So, my excuse for the really late update? Schedule guys, it's terrible. If you guys don't already know I am a Baseball Manager for my school so I have had back to back games and we made it to play offs as well. I have also have work and I am graduating here in like three weeks, so finals, AP tests and everything else that can stress an eighteen year old out is coming to play. But, this weekend is pretty free so I have this chapter up and I am hoping to update The Perfect Student as well. Please be patient with me guys I am so sorry!
So this story has one more chapter then an epilogue. Boy I am almost done!
So please enjoy and please review! (:
Pain is a feeling that stays, even motivates a person to move, to breath, to fight. It creates a sense of adrenaline, a passionite force of fury and dangerous strength that influences the mind to the greatest lengths of fear. The fear of losing precious time and life. But, a painful reminder that one is still alive, still breathing; exsisting.
Mikey pounded the punching bag with the strength he possessed. His strength taken away and has taken weeks to gain a quarter of it back. He felt the weakness, the shear difference of his punches, his hits and kicks. His muscles still loose and at one point even more toned than Leo's. He threw one more strong punch, grasping the swinging bag with trembling hands as his body wracked with coughes, feeling the flem build in his throat. His vision crossing slightly, feeling the fatique and tiredness from over exerting his body. He growled. How could he allow himself to grow so weak, so painfully weak. He was never the one to fight off sicknesses well. He remember days he would be forced to stay in beds for days at a time, his immune system being his worst enemy. But now, he was lucky it worked at all.
Donnie tried to explain to him that it will get better, but it would take time. It's been long enough but it still wasn't changing. Every time that Don would sit down and try to help him, he couldn't help but to snap and growl at his older brother. It was all too familiar. The smell of his lab, the needles and medications. He thought of the nurse and allowed it to haunt him. It was a continuous reminder and he wanted that. He needed to know how badly he failed to fuel his determination to get better, stronger.
He needed to.
Thinking of his brothers made his stomach turn. Leonardo has been so patient with him, calm and collected like he always is. But Mikey could never seem to bring himself to look at his eldest brother, let alone talk to him. He failed his brother. When he looked at Leo he thought of Rictor and his explanations with the bandannas. He did try and be like Leo, he wanted to be. He wanted to be strong and brave. Leo would have never allowed Rictor or Miles to use him like they did, to beat him and rape him.
The word made him shiver. No. He won't live in that memory. Rictor was dead. He killed him. Then, Miles tried to take his life and disappeared. Mikey ran a hand over his face. No, he couldn't face Leo until he knew he could protect himself once more. But Mikey didn't know what he had to protect himself from. Everything was still so confusing, so rushed and out numbered it was depressing. He looked to the side to see the child again. That piece of him that continued to nag and bother him. He looked up at him with curious eyes.
"What about Raphie?" He asked. He was reading Mikey's thoughts. He looked away and thought about it. Raphael was avoiding him. He wasn't too sure as to why his immediate older brother scurried off into another room when Mikey would come through but was happy that he never pushed the issue of what happened to him. In a way he felt sort of offended that he never did mention anything and he meant anything around him. Raphael seemed to make it his goal to completely avoid him in every shape and form.
Mikey couldn't lie if he said he missed his family. He missed the fun times, the patrols, the lectures and even normal practices.
He suddenly started to cough again harshly. He hated this more then anything. He felt he would never get better, never grow stronger. He nearly jumped out of his shell when he heard the door open.
He looked over to the door and saw Raphael himself standing there. The sudden sense of an elephant being in the room was taking up the space. Mikey looked over to see the child had disappeared. He licked his lips before looking back up to his brother.
Raphael looked as though he hasn't slept in days. His solemn eyes sunken in, worry engraved in the deep cracks of his face.
He had almost forgot how much larger Raphael was to him. His thicker body, his taller stature over shadowing him. Even though all his brothers were slightly bigger then him, it was Raphael that had always been the wall. He would remember the days that Raph would step in front of the fight and take the blows. He stood tall, strong and build. But, looking at him now was like looking at a tired old man.
They stared at each other for a few minutes, Mikey sensing the unease and the sense of sadness. He cleared his throat, fighting back the urge to cough.
"Sorry. I'll get out of your way." He murmured, attempting to leave. He tried to pass Raph when he suddenly got in his way. Mikey looked up and a sweep of anger passed through his face. Raphael stared down at him, unmoved like a statue. Raphael reached behind himself and shut the door. He stepped forward, making Mikey to step back making more room between them and the door.
"We need to talk." He spoke. Mikey's suddenly sneered and smirked, turning his eyes away from Raphael.
"Wow, and I thought I would count of you not wanting to talk to me." He said. He shot his eyes back at Raphael's direction.
"Now move." He demanded. Mikey wasn't too sure what he was doing. He didn't know how Raphael would react to him, but he felt angry and he was willing to take it out on his brother if he had to.
"No, Mikey were talking." Raphael's voice grew firmer. He raised an eye ridge when he suddenly heard the small growl leave his brothers lips.
This was the first time that Raphael has stood in front of his younger brother, taking in the bizarre anger and frustration. The fire in his eyes was clear and would take time to extinguish.
"You can't scare me away Mike." And that was the truth. Michelangelo may try with all his might to try and make Raphael flee, but Raph saw fear, he saw outcomes and nothing that Mikey could do could be more scarier then that.
"Move!" Mikey demanded.
"Not happening." He retorted. Mikey sneered and took a stance. Raphael cocked his head to the side.
"You wanna fight me?" He asked, voice even. Mikey didn't responded but continued to stare, stance ready. He was determined not lose. He will prove he wasn't weak.
Raphael stood for a moment more before taking stance. He could see it in his brother's stature that he was still in no position to fight at full force. Instead of taking an offensive stance, Raph merely spread his feet farther apart and took a defensive stance instead. Mikey growled seeing his brother's form, creating a scenario after scenario as to why his brother would do that instead of taking the offensive.
His heart was drumming along quickly, feeling the sudden streaks of sweat. He was nervous, more then that. This anger, his irrational frustration was built over the time of his healing and he was about to crack. He took a few breaths, deep and heavy. Then, as swift as he could make himself, Michelangelo launched himself at his brother with all the might he could muster.
Raphael was unfortunately more decisive then Mikey was. He watched as Mikey tried to swing to his right, with Raph being able to easily dodge it. There eyes met but Raph kept as neutral as he could. He could feel the pain, the pain of the past months, the struggle, the fears and agony. Raphael was able to get a slight taste of that torture, and only wanted to help his brother.
Mikey flung his other arm around, hand balled into a fist and determined to get Raph in the face. Raph quickly blocked at took a step back from his younger brother.
A hit and then another, but Raphael was able to dodge and block every one of Mikey's attempts. The ragged breathing coming from Mikey was echoing in the dojo, making Raph's heart cringe just a little tighter.
"Why aren't you fighting back!" Mikey yelled between hits, trying to get a solid hit against his brother but couldn't seem to get even one. Raphael saw Mikey's attack weakening but becoming more desperate. Raphael ducked once hearing Mikey gave out a strangled cry. Seeing this as his chance, Raphael reached around and wrapped his arms around Mikey's body and pulled him close. Michelangelo yelped as lashed against his brother, giving all his strength to get his brother to release his grip.
"Let go! Let me go!" He growled out trying to fight through the vice grip. Raphael kept his brother close, feeling the his brother fight only made him hold tighter.
He felt him weakening but he still gave his all, Raphael couldn't take it.
"Stop!" His voice booming in the room, making Mikey freeze all movement, still shivering under his brothers grasp.
"Just...Just stop for a minute." He mumbled. They stood there for a while, Mikey fighting back every urge to attack. He felt his heart beating against his front. He heard Raph swallow a few times. He knew Raph was never the one to speak his mind, no matter what it was about.
"I tried to find you." Raphael's voice was so small, smaller then Mikey has ever heard it. In a way, his solid older brother sounded broken.
"I tried to find you. Through that spirit crap." He took a breath, breathing it out through his nostrils. "I saw something." Mikey froze, staring at the door over his brothers shoulder.
Raphael moved his head slightly, resting it against his brothers neck, feeling that if he would let go now everything would be lost.
"It was you, only..it wasn't. You were dead. And it was my fault." He confessed. He felt the sharp pain of regret but the sudden weight lifted. His eyes stung of emotion and throat growing dry with his confession.
"Mikey, I will probably never in a hundred years understand what you went through, I understand that. But, I know how it feels, to feel weak and useless. Because you were gone and I couldn't help you." He suddenly choked making Mikey flinch.
"I felt that failure Mike. No, it was nothing like yours and no I can never feel as down as you do but know that I'm here now. Me, Leo, Don, and Master Splinter. We want to help you. We want to save you. I need your help Mike. We're not a family bro unless we're in it together. We're all we got and when one of us is gone, even mentally, it just doesn't work." Mikey felt his bottom lip begin to quiver. He was breaking, he felt the walls around him crumble, the walls he had tried to so hard to keep up.
All of it, all the pressure he had put on himself to be the brick, this solid steel of emotionless goo going down the drain in mere minutes. Listening to Raphael, hearing the pain in his voice and the jerks in his muscles. This reminded him of when they were kids. The scary stories they would hear on the news, the dark corners of their rooms haunting them with the fears of monsters and regrets. He remembered days he would run to Donnie for logical answers to help calm his nerves and to remind him that nothing existed of the sort. He would run to Leo in the middle of the night to hide in his bead, being reminded his elder brother would protect him. It's these hugs that Raphael would willingly give him to remind him over and over again; he was safe.
He let the tear fall, slowly it did down his face as he brought his hands up to return the hug. He clung as if Raphael was a life line, a reminder that this was real. This was no illusion. No, this was his life, his sacrifices and his mistakes, but also his salvation. He shivered, hiding his head in Raph's neck and took a heave. Raphael remained still, allowing his brother to breathe and to see he wasn't alone.
"I'm so weak." He whispered, sobbing quietly. "I'm so useless. I'm suppose to help myself, I couldn't. God I was just a toy to them! I just...I just wanna be strong. Like you and Leo and Don...I'm sorry." He pleaded, repeating it over and over again. Raphael placed a hand on the back of Mikey's head.
"Bro, you are strong. You may not be a muscle massed or as smart, but you are probably one of the most strong willed guys I have never known and I can personally say, I have never been so proud of you Little brother.
Mikey absorbed his brother's words and lost all sense of anger or redemption. He just wanted his life back, he wanted to be free once more. He hated the struggling emotions, feeling locked away like he was with Rictor. He wanted to feel at home, he wanted to feel safe; like now.
Knowing his brother's presence is there, his father meters away; he was starting to finally accept that maybe, maybe if he allowed himself to believe that he could be safe, and maybe even happy.