Okay first off, you guys are awesome. Thank you so much for all of the lovely feedback, it was really encouraging! At first I had it in my head that this could be 3 chapters, one for each of the days in the game, but then I started writing and yeah... that's not happening. 4 or 5 is a safer bet. Anyway, this one was a lot of fun to write so please enjoy!

When Craig woke up the next morning, he had a sore asshole. He must have been sleeping on it funny. Whatever – he got himself ready for school, making sure to dress in his rogue costume before he moved downstairs. There he saw the rest of his family watching television in the living room.

"Son, school's been canceled for the next few days," his father informed him, "it's on the news."

"Oh." Craig paused to watch the TV. A new Taco Bell? Clyde would be happy. Actually, this was just the type of thing that he would spastically text him about. Craig found himself pulling out his phone to check, but his only notification was for a mass Facebook message sent out by Cartman.

The Stick has been stolen! Those fucking cheating asshole drow elves should have taken us out to dinner if they wanted to talk about changing the rules, because I don't know about the rest of you humans but I like being wined and dined before I get FUCKED! Report to the KKK immediately after breakfast!

They just got the Stick back, and now they had to do it again? This was getting stupid. Maybe he should just quit.

Actually… hmm.

Craig didn't report immediately to the KKK after breakfast; he knocked on Clyde's door instead. He had to be awake by now. "Hi," he greeted Mr. Donovan when he answered, "is Clyde home?"

Mr. Donovan shook his head. Craig blinked. Really? "School's canceled, so he went outside to play. Should I let him know you stopped by?" he asked kindly.

"That's okay," Craig said. "Thank you," he added before stepping away, going back to the sidewalk and wandering in the direction of Cartman's house. Looks like he was reporting to Kupa Keep after all. He checked his phone a couple times along the way.

Should he text him? No, Clyde was the one who usually texted first. If he did it it'd be weird. Besides, he doubted Clyde was making him anxious on purpose; he was probably hanging around the new Taco Bell, if that's what it really was. It could just as well be one of those Taco Bell-KFC combos. He'd find out later. In the meantime, better go help take back the Stick.

Or just sit around and keep the shop while Douchebag and Butters were out recruiting the goths. Why had they needed to be here immediately again? They weren't even doing anything. This was dull. Token and Tweek helped, though.

"What if we're missing something important? What if they make us do twice the amount of work when we get back! ARGH! It's too much pressure! Why would Taco Bell close the school?!"

"Taco Bell didn't close the school Tweek, that was the earthquake and fires. The mayor says everything will be back to normal soon though?" Token offered.

"No dude it was totally the Taco Bell," Cartman input from his place at the head of the keep, looking up from his phone.

"Was not," Token argued, "it was the earthquakes and fires. The news said!"

"And where do you think the earthquakes and fires came from, Token?" Cartman said, annoyed.

"Taco Bell wouldn't do that! Would they?" Tweek's eyes widened. "Gah!"

"Look, forget about the Taco Bell!" Cartman snapped. "We have bigger things to worry about. Sir Douchebag is getting us the goth kids, but we have to figure out where those sneaky little drow elves hid the Stick of Truth!"

Craig looked at him blandly. "Is that what we're doing."

"Screw you, Craig! I'm watching the carrier ravens! Why don't you make yourself useful and fucking sell something!"

"Would you like to see my wares, weary traveler."

"That's not what I fucking- EY! Don't flip me off you asshole!"

"ALARM!" Butters came running into the keep, arms flailing. "Alarm! Alarm!"

"Butters!" Cartman rushed forward, alert. "Butters, what's wrong? Where is Sir Douchebag! He wasn't grounded, was he?" he asked fearfully.

"Sir Douchebag," Butters said quickly, pausing between heavy breaths, "Sir Douchebag was taken – by the wicked drow elves – of the forest!"

"Oh my GOD!"

"They hit him with a hammer and dragged him off!"

"Hit him with a- Butters! Where were you for all of this? You were supposed to be his buddy!"

"Well I was bein' his buddy, Eric," Butters said, shuffling nervously, "we beat up the drow elves and everything, but then they got up and got their hammer and, oh jeez-"

"Fucking cheating asshole rat Jew ELVES! I fucking HATE ELVES! Craig!"

"Yeah?"

Cartman let go of his anger to straighten up, moving his arms behind his back. "It appears that you're humanity's last hope now, Craig. Douchebag has been captured; taken from us! Though to where, we cannot know." He started pacing. "Imprisoned in the Elven Kingdom itself? Or being tortured in the forest, perhaps. We need someone with stealth. Someone who can survey the elven army undetected, discover where Douchebag is being kept, and release him from the clutches of their evil. Only a thief can handle this task, so go, Feldspar! Go, and see our hero returned."

Once all eyes were on him, Craig nodded seriously. "Nothing a level twelve thief can't handle." A rescue mission was waaay cooler than attending a shop. He stepped back and turned with a dramatic whoosh of his cloak to take his leave.

"Oh gosh, do you really think Craig will be able to rescue Sir Douchebag?"

"Pray that he can, Butters. Pray that he can."

Craig was definitely about to. Then he got a text message.

Come over right now.

He stared down at his phone, eyes flashing between the message and the sender. No, that was definitely Clyde. What could be urgent enough to merit spelling, and punctuation? And yet, the KKK was counting on him.

Craig walked out to the front of Cartman's house and stopped on the sidewalk, considering his choices: left, to spy on the Elven Kingdom, or right, to go see Clyde. He stood in quiet contemplation for a few moments, then sighed. He had to do what he had to do.

Omw.

"Oh, Craig, hello again," Mr. Donovan smiled. "Clyde's home now. He's in the backyard playing with his friends, why don't you go on back?"

Craig frowned. Friends? He didn't know what was going on, but whatever it was, it would probably make more sense once he got back there. Then he did, and it did.

"Woah." Craig stopped in the back doorway, just staring. Clyde's modest little truth-or-dare tree fort had been transformed into a towering, multi-level tree fortress that a bunch of sixth graders were still adding flags and chains to.

"Are you Craig?"

Craig looked down from the fortress to see one of the sixth graders standing at the base, guarding its entrance with his arms crossed. "Yeah."

He stepped aside. "The dark lord is expecting you."

"Okay." Apparently Clyde was a dark lord now.

Craig ascended the fortress to the higher levels, passing more sixth graders along the way. This base was awesome. Way cooler than the Kingdom of Kupa Keep. He continued to walk through the levels until he finally reached the throne room, and yeah, Clyde was definitely a dark lord now. A hot one. Damn.

"Hello, Feldspar," Clyde said, folding his fingers together and leaning forward with menace. A small part of Craig wondered how long he'd been sitting there waiting to do that, but mostly he was just impressed. So, naturally, he took a stunned step back.

"Clyde! But, I don't understand. You were sent into exile by the grand wizard!"

"Was I?" Clyde's smirk grew as he pulled his hands apart, reaching one behind his back while he kept his eyes locked with Craig's. Well, kind of – his arm fumbled around a bit and he had to break the gaze to shoot a quick glance behind his back to locate whatever he was grasping for before he refocused.

"Behold!"

Craig gasped. "The Stick of Truth." So it wasn't the elves that took it, but Clyde. Craig underestimated him. Who could have guessed that his plan for vengeance would be so effective? Well, one thing was clear: the game just got a whole lot more interesting.

"So you see, I control the universe now," Clyde boasted proudly. Craig fought off a smile. "And now you're probably wondering: why would I show you all of this?"

"I'm not wondering," Craig replied. "You want me to join you and your army of darkness."

"Army of darkness? Hey, that's a cool- I mean, YES! The grand wizard won't have authority for much longer, Feldspar. Neither king will. Help me spy on them as I continue to build up my army, and then when the time is right, join me as the dark lord's chief assassin!"

…Being a double agent was waaay cooler than being on a rescue mission.

If it worked out.

"Your army appears formidable, but the humans are strong and the elves are many. We both know how easily the tides turn in these lands. Even now the KKK works to recruit the goth faction. If they discover our deception we both risk being lost in space and time, indefinitely."

Clyde was undeterred. In fact, he smiled. "The goth faction, you say. How appropriate, then, that I have already taken steps to recruit the vampire kids! Do not worry for the," he paused, searching for the right word, "magnitude, of my Army of Darkness. Everything is in hand! All that's left is an elite second in command, and I'm evil now so it has to be a chief assassin," he said pointedly, before his eyes and voice softened. "I need you, Craig."

Craig couldn't help the rush he felt at those words. He needed him. That wasn't a thing guys said to their completely platonic friends. Craig stopped himself before his thoughts could go too far in that direction, though; it was being too hopeful, and besides, there was still something that bothered him about this whole thing. "Why didn't you tell me earlier? I'm your best friend. You know I could have helped you with all this."

Clyde looked away sheepishly. "I'm sorry. It's just, you told me not to do anything you know? And I know you weren't going to quit the game for me." Craig hesitated. Clyde continued. "I just wanted to hang out with you again – and drive Zaron into a darkness the likes of which the world has never seen – and since I already didn't listen to you, I needed to make sure that everything was good enough and that you'd like it before asking you to betray everyone else and join me for real."

That made sense. It also made his feelings and hopefulness return in full force.

"And being second in command to the keeper of the Stick does not come without its perks," Clyde went on, looking back at him with a grin. "I can grant you power or special abilities or whatever, too."

He could, couldn't he? Hm. Well, if Craig got to be a boss… "Can I have shadow clones?" Shadow clones would be awesome.

Clyde paused thoughtfully. "How many hats do you have?"

"Like, ten."

"Done!" Clyde declared, raising the Stick. "I'll make you immune to splash damage too."

"You can do that? Sweet."

"Of course I can, I control the universe now! This is but a taste of what I can offer!"

Mm. Taste.

"So, Feldspar! Are you ready to swear your allegiance to me, or is there anything else you desire?"

Desire…

It took a lot of willpower for Craig to keep from biting his lip. Clyde had to know what he was doing, there was just no way he couldn't. Right? He couldn't be that dense. Well okay, maybe that was giving him too much credit, but he hadn't given him enough credit before with the whole vengeance thing. And anyway Clyde said it himself, in that tone that'd been as telling as his words: he needed him.

"There is one thing." Craig swallowed hard.

"Name it."

It wasn't too late to say 'never mind,' think this through a little more, or go back to his scheming, but he wasn't going to do any of those things. This felt too right. "A kiss."

Clyde's eyes widened and he blinked a few times. It would have been funny if it didn't hold Craig in so much suspense. "A kiss?" he repeated.

As nervous as he was, Craig wasn't the type to fidget so he just nodded.

Clyde contemplated this for what seemed like another eternity. Then, resolute, he stood from his throne. "Okay."

Craig had been bracing himself, but he didn't expect his heart to leap in his chest. No crushing rejection! So he had read the moment right! Clyde liked him, just as much as he liked Clyde. Well, maybe. He liked Clyde a lot. And now…

"But dude, do you want to wait until I recruit vampire girls? They're pretty cute, and I bet a bunch would want to kiss you. The only girls in my army now are sixth graders, and I mean…"

It was as though the butterflies in his stomach had their wings torn off and plunged into a deep pit. Oh, crushing rejection. There you are.

"Yeah," Craig said, for lack of anything better to say that would keep him from expelling himself from space and time in eternal humiliation. "How's that going, anyway? Recruiting the vampire kids?" he prompted quickly, because it was time for a new topic. One that would distract Clyde and keep him talking. Meanwhile he could contemplate his own misery.

How platonically did Clyde see him to not even see one of the most straightforward advances ever for what it was? Clyde wasn't exactly the brightest kid in the class, but damnit! How had that actually just happened? Should he have clarified and said 'a kiss from you'? God, Clyde probably would have just asked who Craig wanted to hook him up with. Shit.

"Great actually, thank you for asking!" Clyde wrapped his arm around the back of Craig's shoulders and gently steered him towards the doorway so they could descend the fortress together. "I've spoken with their leader. I had to get them soda and snacks – that's already taken care of," he kept his arm on Craig as they walked because obviously he wanted him to suffer, "and now I have to get a few things from Hot Topic, and drink something called clamato juice? I didn't know clamatoes had juice," he said thoughtfully. "But anyway, Hot Topic first! I'm going to the mall."

Wait. Did he hear that right? He'd been wretchedly preoccupied. "You're going to the mall?"

"Yep."

Uh. "Did you see the news? The mall's closed, it's where they're building the new Taco Bell."

"Yeah, that's why the vampire kids didn't want to go with me," Clyde frowned. "They don't want to get in trouble."

"No, I mean it's destroyed. Even if it weren't, that Hot Topic was burned down. Remember?"

"Craig, it's Hot Topic. If getting burned down and bombarded by a Taco Bell from the sky actually destroyed it it'd be too easy."

He gave up.

They fell into silence as they walked the rest of the way, and it wasn't until they reached the base of the fortress that Clyde finally let go of Craig. It helped him think a little more clearly, so he turned his mind almost forcefully to their plotting in the game. And he realized something.

"I never swore my allegiance to you, you know."

Clyde blinked. "Oh yeah. But you do, right?"

"Yeah." There was a small little part of him that almost didn't want to, but, tough. Clyde was still his best friend… even if that's all there was to it.

"Awesome," Clyde grinned. "Return to the KKK and keep the humans and elves occupied, I'll send you a tex- missive when I have returned victorious."

Ah, the game. Good. He could do this. "They are occupied, my lord. Sir Douchebag has been taken by the elves and now hangs in the balance, and the grand wizard watches the ravens."

"Both factions surely do. We must keep our rise secret from all."

"I will control the skies. Word of our treachery will not be revealed until it is too late!"

"Excellent! Together we will make Zaron tremble! Haha, AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!"

"Clyde, if you're going out make sure to be back for lunch!"

"Okay Dad! Hey Dad, if anyone asks Craig was never here okay!"

"I was never here," Craig confirmed, leaving a confused Mr. Donovan to watch after them as they walked through the house to the front yard.

He had a new mission now. Well, the same mission, but now he was undercover so it was totally different. It was pretty exciting too; enough to make him almost forget that the blatant yet indirect rejection even happened. Except for it did, and…

No. He wasn't going to think about that. Treachery awaited.