Author's Note: Hey Kiddos. This one is extra long so I apologize for any mistakes I missed. I'll read through it a few more times tomorrow but I wanted to get it out to you tonight. All my love..
Castiel stands in the shadows, by the side of her house.
She's planted a new tree since he's been here last. It looks like an orange tree. How odd that she's made such a life here. Found happiness cut off from all that she knew. Now she gardens and kisses the same man goodbye every morning as he leaves in a suit, has a cat she feeds, waits for fruit from a tree to grow. She has things that would miss her.
She comes outside now, wrapping a shawl around her shoulders and sitting on the steps of the porch.
Dean had told him to come to him when he was able.. and instead he came here. It's cowardly, but even with the turmoil and danger surrounding them, he knows the next time he sees Dean it will be... significant. He won't attempt to hide the truth from him any longer, not after he'd overheard Uriel's chastisement.
Castiel comes here now for clarity. For a respite before.. whatever he was going to do. Which at this moment, he still doesn't know exactly what that will be.
A day had passed since Dean willingly kissed him. He had held the memory close while Uriel paced in front of him shouting nothing but contempt for his "human pet". Michael had voiced solemn disapproval that Castiel would continue after he'd instructed him otherwise.
Balthazar said he needed to tell both of them to fuck off. But he noticed it wasn't within their hearing.
During a break in their scolding, he did ask, "Balthazar finds companionship, frequently and thoroughly-"
"Hey," he protests.
"-With humans, as I have in the past. Why am I punished now?"
"Ha," Gabriel laughs once at that. "Not helping yourself, Little Bro."
Michael shakes his head. "You know the difference, Castiel. Do not pretend this human is the same as any others you and your brothers have had momentary couplings with. You do not act rationally where he is concerned. You have disobeyed direct orders, brought him here, gone to him in secret. Solidifying your attachment to him further.." he trails off.
"Yes?" Castiel meets his eyes, steadily.
"It is an abomination, Castiel!" Uriel finishes. "You pollute your very grace the more you mire yourself within this insanity."
"I cannot believe other Father would so disdain the feelings I-" he cuts himself off, clenching his jaw.
Gabriel saves him. "Castiel's choice of boytoy aside, he could be useful in going after that twisted puppy, Alastair. He came to us with info. It's worth a shot."
Since they couldn't reveal their plan to meet a demon in two nights or the fact that they didn't really need Dean at this point, he kept silent and allowed Gabriel to speak.
"We do not need-" Uriel cuts off with a huff when Michael raises his arm.
"You will accompany him?" he asks Gabriel.
"Like a cockblocking mother hen," he smiles too big. Castiel wants to lash out at all of them. He is no child but before he can Michael continues.
"When this over, however it ends, you will part ways."
He frowns and feels his flight feathers stiffen with a sharp straightening of his back. "Michael," he begins.
"Or, if you find you cannot.. then we will assist you, Brother."
Gabriel suddenly has a hard look as Balthazar's straightens out of his slump in the chair. Uriel positively beams.
"What does that mean?" he squints at them all with distrust.
"You can return to Heaven for Revelation. Guidance." Michael tightens his mouth, "For a period of no less than a century."
"A century?" Castiel swallows, looking to each of them with disbelief. He had not heard of obligatory remanding to Heaven before.
"Yes. Until this human has lived out his natural life and all remnants of him are wiped from the Earth."
Just the thought makes him internally panic, causing blood to rush in his ears as he struggles not to show the overwhelming emotion rolling through him. Never to see Dean again. He always imagined he'd still be able to watch Dean grow old. Stay on the outskirts of his life and ensure his safety. Hopefully see him find some happiness and in turn be happy in that. But to be absent as Dean just slipped away.. lost through the years like he was any other human.
What if they didn't allow him to explain to Dean first? He would think he left him. That he didn't care after all.
"No!" Castiel exhales through his nose, and meets each of their gazes one at a time. "No. I will work with him to complete my mission, to kill demons as we are ordered. Then, when it is over... it will be over."
Gabriel frowns at them all and Balthazar is strangely quiet for once. Uriel lifts his chin and looks to Michael who nods.
"Good, Castiel. Good."
And so now he stands at the corner of Anna's house, under her new orange tree, trying to decide if going to Dean is the right thing to do. Worth the pain for both of them. If Dean were to kiss him again, his resolve would weaken.
This is another place he should not be.. just another way he fails his brothers. What is in him that causes this defiance? Why can he not be happy falling in line as others do?
Lost in his own wretched musings, Castiel doesn't notice her staring hard into the clusters of darkness surrounding him.
"Cas?" she calls with a frown.
His heart stutters, as he immediately focuses on her. Should he leave? She would hear the sound of wings and know it for what it was.
"Cas, please don't go," she whispers to the darkness but stays where she is.
He doesn't leave, but concentrates on being as still as possible until she is convinced she's wrong, imagined him.
"I know you're there," she continues softly. "I always know."
He's quiet, breathing shallowly. Nervous, heart pounding at the taboo of this act, he steps out of the protective shadows and lets her see him. Her eyes instantly fixate on him and she stands.
She moves stiffer than she used to. Slower. Light gray strands mix within her red locks. He didn't notice when it happened, he assumed she would stay as she always was in his memory.
They stare at each other from only ten feet away. He shifts his weight and rolls his shoulders, feathers twitching restless with his thoughts of flying away and never being so foolish as to be caught again.
Anna's eyes follow the moment as if she can see them before she steps quickly forward, stopping only a few feet away when he steps back wearily.
"No. Please. Just.. just stay for a little while. Talk to me."
"I should not be here," he says, looking around as if one of his brothers was waiting to condemn him. Would they send him for Revelation for this last offense?
"But you are. You're here a lot, aren't you?"
Castiel doesn't answer.
"You could have talked to me."
"No. I couldn't." His tone is flat.
"Because you're a good soldier?" Anna bites off with sudden bitterness. "Obedient? It doesn't have to be this way."
"This was your choice, Sister. You chose to leave me."
"I chose to leave them. Not you," she says fiercely.
"Please." His voice breaks on the word as she steps forward and wraps him in her arms. Even as he stays tense and unresponsive, she holds him tight. After a stiff minute of her not letting go, he can't help pulling his arms free and encircling her neck. This is just another way he has failed but he'd rather be damned than leave her now. His sister.. with all her faults, she would always be that. His sister. Angel or not.
Dean spent the whole night waiting for Cas to come back. Even in the day while he was exhausted, he could only drift in and out, sleeping with one ear listening for the sound of feathers.
But Cas didn't show during the day either.
Now it was night again and getting drunk sounded pretty damn good. Especially after he'd lost contact with his dad. Last time they'd talked was before Cas showed to go on their fieldtrip to the crossroads. He'd been following a lead to a possible possession in Hawthorne, Nevada and was supposed to check in last night. Sure some days he fell off the map for a night, but this didn't feel like one of them. Not when they were hunting for kingpin demons.
And Cas… he wasn't even gonna pray to Cas. If someone was preventing him from coming.. or if he just didn't want to come.. either way he wasn't here and Dean wasn't gonna beg. He was done with that. Ball was in his court.
Tomorrow night, they'd have a graveyard picnic with that demon douche but tonight, Dean was free to drink his way into oblivion.
Maybe he'd go looking for something to kill first.
"Are you content?" Castiel asks her.
"I am."
"With your human." He manages to say it without the bitterness he often felt.
"Even without him, I am happy here. In this way."
"But you grow older. I see the lines on your face even now."
"Brother, it's impolite to mention a woman's age," she smiles, making them deeper around her mouth and eyes. "In the short time I have here, it's fulfilling in a way service to Heaven never was. I've found someone to share it with me and that makes it even better. All the time I spent watching them.. they experience life, Castiel. Not battle. Not duty. They make marks on their world.. on each other's world."
Anna sighs then adds, "And then of course there's chocolate cake."
He doesn't laugh with her, only asks, "Your human. You.. love him." It might be the first time he's ever said the word outloud and it sounds foreign on his tongue now.
"Robert," she supplies. "Yes, very much."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why do you love him?"
Anna makes a little laugh. "A hundred reasons."
"Tell me a few," Castiel says, staring at his clasped hands.
"He lets me burn his food but still praises my attempts. When I find myself sad on some days, he holds me. The way he laughs, touches my face, asks which tie to wear each morning, kisses -
"Enough," he says gently. After a moment, Castiel tries to put his thoughts into a question. "Even though you've found happiness with this man, this life.. will it not all have been for nothing when you die? One of you will be pulled from the other and left to despair. Would it not have been better to never have begun?"
"Cas.." she thinks for a moment. "Let me tell you this. I know not of what tomorrow brings, but if it were to be his death, then most certainly I would grieve. But also would I be thankful for the time I had with him. The joy I found in our time together. All things come to an end."
Castiel blinks at her, transfixed by her words. Her lips begin to pull up in a bemused expression. "You seem.. what's different about you?"
"I am no longer a fledgling, as you knew me."
"No.. it's more."
She waits for him to silently debate with himself. To talk with her like this.. it's too much of a temptation.
"About eleven years ago.." Castiel pauses to choose his words carefully. "I befriended a boy."
"A boy? A human boy?"
"Yes."
Anna considers that. "While you were still a fledgling? How rebellious of you."
He glances at her, then away.
"I'm glad you made a friend, Casti-" she coughs hard for a few seconds.
"Are you alright?" he straightens, watching her with concern.
"Fine. Just a cold. Humans get colds." Clearing her throat, she continues, "So, this friend..."
He's silent as she appraises him. Given enough time, she will come to the correct conclusion. He's certain she still knows him this well.
"Is he a friend still?"
"Yes."
"But no longer a boy."
"No."
"Are you lovers?"
"Anna." His face heats at the words from his sister.
"What? Don't tell me I got it wrong."
"We were close once, but it is complicated as you well know. We are worlds apart."
She scoffs at that but surprises him by only asking, "Will you tell me about him?"
Castiel hunches his shoulders, curving his wings around himself slightly.
"He's stubborn."
"Anything else?" she pushes at his knees, playfully. An old gesture.
"Obstinate. Impatient. Reckless. Impulsive…"
"I can see why you like him," she says with sarcasm.
Taking a breath and closing his eyes, he continues, "And brave. Protective. Selfless. Strong.. Beautiful. His eyes are the color of summer leaves."
For a moment, he sees Dean in his head, smiling sinfully at him. He opens his eyes and darts a self-conscious look at Anna who's grinning at him.
Biting his lip, he adds, "He's a Hunter."
"Wow. You and a Hunter. He any good?"
"Of course he is." Castiel's wings uncurl and stiffen in offense on Dean's behalf. "He can shoot human weapons at great distances, farther than most humans. He has bested demons and creatures alike for years. Though he is young in years, he has-"
"Okay, calm down. You can stop selling him to me."
Castiel smiles shyly, realizing he had gone on more than he intended.
"Does he make you happy?"
His smile falls. She understands nothing.
"Anna. It is not the same between us as with you and your human."
"Why not?"
"You know I am beholden to our cause. I am only with him now because we are tracking a demon together. After it is dead.. we must part." He adds the last with bitterness he can't suppress.
Frowning she asks, "Must? What garrison were you placed with? Who are your nest mates?"
"Balthazar, Gabriel, Rachel was slain four years ago. After a moment he adds,"Michael and Uriel."
She clenches her jaw at the last two names. "Michael and Uriel."
"They've already.. suggested I take Revelation for.. for several decades."
"Threatened, you mean," she shakes her head in disgust.
Sighing he tries to defend them as he should.
"They said it was our Father's will. That He would want-"
"Our Father? Did He suddenly appear while I was gone?"
"No."
"How dare they speak for someone who's been absent since practically the dawn of time? I doubt they have ever laid eyes on him."
"Gabriel said he spoke with Him. Long ago."
"Gabriel would tell you the moon was made of cheese. He did you no favors in talking of our Father. If you want someone to believe in, Cas, you believe in yourself. And if you find someone worthy of it, you believe in them too."
He furrows his brow, watching her. Taking in her words and rolling them around in his mind.
Robert opens the door behind them and a wedge of light pours over them. "Hun? It's time for your med- oh, hello."
Castiel just looks at him.
"You okay?" he asks Anna.
"Yes." She smiles big and holds out an arm to put a hand on his shoulder. "Robert, this is my brother. Cas."
Dean sits on the window sill, one leg hanging off the edge, watching the embers finally burn out. The pit in his childhood backyard had the bones of two demons he'd taken on more than an hour ago. Coming here guaranteed a fight and that was exactly what he'd gotten. His cheek has a deep scratch across it but he just wipes the blood away once in a while and takes another sip from the bottle of Jack in his lap.
Swallowing a gulp, Dean twirls the black feather slowly between his thumb and finger, staring at it like he so often did. He thinks about Cas' wings because he doesn't want to think about why his father isn't answering his phone. Why it's been a day since Cas got hauled out of his arms and into the sky. Instead he focuses on the deep black of the feather. There should be a better name for that kind of black. Something like.. when you get a huge box of crayons there's maybe 5 different blacks so there's Charcoal, Pitch, Coal, Onyx, Obsidian. Yeah that's a nice long one. Obsidian. Sounds worthy of an angel's feather.
Dean takes another sip, wondering why it never bent or frayed over the years as he held it. Even now when his fingers are blood-stained, it doesn't stick or dampen the soft edges as it should. Man.. Cas has probably hundreds of these. He can almost remember the feel of them if he tries. They must be something to see. Not that he ever will but he can imagine. And in his head.. shit, they're gorgeous.
When he hears a sudden whip of air, Dean palms the feather and shoves it into his jacket pocket. Cas steps onto the little sill space that's left and braces a hand on the frame above him.
"Dean, what are you doing here? Are you hurt?"
"Careful, Cas. I might catch on that you care." He smirks around the bottle as he takes another swallow.
Glancing at the dwindling smoke then at Dean's face, the angel steps past him down onto the window seat inside. Frowning, he reaches forward and touches his cheek. Warmth chases down the gash and it stops pulsing with pain instantly.
"You didn't have to do that."
Cas tilts his head and looks him over. "What's wrong?"
"What's right?" he says tiredly. "So what's the deal, you okay? Tall, dark and dick-ish get you in trouble?"
"It was unpleasant," he hedges, sitting on the wooden bench that lines the window. Dean moves his foot a little back to give him room.
"But you're okay." Dean says steadily, needing to confirm this first.
Clenching his jaw, Cas looks out at the night. "It's been decided that when we have finished with Alastair, that will be the last I see of you."
Dean purses his lips and nods, bitterly. "And you're cool with that."
"Dean, it's not that simple."
"Yeah it really is, Cas." Sighing he says, "Look why don't you just-" he gestures out the window and tips precariously near the outside.
Cas grabs his jacket sleeve, then his other arm, to steady him. There's a moment where they're too close before he sits back down and Dean smirks a little watching him go.
"You should not be near windows. They will most certainly be the death of you."
Dean laughs before taking another pull. What the hell. With the relief of even seeing Cas again and the booze making his belly warm and muscles loose.. what's the point of fucking being mad? It is what it is. They weren't ever gonna be able to have anything together anyway. Might as well enjoy the time they got.
"Because I'm a glutton for punishment, tell me about what Uriel said last night." He doesn't even trip over the name and that's saying something at the moment.
"Will it not make it harder?" Cas asks, staring down at his bare feet.
"Probably but tell me anyway."
Cas leans forward to brace his elbows on his knees. "It's true I.. may have come to.. assure myself you were okay a few times." It's stilted like he's editing it mid-thought.
"A few times?"
Cas looks up and softly answers, "More than a few times."
Dean turns to look out the window so he doesn't see the smile he can't keep back. Turning back he asks, "So? What'dya see?"
"That you were hurting but unharmed."
"Why didn't you ever come up and say hey, hows it goin', freakin' anything?"
"I believed in the long run, it would have been more difficult. For both of us."
"Wish you woulda let me in on that decision."
They're quiet for a few minutes, Dean lost in memories of feeling like Cas was near.. maybe he really had been. After eying him, Dean holds out the bottle. "Want some?"
"No, thank you."
"C'mon man, don't make me drink alone."
"I don't believe it will have any effect on me."
"Well that bites. You guys can't get drunk?"
Cas shakes his head, preoccupied with checking the yard out the window again to make sure nothing moves in the shadow of the trees.
"Not even Billy Idol? Woulda thought he's one for over indulgence." The need to laugh over the idea of Billy Idol as an angel rocker has him chuckling through the next sip.
"Who are you referring to?"
"Baltha-whatever."
"Balthazar."
"Geez, your names are all sooo long. And like impossible to pronounce right now." He smiles because he can't help going with the false good feelings that the Jack is giving him. "That's why I like Cas. Short. Sweet. Fuck, do I reeeally like Cas," Dean slightly slurs and reaches forward to rub a thumb over his bottom lip. He lets him do it but frowns. Of course he's frowning. He's always frowning.
"I do not always frown," Cas says, still frowning. Oops he must have said that out loud.
"Why are your lips so goddamn pink and pretty like a fucking girls?" he asks not taking his eyes away from them and rubbing his thumb to trace it until Cas grabs his hand to stop him.
"You are very affectionate when you drink alcohol," he notes, licking over his lips right where Dean just touched and Jesus that made them look even more tempting.
"Yep, I'm a handsy drunk. Which makes sense. They go hand and hand, don't they?"
"What does?" Cas says, distracted by the way Dean is tracing a scar on his arm.
"Drink' and fuckin'."
Dean lets his lips pull up in a smile and leans forward. Maybe they could do this. Get it out of the way so it stopped hanging between them every time they were together. Maybe just once, so he'd have this to remember when he never saw Cas again. Though his intention was to get Cas' thoughts in that direction, instead the angel only flicks his eyes up at him, suddenly annoyed.
"I'm sure you would know, Dean."
Dean lifts his head back from where he'd been only an inch or two away and tries to think past the buzz.
"What would you know about it? Oh, that's right. You came to visit and never clued me in. You stay to watch me with some chick? Get a good eye-full?"
"Stop it."
"I don't need that self-righteous look, okay? Don't fucking judge me. You don't even know what it's like… what's it like to fucking need to feel something and someone-"
"Dean, I have had intercourse."
That sobers him up a little and, ridiculously, he feels a surge of hurt. He hadn't really thought past when he left. That Cas might find another to do all his firsts with just like Dean had. He imagined him here, frozen in time the way he left him. A little older looking but essentially still the same clueless angel that needed instruction on how to kiss.
Dean looks away and grits out, "Well yeah, course you have. Why the fuck not, right?"
"Does it bother you?" Cas asks, raising an eyebrow and knowing full well it fucking did.
"Why should it?"
Cas doesn't answer and the silence fucking gnaws at him with thoughts of his angel sweaty and sated with someone else. "It doesn't. Of course you'd find a new twinky teen. Did you have to talk to them for hours before he'd let you fuck him into the mattress?" It sounds petulant but he can't rein it in. His mind is full of swirling images, one ugly thought after another.
"Dean." Cas glares, standing. "Stop this."
"Did he pray to you?" Dean shoves him backwards and stumbles down the window seat after him. They both get to their feet with Dean still pushing him as soon as he's steady. "Did you give him a goddamn feather too?!"
Cas pushes back hard and Dean lands on his ass. "And did you think of me often while you were giving yourself to anyone that would have you?" The fists at his sides ball as he steadily growls down at him, "I mourned you! Like a fallen brother. Like-" he cuts himself off by pressing his lips. After a second, he leans down to calmly finish. "Do not presume to cheapen what I felt for you."
It was getting hard to focus on him and harder to listen to the words that hurt. Dean lets his head fall back against the wood and stares up at the ceiling, breathing hard. Dammit, the room was spinning now. Wincing, he clutches his temples as Cas moves around the room doing.. something. He can't concentrate on it too much. Not throwing up is all he has room to focus on. After a minute or so, something soft is wedged under his head and a blanket tossed onto his stomach.
"They are from a closet. I would move you, but I don't believe you would welcome that."
"God, no," he groans. The blanket beneath his head smells musty, but hell if he cares right now. "I'll be alright in a few hours.. just gotta.. sleep a bit.." He curls onto his side around the blanket. Fuck demons and angels and dads right now.
He feels Cas' insane warmth along his back and sinks against his side just a little.
"You're staying?" he mumbles with his eyes closed.
"Go to sleep, Dean."
Dean jolts awake, not knowing where he is for a moment. His body is stiff from laying on a wooden floor and someone's arm is under his head. When he lifts his head to see over his shoulder, Cas takes back his arm and props it behind his own head. He doesn't look at him, only stares upward.
Sitting up, Dean says, "Hey. Thought maybe you'd leave."
"I could not leave you here unprotected." Meeting his eyes he adds, "Also I'm not overly eager to return to my brothers. Gabriel is meant to be with me. I have a while longer."
"Honest Gabe." Dean grunts. "How long was I out?"
"Almost four hours."
Groaning, Dean rubs his face. "I need a shower."
"I will wait."
"At the motel. There ain't gonna be any water here, man." His head aches and he's not up to explaining about the Water Company right now.
Cas decides to come along with him, which feels more than uncomfortable after remembering how he'd started coming on pretty strong until he got all bitchy about Cas having sex before. He'd like to think it was the Jack that made him angry but the idea still bothered him even now. Which is dumb. He had sex. Plenty. Why not Cas? He repeats that thought over and over to himself.
The Tylenol starts kicking in about halfway back to the motel. They've been quiet and mostly ignoring each other, so it probably sounds out of the blue when he suddenly asks, "So what was it like?"
Cas turns to him. "What?"
"Sex. I mean for you."
After a moment of consideration, he answers, "Insufficient."
When he doesn't continue, Dean laughs once. "You wanna elaborate?"
Cas shifts his eyes ahead to out the window. "Even while I found pleasure in another.. it was empty. Any connection I had with them ended at a physical level."
Dean glances at him, then at the road again before admitting, "Yeah, I know what ya mean."
"Do you?" Cas tilts his head at him in surprise. "I would have thought it was different for you."
"Blood, salt and death, day in and day out.. you gotta hold on to that happy thought. But after a while.. it's just.. just that. Something to make ya feel good for a few hours. I checked outta the touchy feely parts a long time ago. One night stands are easy. Scratch the itch and keep on moving."
"Did you ever want more?"
"No.. not really. Can you imagine a girlfriend sticking around to sew up a werewolf scratch or clean a vampire bite?" Dean scoffs. "What I am now.. There's no room for anything else."
Reaching the motel, he pulls into the parking space in front of his door and asks, "You comin' in?"
Cas nods and follows him inside, still quiet. Contemplative. Dean leaves him, grabbing his duffle up and walking into the bathroom. He tries to ignore that he's out there while he washes off the dried blood from the demon fight. The warm water beating against his skin helps clear his head from the grogginess of drinking earlier. Sleep and a shower, best hangover cure there was.
Dean doesn't bother to pull any of the bullshit of coming out with his shirt off this time. Things are too weird with them as it is. He buttons his jeans, throws on a shirt and even tugs on a flannel before he opens the bathroom door.
Cas is sitting on the counter, hands gripping the edge at his sides and deep in thought.
"So what are you brooding over?" he asks, leaning against the opposite counter of the small kitchenette.
Furrowing his brow, Cas asks, "So these one time stands-"
"One night stands," Dean corrects.
"Yes. They were all female?"
Dean rubs his neck and glances away, kinda uncomfortable.
"Well yeah."
Cas nods like he expected that and Dean amends before he can stop himself. "Um.. Mostly."
"Mostly?" Cas tenses all of the sudden.
"I uh.. I tried a few times but it never worked out. They all were.. They wanted me to be.." he flails.
Fuck. Why did he even say anything? He really needed to just shut up before this got anymore awkward.
Cas raises an eyebrow and it feels like he can read his mind. Maybe he was. Talking about this feels.. It feels like they're dancing around the tension between them.
"They wanted you to be.." Cas repeats, hopping down.
"Uh.." Dean has time to utter before without pausing Cas walks in between his hanging legs and puts his hands on the counter on either side of his legs.
"You wanted to be the one pressed into the bed instead of the one pressing."
Dean inhales suddenly when Cas moves his hand to his hips and squeezes just this side of pain.
"Yeah," he almost whispers it. Cas is staring at him with confidence.. like he knows what he's doing to him. Cas being bold was kind of intimidating. Nevermind, that he was the one touching the angel's lips only a few hours ago.
Dean swallows the lump in his throat. "What are you doing?"
"I could be one of your.. One night stands. I could educate you this time. If I am never to see you after this.. are you not curious how it would be between us?"
One night stands were supposed to be easy. What Cas was offering would be anything but that... Still, he couldn't help the memories that starting hitting him all of the sudden. A younger more naive Cas, stroking him fast and hard.
"That's.. probably a bad idea."
Cas tilts his head with some kind of knowledge in his eyes that he never used to have. "Probably."
He lets go of Dean to move back until he's leaning against the opposite counter.
"Well, I didn't say no."
"I know," he watches him steadily with the smallest twitch of his lips. It's kinda annoying actually.
"Look at you. So fucking sure of yourself."
"I'm not a fledgling anymore, Dean. And you are not a boy. Don't pretend you aren't excited by my proposal."
"Excited, sure. I mean sex is exciting. But it wouldn't be just like a wham bam thing. You and me.. It's complicated."
"It always was between us. But, if you'd prefer, I will leave and not mention it again."
"You just wanna bang, kill our bad guy then say adios?"
"Maybe then I could stop thinking about you," Cas says with that damn blank face.
Could they really just fuck once.. Do with Cas what he'd been doing for years just like anyone else. It started to become hard to think of reasons why not. He fucking wanted him. And Cas wanted him. All this pain and longing and shit.. maybe they could just do it and say we'll deal with the other part later. The pain of how it'll be harder. Fuck, live in the here and now, right? Cas was here and now. He watches him smile slowly and Dean feels it happening on his own face. They were both considering it. And liking the idea.
"Shit.. This is a stupid idea." Dean looks away because he feels excited. Twitchy, despite his words. He jumps off the counter and stretches, knowing Cas is watching, before turning towards the door. "You just need to go back to your tree house and I need a drink-"
Cas grabs him by the wrist as he passes and yanks him back so he's trapped between the counter and his body. He pushes out with both his forearms but Cas just shoves him right back to where he was and follows with his body. He presses close into to Dean, letting him feel his desire.
"This is what you wanted and you couldn't find," Cas says, low and gravelly from so near their noses almost touch.
Dean closes his eyes when Cas grips his jaw and turns his face away to start mouthing at his neck. Teasing.
He holds onto Cas' hips, fingers digging into the leather and stares at the ceiling trying to think past his erection.
"I can give it to you," he murmurs in Dean's ear.
"Cas.." It's not a protest. He's already so past needing to be swayed as he moves his fingers lower to grab his ass and pull him closer.
Biting his earlobe, Cas grates out, "I'll press you into your bed and make you remember what made you want it in the first place."
Fuck if that didn't make him stand up and pay attention. Dean makes an embarrassingly loud groan in the back of his throat when Cas moves the fingers he'd been stroking the back of his neck with tighten in his almost too short hair.
"That's not playing fair." He hisses when Cas grinds against his hardness.
"Are we playing, Dean?"
Cas kisses him, feverish and addictive while he starts pulling him backwards. Dean goes along willingly.
Just this once.. Just this once they could have each other. Maybe it'd be the last good thing he felt before his endgame fight. It'll be his final happy thought to focus on if it went badly.
Cas steers him backwards, kissing him thoroughly along the way to the bed. After he pushes the flannel off Dean's shoulders, he pulls at the bottom of his shirt, parting lips only a second to yank it over his head. Dean doesn't help since he seems to want to do the undressing but just holds his face to keep them close while he does.
Cas unbuttons Dean's jeans and he stumbles out of them while holding into his shoulders. They're broader than when he was 16, he briefly thinks.. then the backs of his knees hit the bed and he's pushed down to bounce a little. Cas pulls off his own shirt to reveal white scars crisscrossing in several places along his stomach and chest. Dean reaches out and touches one.
"What are these?"
Cas looks down like he just noticed them. He frowns then moves forward to catch Dean's lips. "Nothing," he whispers before pushing his tongue deep into his mouth to rub against his while putting a knee on the bed.
Dean breaks away. "They look like the jabs you got.."
When Dean doesn't let him reconnect, he huffs and agrees, "From that day."
He doesn't have to say more. Dean knows exactly what he's talking about.
"Why can't you heal them?"
He tries to kiss him again but Dean turns his head, so instead Cas kisses his neck while putting his other knee on the bed to basically hover above his lap. Dean automatically cups his ass and has to struggle not to let his weight push him backwards.
When Cas sucks at his neck, he bucks just a little. Shifting his weight to push Dean onto his back, Cas reaches down to unlace the cord and slide the leather pants down his angular hips. He leans forward to keep their lips connected while pulls his legs free. Dean starts pushes at his own jeans and boxers. Cas finishes helping him by yanking them the rest of the way down. He moves back over him and suddenly there's fever warm flesh touching every inch of him. Dean closes his eyes and makes a little moan in his throat when their more intimate spots touch.
Cas drops a hand between them and grips him firmly without hesitation. "I enjoy that noise you make."
Gasping, Dean asks, "What's it like? With a guy?" Absently, he strokes a hand down Cas' scarred chest, ruined like his back. It's probably gonna hurt. And be embarrassing. He's mainly talking because of nerves.
Cas looks off as if he's contemplating an actual answer."It's like.. flying. Remember the first time I carried you up into the clouds? You were scared.. I could feel your heart beating so fast." He kisses him and smiles. "How brave you must have been. We can fly together again. Trust me, Dean"
For a second, Dean's jaw tightens and he pulls his hand back from rubbing over pale scars. It's unfair but he suddenly can't stand the thought of someone else knowing Cas like he does. More than he does. Touching him just like he is right now. Knowing how his skin could warm you like a blanket and all those needy noises he made. And the thought of one of them touching his wings…
"Flying? Is that your line when you pick up guys?"
Confused, Cas lifts up onto his arms above him and squints. "I would never reveal my true nature to a human."
"You should. It worked for me. I bet you'd get all kinds of ass," he says bitterly. Where the hell was this coming from?
"What's wrong, Dean?"
"Nothin'." He looks away cause it feels awkward now for Cas to be on top of him.
"I'll leave." Cas offers, sitting back on his haunches without shame of his nakedness. Dean manages to resist covering his crotch but just barely.
"Why the fuck would you leave?"
"You don't want to do this. It's okay. I understand. Just because we can, does not mean we have to."
"What? No."
Dammit, he'd messed up their one chance by getting caught up in his own head. And now Cas was shifting back to get off the bed. Dean reaches up to encircle his back and pulls him forward. Off-balanced, Cas falls and catches himself on his hands before he lands on Dean.
He looks down with a slightly amused expression. "Yes, Dean?"
"Sorry for being a dick." He answers and slowly lifts up for a chaste kiss. Starting at the small of his back, Dean slides his hands upward until he finds the joint where his wings grow out of. He follows it up and under until he feels the oil he knows is there.
"So I'm the only one that's ever done this?" he asks huskily, while bunching his hands in deep patches of softness.
Cas cries out in surprise and drops his head. Their groins bump and it causes Dean's to twitch with renewed interest. "Yes," he pants and grips Dean's shoulder hard for support.
Dean pushes and rubs at the gland until a finger is wet and Cas is bruising his arm with how hard he's squeezing. He brings the digit to his mouth and licks it clean, feeling that familiar spark of energy. A sweet taste like strong honey coats his tongue and he innocently asks, "I'm the only one to taste you like this?"
Cas swallows twice before he can say, "I am beginning to regret allowing you to see how much that affects me." He tracks the movement of Dean's finger as he continues swiping it with his tongue and purposely pushing it deeper into his mouth. Dean smiles around the pad of his thumb. "Never show your weakspot."
"Are you going to hunt me?" Cas leans down to suck at his bottom lip that is a little shiny with oil now.
Dean chuckles against his mouth before saying, "Well if I ever have to take on an angel, I know right where to-"
Cas shoves him down onto his back so hard, his whole body bounces on the mattress. When Dean blinks, he's above him, forcing his shoulders down painfully hard into the soft surface. "Do not ever speak of touching another angel in this way."
Dean can't help smiling when he sees what brought out this threatening side of him. In the same way he hated the idea of someone touching Cas' wings.. so personally, intimately, Cas didn't want him getting cozy with one of his kind that way either. And because he's a shit, he can't help teasing a little.
"What way?" he asks coyly while reaches out to feel for the arched top of the wing. It's extended, almost straight up and out. Cas must have them completely open and high above him. Aggressive and hostile. Dean can imagine them and it turns him on even more. Cas' stone face hasn't soften one bit yet as he glares down at him.
Dean settles for tugging gently at lower ones, careful not to touch a sharp edge. "Like this?" Dean licks over his lip, keeping his hard gaze. "You wouldn't want me touching Billy Idol here?" He pulls and Cas looks like he might kill him.
"Or maybe that Trickster dick right.." he continues up to the source where that walnut-sized gland leaks. Pressing it firmly, he asks gruffly, "here?"
Cas' eyes flutter and he rocks his hips forward with a small grunt. Dean gasps softly too as they rub over one another between their bodies. Dean rubs it steadily, enjoying the wrecked noises Cas makes under his breath with his eyes closed, until his hand is coated. Cas gasps like Dean's sucking him off or something and if he wasn't getting hard as fuck, he'd continue. Instead, he brings his oil-covered hand down around his hip. Cas' eyes are rolled back when he grasped his cock and covers it with the viscous fluid so it's slick. His breathing hitches as he looks down between them and watches, strong fingers digging into Dean's arm.
"I do want this, Cas. Christ, do I want this. Want.. you."
"I sincerely hope so.." he winces on an upstroke. "Because after that, I'm not sure I have the strength to leave."
Dean grins and watches his hand glide over Cas, making him glisten. Cas lets him do it a few seconds more before grabbing his wrist. Then he moves his hand down past his own bobbing erection and lower.
He's confused for a moment, but then Cas surrounds his two first fingers with his hand and directs them to his opening. Dean flushes but lets himself be guided to push into his hole. It's embarrassing as hell and uncomfortable, but he tries to relax and focus on Cas' darkened eyes following his movements with too much interest. Just from him watching, Dean kinda gets more into it. Letting his eyes close, he pushes in deeper and deeper until he gets a rhythm going and tries to imagine it's the angel in front of him. He can hear Cas breathing a little unsteady while he pushes Dean's thighs wider. He holds under them with fingers biting into Dean's flesh at his show. It starts to feel really fucking awesome once he stops thinking about it so much and just goes with the good feelings. The few times he tried this by himself out of curiosity never really did anything for him. It always felt too weird. But knowing what his fingers were doing.. what they were making room for..
A foreign digit slides in next to his. Dean's eyes pop open to see Cas biting his lip, staring intently. His dick pulses once, untouched. Cas' arm shifts at the same time Dean feels his finger push in again.
After a minute, Cas pushes Dean's hand in and out like he's thrusting.
"Christ .." He breathes. He can't believe that he's getting off on this. That he kinda enjoyed it even as he felt vulnerable like this. Open. On display. "You gonna tease all day?" he asks gruffly.
Sounding calmer than he looks, Cas says, "This is necessary. I do not want to hurt you."
"Yeah well it's embarrassing as hell," Dean protests because he doesn't want to make anymore of those stupid noises over something like this. Jesus, if his dad could see him now. And that thought almost sweeps through his mind and brings everything to a halt if not for what Cas says next.
"Would you prefer if I used my mouth?"
Stilling his hand, he can only blink at that thought. "Uh.."
Cas smiles gently and moves to kiss him, withdrawing his finger and Dean's. "Perhaps later," he says, boldly with an unwavering dark look.
"Yeah.. " Dean swallows, just a little nervous along with the excitement because this was the moment.
Cas was above him, body slotted between his bent knees. He kisses Dean, hard and thorough. It's a distraction like he's a wilting virgin or some shit but he does kinda appreciate it. As Cas' tongue rubs hard, demanding his attention, he's also holding under his thigh, pulling his legs farther apart and sliding closer above his body. Not breaking their intense locked lips, he presses against his opening and pushes in.
Dean winces and turns his head away slightly from the kiss, panting as Cas continues to push further. He kisses around Dean's mouth. The corner, his chin, then moves to kiss and suck the skin of his neck.
"Are you alright?" He asks with a hoarse voice by his ear. He pulls out just a bit, waiting.
"Yeah.." Dean sighs raggedly eyes shut tight. "Yeah, don't stop." Because it had to get better, right? Cas biting and licking along his neck was definitely good even if the other parts were uncomfortable. He tries to focus on that like his life depended on it.
"I have no intention of stopping," he promises. The hand on his leg tightens and this time he steadily pushes deeper. Dean opens his eyes, just to roll them when Cas hits over that spot that makes his leg spasm and cock twitch. Another thrust and he hits it again making him sigh, "oh fuck..."
"Better?" he rumbles, surging forward as he asks.
Dean nods against Cas' scratchy cheek and he rubs it over him like an affectionate cat. With another quick rush forward, he makes his own happy noise as if now that Dean was enjoying it, he could too. The sound of feathers sweeping fast and shifting can be heard above them.
Unlike when he was with a girl, this was different than being the one in control, setting the pace. But god Cas was hot like this... driving into him and pushing him up the mattress with each thrust. They shift up the bed each time until his hands touch wood and he reaches back with one hand to hold on, the other bunching the sheet beside him.
Cas hasn't touched his dick, still trapped between them so it's a different kind of building. If he did touch himself right now, it would probably be over too soon. Pre-cum leaks steadily onto his stomach.
As the lunges become rhythmic and their moans and grunts less restrained, Cas reaches down and pulls Dean's hand free from where he's fisting the sheet. He bends his arm so it's next to his head then laces their fingers. Somehow it made it all feel even better. His fingers spasm between Cas' as he rests his forehead onto Dean's shoulder while bucking his hips in a frantic motion that makes him cry out.
Getting carried away, Cas scratches deeply over his left hip where he's fighting to grip him tight and hold in place. Dean hisses but it just adds and mixes with the rush of euphoria mounting.
"Sorry… I'm sorry," he pants.
"No, it's okay. Fuck it's so okay." Dean pushes back with his hips to push him deeper.
Even though he said it, Cas still seems to hold him gentler.
"You don't have to hold back, Cas."
"I do.. I could crush your bones right now if I lost myself. I didn't.. It's.. You're amazing, Dean. This is amazing," he stares down at him with half-lidded blue eyes.
Despite the way Dean's caught up in the slap of skin and Cas angular hip bones grinding into him, he has to say something to stop the look of awe he gives him. Like he's fucking precious or some other flowery word.
"So not insufficient?" He breathes out and closes his eyes on a groan.
Cas' pace falters a moment as he frowns down at him. He opens his mouth like he wants to say something but then just grips his face and kisses him hard and bruising. A little painful in its forcefulness with lips mashed into teeth.
Only when he needs to breathe, does Cas let up so Dean can gasp against his mouth. He slots a hand beneath his lower back to hold him up a bit with an impressive show of strength. Then Cas grabs his leg and drives into him, deeper still.
It's relentless but Dean doesn't feel the uncomfortable pressure anymore because he's rolling towards that amazing moment. He has one hand on Cas' hip, feeling it work and bunches his fingers there. The other he buries in the angel's sweaty mess of hair and grips hard. Cas' breathing hitches and he finally touches him, left hand encircling his cock tightly in smooth tugs while he quickens the cantering of his hips.
"Fuck, Cas!" Dean's mouth drops open as he feels his balls tighten and he crests over that peak. Cas holds him in place and rocks over that spot inside him while he works his dick.
Fireworks of pleasure shiver through him and he feels his stomach warm with the wet evidence.
After almost half a minute of shuddering through his orgasm, Cas waits until he opens his eyes and looks at him. Then he takes Dean's limp hand and laces their fingers again, pressing him down with all his weight. His thrust pick up speed and his breathing gets raged. The motel lamp knocks over with the wild movements of a wing he can't see. Cas makes low wrecked cries and shuts his eyes only when he can't seem to keep them open anymore. Dean stares up at him to catch every quiver and intake of breath he makes.
Only a moment more and he clenches his jaw and shoves deep against him. Falling forward, he lays his forehead on Dean's cheek as he finishes inside him. There's one last gust of air that kicks up any stray papers lying on the table.
Heart still racing, Dean turns and kisses his temple weakly. He only hums faintly in response.
Papers slowly drift down around them.
"Holy Shit," Dean pants up at the ceiling.
"Are you okay?" Cas murmurs into his neck.
"Yeah just.. Holy Shit."
Cas lifts his head up as if examining his face. "Do you realize you already said that? Are you sure you're okay?"
Dean laughs, feeling better than he had in a long time. He cups Cas' neck and pulls him forward to kiss the frown right off his lips.
Author's Note: So wow, that was a book, huh? I'm not sure if it's because this is a slow burn or what but oddly, I find myself nervous about posting this now that they've fully consummated their feelings. Let me know if you liked it.. I'm frequently overcome by attacks of doubt. Thanks as ever for your feedback. I love you all to bits. :)