A.N. Hey y'all. Things have been slow this week, huh. Reviews are like a fix for writers, y'know. Great, now I'm begging. Er, well, still, this is Yu-Gi-Oh!, I'm surprised to see so many fans sticking to it to this day. And I doubt it's just because of LK. Silly as it is, YGO still has its appeal, I guess. And I'm not one to be ungrateful, so thanks for taking the time to read this story, even if you can't find it in yourself to say something about it. Also I'm kinda drunk and will probably regret writing this. Meh.

Oh, and I'll probably start posting on AO3 too, maybe. I dunno, haven't checked out the YGO fandom there yet.

7. Hoist by his own petard

Joey looked at the school books in disgust. With all that was happening, he couldn't concentrate. Plus, doing homework really sucked. Screw it, he could always copy off Yugi or Tristan. Kaiba probably needed him; if he wasn't there to make sure he rested once in a while, he would definitely collapse eventually. He called him to check if he was home.

"Hey Kaiba, how you do—"

"Busy. Don't come here."

"Well, there's no need to be rude!" But Kaiba had hung up already. "Agh! Screw you. I'm going to Yug's."

oOo

"Why don't you just use that thing on him?" Kaiba pointed to the disassembled sense disruptor.

"I still cannot believe you dismantled my baby. That was totally uncalled for. Well, I couldn't make it with the settings I wanted. I did use it on him for a while the way it is, and it helped me to delay his… vengeance. But when he found out, he got even madder and had someone build him an immunity device. In the shape of a crown, no less. Man, does he think highly of himself. That's when I escaped and started living in the shitty slums, working on the Otherworldly Gadget of Dreams. Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

"I'm still not interested."

"But… don't you feel bad knowing somewhere Puppy, I mean, Wheeler has the advantage over you? That you're supposed to be his slave?"

Puppy? What the hell? "Wasn't the situation the opposite before? Wasn't he your slave? If you ask me, I think you deserve it. Why can't you just have a normal relationship without this slave bullshit?"

"Where's the fun in that? And don't defend that dog. He's not exactly a little angel like yours. Besides, the term was his idea actually. Sort of. Well, not really, but it did come from him."

"You're really not making a good job in convincing me to help you. Let go of the slave deal and I'll think about it."

"Not happening."

"Then kindly fuck off. I'm too busy to deal with your psychotic nonsense."

The crazy Kaiba hit his fists on the workbench. "Don't you get it? If it's not like that, I…"

"You what?" But Kaiba had an idea of what he was going to say.

"If… if I don't force him, he won't be with me. He hates me. For some reason."

"For some reason? Look, I'm not gonna start giving out relationship advices out of nowhere because honestly, I don't have much experience myself, but you're really not making it any easier. I'd say the only thing you got going for you is your looks-"

"Oh, stop it, you." The crazy Kaiba gave him a lopsided smile.

"And at least for my Wheeler that isn't enough." He immediately regretted saying my Wheeler, but what was done, was done. "I don't know if yours is anything remotely like him, but if you really want him, you gonna have to get off your high horse and actually do something."

"What did you do?"

"Well…" Kaiba couldn't reply for a few seconds. "…Nothing. But the situations are a little reversed here."

"Yeah? How so?"

"Er… he was the one who declared to me, and while knowing I was an asshole."

"Oh, so what you're saying is that I'm fucked. I'm not going to submit to him. It's either me in charge or nothing."

"It shouldn't be anyone in charge! Why can't you understand something so simple?" He sighed, feeling completely lost. "I'm guessing our worlds and circumstances are pretty different. I don't know you, I don't know him and I don't know what went on between you. But if whatever it is you were doing didn't work, maybe you should try something else."

"Like what? Like how to be a nice boy, don't handcuff him to the bed when he's mad, don't force him to screw when he's not in the mood and shit like that?"

Kaiba wrinkled his nose, trying to hide his dismay. "…That would be a start, yeah."

"That goes against my nature, but maybe it's worth a try. But I can't do that right now when he's the one after my ass. But you know, maybe you should let me practice on your Wheeler."

Kaiba grabbed him by the collar and spoke as calm and low as possible. "You're dead the second you touch him again."

But the intimidation didn't exactly work like he wanted. "You use that tone of voice on me again and I'll think about changing targets. I've always wondered what it would be like doing it with myself. I mean, I do like him, but we are the hottest person in the universe." He licked his lips and winked.

Kaiba got close enough to touch noses and spitefully used the same tone as before. "I'd rather give all my money to charity."

"Ouch."

Joey chose this moment to burst through the door. "Hey Kaiba, I know you said you're busy but face it, you can't live without me anym—what the fuck! Why is the loony back here? And… are you cheating on me with him?" And why do I find it disturbingly hot?!

Kaiba let go of the other and stood between him and Joey, ready to at least knock him out if he made any sudden moves. "In his dreams. And didn't I tell you not to come here?"

"Yeah, but I was—"

"Puppy! You came back to see me again?"

Joey looked at him with a sneer, then stared at his Kaiba. "You start calling me puppy too and I'm getting the fuck out of dodge."

"Not in this lifetime, loser."

"That's better. Wait. What did you mean by 'in his dreams'? Now he's after you too?"

Ignoring him, Kaiba went to look at his long-forgotten hologram projector just to have something to do. "Go make us some burgers, Wheeler."

"What? Who died and made you boss? You go make burgers!"

"Alright, I'll go and you stay here with him."

"…On second thought, I think I'll go make us some burgers."

For both their sakes, Kaiba fought the urge to call him a 'good boy'. After Joey left, he turned his attention back to the other. "What kind of help do you even want from me anyway?"

"Time machine."

"Nope."

"It's gotta be a time machine."

"Look, even without that book I can see how a dimension machine is remotely feasible, but a time machine is nothing but fiction. Was this your whole plan? You don't sound all that clever to me."

"Well, I didn't say I thought it through. I mostly wanted to get out of there before they found me. And believe me, he can track like a hound. I think he's a crossbred or som—"

"Focus."

"Right. Our IQs together must surpass 500, I'm sure we can think of an infallible plan."

"How about you challenge him to a rematch?"

"When he won, it was already a rematch, and since I 'lost', I can't challenge him again, it's against the rules."

"What? What kind of moron created these rules?"

"Hey, shut up! Nobody can defeat me. I wouldn't even need a rematch if he hadn't cheated."

"How did he cheat anyway?"

"It's… really stupid."

"Yeah, like everything else. How?"

"Well, on a whim I let him use his own deck. It was the deck I had given him for his birthday, and I even had the dealer check it beforehand to see if he hadn't marked the cards, and there wasn't anything unusual. But the thing is… he sprayed the cards with perfume and memorised each smell."

"…"

"I know."

"How would that even work?!"

"Well, I keep calling him a dog, and he does have the nose for it."

Kaiba sighed, not trying to understand anymore. "…So, what are the rules then?"

"If the Master challenges you and you lose, you can have a rematch after one year. If you challenge and lose, there's no rematch. And like I said, the loser of a rematch can't challenge again. The loser works for the Master, and it's a perpetual contract; it's not that bad actually, there is a great health plan. Hmm… that or you just become his paramour, if he decides it so. If you win, you're the new Master. Simple as that. The only way I could go back to being Master is if he challenged me again. And well, he can be pretty dumb sometimes, but unfortunately not that dumb."

Kaiba had to think for a moment, to remember what 'paramour' meant and let everything sink in. "So I imagine you made these rules to get yourself a harem."

"That was the initial plan, yes, but unfortunately most people who ever dared challenge me weren't to my taste, so they were just made into regular employees, with the exception of Puppy, of course. I did occasionally challenge one or other hot piece of ass, but they were much too wusses to accept. Oh, but it was especially fun defeating that shrimp Muto."

"Y-you defeated Muto? Yugi Muto?"

"Well, yeah. He wasn't anything special, but that freaky hair of his pissed me off."

Kaiba had to concentrate or he would probably break something. So, he vowed to challenge Yugi to a game of Poker someday.

Joey returned with three burgers, gave one to Kaiba, put the other in front of the lunatic and stared unceremoniously at him.

"Did you poison mine, Puppy?"

"Of course not! You may have no qualms about killing someone but I do!"

"I see. So you spat in it."

"Wha—? Li-like I would do something that childish."

"Alright. Give me yours then."

Joey hesitated for a moment. "Okay, I spat in it."

The crazy Kaiba shook his head. "Bad, bad Puppy." He started eating the burger anyway.

"Hey, shut up, pal! Think I'll just forget what you did?" And what you almost did. Ugh.

"Ah, I didn't mean any of what I said. And I wasn't really going to do anything to you."

"Yeah, right."

He bowed his head deeply. "Please accept my sincerest apologies, I was merely jesting."

Joey looked at him, almost swayed enough to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"I mean, it's not like I brought my toys with me."

"…You're disgusting."

"Thanks. I try. Hey, you know how the Burger King got the Dairy Queen pregnant?"

"No. How?" He replied on a reflex.

"He forgot to wrap his whopper."

Joey tried to hold, he really did, but five seconds later he was laughing. "Man, that one sucked."

"No. If she had, she wouldn't have gotten pregnant." That did it. Joey laughed even harder.

Kaiba started to feel sick watching the interaction between them, but he'd sooner dye his own hair green before he admitted out loud he was jealous.

"So what the hell should we call you anyway? Calling you both Kaiba would just be confusing. And forget about that Master bullshit, it ain't happening."

"Why don't you just call your sweetheart by the first name?"

Joey turned beet red. "Well, t-that uh, that would… um… Kaiba would…" He looked at Kaiba, but he had his back turned and was messing with something on a shelf.

"Yeah, yeah, you're a shy little puppy, I get it." Kaiba said nothing, since he too wasn't crazy about the idea of calling Joey by the first name. "Well, I guess you could call me B., it was my nickname when I was a cute little boy."

"B.? As is Butthead?"

"As in Beautiful. Go ahead, say it's not true."

"Er…" Joey wasn't sure of what to say. Kaiba simply rolled his eyes.

"B., huh? Repeat your story to Wheeler; I have some emails to send." He grabbed his laptop and started typing non-stop, while B. filled Joey in on the story.

"Perfume, eh? Heard that one before."

B. stared creepily at him.

"Geez, blink, man. If you keep staring at me like that your eyes will dry out and fall from your head."

"Puppy, that doesn't even— never mind. Here's what I was thinking: how about we get you and my Puppy to exchange places, so you would challenge me and lose on purpose? We wait until it's his sleepy-time, he won't even notice. Then we exchange you back and things go back to being perfect!"

"Man, that's a low plan."

B. looked puzzled. "…So?"

Kaiba crossed his arms, hesitant. "Do they speak and behave the same way?"

"Not even remotely. Why?"

"It wouldn't work out." He pointed at Joey. "This person can't act for shit, he'd be immediately found out."

Joey resented that comment. "What? How would you even know that?"

"Alright. Act."

"…Eh… but just like that, out of a sudden? Well… alright, here goes nothing."

He cleared his throat, got on one knee, looking at nothing apparently, with one hand over his chest and the other extended in front of him. "Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Where— uh… I don't really know the line."

"Juliet? Really? You could have at least chosen Hamlet."

"Hey, you didn't exactly give me time to prepare, you know!"

"Forget it. I remember you on school plays. You couldn't act even when you were cast as a rock. A static rock without any lines."

Joey was torn between being mad at Kaiba for not acknowledging his superb acting skills, or happy that he watched and remembered his plays. He chose the former.

"Listen, mister! I'll have you know I even got a trophy for a play once!"

"Oh yeah? What for?"

"I don't… I don't feel like telling you."

"It was for Hamlet, wasn't it?

Joey lowered his head. "Yes."

"And it was a comic relief trophy, because you managed to transform that into a comedy, wasn't it?"

His voice was barely audible. "Yes."

"I rest my case."

"Maybe you could act if you were cast as a dog, huh?" Joey slapped B. over the head. "Ow! Watch it, I have a bump there! Oh well, we'll think of something else."

Kaiba sighed, knowing there was no other way to get rid of that guy. "Here's something else. I will challenge this Master."

TBC

+ "How about you challenge him to a rematch?"

"(…) it's against the rules."

"Screw the rules, I have money."

Tell me you weren't expecting that.

And… did I just indirectly call Mai a bitch?

No, B. doesn't stand for Beautiful :) but it totally should~

Er… I'm always claiming that I know all there is to know about Yu-Gi-Oh(!) but I've been spelling Yugi's surname "Moto", when it's supposed to be "Muto". Oh well, blame it on 4Kids.