and the two friends were hoping to spend some bonding time together. It had started off awkward, they were in such different places. Sidney off to amazing start of a professional hockey career, Jack in college, playing defense for the Michigan Wolverines. hockey team But after a few days together, it was like no time had passed.

There had been a party, at some rookie pitcher for the Dodger's house. A who's who of the youngest, richest and best in their fields. Athletes, actors and the hottest college girls Sid had ever seen. He spent most of the night trying to hook Jack up with a hot brunette who did hurdles for Cal State. But Sid had gotten pulled away. With an apologetic smile he'd left his friend to talk workout regiments with Andy's newest protege. When he got back, Jack was gone. Sid hoped Jack had scored with the track star and set out to look for his new girlfriend. He and Ashley hadn't put "labels" on the relationship (her words) but it was pretty much a done deal. Sipping from the red solo cup he weaved through the partygoers, stopping as he was pulled in a hundred different directions. Finally he made it to the back of the house, staggered out onto the patio, near the pool.

Her bikini top was off. Her breast covered by Jack's meaty hand. They were stretched out on a chaise lounge. Jack's head buried in Ashley's neck, her head thrown back, eyes closed. They didn't notice Sid at first, but then she opened her eyes and saw him standing there. The confusion, the hurt, the betrayal, all over his face.

She'd made excuses. They never said that they were exclusive, right? Jack hadn't even asked her name. He'd heard about Ashley from Sid, but never laid eyes on the girl. Whatever the explanations, it didn't matter. He didn't see Ashley after that night. Jack and he remained friends, but it was strained. Jack always tried so hard to keep the friendship going, partially because of the guilt he felt but it was never the same after that.

When Sid got back to Pittsburgh the following Fall, it was different, where the first season he'd spent all his time focused on the ice, this season his eye started to wander. The girls came easily and he got into a nice routine of detached sex. Just having fun. Not getting emotionally invested. He was too young, too good looking, too goddamn rich and famous for love. He'd made an exception for Lila and look where that had gotten him. Back to the pool he'd dove until the most unexpected person had come into his life. And now it was happening all over again.

He excused himself politely when Mrs. Hammond announced that she was too old to be out this late in a place like this and was going to head home. He craned his neck to see Caroline and saw that she was surrounded by her colleagues. It was a good time to hit the men's room.

He was just heading into the washroom, when Pete emerged. Sid was in too good of a mood to mind. He smiled at Caroline's co-worker and said hello.

Pete looked surprised, then panicked for a second, then relaxed. His eyes were a little glazed over and his face flushed.

"Hey Sid," Pete replied. "How's it going man?"

"Not bad, you know, could be better, but what can you do?" Sid replied easily referring to the abrupt end of his season.

Pete looked uncomfortable, "Yeah, man. I'm really sorry about what happened. You have no idea how bad I feel."

Sid appreciated Pete's sympathy. "Thanks, it was tough, but I'll get over it."

Pete nodded, relief on his face, "You're amazing dude, I mean, I can't tell you how glad I am to hear you say that."

Sid cocked his head slightly, he had the strangest feeling something was off.

"I mean, it meant nothing. Caroline felt so terrible and she told me you were cool with it, but I wasn't sure, I mean you could kick my ass for kissing your girlfriend, but instead you-"

"What?" Sid's voice cut into Pete's alcohol induced rambling.

Pete stopped. His mouth frozen open in mid word.

"What did you say?" Sid asked, his voice rising.

Pete tried to recover, "Car-car-caroline told me she told you," Pete stuttered. "It was my fault, we were drunk and she was saying all these things and she was so upset because you weren't there. And it was a mistake. I swear, I thought you knew."

Everything stopped. Sid blinked, once, twice.

Pete didn't seem to know how to stop talking, "and she stopped it immediately, I wasn't thinking…"

"When?" Sid forced his voice to stay even.

Pete stared at the superstar, "The night of the banquet. The one you bailed on. When she won the award, the trip. She was all alone, man." Pete seemed to discover some sort of buzzed boldness. "She was devastated you didn't show up."

Sid tried to process what Pete was saying. A lump formed in the pit of his stomach and his mind raced as what Pete was saying began to permeate his brain.

"Trip?" Sid said dumbly.

"She should tell you." Pete replied curtly.

Sid lunged towards the man, and Pete took a quick step back. "Spain, man. For the summer, she won the trip through the grant, the one she was working on for the school."

Sidney thought he would throw up. The image of Caroline in Pete's arms conjured up in his mind. Her lips pressed against his, her soft body molded into Pete's. Her fingers tangled in Pete's hair, clutching the way she would with Sid. And trip? They'd spent the week talking about their summer plans, Spain had never come up.

She'd lied to him.

No, not past tense. She was lying to him. Right now. Presently.

As he tried to process it all, he saw Pete's eyes flicker past him and Sid turned.

She stood there, a deer in headlights. Frozen. Like the first night they met, when they were strangers.

And that's how he felt right now. Like she was a stranger.

How could she do this? It was all he could think. Since that night, they'd seen one another. They'd talked, they'd kissed, they'd had sex. And never, not once had she said anything.

He looked at her and knew instantly it was all true. And the hurt came. It came fast and sharp and it nearly knocked him off his feet. And he couldn't let himself feel it. Not here , not now. Not with all these people here and not with her looking at him so pathetically.

He moved fast, his acute senses dulled as his mission was to get out of that bar, immediately.

He heard her voice and he hated it.

So he kept going.

She stood there for half a second, the reality drowning her. Then she took off after him.

Running through the group of people she focused on the exit he'd gone through just moments before.

Out on the street she saw his retreating back.

"Sid!" she yelled through the crowd on the busy street of south side in May.

A number of heads turned her way and she wished his name wasn't his name for once.

She ignored the stares and called after him again. He was moving too fast and didn't seem to even pause at her calling him amidst all these people.

She moved faster watching him turn the corner and prayed that no one would follow them.

She finally caught up to him on the quiet side street where he'd parked his car. He'd reached his door when, she gave one final strangled call, the tears finally coming as the severity of the moment consumed her.

"Sid."

He rounded on her and she stopped, took a step back. His face a visage of fury.

"You were never going to tell me." It wasn't a question.

"I tried." Caroline replied quickly.

"You're lying." His voice was clipped.

Caroline shook her head violently. "I swear I did, but you were so upset with me. I was afraid, I was so afraid that you wouldn't forgive me. It was so stupid. Such a stupid stupid mistake. Please, I am so sorry."

"So, you'd rather your boyfriend Pete tell me instead?"

He watched the tears roll down her red cheeks.

"No. Of course not. I didn't think…" she searched for the right words.

"You thought you'd get away with it." His eyes narrowed and his mouth, the mouth that she loved so much was set tight, looking foreign and resentful.

"No."

He scoffed and turned back to the Range Rover.

"Have fun in Spain." he spat, the words spoiled and rotten.

Caroline paled.

"Sid, please let me explain."

"No."

His hand was on the handle the door was opening. This was it. He was leaving. It was over.

"Please," Caroline begged, her voice shrill and pleading.

The desperation in her voice gave him pause.

"Sid, please just talk to me." Her voice was tortured, the pain more than she could bear.

He turned and a glimmer of hope blossomed.

But the hope died as his face was masked in judgement and betrayal. His eyes flat and empty.

"Talk to you? I can't even look at you."

And then he was in his car and he was gone and all she could do was stand there and watch her life disappear down the street and out of view

She couldn't tell you what happened in the hours that followed. She suspected she stood there for a good while crying, as she felt herself fall apart piece by piece. She somehow went back and got her purse and coat, but didn't speak to anyone. Then she was home. Everything looked different, as if these weren't her things, this wasn't her house, this wasn't her life.

She curled up on the couch and stared at the wall, the tears swimming but unable to fall. In her mind, somewhere in the far reaches of her brain a tiny part of her had thought that maybe if he'd found out she'd feel relief. Not a lot, but just an iota of alleviation from the guilt that had weighed on her for the past few weeks. But the relief wasn't there. Just absolute sadness. And then the exhaustion came and her eyes became heavy.

The hollowness was the first thing she felt when she woke. This time around there was no moment of blissful ignorance. No, reality was there before she even drifted back into consciousness as the sun was just peeking from the horizon and through her curtains. She rose from the couch, her clothes from the night before were twisted around her body, it couldn't be later than 5:30. She walked mindlessly to the bathroom and on the way back out she caught her reflection in the mirror.

She looked terrible. Blotchy cheeked and eyes red rimmed. But more than that was for the first time in weeks, she looked at herself. Really looked at herself. The drawn lines around her mouth and the dullness of her eyes were just surface. What Caroline noticed when she looked at herself in the mirror was just how unrecognizable she was.

This wasn't her. This wasn't who she was.

How had it happened?

She argued with herself, "you know exactly how this happened."

She'd always rolled her eyes at the love sick couples in high school. The ones who'd lament in front of her Trig classroom door, waxing poetically about how on earth would they get through the next 50 minutes apart. She hadn't understood why friends in college had to check with boyfriends before heading to the coffee shop for open mic night, especially when said boyfriends had plans already. And she thought it was ridiculous that Sara would put up with Shane's inability to string together a coherent sentence for the first six months of their relationship.

All of it just seemed stupid to her.

But she had become one of them. She understood now. And to be honest, she hated it. She hated what she had become. She'd spent her life on her own, independent from a guy and lived a very happy life. She hadn't gone on the internet to find someone to take her to the movies or write her love letters, she'd gone on the internet to have sex, satisfy that one part of her life that was missing. Everything else she could take care on her own. But she'd fallen in love and somewhere along the line she'd become dependant. And it scared the shit out of her some days. But she was happy. She felt complete. She finally understood that stupid scene in Jerry Maguire. But now, she'd lost herself, who she was, her principles and morals and the fabric of what made her, her. She was so worried that she'd lose herself in his world, that she didn't think that she'd lose herself in her own world. It didn't take his fancy house or big paycheck for her to compromise who she was. It wasn't the suffocating fear of becoming Mrs. Sidney Crosby that had changed her. No pressure or expectations had altered her being. No it was her own actions. It was just wanting someone to text when she was sitting in the dentist office, someone to tell funny work stories to at the end of the day. It was ordering the dinner special for two at Nicky's Thai and actually having two people to eat it, instead of just her. She'd lost herself because she was afraid that she couldn't go back. Go back to being alone. More than that, she couldn't go back to being without him. But this wasn't some fairy tale, this was real life and there were consequences to actions. Consequences she had to deal with.

As she stared and tried to find some semblance of the person she had been, she heard a noise. So slight so quiet, but the early morning stillness allowed her to hear the nearly imperceptible sound of her front door opening. Not thinking, she rushed out of her bathroom and down the hall, her head peeking around the corner to see where the noise was coming from.

The sight nearly broke her.

There was Sid, crouched down unclasping the metal door on Eliot's cage, freeing the feline.

She emerged from the hallway and as he stood he saw her.

His face hardened immediately.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Your cat can't stay at my house," he said gruffly.

"I know. I thought you'd be gone, I was going to get him today," she replied softly.

"I changed my flight to this morning. I wasn't in any condition to fly last night." The clip in his voice cut the air.

She kept her distance.

"I'm so sorry." She said, her eyes dry for once. If there was anyway to repair this relationship, she needed to grow up.

"I don't want to hear it. You're always sorry Caroline." He said sharply, his voice taking on that scolding tone he was prone to.

"I made a stupid mistake and I hurt you by not telling you." Caroline started evenly. Her legs were shaking so badly that she tried to lock her knees so not to draw attention to her trembling.

"It was more than a stupid mistake. How could you not tell me? How could you lie to me and then for me to find out in the most humiliating way possible? Do you have any idea how that feels?" His voice cracked and Caroline felt a grapefruit sized lump form in the back of her throat. Mad she could handle, but not this. She wasn't strong enough.

You have to be. A voice piped in.

"Sid, I was so afraid that you wouldn't understand. That this would be too much and you would leave me. I was afraid that with the end of the season and you leaving for the summer, that you would realize that I wasn't enough, especially when I could hurt you so badly."

"Nothing could hurt me more than what happened last night. Caroline, this is so much worse than anything you could have ever told me. I could forgive a kiss, I know you love me and we all do stupid things sometimes, but to hide it, to lie to me. Deceive me. I just never thought you were capable of something like that."

The panic began to set in and Caroline grew frantic, "I tried Sid, I tried to tell you that night the article came out...and you were so upset that I thought this would be something we couldn't come back from."

He stared at her. He looked equally terrible she observed. His face looked heavy, his eyes dull and lifeless. They stood only six feet from one another, but it felt so much larger. And the air, the air held such sadness.

"I feel sick when I think about you and Pete...together. I can't stomach it, I really can't. But after time and talking it out, I would have gotten over it. But Caroline, in my life, in my work, in who I am, there is one thing I have to have. Its non-negotiable. It's trust. I have to have trust, otherwise I have nothing. And that was the first thing about you I fell in love with, was your honesty. That you couldn't hide anything, even if you tried. That I could trust you 100%, no matter what and now that's gone. The trust is gone and that I don't think we can come back from."

"It's not," Caroline implored, her eyes pleading. "I know I broke our trust and it was a terrible thing, but Sid, your well being is everything to me. I was just trying to protect you...protect us. That night, was terrible for me. I know there are sacrifices I have to make and I'll do it, because being with you makes up for everything I have to give up. But when I won...and I was alone, it hurt, it just hurt so bad. I made terrible decisions and I will spend my life making that up to you. Please let me show you, that I'm still that person you fell in love with. Please, I love you."

"It's not just Pete, though. Why couldn't you tell me about Spain?" He wouldn't budge an inch.

"I was afraid." Caroline started.

Sid threw up his hands in frustration and turned away.

"I know, you're sick of hearing that. I know. I was wrong. I thought that everything in the summer was so uncertain that this would just make it so much more complicated. So I decided not to go. I told Mr. Dixon. This week. It wasn't a lie. I was...am so excited to spend the summer with you. I'm willing to make that sacrifice, so that we can be together." Caroline gave a weak smile, hoping that she could convince him to understand.

A sad look came over his face and his body sagged noticeably. "Don't you see how wrong that is?" he asked tiredly.

Caroline was growing frustrated. Surely he could understand where she was coming from...everything in his life was so uncertain, she made the commitment to stay with him no matter what, didn't that count for something.

"It's not wrong, it's what I wanted." she argued.

"But Caroline," Sid started.

"It was my decision. You don't get it, I couldn't risk being away from you all summer."

"Risk?" his face screwed up in irritated confusion

Caroline's mind was becoming jumbled, "No not risk, that wasn't the right word. I couldn't leave you alone all summer."

"Leave me alone?" He was angry again. "I think its been proven that you're the one who has issues with being alone." Sid was referring to the Pete debacle but the words hit a nerve.

"You don't understand," Caroline shouted, things were escalating so quickly.

"No, Caroline I don't." He was shouting too. "I don't understand how you continue to be the victim in everything that happens with our relationship. There's just never any clear cut reason for something happening. There is always some story, some drama and I have to be honest it exhausts me."

Caroline looked at Sid dumbfounded, surely he couldn't be serious. "Exhausts you? Do you know how hard this is?" she yelled, flailing her arms about. "How hard it is to live up to your standards, your expectations of how people are supposed to be? You may have been programmed since birth to be perfect, but not all of us have Troy Crosby breathing down our necks every second that we can't make a single mistake or we'll be disowned!"

She'd gone too far. She knew it as the words were coming out, but maybe he was right. She was dramatic and this just proved it.

Sid's body was taut, every muscle coiled up with tension and Caroline was afraid he would just explode. But he didn't. He took a moment, then spoke, his voice ice. "Don't talk about things you have no understanding of. You have no idea what my life is like."

"I don't? What have we been doing the last six months? You think you have crafted this persona but I see through it, you've let me see through it and now because your hurt, you throw up all these walls. You talk about being honest? Be honest with me. don't judge me or scold me like I'm some child. Talk to me like a person, like a partner, not like I'm some reporter who asked the wrong question."

Sid was silent, then turned, "I have a flight to catch."

"No." Caroline was becoming unglued. He couldn't leave now. She crossed the room and grabbed at his shoulder.

"Don't touch me!" he shouted, as he whirled around and jerked her hand off him.

Caroline took a step back, her eyes wide.

"I think we should break up."

"Sid."

He shook his head, "I can't do this anymore. It all just hurts too much. I don't know what's best for us, but I know this isn't it. I think people and relationships happen for a reason and at a certain time in our lives and then they run their course. And I think that's where we are now. I think I've known that for a while and I just didn't want to believe it. I think you have too." Even as he said the words, he knew they didn't seem real, seem right. But right now, what choice was there?

Caroline was numb. She wanted to fall to her knees, beg him not to do this, but she wouldn't, couldn't. This was the gamble she'd taken and she'd lost. The girl in the mirror deserved better. Somehow she had to find her way back to that person she was proud to be. She could argue with him, but maybe he was right. If this was the best for him, she'd do it. It was the least she could do.

"Ok." Caroline said in a small voice and a slight nod.

Sid thought he'd feel relief but instead he felt suffocated. His throat felt as if it was closing up.

Clearing his throat awkwardly, he seemed lost as what to do next.

Then in a broken voice, Caroline spoke, "Please go."

He felt the prick at the corners of his eyes and didn't know if he should embrace her. Touch her, one last time.

He took a step forward and Caroline's face crumpled.

"Sid, I really need you to go." The tears were flowing quickly, as she wrapped her arms around herself, hugging her midsection tightly.

He nodded and left quickly.

He pretended he didn't hear the loud sob that came from the other side of the door. Swiping at his own eyes, he walked purposely towards his car.

He had a flight to catch.

***authors note: well this sucks. I usually like break ups because the payout of the getting back together makes it worth it, but this time I just don't know. Oh well, forge ahead. sorry for delay, moving into my own place and holidays and work has made life crazy. Sorry this depressing chapter comes at Christmas, but we can only go up at this point...right? Happy holidays everyone and go pens!***