Chapter 9

Jack paused on his porch to wrap the blanket around his shoulders. He made a half-hearted attempt to gather his thoughts before walking down to meet Sam, but gave it up after a moment as a bad job. Gathering his thoughts wouldn't help. He'd spent years thinking of all the things he'd like to say to her, if given the chance. The chance was here and the man who was crap with words was just going to have to wing it. He stepped off and moved quietly down to the dock.

Jack paused one last time just before stepping on to the dock. God, she was beautiful. A tear had slipped down her face, but she didn't look stricken as she had the night of her dad's funeral. There was more of a calm acceptance in her features, as she stared out at the fast fading sunset.

Just before he moved to step to the dock, Sam turned. She'd sensed him standing behind her. It was time. She stood up to meet him with a quiet "Hi."

Jack smiled softly and opened his arms, spreading the blanket across his shoulders and forming wings with his arms. "It's getting chilly. Want to go in, or wrap up and wait for the stars to come out?"

Sam walked up to him. It was time to cast shyness away and step up like the soldier she was. She took one arm and slowly turned into Jack's chest so he could wrap his arms around her as she leaned back into his embrace. "Let's stay out."

Jack leaned down so that his head ducked into the juncture of Sam's neck and shoulder. He took a deep breath and inhaled her essence. God she smelled good. For a moment, Jack allowed his senses to be overwhelmed with her. It would be so easy to just say nothing, but they needed to talk and for once, Jack wanted to talk.

Jack stepped over to the chaize lounge and sat down, drawing Sam into the seat to nestle between his legs, turning her slightly so he could see her face, but still have her snug in his arms. This was a face to face conversation. Eye contact was a must. Too many emotions and feelings were at stake to risk miscommunication for lack of eye contact.

They were making a good start. She hadn't called him Sir since around lunch time. They'd been talking about his now-populated lake and she'd slipped into old habits. He'd told her if they were going to have any sort of fun on this vacation, she'd have to drop it, so she made him drop Carter, to be fair. Both of them had been making the effort to remember.

Jack felt he needed to be the first to start. "Sam, you know Kerri is history, right?" Jack cringed, okay, it was a bad start, but it was ground they needed to cover.

Sam stiffened slightly, but relaxed again almost immediately. "I thought so, but I wasn't sure. You know I broke up with Pete?"

"Yeah. Daniel told me. I'm sorry." Okay, so that was a lie. He wasn't sorry, but he was sorry for her. For the pain it had caused her.

"Don't be. I should have stopped it a long time ago, I was just too much of a coward."

"Hey." Jack lifted her chin so he could look her in the eye. "None of that. No talk of cowards and recriminations. We need to talk, but we're never gonna to get anywhere if we spend most of our time laying blame. Talk, but no blame, okay?"

Sam thought about it for a moment. He was right, of course. If given the chance, she would probably spend most of their conversation blaming herself. Lord knows, she deserved it. She'd been the one to date and break their unspoken understanding of waiting until time provided opportunity. She'd spent a good portion of the day wallowing in self-recrimination, in fact. "Will you at least let me apologize? I need to do that at least. I hurt you and I have no excuse for it. I was so wrong . . ."

Jack cocked his head and nodded. He really wanted to know what had prompted her to date Pete in the first place. He needed to understand why she'd walked away.

Sam took a deep breath and started. "I'm not sure I understand everything, so you're going to have to bear with me, okay?" Another nod. "I had hallucinations when I was on board Prometheus. I know, probably to be expected considering the concussion I had, but these hallucinations were so real, Jack. First there was Teal'c. He kept pushing me to stay alive and fight. Not much of a brainer there, huh, I mean Teal'c - it's what you'd expect."

Sam was stalling, but Jack sat patiently listening. He wasn't going to ruin this by being impatient. "And then Daniel. Daniel wanted me to take time and explore the gas cloud. Sounds like him, huh?" Another stall and another nod. "There was also this little girl. Her name was Grace. I don't know what she wanted, but she kept blowing bubbles and singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. I still haven't figured her out." Another stall and Jack still hadn't done more than nod, listening attentively.

Another big breath and Sam continued, "My dad was there." This time the pause wasn't a stall. Sam swallowed a fresh lump of grief. Jack laced his fingers through hers and squeezed in silent support. Sam nodded and went on, "Dad didn't want to talk about the cloud. He wanted to talk about me. He asked me if I was happy and when I told him I was, he told me I wasn't – he said I was content, but not really happy. He told me I needed to let go of the things that were preventing me from finding happiness. I mean I know I wasn't really talking to Daniel, Teal'c or my dad. I was talking to me. My subconscious." Sam paused to gather her thoughts again.

"Where was I?" The question came soft as a breath near her ear. Sam turned and gazed into his eyes.

"You were there. You came last. I was in the engine room. I'd given up and you came in and told me to get off my ass. I called you 'Sir' and you chastised me. You said that even in my head I still called you 'Sir.' I asked you if it would make any difference if I quit the Air Force."

"I would never ask you to give up your career." Jack's eyes were intense, but his voice was soft.

Sam snorted a sad little laugh. "That's exactly what the you in my head said."

Jack cocked his head again. "It's true. I would never ask."

"I know. That's probably why the you in my head said it. This was my subconscious talking, after all. You also told me that you would be here for me - always."

"That's true too. You know it is, Sam. No matter what happens now, or ever. I will always be here for you." The sincerity rang in his voice.

Sam smiled, grateful. The fact that this man still cared for her after all she'd put him through was a wonder to her.

"Do you remember when I woke up in the infirmary? You were the first person I saw. You'd been waiting for me, hadn't you?" Sam knew it, but needed the reassurance. She knew he waited on all of them when they were hurt and unconscious, but she still needed to hear it.

"Yes. I'd been waiting. Janet tried to kick me out a dozen times, but I couldn't leave until I was sure you were going to be alright. She finally gave up." A small stab of pain lanced through both of them at the thought of Janet. Her loss wasn't fresh, but it still hurt. "When you came to, you called my name, Sam. You said Jack." Jack was starting to feel sick. Had that been the turning point? "I was so shocked, I did the stupidest thing possible, I questioned you on it. I'm sorry."

"Shhh. No apologize and no recriminations, remember?" Jack nodded. "That wasn't what did it, but I'll admit, it started me thinking about the experience and all that my dad and you had said to me. I thought I needed to move on. You had told me that you were my safe bet and I took that to mean that as long as I was setting my sights on what I thought was unobtainable, I couldn't be hurt by anyone else."

"So . . ."

"So when Mark called and wanted to set me up with Pete, I decided to accept. I never thought I would ever have let it go as far as I did." Sam was about to apologize again, Jack could hear it in her voice.

"You don't need to apologize, Sam. I don't blame you for trying to get a life. I'd ordered you to get a life over and over. I really did want you to be happy and if it wasn't with me . . . well, still, all I ever wanted was your happiness."

Sam was humbled. She'd broken their unspoken agreement. She'd dated and almost married another man and still Jack could look her square in the eye and tell her all he ever wanted was her happiness.

"I don't deserve you." Sam reached up and caressed Jack's cheek. Her whisper was low and hoarse. Her eyes bright with tears. "You are such a good man and I hurt you. I tried to tell myself that I wasn't hurting you, but I knew I was. How could I not hurt you? I was hurting myself. I tried to run away from it. From you, but in the end I couldn't run anymore. Will you ever forgive me?"

Jack hugged her tightly to his chest. He ached for the time they had lost. "Hey, I was just as bad as you. I should have told you how I felt a long time ago. I wanted to tell you so many times, Sam. We kept it in that room out of necessity, but there were so many times...when the Entity took you and I killed you. After I came back from Ba'al..."

Jack paused that was a memory he had no interest in reviving right now. He moved on quickly, "After you brought me and Maybourne home from that moon . . . and especially after we got you back from Prometheus. Teal'c tried to tell me while you were missing, but I pushed him and my thoughts away. I told myself I couldn't afford to dwell on it. I needed to concentrate on just finding you, but when you got back, I let the time slide by and said nothing. There were so many times I should have just laid it down, but I didn't."

Jack paused but continued again almost immediately, "And then you started dating Pete. I should have told you Pete ran a background check on you and I didn't. I was wallowing in my own self-pity and telling myself I just wanted you to be happy. I should have told you and I didn't."

Jack swung Sam around and took her head in his hands. "We make a pact now, Sam. We were both wrong and we both hurt each other. Kerri told me I would be a fool to let anything stand in our way. Your dad told me and Daniel and Teal'c have told me - well, T didn't tell me, he just did that eyebrow thing . . . "

Sam smiled and was grateful for his attempt at levity, but Jack went on, "We were both wrong, but we move on from here. Deal?"

Sam sighed and leaned forward until her forehead touched his. She still didn't deserve him, but by some miracle he was still hers and she wasn't going to deny it anymore. "Deal."

Jack drew back and looked into Sam's eyes and then at her lips. He wanted to kiss her so bad. His heart rate doubled and his pulse pounded in his ears. His voice dropped low and became rough. "Sam, I want to . . .?" His question trailed off as Sam's tongue came out to lick her lips. He was lost to this woman. Jack's entire being was focused on Sam's lips. He needed to kiss her like he needed to breathe.

"Yes." Sam's whispered reply was followed by the soft and tentative brush of her lips against his. Slow and soft their lips played over each other. Holly Hannah! The man could kiss! Sam's heart was singing. She was at Jack O'Neill's cabin, sitting on Jack O'Neill's dock, in Jack O'Neill's arms, kissing Jack O'Neill! Her fantasies weren't this perfect.

They broke apart, both out of breath, and clutched each other fiercely. Everything was still too new to do more than kiss. They still had much to talk about, but they'd made a good start. After a while, Jack pulled back. Night had long since fallen in earnest and it was getting cold. "Let's go in. We don't have to say it all now and I think we could both use the break, humm?"

Sam nodded her agreement. Much as she yearned to slip into his arms and the bliss she knew she'd find, Sam knew they needed to go slow. They'd been waiting years. After all that had gone between them, it was too important now that they talk and move slowly into this new relationship. They both needed time to contemplate their future. Both were confident they knew what they wanted, but it was best to move slowly down the road to getting there.

For now, they would wait - maybe not contentedly, but they would wait. They moved together toward Jack's cabin, arm in arm. Jack pushed open the door, expecting to find Daniel and Teal'c waiting. Instead, there was a note on the kitchen table:

Jack and Sam,

Four's a crowd. You two have a lot to talk about. Teal'c and I took the truck and have decided to do some sightseeing for the next few days. We'll keep in touch via cell phone.

Teal'c and I have waited a long time for you two to get your act together, so don't screw it up!

Daniel

Jack was grinning and Sam felt a little sheepish. "Are we really that pathetic?"

Jack chuckled, "You know, I've been wondering the same thing. It seems like everyone knows about us, but us. It's nice of them to give us some time alone, though."

Sam nodded. They still had a lot to talk about, but they'd made a start. "How if we get something to eat? We can talk some more after dinner. Deal?"

Jack smiled. Maybe this talking thing wasn't so hard after all. "Deal."