a/n: WHO WANTS SOME TEENAGED ANGSTY AXEL?

this was super fun to write actually, i whipped it up in about half an hour B) also, i am SO out of practice when it comes to writing in first person. remind me to never do that again. (i accidentally slipped into third person so many times, good thing i reread this)

anyways, enjoy!

a-far-off-memory

As the edge of the razor slid over the skin on my wrist, I felt like I could breathe again. The sharp pain focused me, made everything seem somehow clear. I knew it was wrong, I knew I could really hurt myself, but I couldn't give it up. I couldn't give up feeling.

Everything had been a mess lately. Mom had died a few months ago, and Dad...I didn't even recognize him anymore. He wasn't the man who raised me—the man who'd raised me would've never laid a hand on me no matter what.

The bruises disgusted me. At school, people asked about them...so I'd started getting into fights more, so that people would think that that was where they came from. It was disgusting, the lengths I had to go to so that people didn't realize that my own fucking alcoholic father beat me because he couldn't cope with losing Mom.

I was almost certain Riku suspected the truth, but he'd never outright asked. I almost wished he would, because...I just wanted to talk to someone. I didn't want to feel so alone. I just...I just wanted my mom back. She was someone I could've always gone to about anything. But cancer took her—it might as well have taken me, too, because I'd hardly call what I was doing living. I would've gladly taken my own life just to get away, but...

But Kairi. I couldn't leave her alone, who knew what Dad would do. As it was, I'd had to keep him away from her a few times, take extra hits so that she didn't have to. She'd become my world, and was literally the only reason I was still alive.

With a sigh, I stowed my blade and worked on stopping the blood, slapping a few band-aids on. Dad had left for the night, probably to get even more drunk somewhere, so I knew I'd have peace. I thought about calling Riku over, but soon decided against it. He was probably with Sora, anyway.

Sometimes, I wished I had someone like that. I wouldn't lie—I was jealous of my best friend. He'd found such a great boyfriend, meanwhile I was left to be alone and bitter. I wanted someone to kiss and hug and just love, someone who could maybe make this hellish life a little easier. But there was no one for me, of that I was sure—I swore the universe had something against me.

Once I was sure I wouldn't bleed everywhere, I left the bathroom and headed to the small kitchen to start cooking. Kairi was napping, but I knew she'd be up and hungry soon.

I thought of nothing as I methodically made mac n' cheese, focusing solely on my task. If I didn't focus, I knew I'd fuck up—I wasn't the best cook, after all. Nothing like mom had been. But I'd been steadily teaching myself from her cookbooks; someone had to cook for Kairi after all, and I knew Dad wouldn't. All he cared about was his liquor.

Sure enough, Kairi appeared in the kitchen as I was scooping noodles into bowls, rubbing her eyes and yawning tiredly. A soft, genuine smile pulled at my lips as I looked a her, abandoning the noodles to instead scoop her up, kissing her temple.

"Have a nice nap, monkey?" I asked, brushing her short red hair out of her face.

She made an unintelligible noise, burying her face in my neck. "Hung'y," she whispered.

I set her down in one of the chairs, kissing the top of her head and setting her bowl in front of her, handing her her favorite plastic spoon. "Eat up, kid," I told her, taking my own bowl and settling down beside her.

"T'anks, Aku," she mumbled, lifting her spoon awkwardly as most two year olds would, since the concept of feeding herself was still odd and messy. I often had to help her, she still hadn't quite gotten the hang of it.

We ate in relative silence. Kairi somehow managed to get noodles in her hair, which made me snort at the disgruntled look on her still-sleepy face. God, this kid was cute. She'd need a bath now, though...

"Kid, you're messy," I said, reaching over to ruffle her hair as I finished my food, chuckling. "Want help?"

She only nodded in reply, handing me her spoon. I helped her finish fast, hoisting her up once she was done and putting our dishes in the sink. "Time for a bath, stinky."

She sighed as a response. It kinda worried me that she didn't really talk much—but I supposed some kids were just more talkative than others. Sora's sister Xion never shut up. Made me thankful sometimes that Kairi was so quiet.

I got the bathtub filled and helped her in, immediately getting to work with her hair. It was a good thing that the band-aids were waterproof, or else they'd be falling off.

Kairi noticed them and look up at me with those big blue eyes that were the color of dad's, but the same shape as mom's. "Aku's hurt?" she questioned, tilting her head sideways and gently touching the band-aids.

I winced. "Yeah, kid, just a little boo-boo. Don't worry."

Her brow furrowed, and then she was leaning in and placing a kiss over the band-aids, looking satisfied once she did. "All bettah. Aku's not hurt now, riiiiight? Kai kiss ev'ryting aaaall bettah!"

God, I know it's stupid. But when she did that...I just couldn't not cry. My two-year old sister was there, trying to make me feel better after I was the one who'd hurt myself, and did it ever make me feel dumb. It scared me, too, because then I thought, what if I accidentally went too far? Cut too deep? What would she do then?

Her little hands rested on my cheeks, and then she was standing to give me a sloppy kiss on the nose. "Why Aku cry? Is Aku sad?"

I took a breath to try and calm the sobs trying to break loose, uncaring of the soap in her hair or the fact that she was soaked. I pulled her in and hugged her tight, taking a shaky breath.

"I really love you, kid. And I'm never, ever gonna leave you, okay? You'll always have your big brother, no matter what..." I whispered, needing her to know even if she probably didn't understand.

"And Aku always have me! I love Aku! Fo'eva n' eva!" she said brightly. I hadn't heard her talk so much in a while.

Shakily, I let her go and sat her back down to rinse her hair. Endangering myself just to feel...no, I couldn't do it anymore. I wouldn't, no matter what. Because I had someone who needed me, and that was enough. I was going to be the best I could be for my baby sister—I'd take care of her in the place of our good for nothing father. I'd love her enough for both of our parents.

I'll take good care of her, ma, I promised silently, glancing up toward the ceiling, toward the heavens. You don't have to worry about us. We'll be okay.

I'd take the bruises. I'd take the pain. All until I can take Kairi and move out. I'd get a job, I'd finish school, and I'd go to university, college, whatever. I'd make something of himself, and I'd make my mother proud. I'd give Kairi a good life, no matter what.

And maybe, just maybe, I'll find someone to love along the way.

a/n: DONT YOU WORRY BBY YOU'LL FIND ROXY IN A FEW YEARS AND YOU'LL BE SUPER HAPPY UNTIL YOU GET HIT BY A CAR THAT IS

so yeah i still owe you guys a zemyx oneshot for this! i'll try and get it done asap, but idk hahaha

feel free to leave a request in a review! i need to know what you guys wanna see!

afom out~