Chapter 4:

When I wake up my eyes are fuzzy, so I wake a minute for them to clear. The first thing I register is my mom, sitting next to me, squeezing my hand. She looks exhausted and I can tell she's been crying.
"Oh sweetie! I'm so glad you're awake! We've missed you so much!" I manage a weak smile.
"How long was I out?" I ask "A couple of days. You had to go on some pretty strong medicine to get your lungs working at least semi properly." I laugh, but it hurts so I make myself stop.
"So my crap lungs came back from being even crappier lungs? Thanks guys." I mutter at my chest. IO see my mom smiling. I genuine smile, and it makes me smile too.
"So, am I ok? What happened exactly that made my lungs go MIA?" My dad walks in then, holding two cups of coffee. He smiles when he sees I'm awake.
"I' m glad you're awake honey." He said, sitting on my bed. My mom leans over and whispers something to my dad and he nods.
"Well, last night when you stopped breathing, it was because your heart wasn't working hard enough, it wasn't pumping too well, so your lungs didn't have anything to work on. So when we got you here they spent a good thirty minutes getting your heart working better, but still it's way too slow. You're going to have to stay here for a while and when you go home, no more oxygen tank. It's back to Philip. You're lungs need way more oxygen than ever. "I nod.
"So this is the last leg for me? Am I close to the end?" I look over and see that my dad is crying.
"I don't want to lie to you, so I'm going to tell you up front. The doctors say, once we reach the point where the heart doesn't know how to function properly, there really is no going back. You still have time, but there is nothing else we can do to prolong that time." Now both my dad and mom are choking back sobs, trying to stay strong for me, and I realize that I'm crying too.
"I really am dying. I'm not living with cancer anymore, I'm dying of it. I don't want to die." I break down and my mom comes and wraps her arms around me. I can't help but think back to when I got the phone call from Gus's mom, the feeling of defeat in my heart, my guts. Maybe this is ok, I'll be with Gus again, I won't be a burden on my parents anymore, and maybe this is right. After a few minutes, my sobs lessen, and a nurse comes in, and explains again what's going on. She gives me some ice chips, and makes my parents leave so I can rest. Sleep comes easily, and I don't dream. Maybe because my brain doesn't even have enough energy to imagine.

Looking up at my hospital room, I remember the last time I was stuck here, unconscious. When my parents told me Gus had been waiting to see me since I arrived. When I almost couldn't go to Amsterdam. Then I remember his letter. He had snuck into my room, and held my under oxygenated hand. He had even noticed that my nails were painting an almost black dark blue. I look at my nails and laugh, because they are painted the same colour. In his letter, he said that wished for one second that I would die, so that he wouldn't have to tell me that he was going to too. I wish I had died that day, but like Augustus said, that would mean we wouldn't have got to be together. We only had three months, but they were the best three months of my life.
For a while, I just lie there, imagining Augustus back in this room, imagining what it would be like, if he were still here and I would have died first, and wondering what it would have been like if I had never been diagnosed with cancer.

"I talked to Patrick, and he said that since you can't leave the house anymore, that every second week-the ones that I run-we could hold support group at our house! Isn't it great!" I smile. Even though I have always hated support group, it's been something consistent in my life. Hearing other people talk about their cancer makes it easier for me to not feel sorry for myself.
"Thanks mom, that's amazing, I really appreciate all you and dad do for me." She smiles and takes my hand in hers.
Yesterday, my mom went home to get clothes and supplies since I have to stay here for a little under two weeks, and she brought me An Imperial Affliction. Even though my eyes are super sleepy, I push myself to read it as much as possible, it helps me escape reality for a little bit.
She also brought some movie for the TV above my bed, so right now since I'm not feeling too great, I'm watching The Little Mermaid. I know its lame but Disney movies always help to cheer me up. The door knocks, and my mom gets up to answer. Isaac and his mom come in.
"Hey Hazel." Isaac says waving. I pause the movie and turn off the TV.
"Hey. Thanks for coming." His mom leads him to a chair next to me, and goes with my mom to the other side of the room to talk. I can't make out what they're saying exactly, but Isaac's mom has her hand over her mouth so I'm assuming it's about me.
"So, how are you feeling? I mean, I know it sucks, and I know…What happened but…How are you feeling?" I take a shaky breath and subconsciously pick at the nail polish on my left thumb.
"Honestly, I thought I would feel worse. I'm not complaining or anything, but ya, I'm just super tired all the time." He nods.
"Isaac, I still have time but I need you to understand, that this is the last stretch of the marathon for me. I'm going. I'm dying Isaac. Now you may not want to accept that but I am." He just keeps nodding, getting faster and faster, and then he runs his hands through him hair. His mom notices and kneels down next to him.
"Honey? Are you alright?" Isaac clenches his teeth.
"No! I'm definitely not alright! First Gus goes, and now this! I'm losing everyone I care about mom! I'm losing my best friends!" I stroke his fingers, tears running down my face.
"You're going to be okay Isaac, I know it."
"I'm sorry." He says, calming down.
"That was super inconsiderate I know, I just, don't understand what any of us did to deserve these lives."
"We didn't do anything." I say
"Sometimes, the world gets an idea in its head, and does whatever it takes to make it happen, ever if it means giving kids cancer. But none of us ever would have met if it weren't for the cancer. Everything happens for a reason Isaac, and I wish it didn't have to be like this but the sooner we accept it the sooner we can start living our lives again. I don't know about you, but I want to die a happy girl, and that's not going to happen if I lie around wishing this on someone other than me. Okay?" he nods and his mom stands back up and joins my mom by the door.
"We'll give you two some time." My mom says. And they leave shutting the door behind them.

"So, what did I miss at support group yesterday? Anything exciting?" he smirks at me.
"I got Kate's number. When I asked her, I could tell she was doing everything she could not to jump up and down shrieking." I laugh.
"Oh really? Well good for you big shot." He punches at me, and just graze's my arm." He swears under his breath.
"Watch it buddy, you almost decapitated the lamp!" He laughs, and I start laughing too. Just for the sake of it. Then I turn the movie back on and we listen to it. After I while I doze off, and when I wake up, Isaac's gone. I turn to look at the clock on my bed side table, and see that he left me a note.

Didn't want to wake you, but I'll come back soon. Call me if you need anything.

Hang in there,

Isaac.