Chapter Two: Well, That Was Dumb
[Jeanette's POV:]
Now, I'm not stupid by any standards, thank you very much. I pride myself on my intelligence, perhaps to the point my ego's slightly bigger than it ought to be. But at that moment, with the Joker threatening to burn down the place I loved most and perform an act rarely heard of since the Nazi reign, my protective instinct kicked in and caused me to do something very stupid.
Chantelle and the girls came running into the lobby and promptly screamed, practically losing their heads at the sight of Joker and his two cronies. I on the other hand, scrambled to my feet and stumbled my way back behind the return counter. Very little glass and debris had fallen back here, but I still stepped gingerly because of my sandals as I picked my way to the large cart of returned items that we had yet to shelve. I stood shakily, grabbing a paperback Danielle Steel novel, muttered a quick prayer for forgiveness for what I was about to do, and chucked the book at the henchman nearest to me. It only bounced off his shoulder and he paused, turning to blink at me in surprise.
"GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MONSTERS!" I screamed, grabbing two more paperbacks and throwing them at him. "LEAVE US ALONE!"
An Anne Perry mystery and a Chicken Soup collection. I winced as they bounced off him too. I seemed to have garnered his twin's attention too, as the other huge man turned and blinked as well, though his face twisted in an ugly scowl, only made worse by his unsightly stubble. I reached for another book as the Joker turned, also looking a little confused, and barely registered that this one was a hardback as I let it fly from my hand. Then I realized what I'd thrown.
Christopher Paolini's Eragon. I sucked in my breath and time seemed to slow down. I've been clocked in the back of the head with a copy of that book before. Terrible composition and poor sentence structure, with a mesh of ideas stolen from Anne McCaffrey and the Star Wars movies, hefty for a first novel written by a fifteen-year-old. Let me tell you, Eragon is painful on one's head in several ways, but it hurts the most when you're literally hit with it.
It caught Joker just beneath his eye and I heard a distinct, fleshy CRACK! as he recoiled from the hit. He turned back to me hissing, murder in his expression, blood pouring from his broken nose and welling up in the welt under his eye.
"Oops." was all I managed to squeak out.
"Jeanette!" I heard several of my coworkers shriek.
"You are one of the most stupid people I've EVER had welcome me anywhere!" Joker snarled, his red eyes boring into me, and my insides frosted over with the ice of fearful despair. "Punch, Judy! How about you get started in the munchkin's hole while I teach Miss Four-Eyes here some manners?"
Oh, hell!
I started to back up, barely registering the screams of my coworkers or the disappearances of the two goons down the juvenile wing or the wall of shelves I backed into. Those terrible red eyes were taking up my entire range of vision, silently promising me horror beyond my imagination.
Right then, Miss Harker, I thought with a bitter irony, That was one of the most brainless things you've done in your life.
He drew closer and closer, and I tried to grope around for something to hit him with, but I maintained eye contact. Maybe he wouldn't notice if I kept looking straight at him.
That, it seemed, was useless. He noticed right away and his hand shot out and squeezed my wrist before I could even properly get something in my grip.
"You know, you're probably the most stupid woman I've ever met for someone who makes a living being a bookworm." he growled, his red eyes narrowing, "No one ever hits me, EVER!"
"Looks like you need to reevaluate your studies, then," I managed to muster up some bravado to throw back at him, "Because I just did!"
Okay, I admit it, that was not the smartest thing I could have said after blacking his eye. He snarled in anger, whipping me around by my wrist, which felt like it was going to pop right out of its socket, and threw me over the counter. For a second that seemed to last forever, I was flying, then I hit the ground hard, the wind knocked right out of me. My shoulders were definitely going to be bruised black and blue before the day was out.
"Ah, ah, ah!" the Joker scolded me in a singsong voice, "You should know better, Miss Four-Eyes." He jumped over the counter, and pointed the flamethrower's nozzle directly at my face. My heart began to pound frantically, my skin broke out in a cold sweat.
"No talking in the library!" he yelled, his voice dropping back down to its demonic tones.
I rolled out of the way just in time before the flames hit me. I felt searing heat behind me, and I rolled a bit more, hoping to snuff any of the fire that might have caught at my clothes. Thankfully, it turned out I wasn't burning. Joker began cackling wildly and I struggled to my feet, then immediately wished I was dreaming.
Fire was already beginning to race up one of the walls, the flames licking hungrily at a bookcase like a dehydrated man at a water fountain.
"NO!" I screamed, surging to my feet, but I was too late to keep the books I'd thrown at Joker from being devoured by the growing blaze. This was all of my worst nightmares coming true at once.
Then, as if by some miracle, the sprinkler system came on. Tiny jets of water struck my face and bounced off my glasses as they quenched the fire's thirst.
"WHAT?" Joker screamed, looking scandalized. "You're kidding me! Of all the places to have a flame-retardant system that's not retarded!"
"Looks like your plan is all washed up, Joker." came a new voice, and I froze on the spot. There he was, stepping through the smoke like an overgrown shadow, outfitted in armor made from black Kevlar. I'd heard he was terrifying, ruthless, cunning, able to strike fear in the hearts of criminals with his appearance alone.
I'd never heard he was given to spitting out bad puns.
Call me faithless or say I was having a bad day, but the appearance of the Batman after that terrible one-liner did not fill me with relief.
Joker's face twisted in a brief snarl, then he suddenly grinned bigger than before, and pointed the flamethrower at Batman, who pulled up his cape faster than I could register, repelling the flames easily. On and on the sprinklers continued to pump out water, but neither of them seemed to care, their battle turning into an elaborate dance that seemed to range all over. Suddenly the two henchmen burst back into the room, and raced over to join the fray. Batman was outnumbered, and I felt sinking despair in my chest. I could only crouch where I was, shaking all over, the water plastering my clothes to my skin, my vision blurred. What was I supposed to…?
Something caught my eye. Eragon. The image of the dragon on the dust jacket was charred black and cracking, but otherwise it seemed mostly intact. I knew what I could do to help.
Batman spun around, aiming a high kick at one of them, the sole of his combat boot connecting with a sickening crunch, and the guy went flying backwards off his feet. The second one grabbed Batman from behind, catching him under his arms, holding him tight as the Joker approached them both.
I got to my feet and took pains to inch my way toward them as quietly as I was able, scooping Eragon off the floor, the cover crackling slightly under my touch, but it was otherwise silent.
"Thank you, Judy," Joker was saying happily, "You know, Batsy, you really rain on my parade sometimes, but I'm willing to book some time this week to dance, just you and me."
Joker, the fire, the ruined copies of the books, the sprinkler, my wet clothes, the message from my mother, the lack of a love life, the mysterious guy who bought my coffee…I'd thought before that I was having a bad day!
But the bad puns really set it off!
Before any of the three knew what was happening, I raised Eragon as high as I was able and brought it down with a WHOMP on the back of Joker's head. His shoulders hiked right up to his ears and he slowly rotated on the spot to glare at me, only to have his eyes roll up in the back of his head as he swayed uneasily. Batman and Judy could only stare, stunned as I backed up, giving Joker room to fall forward. I blinked, not completely believing what I'd just done, and looked up at Batman, hoping he'd say something.
He swung his legs up over his head and flipped completely over, kicking Judy in the face, and sending him flying back onto his twin. Batman landed easily, as though it was nothing, glanced down at Joker, then looked me in the eye.
"Nice hit." was all he said. "Eragon makes for a good missile weapon, too."
"What, that's it?" I shrieked, furious. "The least you could do is say 'thank you!'"
He ignored me, tying the Joker's hands behind his back before moving over to the Punch and Judy twins, cuffing them to each other.
"The police will be here soon, Miss Harker." he went on casually, like we were discussing the details of a luncheon. "Once they're finished questioning you, you ought to go home and relax. Try to forget what happened here if you can."
"You're kidding me, right?" I snorted, hardly noticing that Chantelle and the girls were coming out of their hiding places, pale-faced and shaken. "I'm going to be lucky if that maniac—" I pointed to the Joker, taking a few steps back from him, "—doesn't decide to kill me in my sleep when he wakes up and escapes from Arkham again!"
Batman stood abruptly and advanced on me, making me let out a frightened squeak as I backed up. He towered above most normal people, practically looming over me as he looked me in the eyes, his expression hard as stone.
"I'm not going to let that happen, Miss Harker!" he said in a growl. I swallowed hard, and said nothing as he glared at me a moment longer. Finally, when it seemed neither of us had anything more to say, he turned and hoisted the unconscious Crime Clown to his feet, making him stir.
"I don't wanna blow up the docks yet, mummy…" he murmured, "Five more minuuutesss…"
The Dark Knight tied his foe up to the henchman, and raced out the door, disappearing only seconds before the GCPD arrived on the scene. They came surging through the door, and I knew it was inevitable that they would start questioning me.
But I still just stood there, not completely reassured the Bat would protect me from Joker, and still seething because he'd never given me a proper thank-you.