Chapter 4

I ran. I ran out through the auditorium doors as fast as I could in heels. Damn you for wearing heels. I am about half way to my car when I hear my name being called. I know it's her, who else would be trying to figure out why I completely flew off the handle back there.

"AMY! AMY, STOP PLEASE!"

I just keep walking as fast as I can. I just want to put this off a little longer. She is my best friend so I know I have to face this sometime. I just wasn't prepared to face it tonight. At this point she has out ran me in her 4 inch heels and as I make it to the car she grabs my arm and spins me around.

"Amy, what is going on? I don't understand why you are so upset. I didn't think anything had changed. I thought we were fine. When…why…I don't even know what to ask you because I am so confused!"

Karma's makeup is running down her face and I swear she looks so beautiful when she is upset. It kills me to see her so confused, but I am confused to. I know no matter how this conversation goes it is most likely not going to end up in my favor so I do the only thing I have wanted to do all night. I grab Karma's face and kiss her. Like…I really kiss her. It's more intense than any other kiss we have shared during this entire faking process, but it's the only way I know how to explain what I can't with words right now. There is nobody around, no cameras, no public; it's just us. If she doesn't understand what it means for me to kiss her with nobody watching then I know she won't understand how I feel. She hasn't pulled away yet so I keep kissing her. My hands haven't left her face but I run one through her hair and around the back of her neck. After a few seconds of this I feel her hands go to my waist. They don't grab, they don't move, they just rest there, but it's enough pressure for me to feel them. I slowly pull back, but I am afraid to open my eyes. She hasn't moved her hands from my waist. Is this a good sign? I don't know if I should open my eyes yet. Before I can even comprehend what I just did, I let go of her face and get into the car. She is still standing beside the car with her eyes closed as I drive off. What have I just done?

When I get home I run straight to my room. My mom is yelling at me and asking why I am home so early but I can't even respond as I crash on my bed. I cried the entire drive home and now I am sobbing so much into my pillow I will probably need new covers because the mascara isn't going to come out!

I must have cried myself to sleep, because I woke up around midnight with my dress still on and all of my lights still on. I grab my phone and see that I have 10 new messages and 6 missed calls…and one voicemail. All of the text and 5 of the calls are from Shane asking what had happened and if I was okay, but only one call was from Karma…along with a voicemail. I don't even think I can stomach listening to her voice never mind what she is going to say. I text Shane back to let him know I am home safe and will call him later, but I can't bring myself to listen to that voicemail. Why would she only call once? Why is she even calling? Hello, Amy, she probably knew you wouldn't answer so why call more than once? Maybe I should listen to it. If she is calling it can't be that bad…can it? Here goes nothing.

"Amy…" her voice sounds so calm, but yet broken at the same time. What have I done? "Amy, listen I knew you wouldn't answer my call, but I need to talk to you and I don't want to say anything over text message! Please let me explain some things you think you saw tonight. You can't avoid me forever and I will just follow you around school until you talk to me. You are my best friend and I never meant to do anything to you to cause you pain. I…I know you are scared…because…because of what you did tonight, but…but you need to talk to me. I have some things I need to tell you. Please. Please just call me back….or text me and let me know you are alight. Just…don't ignore me Amy. I…I love you still and I don't hate you. I know you probably think you have scared me, but please just talk to me!"

Feelings. Feelings are hard for me. I don't know if it's because I feel so deep that I am afraid to express them in case people think I am weird. Or if I am afraid it's not okay to feel as deep as I do sometimes. Feelings aren't easy for anyone I can't imagine. Movies make it seem so easy. Any romance film, yeah they beat around the bush the whole movie, but in the end they throw their feelings out like nothing can hurt them and it's all going to be okay. But this is reality. What if it's not going to be okay once I have said what I feel? What if Karma and I can't figure this out? She is right though; I need to talk to her. It's nearly one in the morning, but if I know Karma she is still awake with everything that has happened tonight.

AMY: I got your voicemail. I will be by your house in the morning if that's okay?

Not a minute later I get a reply.

KARMA: That's fine! Please don't chicken out or I will come find you. Can't you just come over now? We both know neither one of us is sleeping tonight.

Geez Karma. I don't know if I can do this right now. She is going to keep insisting I come over now if I don't just go.

AMY: Give me an hour and I'll be there.

KARMA: Great! I'm calling if you don't come in an hour though.

What the hell am I doing? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? I seriously don't know what I will do or say when I get over there. Why does she want to talk now? I am not thinking clearly and I bet neither is she. Why do I have to be in love her? WHY? Why can't I just love…wait…did I just say I was in love with her? I haven't told myself that yet. I just knew I had feelings for her beyond friendship, but I really just said I was in love with her. Holy. Shit.

This new realization hit me as I was walking towards her house. I could have drove, but I needed time to think this through. I wanted to have some sort of game plan if this went south. I didn't even strategize a game plan for if it ended well, because I was betting on the odds that it was going to end with Karma telling me she loved me but only as a friend.

KARMA: Are you almost here? I left the door unlocked so just come up when you get here.

Man, she is relentless. It has only been 50 minutes. I walk through the front door and head towards Karma's room upstairs. There is no turning back now. She will know if I do. Years of hiding things from her mom I know as soon as you step on the second step you can hear it from Karma's room. I knock slowly and wait for her to tell me to come in.

"Amy, why are you knocking? You know I know you are there so just come on in."

"Sorry, I just didn't know if you were decent or not."

"Oh, well yeah I am. Come sit down with me." She really doesn't looked as freaked out as she sounded in her voicemail. Maybe she has just had time to think and calm down. Yeah, that's it. She doesn't look nervous either. Am I the only person in this whole ordeal that is actually freaking out?

"I don't think that is a good idea. I will just stand if that's okay?"

"Amy, will you please come sit by me? I just want to talk. I know you don't like showing or expressing how you feel but you really scared me tonight. I don't think I have ever heard you so scared and mad at the same time. I really still don't understand why though."

"REALLY Karma? You still don't understand why I got so upset and mad, after everything that has happened tonight? You don't understand why I kissed you? Are you that dense?"

"…I…think I know. I…I just wanted you to say it so I could be sure. I have tried to get you to say it all night by telling you I didn't understand. I hoped you would just come out and say it."

"I'm not saying anything until you explain some things that happened tonight."

I might be on the verge of spilling everything to Karma just because it's hurting too much to keep it in any more, but I need to know some things before I lay it all out.

"Oh yeah. Well first off when Liam and I were coming out of the closet in the auditorium it wasn't what you thought you saw."

"Keep going…you're just getting to the good part right?"

"Amy, nothing happened. I actually told him I needed to talk to him in private about what happened before and I didn't think of how wrong it would look until he pulled me into the closet to talk. When we came out and you saw us hugging he was hugging me because of what I told him, not because we were secretly getting back together. He also said he was sorry about the whole girl in art room thing and after I told him my dilemma he wanted to comfort me. It really wasn't what you thought."

Wow. This conversation is going in no direction I planned for it too. I don't even know how to respond to her right now. Maybe I should just stay quiet and let her keep talking until I feel like I can respond without getting sick. She is looking at me to say something, but I just keep standing in front of her with my arms around my waist hugging myself. I literally want to throw up right now. If she wasn't doing anything with Liam in the closet, what was she doing talking to him?

"Also Amy, I have something I wanted to tell you tonight after we were done with the dance, but then everything happened and I didn't get a chance. It is kinda the reason I was talking to Liam and why he gave me a hug."

Is she serious right now? You can't just drop a bomb in the middle of an already exploding bomb. She is really trying to mess with my head right now. Is the room spinning or is it just me? I really can't tell any more. All I know is she has gotten up and is walking towards me and I can't move. Karma has grabbed my hands and entangled our hands in between our bodies. I can barely breathe at how close she is standing to me, and even though I hold a good inch or so more than her in height, I feel so small compared to her right now.

"Amy, when you kissed me by the car tonight, I…I was in shock. Then I was in awe. I wasn't sure at first, but after that kiss I knew my thoughts were clear. You kissed me like you might die if you didn't, and you held me as if I would vanish if you didn't. It took me a second to respond, because I couldn't believe you were actually taking the initiative, but when I did, I felt nothing but fireworks in the pit of my stomach."

By now I was dreaming. I knew I just had to be dreaming, because she was describing the kiss how I felt when it was happening. I still can't speak and I know she is just as nervous as I was tonight, but she keeps going like if she stops she will never be able to get out what she needs too.

"I am sorry, Amy. I am sorry that it took me so long to see what was right in front of me. I am sorry you have been struggling with things and I haven't been there as a friend like I pinky promised I would, but I can pinky promise you one thing for sure. I can pinky promise that I am in love with you just as much, if not more, as you are in love with me."