The puck floated effortlessly onto his tape and as softly it fell up against his stick, Sid pulled back at hammered it towards the net. It caught the upper left corner and dropped into the net before the goalie even knew it was coming. Sid made a fist and pulled his elbow back, enjoying the small celebration with a goal that ended the three on three scrimmage that had taken up most of his afternoon. He was a week into his California trip and so far his schedule had been merciless. After the scrimmage, he had a hiking and drills session planned with Andy and some of the guys in Runyon Canyon. That would go into the early evening, giving him just enough time to scarf down some dinner, then head out for another pick up game over at the Kings practice facility. Afterwards some conditioning, then back to the Santa Monica house he rented when he came to town for a good night sleep, before he was up at five to run on the beach before he headed back to the rink for drills and another pick up game.
Only they weren't.
Good night sleeps that is. He crafted this schedule the left him bonelessly exhausted, a schedule that didn't allow him to take a breath, let alone think. His schedule was brutal from dawn to dark, designed not to let his mind wander to that place. That place he didn't want to go to. The place where the hurt, anger and utter sadness was suffocating. But no matter how physically, emotionally and mentally worn out he was, at the end of the day, each night was the same. He would lay in the dark, sleep cleverly elusive and his mind would go there. To her. He hated it, but it happened anyway. Lying there his mind would conjure up her face and as soon as he saw her familiar and once beloved smile, the image would morph and he'd see two people. Locked in embrace, their mouths fused together. The soft brown waves he'd grown accustom of delving his long fingers into would instead build a curtain around her and another. And he'd watch helplessly, the image so much worse in his mind than what probably occurred but nevertheless excruciating. As much as he resisted he would think of what happened with her and Pete and the string of lies that followed. The worst part was not knowing exactly how it all happened. He told himself, he didn't need to know. It didn't matter how, all that mattered was that it had and the deceit that she created afterwards just blew his mind. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. It wasn't her, it wasn't who his sweet Car...it wasn't who she was. But somehow, someway she was capable of it and that had to be a deal breaker. At the end of the day he just couldn't be with someone who would lie to him. Not in this world he lived in. There were moments when he'd get a nagging feeling. A tug in the far reaches of his mind, a fight where his heart battled with his head, trying to remind him that there were moments when maybe she did try to tell him. He'd lived in such a fog during that final week of the playoffs and the week that followed that it was hard to exactly remember. But her pleas that he know that she had tried lingered. But as soon as they came, he would push them away. She should have tried harder. He needed her to have tried harder.
Eventually he'd fall into a fitful sleep and more often than not he'd dream about her. In his dreams, they were happy. Together. And even when they weren't she'd show up every where in his subconsious. He really thought he'd lost it when he'd dreamt he was back at his elementary school in Cole Harbour and walking down the hallway, he'd seen her teaching in one of the classrooms. The sun filtering into the classroom, casting her in an ethereal glow, as he watched her float around the room, gesturing wildly, a smile on her face. But when she'd turned to look out into the hallway, her face had morphed into Lila's. It had woken him. He'd shot out of bed, just like in the movies and it had taken some time to get back to bed. And morning came quickly and he welcomed it gladly. He hated the night.
His friends were worried, but didnt say anything. They kept it light. No talk about the playoffs that had continued without him, in a spectacularly exciting fashion. Chicago had just clinched the western conference finals and would head to the Stanley Cup Finals against the Canadiens. He'd read the results on his phone, but that was as close as he was willing to get. He hadn't watched a game, which was how he wanted it. In the span of just a few weeks, he'd lost his hockey season and his girlfriend. And he felt lost.
There were the days, or moments when he'd regret what he said in her house that early morning that had only been a week ago, but felt like months. The utter defeat on her face, when he told her that it was over. She hadn't put up a fight at that point. She knew. But still sometimes he wondered, if he could swallow all that betrayal and just forget it, jump on a plane and spend the entire summer in Pittsburgh or Ohio or the moon if he had to, just so he could be with her again. Forget everything. Clean slate. But then the hurt he pushed so far down would bubble up and the anger would return and it would hurt all over again. And it was enough for him to know that this was for the best. That was the hardest part about a break up, the constant internal struggle, the wanting to forget right and wrong, forget dignity and self respect, forget how bad you feel and just forgive and move on. But it wasn't that easy, because the stronger part of you knows you can't do that and live with yourself. That in all this mess, you have to be true to yourself because if you're not, you start to hate yourself and then you start to hate the other person for making you hate yourself...and then its all shit.
But it didn't change the fact that he missed her. He missed her so fucking bad. Everything felt so incomplete. There were the typical break up things they had yet to do. Her number still was in his phone. Photos of the two of them filled a folder on his Blackberry. His nearly packed up apartment back in Pittsburgh still held odds and ends of hers. He was sure he had a bunch of stuff at her house too. They hadn't spoken obviously, but in those weak moments he had stared at her contact information. So much, that even if he did delete her, her number was carved in his mind. Part of him had wondered if she'd call. Try to explain once again what had happened. But in this week, this miserable week, there hadn't been a word. And it was fine, he was to busy to worry about it. He'd just stick to this ridiculous schedule and one day it wouldn't hurt anymore. One day he'd go out with the guys, pick up a girl at a bar, a blond...tall and thin. He'd fuck her and then it would be over. He'd be over her and the past year would be just a memory, a blip in time. He ignored the fact that the idea of this made him physically sick to his stomach. At some point he'd get over it...right?
As he entered his second week into the LA trip, his old teammate and friend Mike Comrie invited him over for dinner. Sidney had immediately declined, but Mike wouldn't take no for an answer. So Sid found himself sitting at the dinner table awkwardly making conversation with his friend and movie star wife. As the missus balanced a baby on her lap, Mike bravely broached the subject, extending his support to his friend.
It was awful. Sad smiles and comforting pats on the shoulder.
Everyone went through it, they said. Each day it will hurt a little bit less. You'll bounce back, they said. In the end it was decided the guys would go out for a few beers, as this emotional intervention was as awkwardly uncomfortable as it could get. He didn't want to go out. Sure, LA was nice because he wasn't approached nearly as much as in Pittsburgh or back home, nevertheless he just didn't want to see people. He didn't want to be...on. But he relented, knowing that at least he was a small fish in a big pond and he'd be left alone.
They went to some edgy place near Mike's Hollywood Hills house. The lounge was chill, different than the dive bars of Pittsburgh. This place was elite, dripping with excess and money. There were other celebrities there, no one huge, but enough that he was clearly not the most exciting person there.
While the two friends sat across one another in uncomfortable modern couches they had a couple beers, Mike lamented about the difficulty of marriage and keeping the spice alive after a new baby. Sid tried desperately not to check his watch, praying the minutes would tick away so that he could be out of this place and away from talking, from thinking. It was so much easier just to not think. Sid officially decided to call it a night when Mike confessed to his friend that he and Hilary were in marriage counselling. Sid was all about being there for friends, but this was more than he could take right now. He had nothing to offer anyone, especially not emotional support. He stood and apologetically explained to his friend that he was going to make it an early night. The words were barely out of his mouth, when something caught his eye...or rather someone. The shock of blond hair was unmistakable and Sid felt his throat go dry. Abruptly he sat back down, stock still, hopeful she hadn't seen him. But he should have known better, because not a second later he heard that light drawl call out his name, and in a quick few strides she stood in front of him. Her hair and makeup flawless, the polished smile plastered all over her face.
"Sidney, darlin', it has been too long. Don't just sit there sweetness, give me a hug!"
And as he looked up at Lila's beauty pageant smile, he groaned inwardly at how much more his life could suck.
It happened not even an hour after he left. Caroline hadn't moved from the spot on the floor, the spot she'd fallen to and wept over the loss of the most important person, the most important time in her life. If she thought she knew what pain was, she realized now, she had no idea. No clue how complete and utter despair felt. He was gone, it was over. That was it. It hadn't mattered how horrible and regretful she had felt when the kiss with Pete happened. It hadn't mattered how hard she tried to tell Sid the truth. It hadn't mattered how delusional she had made herself to think keeping it from him was a good idea. It hadn't mattered that she tried to do everything she thought was the best way to keep him. All that mattered was it had happened and there was a right way to deal with it and she had taken the easy way out. And now she paid the price.
Her thoughts were broken by the sound of her doorbell ringing and for a second a new hope blossomed, had he come back? Was he willing to talk this out? Would she get the second chance she wanted so desperately? Standing, Caroline hurried to the door and swung it open, hoping to see his familiar face, even if it was soaked in hurt and betrayal. She would, she could, right this wrong.
It wasn't Sid at the door. No, instead of his broad frame filling the entrance of her doorway there were reporters. About seven of them, all huddled on her small stoop. Vans too. Filling her driveway and parked in front of her house. The questions came at rapid fire and threw her totally off guard. It wasn't even 7:00 a.m.
"Caroline, care to comment on reports that you and Sidney Crosby are ending your relationship?"
"Miss Reid, can we get your comment on the video that has gone viral, showing a very public argument between you and Mr. Crosby outside a south side bar last night?"
"Is it true that you're pregnant, but uncertain who the father is?
Caroline's head whipped from reporter to reporter, the enormity of the situation clouding her senses and leaving her disoriented. The questions came one after the other, each more ridiculous than the next. Caroline didn't know how to answer them, didn't want to. She just stood there, frozen. Finally the questions stopped and everyone just stared at her, their microphones shoved aggressively in her face. Somehow Caroline found her voice, and quietly and shakily she spoke, "Leave me alone. Please just leave me alone."
She was back in her house, slamming the door shut and locking the deadbolt. She was shaking all over. She had to get out of here. She had to leave. And not just her house, she had to leave Pittsburgh. For good. She couldn't do this. Not when her life choices continued to be paraded all over the city. It was one thing when she had Sid with her. But she couldn't do this alone. She couldn't stay here. And it would get so much worse. When fall came, he would be back and once again his presence would permeate the city. He would be everywhere and she couldn't bear it.
With trembling fingers, Caroline dialed her local police department. Within fifteen minutes a patrol car pulled up to her address and the reporters who lingered on her porch dispersed. The officer was very nice and suggested that Caroline find friends to stay with for a few days, until the news died down. Evidently last night's theatrics had indeed gone viral and the city was buzzing about the personal life of their beloved prince and his unlikely princess. He was gone, Caroline thought bitterly. He doesn't have to worry about any of this. He's twenty thousand feet in the air, traveling 3000 miles away from this circus.
She packed quickly as the plan formed in her mind. She would go home. They were expecting her anyway this weekend. Only she would stay. She could use vacation time for the remaining year, there were only a few weeks left. She was too humiliated to look at her coworkers anyway, not when they knew what happened. She could move in with her parents and over the summer search for a job in Cleveland or Akron. Start over. Start fresh. Leave all this behind.
It was time. It was time to go home.
He was stuck. As soon as Lila sat down, she started talking and now nearly an hour later, she hadn't stopped. It was surreal. Staring at this person, who had once meant so much to him. He hadn't loved her, but for a long time he'd been pretty infatuated. Now he couldn't think of a single reason why. She told him all about Japan, the soap opera, her celebrity status in Tokyo. She told him about how she'd just moved back to LA, her experience in Japan giving her the confidence and resume to give Hollywood a shot again. She'd gone on and on about Southern California real estate and don't get her started on the traffic. Ironically Mike was able to make his exit, shortly after Lila got started on the perils of finding a good head shot photographer in town, leaving Sid alone with the vapid beauty. Eventually Lila paused long enough to ask Sid how he was. He stared at the woman and opened his mouth to answer fine, but to his horror, that wasn't what came out. What came out, what poured out of him was everything. Caroline, the season, the proposal, the end of his season, the breakup. It was like he was possessed. Like someone else had taken over his body, his mouth and the filter was gone and he couldn't stop. Not for anything. It just kept coming.
And to his great amazement, when it was all over, when he'd gotten it all out, he actually felt better. Lila just stared at him, the entire time. And when he was done, a small smile came across her face, and Sid wondered for a second if this was what exes did. That after you'd shared a part of your life with another person, that the person somehow could become a reference point for other relationships in your life. That somehow seeing Lila tonight was what he needed to expel everything that had been bottled up all week. Because he didn't care about her anymore, there wasn't a single part of him that felt anything for her other than being a receptacle for the emotional waste that was filling him up.
He definitely thought too much of people. That was a proven fact, as Lila's smile grew more intimate and her manicured hand found its way onto his thigh. He stared at her hand, as it lightly clutched the jean covered muscle. Then he looked dumbly back at her, "Well, Sidney, it sounds like to me, that you are very much a single man. And lucky for you," she leaned in towards him, "I'm a very much single girl. What do you say? Should we get out of here, for old times sake?"
Sid stared at his ex-girlfriend, dumbfounded by the turn of events. Then he wasn't dumbfounded. He was disgusted.
He moved his leg away from her hand and stood up abruptly.
It was all such bullshit. All of it. So fake. The land of the emotionally vacant. He was a fool to tell her anything, that was all on him. Any notion he had that she would serve as some form of therapy in the train wreck that was his love life was severely misguided. How could he continue to be fooled?
Suddenly he had to get out of there. Away from Lila, away from this bar, away from LA. This had been a mistake. Trying to distract himself in training, convince himself that avoiding his life was the only way to fix it. It was more of the same. At some point he had to deal with it. Not just Caroline. All of it. At some point the disappointments in his life couldnt be fixed with excessive amounts of hockey or general avoidance all together. If he was going to heal, if he was going to learn anything about the experiences his life afforded him, he was going to have to just deal with it.
And Los Angeles was definitely not the place for it.
He didnt even try to give Lila a decent excuse, he just mumbled that he had to go, dropped a few bills on the table and was out the door.
By morning he'd cancelled all his training sessions. Luckily he'd gotten all his agent and sponsor meetings done when he'd first arrived. No, it was time to get away from all of this and get his life back together. It was time to heal, to learn to be better, to accept that life didn't always turn out the way you wanted, and that was okay, you roll with the punches.
Yes, it was time for him to meet life's challenges head on.
It was time to go home.
Caroline turned onto the familiar road and pulled up to the white split level house with the peeling shutters. Her mother's garden was in full bloom as May was quickly winding down. She didn't see the beat up Jeep that her brothers shared, indicating they hadnt arrived home yet. It wasnt even noon. So much had happened and it wasnt even noon.
She debated how much she would tell her parents when she arrived, but as she let herself into her childhood home, she found her mom busy in the kitchen making lunch, as her dad sat at the kitchen table, bent over the newspaper, working on the crossword. As soon as they greeted her, Caroline's face crumpled and those always dependable tears came fast and steady.
Her mom held her for a long time, whispered nonsensical soothing words to her only daughter. Eventually Caroline pulled back, wiped her nose and her eyes and told them everything. She'd always been so private with her feelings and experiences, that it felt foreign to unload so much upon her parents. To their credit, they stayed quiet and listened patiently. She broke down a few times but her mom would hold her hand, her dad would rub her back and she kept going. Finally she came to the end of the story and announced her plans to move back to Steubenville and start fresh.
Her parents exchanged glances and Caroline panicked that maybe they wouldn't let her stay here. She did have some money saved up, maybe she could find an apartment.
"Sweetie," her mom said softly, as her father quietly excused himself from the room. "Don't make any big decisions right now, you're in a very fragile place right now. I know it seems like your world is crumbling right now, but give it a few days. Things always look better after a few days of processing it all."
Caroline shook her head, "I can't go back there Mom. I can't. It hurts too much. You don't understand, I'm a joke there. I just want to forget all of it."
"You want to forget Sidney?" her mom asked quietly.
Caroline's eyes welled up. She wanted to say yes. Yes, she had hurt him so much and he was better off without her. That it was easy to just pretend it all had never happened. But she couldn't. Caroline shook her head, "No, but I just want him to know that I never meant for this to happened."
"But it did." her mother replied.
Caroline nodded. "If I could take it back I would. I want so much to just rewind and start over. Do it the right way, no matter what the consequences are."
Her mom's arm came around Caroline's shoulders.
"Life doesn't work that way," Mrs. Reid said softly. "We're human, imperfect people, who make mistakes. But its not the mistakes who define us, it's how we right the wrongs we made that determine a person's character, their worth. I know you're sorry Caroline, Sidney knows you're sorry. You're an amazing young woman who is kind and loyal, caring and compassionate. No one doubts that, but you made a mistake and instead of righting the wrong, you chose more wrongs. But you can still right your wrongs, they just might not have the result you want."
Caroline sniffled, "What do you mean?"
"You can make things right, but you have to be prepared that it might not be enough. But you cant control how the other person reacts, all you can control is you."
Caroline felt the tears start up again, "Mom, I got so lost. I don't know how it happened but I just...I just became someone I didn't like. And I'm afraid that I can't find my way back."
Wendy wiped a tear from her daughter's cheek, "I don't believe that for a minute, you are the strongest person I know, you'll find your way back and I can tell you with certainty, you will be a better person because of it."
Caroline sat for a few minutes, her thoughts swirling her mind. Finally she spoke, "I'm going to miss him so much." Her voice broke on the last word.
Mrs. Reid gathered Caroline into her arms, "I know dear, I know."
The air smelled different in Canada. Sid couldn't quite put his finger on what it was, but it was definitely different.
His father met him at the airport. There was the usual autograph session by passer-bys but they made it to the car in relatively short time.
The drive home was typical. Troy was surprised to see his son so much sooner than planned. Nevertheless, he'd already set up some meetings with the foundation board members and had a number of contacts ready to take Sid's call to set up a training schedule in Halifax. As his father droned on and on, Sid stayed quiet, watching the Canadian landscape rush by.
Trina and Taylor were waiting on the front porch when he and his dad pulled up the long driveway of his lake house. The family had planned a nice dinner at Sid's place, Trina had been cooking all his favorites all afternoon.
He greeted his mom and sister warmly, happy to be surrounded by loving and familiar faces. Even, Sam was excited to see her rarely seen owner, as she jumped up on Sid and licked his face eagerly.
He unpacked his stuff, his trusty hockey gear dropped off in the spacious mud room off the kitchen. He was eager to talk to Taylor, hear how her year had ended. She would be off to a number of camps all summer, so it was nice to have this time to catch up. He kept the conversation focused on his family. Asking about aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins. There would be time for the whole extended family to get together, this was time for just the four of them to be together, especially since it so rarely happened.
In no time, the family was sitting around the large dining room table. Sid ignored the pang in his heart, as he had thought when this time had come, Caroline would be with him.
As if his mother had ESP, she spoke, "Sid, honey, how is Caroline? Does she know when she'll be able to make it up?"
He hadn't told his family about the break up. He'd barely spoken to them since he'd arrived in California and he was putting off the conversation, mostly because it just hurt too much to talk about it. But now that he had unloaded on Lila, it seemed a little bit easier to get out the words, without feeling like he'd burst into tears.
Sid wiped his mouth with his napkin and cleared his throat, "We...um, we aren't seeing each other anymore."
Trina gasped and Taylor dropped her fork, a loud "what?" piercing the air.
"Oh, Sid." Trina started.
Sid put up his hand, "I don't really want to talk about it. We grew apart, that's all."
"That's impossible," Taylor said bewildered.
Sid's features grew tight, "Believe me, it's quite possible."
"There's no way," Taylor continued. "She was the one, I know she was Sid. What did you do?"
The hurt was still as raw today as it was when she'd stood in front of him confirming the betrayal, so he didn't need Taylor insinuating that it had been his fault.
"I didn't do a fucking thing!" He said, his voice sharp.
"Sidney," Trina said, her voice laced with warning.
Sid rubbed his temple with his fingers, "I don't want to talk about it. Is that okay? Things changed, it didn't work out. I'm dealing with it. It's...it's painful so I really don't want to get into it."
Trina and Taylor exchanged a look and then nodded, suddenly becoming fascinated with their dinners.
Troy stayed quiet during the whole exchange. But when Sid looked over at his father, the small smile on his face was unmistakable.
Sid took a deep breath, ignoring his father's reaction.
But Troy had to speak up, "It's for the best son, you have a heavy load this summer. You don't need the distraction, especially after how you ended the season." His voice became laced with disappointment and dismissal as he spoke those final words.
Sid's mind flashbacked to the fight, to Caroline's words. And suddenly he was done. He was completely done. His father was his hero. His mentor, his rock, his gage for all his success, but as Troy spoke those words, Sid realized something. No matter what he did, it wouldn't be good enough. Troy expected perfection and Sid continued to disappoint. Only he was so tired. So tired of having to be this person, live up to these unreasonable expectations that he not only welcomed into his life, but had pressed upon the lives of those he loved. Namely Caroline. He was suddenly flooded with memories, conversations when he'd spoken to Caroline the exact same way his father would speak to him. Like a movie playing in front of him, he saw himself, scolding Caroline for mistakes she had made, speaking to her with such haughtiness, telling her that she had to be a certain way. For the sake of his image, his game. No wonder she couldn't tell him about Pete. Then the images, the words he'd pushed so far back because it all hurt so bad, came to the forefront. It was the night at his condo. She'd been emotional. Wanting to talk to him about something. He'd been distracted by trying to make their dinner so perfect. He hadn't let her speak. Then he'd heard the reporters were downstairs. He replayed their conversation in his head. Only it hadn't been a conversation. He'd lectured her, scolded her. Spoken to her the same way his father had spoken to him so many times. Letting her know that once again she had disappointed him. She was going to tell him that night. That's why she was so upset. It was the first time they were seeing each other since it had happened. She tried to tell him, but what did he do? He spoke to her like she was a child. Preaching to her a standard that he had no right imposing upon her. It was a relationship he was familiar with. Only she was him and he was...
Troy cleared his throat, "Are you listening to me Sid? Tomorrow afternoon is the meeting with the invest-"
"Fuck you."
The room was silent, Taylor and Trina froze.
"Excuse me?" Troy thundered and Sid stared into his father's eyes.
"I said fuck you. Caroline was not a distraction. I loved...love her and I will not have you dismiss her like that. She was a part of my life. My life. You didn't like her because she wasn't part of your plan, right?"
"Sidney," Troy's voice held warning, "You better watch yourself son."
"I'm so tired of this." Sid's voice began to rise, "This is my life. Not yours. I have spent my life trying to do right by you. Prove myself to you. But it's never enough. And now that there's someone else it just kills you, that my focus is on something else, someone else. I'm really fucking up your plan, aren't I?"
"Sidney, stop!" His mother's voice was pleading. "That is no way to talk to your father. After all he's done for you-"
"No Trina," Troy spoke up, his eyes trained on his son's, "Sid obviously has something on his mind, I'd like to hear what it is."
There it was again, the condescending tone. It was just fuel to Sidney's fire.
"I'm sorry all I do it let you down. All I have ever done is be perfect for you, show you that you didn't waste your life by having me. Prove to you that your sacrifice was worth it. But I can't do this anymore. I can't sit here and have you treat me like I'm some machine, that can't have feelings, can't get frustrated and make mistakes, put something else before hockey. I can't live that life. I have spent my entire life trying to show you that I wasn't a mistake, that I didn't ruin your career, ruin your life. But nothing I do, nothing I can ever do will be good enough. Do you know how exhausting that is? Do you?" Sid felt the wetness on his cheeks before he realized he was crying. His breathing was labored and he realized at some point in his rant, that Trina and Taylor had made their exit, leaving him alone with his father.
Troy stared at his son, his face stony, not a single emotion evident.
"I just want to make you proud," Sid said pathetically. "But I also want to have a life of my own. I want to love someone, have a family and I don't want that to a bad thing, something that distracts me. I want it to be my life. I love you, I love hockey. But I also love Caroline and she loves me and we're not together anymore because I don't know how to be everything to everybody. And I'm so tired of trying and failing."
Sid stared into Troy's eyes, pleading with his father to understand. But without a word, Troy stood and walked out of the room.
Sid leaned back in his chair, defeated. He ran his fingers through his hair and took a deep breath. This emotional purging was exhausting, but fuck did it feel good to get it all out. His father probably hated him, but he had to know. Sid had reached his breaking point and the life he'd so precariously crafted, finally lay in pieces all around him.
Now it was time to pick them all up and try to put it back together.
***Author's note: Thank you for your patience. Life continues to really get in the way of my erotic Sidney Crosby fanfiction, not to mention this story is fucking hard to write. Im not gonna lie to you, it's hard as shit. I really struggled over the Sid and Lila part, I worried that Sid was totally out of character to unload on Lila like that, but I needed it to move along the plot and I like to think that in his emotional misery he just finally broke down and went all verbal diarrhea on whoever wasn't close to him. Idk if it worked, but its there. Please review, as your feedback means the world to me. And once again I appreciate you all reading and for being so patient. Go Pens (and congrats to our fearless leader, Captain Canada)!***