Did I say 4 or 5 chapters? Because, I'm pretty sure what I meant by that was like, 6 or 7, haha, ahaha... whoops...
Anyway! Thank you again to everyone who's read this far, and even followed/fav'd/reviewed, I appreciate it so much! Hopefully you enjoy chapter 3!
Even though he'd put it off in the first place, Craig didn't exactly rush to the Elven Forest. Douchebag was tough. The elves could torture him all they wanted; he wouldn't talk. Besides, Craig no longer had humanity's best interests at heart.
Which was why he was more intrigued than annoyed when he saw a completely unfazed Douchebag walk out of Stan's house, with Stan. Craig ducked behind a bush immediately to enter stealth mode before they could see him.
"I bow to you, ogre slayer. I'm glad to call you friend!" Stan declared, fiddling a bit with his iPhone. "There! Where to next? Lead the way," he said, though the phone still seemed to hold most of his attention. "I joined the goths once before, it's not too hard. Once you get the clothes- aw, sick! She put Britney Spears on here!"
Then they left, running past Kyle's house and disappearing around the corner.
Craig unstealthed. Interesting. Very interesting.
Not only did Douchebag no longer need rescuing, but he was playing with the elves now. Or was he playing both sides? He should know better. Craig chuckled darkly. This was too good.
He backtracked his way to the KKK.
"Craig's back!" Butters declared upon his arrival, causing the king and the princess to emerge from their tent. Cartman didn't look as happy to see him.
"Without Sir Douchebag?"
"No, Grand Wizard. I have news. I searched everywhere for Sir Douchebag," he said dramatically, "and then finally, I found him – fighting alongside the ranger of Larnion."
"What?" Princess Kenny was beside herself. "Oh my good word!"
"Fear not for Douchebag's loyalty my lady! For I have surveyed his movements carefully, and have concluded that his elven allegiance is a ruse. I am certain he still works for us." Maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't. Craig didn't particularly care.
"Of course," Cartman said, expression turning to triumph, "if the elves think he works for them, he can find out where they're hiding the Stick and take it from right under their stupid pointed ears! Oh man, he's totally playing them!"
"Yes," Craig agreed, "and if we want him to succeed, we have to do our part. Elves could be anywhere now, and if we confront him about this his cover could be blown." And more importantly, he was the only one with enough information to possibly suspect that neither faction had the Stick. It wasn't something Cartman needed to know.
"I don't like it, but you're right. Everyone! We must act as if nothing has changed. If Douchebag calls on us for aid, we must be there; if not, we must keep our distance."
"Is that really what we should be doing, leaving him alone with the elves!" Tweek cried. "They manipulate minds you guys!"
That actually brought Craig to his next point. "Yes, they do. Douchebag is on our side now, but the more he hangs out with the elves, the riskier it is. They are sneaky rats, after all." Cartman nodded approvingly. Craig went on. "I have been able to avoid their notice, so I will continue to track Douchebag in secret and do what I can to protect him from their influence."
Cartman thought about this, then nodded again. "Very well, Craig. And Craig," he added once the thief turned away, "I was worried about you, especially since we banished Clyde, but you've really come through for us. So I guess… I'm sorry, I'm sorry – what I'm trying to say is," he smiled, "maybe you're not as much of a dildo as we all thought."
Craig kept walking. Betraying this bastard was going to make him so happy.
When Craig saw Clyde again he expected it to be gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, and all in all painful. What he didn't expect was to see him on the sidewalk, rolling a large orange bin, dressed in…
"Craig," Clyde's eyes widened in horror, "Craig it's not- I can explain-"
"Nice fangs."
"I already told you I have to recruit the vampire kids, and like-"
"I like the black hair, too. It really goes with the cape."
"Hot Topic has a really big selection-"
"That thing on your eyebrow real?"
"NO! Are you kidding me, my dad would never let me-"
"H-Hold on," Craig interrupted again because he was closer now, "is that…?"
"It's… not eye shadow, per se-"
That was it. Craig lost it. He started laughing really, really hard, to the point where his sides started to hurt, but he didn't care; this was awesome.
"Are you done?" Clyde crossed his arms, which only encouraged Craig to laugh even more at his expense, and not just because of the fishnet gloves.
"It's just," Craig managed after he got most of it out of his system, "it's so douchey."
"Screw you!"
"You're never going to screw anything looking like that," he snickered.
"ARGH!" Clyde yelled out before he leaned on his canister, burying his flushed face in his arms against the metal. "Do I really look that bad?" he asked in a mutter. "I thought for sure this would get me in with the vampire kids, but if I just look like some idiot…" he trailed off, frowning.
"What? No," Craig shook his head, though he couldn't manage to stop grinning just yet. God, he looked so angsty. "I'm saying that you couldn't look more vampire kid if you tried."
"You mean it?" He looked up, hopeful. "Thanks, Craig."
"It's not a compliment," he replied cheerfully before his eyes drifted to the canister. "So what's that?"
"Oh my god Craig," Clyde said with sudden energy as he immediately straightened up. His self-consciousness about the douchey vampire getup was all at once forgotten. "The new Taco Bell construction site – you won't believe – guess what I found, Craig!"
Craig raised an eyebrow and motioned to the container. "That?"
"Yeah but guess what it is!"
"No."
"It's taco sauce that raises the dead!"
"…Get out."
"No, I'm serious! I'll show you! Just- hey actually, can you roll this to my backyard? I still have to talk to Vampir but then I can show you what I mean and you can help me make a ruler of darkness video and we can raise an army of the dead, unless it blows your cover anyway, because we're still plotting and secretive and being as inconspicuous as possible is seriously our top priority right now." He took a moment after his ramble to step away from the large bin of hazard material and adjust his vampire cape.
"My cover's all taken care of," Craig said, eyeing the canister skeptically before turning to look at Clyde. "I can do that. Just, one question first. Are you team Edward, or team Jacob?"
"Bite me!" Clyde exclaimed as he shoved the canister towards him, though this time he grinned too. "Thanks man, I'll see you back at my house okay!" He gave Craig one last smile before he took off into the day.
Craig snickered as he waved his farewell to vampire Clyde. He was such an endearing dork sometimes; could anyone blame Craig for loving him?
That sudden, dangerous thought froze his mind to a screeching halt. He felt a weird ache in his chest which he vaguely surmised could be his heart. Damnit. Rejection ought to detach you from a person, not bring on revelations that keep calling the whole futile thing into question. Did he seriously feel that way? As a friend, yeah, but as more…?
Craig struggled with this for a few minutes before scoffing in frustration. Fuck it all, it was over; it's done. He'd already went for it, kind of, and from all the different ways it could have gone, the reality was much better than it could have been. Clyde couldn't see a brick if it hit him in the face, and it saved their friendship. Craig should be happy, and he was – and wasn't, but that didn't matter.
Setting his hands on the vat of Taco Bell sauce Craig resumed the task of rolling it to Clyde's house, keeping a careful watch all around him as he did. He was a master of stealth, but having an over-encumbered inventory reduced his thief abilities by at least fifty percent.
Luckily he didn't come across any humans, and the pair of elves he encountered he backstabbed easily enough. The only other obstacle was on the turn just before their street: a dead cat, in the middle if the sidewalk. It looked recent.
Craig frowned. He liked animals. How had this happened? He approached the cat and knelt down to lift it gently. He didn't know what to do with it from there, all he knew is that he didn't want to run it over with the vat of taco sauce that allegedly raised the- …dead…
He looked down at the poor kitty, then over to his vat. Well, it was worth a shot. He set the cat down next to it and then carefully pried at the lid so some of the contents would leak out.
When the green sauce spilled onto the cat, its eyes opened slowly. "Mrow… Mreowww… SIEG HEIL!"
Holy shit.
CATS RECRUITED (1/5)
Craig pounded the lid shut to stop the leak. Yep. New Taco Bell sauce raised the dead. "C'mon kitty, I brought you back so you're in the Army of Darkness now." The arrangement seemed to work out just fine, and Craig's new companion followed him all the way back.
The next cat Craig found, Clyde brought back to life in his ruler of darkness video.
Everything was coming together. The sixth graders completed the finishing touches on the fortress, the vampire kids had sworn allegiance, and now they had everything they needed to raise an additional army of the dead to add to their already overwhelming forces. All the while, the humans and elves were too involved with each other to suspect a thing. Craig closed Twitter and grabbed Clyde's laptop.
"Last chance to redo," he offered.
"Nah, we only had the one cat to bring back," Clyde said, watching said cat goose step around the throne room while he ate a sandwich.
Craig opened the laptop to make sure that everything was set up right, and to watch the video again.
"It's good right?" Clyde looked over as it played. "I figure I'm pretty pissed off, and having an undead army makes me way more evil so I probably want to just literally destroy everything," he mused.
"Yeah, it's cool," Craig agreed, closing the laptop once the video finished. "Fuck the world."
"Cool!" Clyde shoved the rest of the sandwich in his mouth before he stood and grabbed the Stick, gesturing to Craig as he strolled to the balcony. Craig tucked the laptop securely under his left arm, and went to join Clyde on his right.
"My army still grows, but everything is in place," Clyde said, eyes shifting to him. "There is but one thing remaining. Do you know your task?"
"Indeed," Craig said with a smirk. "When the night is through they will no longer know me as Feldspar their beloved thief, but as my true identity: Craig, the dark lord's chief assassin!"
"Dude, that's so awesome," Clyde said in an earnest whisper, nudging his shoulder.
"I know," Craig replied, before he cleared his throat and pulled away. "Watch for my raven, Lord. And be ready."
CHECK MY LOCKER
Craig stepped back from Clyde's desk, admiring his handiwork. Yes, that'll do nicely. Now it was just a simple matter of sneaking back out of the classroom, through the halls, out the front door—and straight back in, because shit, was that Douchebag? What was he doing here?
Carefully Craig nudged the door open again, just enough to watch him and his new buddy Stan disappear around the side of the school. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
Deciding that stalking Douchebag was what Craig was supposed to be up to anyway, he crept closer to the edge of the building. He didn't need to look; only listen.
"…but can you dance goth?"
Music started, and Craig relaxed. They weren't here to interfere, just recruit. Heh, four goth kids were nothing compared to a vampire army. Craig smirked a little at the thought of their impending doom, but kept silent.
"Woah."
"Apathy combo."
"All right New Kid, you've officially proven yourself."
"Yeah," there was a sigh. "Just tell us where you need us and we'll be there."
"Come, New Kid," Stan's cheerful voice cut through the gloom, "let us return to the Elven Kingdom!"
Sticking with the elves, huh? Well, that worked for Craig. He fled the scene quickly. There was just one thing left to do before he returned to the KKK, and so he turned to his new Twitter accounts.
Hey guys I had to do chores all morning, the elves are still winning right? Is the Stick still safe in our king's desk at school?
One down.
How many elfs does it take to find the stick of truth? NONE cuz its still in the grand wizards desk LOL #gofuckyoursELVES #KKKsupremacy
None to go.
"What do you mean he changed sides?! Goddamnit Craig, your whole job was to keep that from happening! How did it happen!"
"The elves are skilled manipulators, Grand Wizard, especially when they have the Stick of Truth. Douchebag knows who his true friends are, he has just lost his way. We must fight him now, yes, but we must also remind him! There is hope yet."
"Well this is great, this is just fucking great! Who's supposed to be our hero now, Tweek?!"
"Aah!" the blonde boy shrieked.
Cartman rolled his eyes and looked around critically before getting even angrier. "Where is-"
"Eric! ERIC!" Butters ran in with all urgency, "we know where the elves are hiding the Stick!"
"What! Really!?" Cartman gasped.
While the rest of the humans gathered around, Craig slipped into the back row.
"We just intercepted their messages on Twitter!"
"You mean you shot down their message raven," Cartman glowered.
"R-right – we shot down their raven – and the evil elf king has hidden the Stick inside his desk at school!"
"Of course… Kyle hid it in his desk! Citizens of Kupa Keep," he rallied, "we know where the elves are hiding the Stick! I told you they were cheating. Now we will march on the school, and make the hallways drip with elven blood!"
"HUZZAH!" Craig cheered with the others.
"And Butters!"
"Y-yes Eric?"
"Good job bringing this to me. Looks like some of us can be useful," Cartman said, flashing a quick glare to Craig in particular. "You knew Douchebag the best out of all of us – his strengths; his weaknesses – so you're going to have to fight him."
"Fight him?!" Butters repeated, alarmed. "But Eric, Sir Douchebag is my friend! I don't wanna fight him!"
"Well if you two were such great buddies then where is he right now?"
Butters shuffled, uncomfortable. "Hangin' out with the elves, I s'pose…"
"That's what I thought." Cartman pointed his staff at him. "We need him back. It is vital!"
"W-Well what about Princess Kenny?"
"Oh please, we both know she's not that pretty."
"Fuck you fat boy, I'm the fairest maiden in all the land." She emphasized this point by snapping up her middle finger and twirling her hair.
Cartman scowled irritably before refocusing on the paladin. "It has to be you, Butters. Convince him to return to the light, or kick his fucking ass trying. GENTLEMEN!" he turned once again to address the crowd, "TO THE SCHOOL!"
"HUZZAH!" They all cheered again, but this time, Craig didn't join them. He only smirked.