A/n: Chapter...eleven? Wow, that was fast. And it's still not done. Not by...somewhere between two and four chapters. Not sure yet exactly how many, and it'll also depend on epilogueage and other stuff of the like.

Sorry I've been kinda of negligent. I would have posted sooner, except I got to this point and it was kinda hard to see what to write next (you know--I knew what I wanted to write, I was having issues in choreographing everything right), and then Mom decides that she should limit my computer time to about half an hour on weekdays, so I got mad and threw a tantrum--er, I mean...went on strike... . . and now I have computer rights again, so I have the time to do all this.

But, you know? PLOT! at the end. Sayuri starts doing something of importance! at the...no, that's pretty close to the beginning.
It started as actually going around introducing everyone, because that really should have been done and I really wanted to get that done before the plot so we wouldn't have post-plot semi-filler. But I got impatient. It got all, "What's next?" and "How would he react without being exactly like the other dude?" and "Damn it all, this is taking too long!" So then the wall at the bottom of the stairs gets tackled again (yes, that is intentionally my theme--everyone's running into walls)

Disclaimer: "Hidan being convinced to say bleep instead of fuck? Never!" Masashi Kishimoto roared. "How dare she use my characters! And she's not even including Sasuke!"
Masashi Kishimoto's staff took weeks to reassemble his workplace after that tantrum.
(I only own Ren and Sayuri and Haruka and Shikai and some other dudes and dudettes that you don't know the name of yet and whose names will probably never be mentioned but they're there and they barely even show up this chapter.)
(Which means that I don't own Masashi Kishimoto either. Mostly because he's not a fictitious character, so nobody technically owns him. To my knowledge, anyway...)

Pein reveled in glory at the next breakfast period. After all, Ren, having knocked his daughter unconscious the previous day, was being punished by having to eat breakfast in the solitude of her—well, hers and Itachi's and Tobi's—room. Which meant she wasn't at the breakfast table. And Pein liked her absence. He liked it almost as much as the fact that it freed up a seat and Shikai could now have his own chair rather than sitting in his father's lap.

The meal began with the long-overdue introductions. Pein carefully waited until everyone was seated before beginning. "A—hem," he began, starting to say "Akatsuki" before realizing the stupidity in the use of that word in front of the children and turning it into something resembling him clearing his throat. All heads turned toward him, a little more critically than he'd like. "…Family," he addressed more comfortably, and the average scrutiny decreased a little. "I think that introductions are far overdue.

"To begin," he went on, "I'd like to mention…that I underestimated the…well, yes, it wound up that we had twins," he recovered very slightly. "Which would be these two—Haruka"—he gestured to his daughter, whose wide-eyes face clushed—"and Shikai." Shikai took the introduction in what he probably immagined to be cool, his eyes too bright to pull off the polite nods he sent around the table.

"I know that some of you already know each other," he continued. "But I feel it would be most effective to have everyone make an introduction anyway. Starting with…" The pause somehow seemed necessary, even though it was obvious. "Hidan-okaachan."

Even before Hidan could open his mouth, Haruka interrupted. "So, if Otou-san called you Okaa-chan, does that mean you're our…um…"

"Yes," Hidan answered huffily, "I'm your fu—" He was interrupted by a pancake hitting him square in the face.

"Small children!" Tobi sirened.

The pancake slid comically down Hidan's face, revealing his expression showing his imaptience. "Okay. Yes, Haruna or whatever the—bleep, your name is, I am your bleeping grandmother."

"But aren't you a boy and not a girl?" Haruka questioned. "How can you be a grandmother if you're not a girl?"

"If you really want to know, ask Tobi!" Hidan answered loudly, standing to lean across the table and point…pointedly at Tobi, who shrugged, expression unreadable through mask, and answered, "Tobi thinks a grandmother would be religious, and Hidan-obaasan is religious, so Hidan-obaasan is Tobi's grandmother…"

"That's what we call you?" Haruka bubbled. "Hidan-obaasan?"

"Yea—"

"Hidan-obaasan, Hidan-obaasan!" Haruka chanted, standing up to run past Pein to embrace Hidan around the waist. "I love you, Hidan-obaasan!"

Hidan spluttered.

"Moving on," Pein continued, bored with Haruka's emotion. "Kakuzu-otousan?"

Kakuzu nodded, adding, "You couldn't pay me to let that thing near me," when he noticed Haruka approach. She looked down dissapointedly and shuffled past him.

"That makes him your grandfather," Pein explained before she could ask. "You'd call him Kakuzu-ojiisan."

"Kakuzu-ojiisan," Shikai parroted, adding, "pass the bleeping maple syrup."

Tobi gasped, but anything he might have said afterward was interrupted by an unfortunately familiar young female voice calling down the stairs, "Otou-chan! Sayuri-chan is acting kinda weird!"

"Ah—what do you mean by weird, Ren-chan?" Tobi responded loudly.

"Well, she seems to be breathing kind of weird," Ren explained from the top of the stairs, "and she won't get off that shirt that you left in the corner, no matter what I do."

"Gee, I don't know anything about pets," Tobi admitted. "I really wouldn't know anything about this…just stay with her and let me know if anything else happens?"

"Okay." A few footsteps announced Ren returning to her parents' room. Pein took a breath to introduce Zetsu, but stopped when Ren's feet pounded rapidly back to the top of the stairs and maybe even a bit further as she declared, "Otou-chan, there's a little wet kitten with Sayuri now, and it's nuzzling into her fur—do you think she's pregnant?"

Tobi stood up abruptly. "A kitten? Holy fucking shit!"

"Small children!" Hidan scoffed.

"Oh, sorry, Hidan-obaasan," Tobi appologized hurriedly before bustling up the stairs, shortly followed by Itachi.

"Kitten!" Haruka squealed. "Awww, I wanna see the kitten! Otou-san, can I—may I go upstairs and see the kitten?"

"No!" Shikai protested. "Kittens are all cutesy and fuzzy and girly! I'm not going nowhere to see no stinking sissy kitten!"

"Please, Otou-san," Haruka whined, "may I please go up and see the kitten?"

"Haruka-chan," Pein answered, "The kitten was only just born. It will be…um…" It occurred to him that he knew nothing about newborn anythings.

"If it's anything like you were the moment you were born," Kai picked up for him, "I don't think you'll want to see it."

Shikai burst into laughter. "Yeah, you were one ugly baby, Haruka-chan!"

"No I wasn't!" Haruka denied. "If I can't remember that, you can't either—we are twins, after all!"

Ren came running down the stairs and collided solidly with the wall at the foot of them, thus drawing the attention of everyone at the table. Regaining her posture, she pranced over to Kai and stood on her tiptoes to say, loud enough for at least Pein to hear, "Otou-chan and Otou-san want a little help with Sayuri—they think you'd know a bit more about what to do."

"Of course," Kai answered softly, rising to follow Ren back up the stairs.

Pein, not liking the silence following, rose as well and strolled to the stairs, stripping his cloak off as it became mysteriously heavy as he climbed the stairs, leaving behind a series of thumps. He looked back to see his cloak at the bottom of the stairs, having hit the wall, moving under two writhing forms. He sent it a confused look, until a lock of blue hair revealed itself and he realized that the weight had been from his children clinging to his robe, apparently dependant on it for balance considering that they fell down the stairs when he took it off.

Shikai's head emerged from under the jacket to send a reproachful glare at Pein, who returned an exasperated stare before gesturing with his head for Shikai to follow. 'He'll probably come anyway,' he figured, 'may as well let him be invited.' Shikai rushed to disentangle himself, throwing the rest of the robe onto Haruka, who promptly protested as her brother thudded up the stairs.

Pein turned slowly, giving Haruka time to join, but eventually loosing his patience and continuing at a pace with only the slightest traces of hesitation as he climbed the stairs, Shikai bolting ahead. As her father reached the top, Haruka began taking the steps as fast as her rather small legs could carry her (which wasn't terribly, but Pein was rather impressed when she reached the top only a few paces behind him).

As he reached Itachi and Tobi's room, Pein held the door open, and his children rushed in ahead of him. However, just before he could join them, Ren got in his way again, now staring shiftily around as she tried to walk past Pein and into the hallway. Pein stepped aside, watching her walking hesitantly through the halls, quiet as any trained shinobi. He would have merely continued, except he noticed her trajectory sending her toward his own room, and he refused to let her invade his space so easily.

Just as she set her hand on the doorknob, Pein demanded, "What are you—"

Ren shushed him. "Don't tell me you can't hear the voices."

It took Pein a moment to process this. '…well, that might explain something,' he thought. 'I guess we'll just have to send her to the asylum…which would be very long way away from here…this might actually do me some good!'

By now, Ren was stalking into Pein's room, and Pein followed her, hoping to find more evidence of his granddaughter being mentally unhinged.

In the middle of the room, she halted, and Pein waited in the doorway.

Eventually, she turned, wide-eyed, to face Pein, and she said, in a volume that was relatively loud but quiet by the time it reached Pein's ears, "They're looking for…you."

'This is getting old,' Pein decided. "Ren, have you ever heard of schizophrenia?"

"Stay away from the windows and doors," Ren warned. "As long as they're still outside, and you're still inside, you should be safe…"

"Ren," Pein sighed, "I don't suppose you have a good reason for remaining in my room?"

Ren paused, stiff, before relaxing in defeat, nodding, and leaving the room.

Pein moved to close the door, but a familiar voice caught his attention when it loudly whined from somewhere outside, "Leader-otousamaaaa, Tobi got locked out…"

Pein sighed. 'Stupid Tobi…how'd he get over there, anyway? Wasn't he over…? Oh well.' He strolled to the window, opened it, and scolded, "Tobi, how the hell did you get over…there?"

Below his window was not Tobi. Instead, there were four figures, but he didn't realize much about them before he lost consciousness except for generally pale clothing and a band of purple around their waists.

A/n again: Don't blame Pein for being an idiot and not listening to the Mary Sue. I made him do that. It had to be done--for plot's sake!

Hey, Haruka didn't pass out this time! That's a first...

I swear I'd be more actively posting if I wasn't afraid of running out of chapters to post. I have exactly one more complete chapter written. As soon as I finish the chapter after that, I'm going to post again (should be soon, seeing as I'll be staying up late tonight).

And you know? Schezophrenia is really hard to spell. I had to go to an online dictionary to figure it out. I typed in what I thought it was; it came up with several results. One was what I was looking for. The rest were just totally random. One of them was "Buckets of Rain". I was entertained.

Preview: The Akatsuki household doesn't hold well without help from its leader.

Special: OCs:
They're taking over!!!
Honestly, when I started writing this, I had such a nonexistant idea. All I knew was--Kei and Pein's child (whom I usually refered to, for simplicity, as Kein) would show up. Hilarity was intended to ensue.
Ren kind of showed up. I think it was first just for increased humor, but look--in the end she's what convinces everyone to have everything else happen.
Then it's like, "I want a cat. They should totally have a cat. They should totally have seven cats because everything's funnier when you throw in a crazy cat person." So Sayuri comes in, with the other six from my first fanfiction on their way.
And then I actually figure out my plot, which, on the Brainstorm, was pretty much: "Battle ensues. Ren kills an antagonist. Help from Kein(s)?"
I spent some amount of time wondering who the hell would attack.
My train of thought takes too long to explain (I tried). All you really have to know is that I eventually surmised that the death of any cannon character would a) send me into guilt trips b) temp fate to bring the death to someone in Akatsuki and/or c) be the death of a character that I can relate to, thus, in a really pathetic way, be killing some little itty bit of myself. Which is technically a part of guilt trips, but...
So, I ran through a list of those who are against Akatsuki (which is everyone except...Akatsuki). Otogakure is on that list. I have Otogakure OCs.
Of course, one of those is probably my favorite OC. Two of them...well, they're just so in love with each other, how could you kill off a couple that crossed all those boundaries to go to a place where lesbian marriage is legal. The other...eh. He's not important and is now slated for death. By Ren. Why? He was a terrible father (well, not being there wasn't his choice so much, and later he gets all friendly, but still...). I never officially named him. He probably will never have a name that actually means something (it's currently a collection of Japanese-sounding syllables that sound...well, Japanese, that I plan to change if I ever need to address him).

So, I'm sure you've figured that the people down there are Otogakure? Yeah, they are. That's the intention. I'm totally reusing OCs--these guys actually had a pretty big role in my first Naruto fanfiction. Honestly, I'm sure that they could technically be wearing anything else, but it just makes more sense for recognition if they've got the whole white-kimono-purple-rope number. Back when they were created...you know, I think I was still watching it just off Cartoon Network, without help from the computer and people in Japan who sub it and all, when I wrote that...no, I was a little into the bootleg. Not much at all, though.