It's A S.I.N. Chapter 3
Turns out that having your clones sleep for you does help. Both Tora and myself only slept for two hours, thanks to a half dozen clones, before we felt fully rested.
Of course, Tora went right back to sleep, but he's a cat.
I send a dozen clones to search the training grounds for weapons and to memorize the area as I tried to decide what to do. Kakashi's test isn't a huge problem since I don't really care if I fail, but I promised the old man I'd give it a serious go, so I have some work to do.
Going over Nightcrawler's medical scans in my head I recall everything I can about his tail. Ok, the main reason I had scanned him and paid so much attention at the time wasn't because I thought it would be useful in battle, I just thought it'd be a bit of a surprise for whatever girl I happened to be dating at the time. (Like you never thought of it!)
Took several tries to get the tail right, but I soon had a dozen pink tailed Naruto's practicing with their new appendages. Yes it looked even kinkier in pink.
What I need to learn are explosive clones and multiplying weapons, since they're useful variants of standard shadow clones, but the old man isn't up yet so I don a henge and join the tailed group in trying to engrave a little muscle memory into its use.
Several hours later...
Apparently ninja police their training areas quite well as my clones found no weapons or traps nor bits of either. Despite what fanfics say, genin can't really afford to replace their gear every time they practice, and by the time they're chunin it's an engraved reflex. I'd like to say that it's a ninja habit of concealing all traces of their passage, but really it's a financial decision for them.
The dozen clones I sent out dispersed, giving me their knowledge of the training grounds and I sent another dozen clones to hide around the grounds for backup later.
*Thunk!*
I and all my clones found ourselves staring in shock at one clone who'd been experimenting managed to stick the spade of his tail into the wall like it was made of steel!
"How?" I demanded.
"I channeled chakra to it," he said with a grin. "I was thinking about how it looked like it should be sharp, so I channeled chakra like I do when we want to increase our strength."
Several clones popped themselves as they tried it and broke their tails trying to stab the wall.
"No, think of the tip as a kunai while doing it!" he exclaimed.
A round of thunks sounded as my clones insured I would never see my security deposit again.
I quickly made three dozen clones. The first dozen continued practicing wielding a kunai with our tail, the second dozen started work on using the spade as a kunai, and the third... are bringing me boards so I won't have stab holes in everything I own and some basic supplies so I can make some poisons.
It occurs to me that Kakashi was never one of my favorite characters and that Team Seven would have been a better team without him on it.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"But there's only two bells!" Sakura complained.
"Then I guess one of you is going to fail," Kakashi said cheerfully.
"Then I guess our instructor has betrayed us," I interjected before he could go into his planned spiel.
"What?" he asked confused.
"You are supposed to teach us teamwork, as our training up 'til this point has been pretty adversarial, fighting for the best grades, spots, and recognition, but this is clearly designed to turn us against one another. This is a no win test, if you pass you prove you're not worthy to be nin, and if you fail... well I imagine that's the point of all this."
"Shut up Naruto-baka!" Sakura barked out. "Just because you were dead last doesn't mean you get to drag us down with you, just accept the fact that you'll be going back to the academy again!" Sakura glanced at Sasuke out of the corner of her eye and smiled smugly when she saw him nod in agreement and ready himself for battle.
"Let's just see how things turn out, shall we?" Kakashi said cheerfully. "You have until noon when the alarm goes off, come at me with intent to kill or you'll fail, begin!"
"Shadow clone jutsu," I replied, not bothering to run like my teammates.
"You're different aren't you?" Kakashi asked just before the place became swamped in orange clad bodies.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Did you have to poison him?" the Hokage asked.
"Be glad I left him alive after his little team killer test," I replied. "He's not a teacher and doesn't want to be one, but I don't see where that gives him the right to screw up my life, so I had to injure him badly enough to require replacing with someone competent."
"Well in that you succeeded," the Hokage said with a sigh. "Kakashi is going to require months of therapy before he'll be cleared for duty again."
"Good, then we'll actually get a competent teacher."
The Hokage took a puff on his pipe and thought about things. "I do have someone who would do an excellent job, though they aren't a jonin."
"Give them a temporary promotion and see how they do. If you need to, assign a jonin to help them plan out what they are going to do," I suggested.
"Very well, I'll have Ebisu meet you, at training ground 32. Dismissed."
"Hai, Jiji-sama," I said cheerfully, much to his amusement before I left with my two teammates in tow.
Haruna and Uchiha both followed without comment until we were outside.
"How did you take out Kakashi!?" Sasuke demanded attempting to stare me down.
"Trickery and poison," I replied. "Two important tools for any nin."
"That tells me nothing," he replied, his arms crossed in annoyance.
"Why should I give up valuable techniques for no gain?" I replied.
"You should be grateful for the chance to help me," Sasuke replied. "I have pull with the civilian council."
"The civilian council is of no use to me and I have pull with the Hokage," I replied. "Of course, he's got a lot more pull with me or I would have deliberately flunked Kakashi's test so I'd be free of you both."
Having no answer for that, silence fell on the group as we walked to the training field.
Ebisu appeared in a swirl of leaves. "Team seven, I presume?"
"Yep, we requested a more competent teacher, that you?" I asked.
"Indeed," he agreed. "I understand Kakashi was seriously injured?"
"He wanted to read porn rather than train us," I said cheerfully. "So we won't have that problem with you, right?"
A week later...
Anko looked over and was surprised to see Kakashi enter the bar on crutches. "What happened to you?" she asked.
The rest of the jonin, who'd entered to discuss their teams over drinks watched him hobble to their table.
"I underestimated my team," Kakashi replied.
"Ebisu's team you mean," Asuma said amused.
"What?"
"Team seven was given to Ebisu at Naruto's request," Asuma replied. "He purposely took you out because he didn't think you were a competent teacher."
"He doesn't know anything about me!" Kakashi protested.
"I'm more interested in how he took you out," Anko said.
"I doubt you'll believe it," Kakashi said, signaling for a drink.
"He used his centerfold jutsu on you?" Asuma asked, recalling his father mentioning being caught by surprise by it before.
"No, he stabbed me with a poisoned kunai without using his hands or feet," Kakashi replied taking a huge gulp of his drink.
"Without?" Anko asked confused. "How close were you to him?"
"I was a good two feet or so away," Kakashi said shaking his head. "It's something I'd expect you to do, but you lack the equipment."
The assembled jonin exchanged glances.
"Are you saying..." Asuma's voice trailed off.
"Yes," Kakashi said seriously. "There were a number of clones around me and then kunai came out of their crotches and slashed me."
"And you don't think I could launch a kunai from my crotch?" Anko challenged.
"They weren't launched, they were wielded," Kakashi said before downing his drink. "Over three foot in length and prehensile. I was so shocked I froze up."
"You've got to be shitting me," Anko said, as the rest of the jonin stared at him in disbelief. "Gotta be genjutsu."
"I wish it was," Kakashi replied shivering. "I even uncovered my Sharingan, which unfortunately not only proved they were real, but it also seared it into memory."
"Hinata is stalking Naruto, right?" Asuma asked.
"Yeah, so?" Kurenai asked.
"The only student in their entire class that has chosen to follow Naruto around rather than Sasuke is also the only student that can see through clothes," he pointed out.
"We should get Ebisu," Anko suggested. "He's been training the brats for a week, let's see what he knows."
Anko sent out a message via snake summons, while everyone ordered another round.
Ebisu was surprisingly prompt or possibly not so surprising considering who had sent the note. "You wished to speak with me?" he asked, appearing in a swirl of leaves.
"We've got all the new sensei's here and were wondering what you could tell us of Team Seven," Anko said, gesturing to a free spot at the table.
"What info are you looking for?" Ebisu asked cautiously.
"Kakashi told us a very interesting story about how he was taken out and we were wondering if you could back up his claims," Kurenai asked politely.
"Naruto won't say," Ebisu admitted. "The most he's said about the incident is that only a foolish ninja would reveal a useful trick."
Anko nodded. "Kid's not a complete moron. How big is his... personal kunai?"
There was a chorus of groans from the jonin at the table at her crudity.
"How were you defeated?" Ebisu asked Kakashi, looking like he wasn't sure he wanted an answer.
"It, wielding a poisoned kunai, sprang out and stabbed me from a little over two feet away," Kakashi said slowly.
Ebisu's eyes widened, and he grabbed Anko's drink and downed it.
"You remember something?" she asked intently.
"That explains some movement and bulges I was curious about." he admitted. "I thought he had a trained snake as a holdout weapon."
"It's strong, fast, and prehensile," Kakashi said with a shudder.
"At least it doesn't have fangs," Anko said before bursting out laughing.
"Unless the kunai is just to hide that fact," Kakashi said before anyone could say anything, "The doctors didn't recognize the toxin."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
I was blissfully unaware of the rumors at the time because I was working on making tools, so I could make other tools, to make still more tools. The mix and match tech level of this place seemed almost designed to frustrate me. How can you have television and radio while missing power tools and welding gear?
Modern technology had definitely spoiled me I decided, as I broke the mold open that contained a single ball bearing and checked it for flaws, before grinding any excess material from the creation process off. Each bearing had to be hand cast and finished as the creation of high quality steel bearings was beyond the local tech level.
Since they didn't have bearings they also didn't have good high temperature lube... for machines anyway. It smells faintly of coconuts.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"He's buying sex lube by the gallon," Anko reported. "My favorite shop is out and said he basically bought em out and ordered an additional twenty gallons."
"As far as I know he's not seeing anyone, Hinata is still... observing him," Kurenai offered.
"He knows shadow clone and has his personal centerfold jutsu," Anko pointed out.
Everyone turned to Anko and she received a wide mix of looks; shock, contemplation, and disgust evident.
"I'm just saying."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Naruto's eyes darted over to the infrared sensor he had 'installed' as it gave off a yawn and scratched at the table it was laying on.
"Kai!" Naruto's chakra burst actually ruffled the hair of the intruders as it shattered the genjutsu they'd been under.
The two dozen clones working around the shop cautiously edged towards various weapons, while the infrared sensor, otherwise known as Tora, took cover.
"Come for a rematch?" Naruto asked as he spotted Kakashi amongst the group.
"No, just came to verify how you defeated me," the one-eyed jonin replied.
"I'm pretty sure you got an eyeful," Naruto snorted.
"Gotta be a genjutsu," Anko retorted with a snort.
"His Sharingan would have seen through it," Naruto replied leaning against a support and crossing his arms.
"It's easier to believe you came up with a way to fool the Sharingan than that you have a three foot long prehensile penis!" Anko exclaimed.
Naruto grinned and had to stop himself from falling over laughing. "So you're all here because you want to look at my junk?"
"Well, when you put it that way..." Kakashi muttered.
Naruto shrugged. "Ok, fine. Anyone that doesn't mind showing me theirs can see mine."
"Deal!" Anko said while the other jounin were frowning at each other as they realized what they were doing.
"I'm out," Asuma said. "It's just idle curiosity on my part. I'll find out from Anko later."
There was a chorus of agreements as everyone but Anko shuffled out and one of the clones locked the door behind them.
"Ok, show your stuff," Naruto said half expecting her to bail out.
Anko was naked faster than he could blink and she even did a little pirouette to prove it causing his jaw to drop and his pants to shrink. "Fair's fair, strip!" she ordered.
Naruto nodded and stripped, thinking it would probably have been a bit less embarrassing if he wasn't sporting wood.
"You've got a tail!" Anko exclaimed.
"Yep."
"How the hell did you get a tail?" she demanded, knowing there was no mention of it in his medical record and having seen his naked rear over half a dozen times as he wasn't reluctant to moon someone who pissed him off and she'd been close enough to witness it multiple times.
With a mischievous grin he shot it towards her crotch and she leapt up and clung to the ceiling. "It's a modified henge."
Anko dropped back down. "So you actually came up with an illusion that fooled the Sharingan?"
"Nope," he poked her bellybutton with it and she grabbed it.
"How?!"
"Regular henge uses too little chakra," he replied smugly. "I developed a solid henge, though you have to know the internal schematics to add body parts."
She absently stroked his tail, her nipples hardening as she thought about surprising Kurenai with one of her own. "Teach me!" she begged, falling to her knees and cradling his tail in between her breasts.
"What will you offer in trade?"
Anko smirked.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"This would have been a lot easier if you'd have just let me trade sexual favors for training," Anko complained, as she flashed through the twelve seal sequence, determined to match Naruto in being able to cut out hand signs until it couldn't be told from a normal henge when cast.
"I may be horny, but I'm not stupid," Naruto snorted as he struggled to balance a kunai on the middle finger of his right hand by chakra alone. "Your talents in jutsu are probably better than your talents in bed anyway, certainly they're more valuable to me."
Anko stared at a complex design of the male reproductive system and compared it to the diagram of the tail, while her hands continued their exercise. "You'd be surprised."
"Probably," Naruto admitted as he concentrated on the kunai while standing on top of the water in a large basin, "but I doubt it'd improve my chances to survive battle nearly as much. So what are you going to tell the others about my little trick?"
She snorted making her naked breasts jiggle and forcing him to refocus his concentration before she spoke, "I'll just say it wasn't an illusion and clam up. If they want the particulars they can come pay for it themselves."
A dozen cloned Narutos who were dressed, unlike their creator; were hard at work, when they weren't sneaking glances at the naked kunoichi anyway.
The Hokage had given Naruto a decommissioned ANBU safe house, not too far from the forest of death, to work on turning some of the fox's knowledge into the leaf's profit. It was a small farm with a large barn attached to a six bedroom farmhouse that Naruto now lived at, giving him plenty of space.
The first thing he'd done was turn out several superior alloys to the basic folded steel recipe they were still working with locally, which insured both the Leaf's good will towards his work and a nice profit that funded anything else he'd care to do.
*Knock*Knock*Knock*
Without waiting for a response a slender kunoichi with her hair in a pair of buns entered the barn and forge and then froze at what she saw. "Um, should I come back later?"
"Depends," Anko snorted. "Are you a kunoichi or a little girl?"
"I'm a kunoichi!" she replied fiercely.
"Well, prove it!" the naked special-jonin demanded.
Blue Chinese banner dress and surprisingly frilly black lacy underwear was piled on a workbench along with a large stack of edged weapons.
"Are you Tenten?" Naruto asked drawing her attention to the naked genin.
"Yes," she replied forcing her eyes not to look below his waist and keeping her arms at her sides through force of will.
"Excellent! There is actually a reason we are naked, several in fact, but nearly everything here is a secret, so don't tell anyone. Do you know why you're here?"
"My father's a blacksmith and he said I could benefit from working with you. I'm also getting c-rank pay for helping you in testing new weapons and armor as well," she replied.
"Good, then we're both on the same page," Naruto replied. "Anko is trading jutsu with me, but those are personal."
"And the nudity?" Tenten asked.
"I thought I could get a secret off him in exchange for a quick slap and tickle," Anko replied. "Instead it's a straight trade of skills."
"And the nudity is to help me get used to it, so I won't fall prey to enemy kunoichi," Naruto explained.
"And me being naked?" Tenten asked.
"Same deal," Naruto replied. "Fill a tub with water, grab a kunai, and let's talk shop while working on chakra control and getting used to nudity."
"That would be much more convincing if I couldn't hang a brace of kunai off you," Tenten said, trying not to glance down... too often.
"Hence the need for training," Naruto replied. "And do you wanna make a bet that I can't cut glass with your nipples?"
Tenten groaned. "Fine, where are the tubs?"
Typing by: Stephenopolos
TN: you fans have to wait for both him and his typists... (in this case me! *insert evil laughter*)