Why should I care, Cuz you weren't there when I was scared I was so alone. You, you need to listen, I'm starting to trip, I'm losing my grip and I'm in this thing alone -Avril Lavigne Losing Grip
The darkness, something so mysterious and so devious, it is it's own demon. Devouring the light and spitting out the carcasses of the once vibrant spirits and souls. It bleeds in like a dying soldier on the battle lines fighting for life, losing to the coming black and gray. Raphael looked out into the darkness in his room, feeling the eyes of the lost souls staring down at him with the sweet satisfaction of revenge. He had grown accustomed to the feel of death, the feel of isolation and left alone in the dark. It reminded him of his failure to protect, his one role he held so dear to himself that he could no longer bare the title.
He saw the darkness, he saw The Guardians. He saw his baby brother, lifeless. He knew he was torturing himself,punishing his own mind by reliving the thoughts, the memories of the battered brother he found in the cell, the figure he saw in the spiritual passing that showed him death and despair. But he felt he truly deserved it. He deserved the fate of continuous reminder of failure. He deserved the dark, the deep edges of reality to boom down at him, spearing his mind and striking him in every direction, to suffer.
He felt this was only fair. His brother, Michelangelo who had done no wrong to anyone be taken and stripped of what ever light he had and forced down the hole unimaginable pain and agony. He felt terribly responsible. He understood that he didn't cause Mikey's capture; no, no one was to blame for that. He felt responsible because he felt he should have tried harder, give all he had when he was given the chance to act. He felt he deserved the pain, not Mikey.
Raphael knew better then anyone that he was no saint. No he was far from such a pure word. Yes, he fought for good but it doesn't mean his hands weren't tainted with red.
He was drunk, terribly drunk. He and Casey were out, taking out Purple Dragons wherever they may have been. It was simple, even for Raph being as hammered as he was. He wasn't being careful in the slightest. He swung his Sais, fought hard with sloppy, uncoordinated movements, and a accident occurred. His Sai sliced through something soft, creamy blood dripping at the end. His fogged mind cleared, his vision saw.
A little boy. A little kid with shaggy blonde hair and bright blue eyes looking up at him in horror. Raphael couldn't breathe, he couldn't think. His Sai was deeply plunged in the stomach of the child. In panic, he ripped it out, watching the boy fork forward before falling face down into the ground under him. Raphael watched as the blood build around the small form. He felt Casey tugging on him, telling him it was time to go. Raph couldn't move, feeling his body sober up. Why? Why was this child here in the first place? What was he doing out this late?
They took off, unable to assist the child. Raphael found refuge at Casey's apartment, taking bottle after bottle and dumping them down the drain, swearing to himself he would never drink again.
He came home the next night, groggy and frustrated, unable to get the images of the child out of his head. He was happy he phoned his family first to tell him of his plans of staying with Casey during the day so no questions were asked when he walked through the door.
He saw Master Splinter and Leonardo sitting on the sofa and watching the evening news. Curious to see what was on, he walked up behind the couch and felt the breath catch in his throat. The boy's face came to the screen. His name was Robbie. He was sleep walking and left his apartment. The news reporter said that he was caught in between a gang fight, getting stabbed in the stomach as his outcome. The reporter spoke her opinion, saying only a monster to kill a defenseless kid.
Raphael felt the floor beneath him begin to wobble, swaying like a boat. He stepped back and turned on his heel towards his room. He kept his head down, ashamed of himself for ever allowing his focus to falter like it did. His lack of attention to where he was walking and collided with his youngest brother. He looked down at him, seeing the questioning look on his face. His bright blue irises looking up at him. That innocent look, same as the kid. It was all too much. Raphael flung his arms around his brother, holding him tightly against him, fearing of letting go. So many times, so many times there were close calls, death knocking at their door. That day Raphael saw death for what it was, and it was by his hands. The entire night passed with Raphael sobbing, telling Michelangelo apologies that were misplaced. All Raph knew was he never wanted to see that look in his brothers eyes, not ever.
He failed, failed the one goal he had in life. He saw that look, that same expression of fear and hatred. Raphael couldn't look at Mikey without being attacked once again with the horrid memories. It was one thing for Raph to sit alone and think of the sins, but another to have his sin staring at him in the eye.
He avoided his younger brother as much as he could, allowing the now frustrated and angered turtle to have his space and place to breathe. At least Raph could grant him that, a small piece of reassurance that Raphael will not push him in any way. At the end of the day, Raphael could not muster the strength to attempt to argue, take control. He was weighed down by his own guilt and shame, he couldn't bring himself back up in the rut he had dug himself up into.
He heard a light knock at his door and he refused to acknowledgment it. The small amount of light filled the room slightly, revealing Leo standing partially in the room.
"Hey Raph, Master Splinter wants to talk to you." He said quietly. Raph didn't even flinch from the demand. He laid in his hammock, gazing into nothing.
"Raph, did you hear me?" Leo questioned, opening the door wider.
"Yes. I'll be there in a minute." Raph could sense his brother standing there for a minute more before leaving the room, keeping the door open. Raphael was reluctant to move from his place, allowing his bed to sway from side to side lightly. With a sigh, he sat up and swung his feet over the side of the hammock and stepping onto the floor, watching as his feet sunk into the darkened ground. His body felt heavier then usual when he stood up.
He walked out of his room, grimacing at the sudden intrusion of the light. He saw Donatello's lab open and heard the small murmurs of his two older brothers. He turned and walked toward his father's room, feeling slightly light headed. He made it to the door and slid it open. He walked in, taking in the smell of the lightly lit ensense swam his senses as he walked over to the mat in front of Master Splinter. He kept his head down, unable to lift it to meet his sensei's gaze.
"Raphael." His voice was even and soft. Raph couldn't surpass the shiver he felt listening to his father's voice.
"Raphael, look up please." The command was small but was powerful. He swallowed, then raised his head. His father's face was sympathy filled making Raph cringe. He didn't want sympathy from anyone.
"How are you feeling my son?" He asked. Raphael turned his eyes away and shrugged.
"Raphael I can sense your struggle. I know that the recent events have been especially hard on you. Maybe it's time to speak out these feelings you have." He offered. Raphael shifted on his knees slightly. He shook his head, refusing his father's request.
"Raphael?" He questioned. His but his lip, scrunching his eyes. He just wanted to leave. He wanted his father to stop probing him with questions. But he knew he wasn't going to stop. He truly wanted to speak out. For a while now he wanted to. But, he was held back, anchored by shame and regret.
"I-I don't know how." He admitted. Raphael heard his father 'hmm' in response, observing his son on a deeper leave.
"Is it you don't know how or you don't know who to confine in?" He asked. Raphael thought about the question, pondering over the possible answers he could give in response.
"My son, for this past month, I have observed you, taken in your actions and behavior. You are trying to stay behind walls, protect us from feeling your burden yes?" Raphael kept his eyes away, feeling his throat go dry. His father was always able to read right through him.
"I failed sensei. I don't know-" He cut himself off, not knowing exactly what to say. Splinter raised an eye ridge at him.
"How did you fail Raphael?" Raph bit his lip before looking up at his father once more.
"I couldn't save him. We lost him and I couldn't bring him back." He spoke quietly. Splinter nodded in understanding.
"You speak of his personality and spirit don't you?" Raphael nodded. Splinter sighed and sat up slightly.
"Raphael I will tell you, you may have lost the battle, but you have not lost the fight." He smiled warmly. Raph gave him questioning eyes, confused on what he meant.
"My son, Michelangelo is lost and afraid. But, he is still there inside." He placed a paw on his own chest. "Just as you, he is confused and is suffering. That is why I believe that you should try and speak to him, share your burden and he will do the same with you." a shot of fear went through Raphael's face.
"Master Splinter, I-I don't think-" Splinter cut him off.
"My son, this fear you have, it must be faced. You fear to face your failure, but you have not failed yet. You have the chance to fix whatever you feel is broken. Michelangelo will not speak to Leonardo and does not respect Donatello. Only you have the ability to break down his wall, and possibly break down yours. So please, try for your sake, and for Michelangelo's." Splinter spoke. Raphael swallowed hard. He took in a shuddering breath, fearing something that didn't exist.
"I'll try Master Splinter." he said quietly, standing up. Splinter quickly followed, placing a paw on the turtle's shoulder.
"Raphael, you are strong and brave and will sacrifice anything for this family. But, never forget that you are not a soldier or a mindless drone. You have struggles and emotions just as anyone. Don't ever forget that." He tried to soothe. Raphael listened carefully to his father's words. Yes, what he said was true. Out of all of them, Raphael was not the one to hide his emotion from the world. But sometimes, he really did feel like the soldier.
Leonardo was the leader, commanding them to do the rest. Donatello's intellect, surpassing the rest of them by hundreds of years it seemed. Michelangelo was the wittiest of them all, able to use his sharper mind and keener senses to understand situations, even if he didn't take them seriously. Raphael was the beef, the muscle that went in first and was the shield. He protected and took the blows and blunts from their enemies. In the end, it was his job to be solid, to be a brick wall and not allow anyone to see weakness in his strong build. But his father was right, he may be as strong as a bull, by his heart was like any others.
With a small nod, he turned on his heel and headed out of the room and towards the dojo where the sounds of grunts and hits could be made out by his feral younger brother.
A/N: Let me just say I am so sorry about the really late update. I was meaning to post this two days ago but of course I was on my death bed with a really bad flu so I couldn't really focus with my over heated head :( But I am alive today and was able to finish the chapter. It's shorter then I wanted but oh well. Hope you guys enjoy and please review!