Chapter 2:
During the movie, I feel asleep in Isaac's arms. I've been constantly exhausted lately; it's been hard to keep my eyes open. In some ways, I'm afraid. Afraid that I'm going to die, that all these little aches, and pains and fatigues are all leading up to the bigger picture. I mean, I know I'm going to die someday, someday in the near future. I've accepted the fact that I'm terminal, that I can't be cured, but sometimes I just wish I could go back, and I just think why me?, what did I do to deserve all this pain. It got worse after Gus left. Before him, I was that girl who had to drop out of school because of her terminal cancer that would kill her eventually. I was the girl who had to breathe through a freaking tube and carry around an oxygen tank. Everyone pitied me and thought of me not as who I am, what I liked, what I cared about, but as the girl who's dying. Then Gus came along. And I was still all those things, but Gus didn't think as me as dying. He thought I was beautiful, and smart, and he cared about my hobbies, my passions, my weird fetishes. He loved me for who I was. Not my cancer. I was finally understood. Now I'm back to that sad cancer girl, but now I get to tack on Gus dying to the end of the list.
I sit up on the couch and smile apologetically at Isaac before remembering that he can't see me.
"Sorry, you could have woken me up you know." He rearranges himself on the couch.
"I wouldn't do that Hazel, you need sleep, and I can see it every day." I choke back a breath.
"Yeah, I feel it." And in that moment I realize how truly alone Isaac will be when I'm gone. Not that I'm great company, but it was Gus and him, then I got added to the picture, then Gus got taken away and now… It's not something I like thinking about. "Hey Isaac" I say taking his hand in mine. "When I'm gone…" He looks at where he knows I'm sitting and shakes his head.
"No Hazel, I can't think about that. You are all I've got." I nod and slide my hand out of his.
"Are you two ready to go?" My mom asked grabbing her bag, and keys. I nod and take Isaac's arm to guide him to the car. Over the past few months, I've memorized the drive to support group. Not just the street names, but also the surroundings. Like the dog shaped hedge we always pass three minutes after we leave the house. Or the community pool next to the dog salon. It's nice in a way, to have something consistent in my life, but it's still support group.
A month or two ago, mom started leading support group every other week, to help her with her career in social working, and today it's her turn.
Once were all gathered downstairs in the literal heart of Jesus, mom begins with the regular introductions.
"Hi, I'm Hazel, I'm sixteen. Thyroid with mets in my lungs, I'm…fine, I guess." I say to begin. Isaac goes next.
"Isaac. I'm sixteen as well. I had a rare type of cancer in my eyes, but I had surgery and I'm NEC so that's good. How I am? Not great considering my health." I glance sadly towards Isaac and suddenly I miss his eyes. I miss the ways we used to exchange looks and sighs in the monotonous, repetitive circle group of survivors. I miss a lot.
Next after Isaac, is a girl I don't recognize? She's fairly short, with chin length bobbed brown hair. She's pretty. She stands and tugs her shirt nervously.
"Um, hi I'm Kate. I just turned seventeen a couple weeks ago. Skin which has since found its way into my liver. I'm okay at the moment." My mom is nodding and taking notes on her clipboard.
"I'm glad to hear that Kate. We're very happy to have you here, and we wish you good health in the future." She smiles and sits back down.
And so the hour plays out. Songs are sung, stories recounted, battles being battled. Everyone once in a while I glance over at Kate and pretty much every time I see that she's looking at Isaac. I don't know if he can feel her eyes on him or whatever, but he's smiling.
"You know the new girl Kate?" I ask Isaac as me walk up the stairs to the parking lot.
"What about her?" I laugh.
"She was staring at you the whole time!" He smiles.
"Well was she hot?" He asks.
"She was very pretty yes. A brunette." We reach the car and I open the door for him.
"Well" He says as I get in the front. "I'll have to hop on that wagon."