Hey readers! Getting close to the end now, can you tell? Heheh. Just one chapter to go after this one! (And a small epilogue after that.) As usual, thank you so much for the feedback! You guys rock. ;D Now what can I say about this chapter... it's probably about as silly as you'd expect at this point. The title might be my favorite part. Please enjoy!
"Is it too much?"
Craig considered this as the two of them stood in the throne room, looking over the open coffin of the school's former chef.
"Nah."
Clyde continued his critical inspection for a moment longer before smiling darkly. "Nice."
Craig had to agree. He watched as Clyde closed the coffin and went about filling a super soaker with Taco Bell sauce. It was amazing, really; every time he thought Clyde couldn't possibly become more powerful and evil, he found a new way to outdo himself. Seriously, they had everything. All that was really left was to let the humans, the elves, the girls, the pirates, and Kevin come, and hand them all their asses because yeah, their dark empire was just that good. Victory may as well already be theirs.
"Hey, so," Clyde fastened the super soaker cap tightly before setting the weapon down on top of the hazard bin, "do you think we'll win?"
It was like he wasn't paying attention at all. "Of course we will. This about the girls?" Because of course Craig had filled him in on his exchange with the princess. Well, the relevant parts of it. Anyway. "It doesn't matter what or who they have. Look around for a second. We've got this. What makes you think we don't?"
"I dunno. I mean- okay, we're obviously the bad guys here right?" he asked as he started fixing one side of a long, transparent tube to the coffin that held Chef's dead body.
"Uh huh," Craig agreed, grabbing the other end of the tube and taping it to the nozzle of the Nazi zombie taco sauce.
"Well just think of every great villain ever like Sauron, and Voldemort, and the Titanic, and Thor,"
"Uh- huh?"
"They had seriously everything and then some asshole just took them down! The bad guys always lose, it's the villain's curse."
"Come on. What are the odds of that happening here?"
"Really low, but that's exactly what makes them so high!" he insisted, turning to Craig as he finished with the coffin.
"That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as a villain's curse." He tugged on the taped up tube a couple of times to make sure it wouldn't pull free. "You'll see for yourself when they try to stop us. Besides, all of your bad guys are from movies…" He stood, turning to face Clyde. "This is a game."
Clyde stared. He wasn't following.
"Think about it. How many times have you died playing Halo?"
He blinked. "A bunch…" The gears turned, then clicked in realization. "We are going to kick fucking ass."
That was more like it. "Yeah, we are."
Clyde smiled earnestly. "Thanks, man. You're really good at cheering me up, you know? I mean you didn't have to bring up my crappy Halo score-"
"Really?" Craig interrupted, focusing on that first part. He always thought he was an inadequate shit at it.
"Well, uh, yeah." He glanced away, starting to fidget.
"My lord!" The sudden entrance of Vampir made both of their heads turn to the general. He carried himself with great importance, though some of it diminished when he spied Craig. Craig's satisfaction must have shown; Vampir's eyes narrowed subtly before turning back to Clyde. "I sent some of my coven outside the fortress as per the chief assassin's orders, and we captured two humans sneaking right outside our border."
"Prisoners?" Clyde's eyes lit up with excitement as he scrambled to his throne, gesturing to Craig once he was seated. Craig moved on cue to stand at his side, and decided to take a few step back from there to help him look more receded and shadowy. Clyde meanwhile was straightening his armor to his satisfaction before he let out a content hum and got out the Stick. Then he looked up.
"How do I look?"
"Evil," Craig replied. "How do I look?"
"Killer." Clyde turned to Vampir. "Bring them before me."
"At once, Master. Bloodrayne!"
At his command a silver-haired vampiress entered, escorting the unlucky pair with their wrists bound behind their backs. One was armored as a KKK warrior and the other had a black patch over his left eye, but other than that nothing was particularly significant.
"Well, well, well. What have we here? Thought you could spy on the Army of Darkness, did you?"
"No!" the warrior said at once. "We weren't spying, we were just passing by, honest!" The boy with the eyepatch just sighed.
Clyde leaned forward. "What do you think, Craig?"
"I think he answered a little too quickly."
"What should we do to them, Master?" Bloodrayne asked, flashing her fangs in an evil grin.
"Nothing… provided of course they tell us what we want to know," Clyde said.
The warrior suddenly switched from apprehensive to defiant. "Forget it! We're not telling you anything. We'd never betray our kingdom," he said, turning his glare on Craig. "We're not like your filthy, rotten, double-crossing, tampon eating, shit loving fuckface trai-"
That was quite enough though, so Craig stepped forward, picked up Clyde's super soaker, and shot the human in the face.
"Ahhh!" the warrior cried as he snapped his eyes shut and struggled against his restraints, for what good it did. It wasn't long before his cries turned into groans, and his groans turned into devoted German chants.
"One more for the army," Bloodrayne cackled, taking the liberty to unbind his wrists and escort the turned warrior from the throne room. Vampir took her place, grabbing the remaining human's arm to keep him in check – though from the way his mouth hung open in shock, it was hardly necessary. He wasn't going anywhere.
Craig calmly brandished the super soaker his way. "Will you talk, or would you rather end up like your pal back there?"
He looked between Craig and Clyde, taking a moment to level his expression. "He wasn't my pal, just my buddy. Keep that green stuff away from me and I'll tell you what I can."
Craig lowered his weapon. "Smart."
"Pray that you can give us new information for your sake, human," said Clyde. "We already know that you have joined forces with the elves, and that you're recruiting the pirates and the girls and Kevin. What we don't know is when your pathetic forces are planning the attack."
The human looked at him blankly. "I don't know that."
Vampir clicked his tongue. "Shall we torture him, my lord?"
"Wait," the human amended quickly, "I mean, I don't think anybody knows. We still don't have the girls yet and in order to get them Douchebag has to go to Canada. They just sent him to get a passport, so I guess they won't attack you until he gets back?"
"Canada, eh?" Clyde said thoughtfully. Craig considered this too. If it was true, he doubted they'd have to worry about the final battle tonight. "Okay, human," Clyde went on, "your information is somewhat useful. If you know any other secrets that could harm your would-be alliance, I think you should tell me now unless you want your torture to be more horrible than you can imagine."
The human's eyes widened with horror as he realized he wasn't about to be spared. "You can't do that!"
"Yes I can!"
"But I don't know anything else!"
"Is that so? Very well. Say, Craig," Clyde said ominously as he leaned back in his throne. "The Fortress of Darkness… does it have a shop?"
Craig smirked knowingly. "No my lord, I don't believe it does."
Vampir wasn't quite up to speed. "What dark and nefarious fate awaits him?"
"Simple, General. First we will take the human down the hall…" pause for dramatic effect, "…set up a shop…" another pause, maybe unnecessary but still good, "…and force him to tend to it! AHAHAHAHAAA!" When he cackled, Craig joined in. Clyde's evil truly knew no bounds.
"Er…" Vampir hesitated. "Forgive me my lord, but isn't that kind of… lame, per se?"
Their laughter stopped abruptly. Clyde looked affronted. Craig glared. "Have you ever been in charge of a shop, Vampir?" he asked. "It's only the slowest, cruelest form of torture and will either break his spirit into shreds or drive him to darkness and evil." He said all of this like it was obvious, because really, it was.
The human blinked. "Oh, then- no! Anything but that!" he wailed appropriately.
Clyde looked pleased. "See? Exactly. Nothing can save you now! Take him away, Vampir!"
Vampir looked between them skeptically before shaking his head with resignation. "Right away. Come on, human, a terrible fate awaits you."
When the general and the prisoner were gone, the dark lord and his chief assassin returned to their snickering.
"Oh man, that was so awesome! That one prisoner was just like 'I'll never betray the humans but oh no now I have to!'"
"Yeah," Craig laughed, "and the other guy was all 'noooo!'"
"I know!" Clyde grinned. "So there's no way they'd dare to attack us without their precious Douchebag and the girls, right?"
"They wouldn't stand a chance," Craig agreed. "Not that they would otherwise, but yeah, we've got to be in the clear tonight."
"Then I guess there's just one more quest we need to complete." Clyde stood from his throne and walked to the balcony where he held the Stick high. "Hey everyone!" he called to his subjects in declaration, "EVIL PARTY!"
The response came in the form of a boisterous cheer, and the celebration of darkness began.
By the time Clyde's army had completed all of their side quests and tactical preparations, the party was in full swing. Clyde was living it up at the center of it all and Craig was right there with him, at least for the first few hours. Between all of the games, the dancing, the music, and the volume in general, Craig eventually retreated to the third level where they'd set up all the animals.
People still passed by, but he was content to just hang out and pet cats and keep himself company. No, really – his eight shadow clones had tagged along with him, now including a Craig of the Asian variety that Clyde appointed in an effort to be more politically correct.
So yeah, maybe he wasn't alone alone, but he didn't mind. He liked them.
"Cuuuuute!"
"Super cute."
"If I could stay here petting bunnies all night, I would be sooo happy."
"I'm a level fourteen thief, I can do what I want."
"Oh."
"Don't 'oh' me!"
"Did you just flip me off?"
"We should watch Red Racer."
He liked them a lot.
Craig leaned back contently and let his gaze wander to the window. The sky was getting darker and it even looked like it might storm a little, if the clouds had any say. It was kind of a shame they weren't doing battle tonight. Lightning always crackled for the best villains during their epic battles; Clyde would have loved it. There were only a few hours now before bed time, though, and if there was any chance of the ex-kingdoms making their move today they'd have probably already done it.
"Hey, Craig!"
He and the eight others that fell into that category looked up to see Bloodrayne, just as she finished climbing down from the upper level.
"A bunch of us are getting together to play spin the bottle," she smiled deviously. "You in?" It was an open question; she looked between all of them.
"Sure," said one.
"Why not?" agreed another.
"Pass." That one continued to pet the rabbit.
Craig himself stiffened. Spin the bottle? It wasn't even that long ago when he'd entertained that very idea in the early stages of his failed scheme to kiss Clyde. He'd dismissed it as stupid and unreliable. Right now, though, there was just one very critical question on his mind: was Clyde playing?
All day long he'd been keeping that loser part of him that was into his best friend at bay. Now here was a full force reminder. About half of his duplicates got up to follow Bloodrayne, and whether it was good judgment or not, he got up too. He was just going to see; there was nothing wrong with going to see. And if Clyde was there with everyone else, well…
The floor was expectedly crowded when they reached it, but when Bloodrayne called for attention, most people stopped and turned towards her, giving them a good look at all of the faces.
"Is this everyone? Let's get started!"
He wasn't there.
Craig wanted to run back downstairs and bury his face in a kitten. He didn't even know what he'd expected, he just knew that expectations sucked. And he wasn't playing.
He and one of his clones hung back with a few others while the other three joined the larger group that was already forming a circle that took up half the floor. Once everyone started sitting down, Bloodrayne walked to the center with a bottle.
"Let's see now… who should go first?" She clicked her tongue in amusement as she set the bottle down on its side, turning it deliberately as her eyes sought a target. "How about one of our chief assassins take the honor?"
The trio – consisting conveniently of the distinct Black Craig, Asian Craig, and Craig Classic – looked at each other before Black Craig bravely got up and gave the bottle a spin. It landed immediately on himself. There was a round of laughter before they had him spin again, and again, it landed on himself. Only this time it was the Asian one.
Craig crossed his arms, kind of annoyed, while everyone else started to hoot and holler. Black Craig glanced over at Asian Craig, who actually offered him a hesitant smile. This was all the encouragement he needed to cup the Asian boy's face in his hands and close their distance with a heated kiss.
A group of vampire girls cheered loudly. Craig crossed his arms even harder.
"You're all over yourself, huh?" The clone beside him gave him a nudge while he snickered. "Oh no- no wait I've got one! Don't you think it's a little-"
"I will replace you with a Mexican," Craig threatened, effectively shutting him up.
Since it wasn't awkward enough at that point, the group decided they should go counter-clockwise, making it the other Craig's turn next. He watched as the look-alike got up and gave the bottle a spin. It seemed absurdly fitting that it landed on one of the vampire girls, and neither were disappointed when they met at the middle.
The results were in: three out of every four Craigs got some.
"Are you the real one?" the vampire asked the clone curiously.
"Maybe."
Craig snorted, but as they proceeded to stick their tongues in each other's mouths, a bitter taste filled his own. Even before he'd fucked it up Craig never had a solid approach to his whole Clyde situation, but here was his clone, unwittingly showing him the perfect scheme a freaking day and a half too late.
'Are you the real one?' Clyde would ask, just after Craig gave him the most mind-blowing kiss he'd ever experienced. 'Because as obvious as it is that I've never considered this before holy shit you are a hot makeout god with perfect teeth and I think I'm in love with you let's go out forever!' Craig sighed wistfully at scenario A.
'Are you the real one?' Clyde would also ask in scenario B. 'Okay good because DUDE one of your shadow clones just MOUTH RAPED me and ran off no seriously man he was fake and gay and WAAAAHHHHHH!' So maybe it wasn't an ideal, but he'd have still gotten his illicit kiss and definitive closure without the expense of friendship.
But no, he had to deal with the reality of scenario C. 'A kiss?' Clyde had said. 'Okay. But dude, do you want to wait until I recruit vampire girls? Because I'm super dense and really this is what you get for being an impulsive moron and not thinking things through. Now if you try anything I'll know for sure what you meant and it will ruin our friendship because I am seriously so straight, and even if I weren't I would rather touch and probably kiss some poser and look at him like you've always wanted me to look at you because he looks so much like you and-'
His mind halted abruptly. Pause. Rewind.
'You look so much like him…'
No… no way. There was no way that he actually – damnit – it was wishful thinking still, it had to be. Being in people's personal space was just Clyde's thing, and just because he was impressed with some kid's resemblance to Craig didn't mean he was ogling him because of it. Things didn't just happen because you wanted them to. Right?
'I don't want that anymore.'
'Wh- you don't?'
That's- that's right- he'd sounded so upset after that. Disproportionally upset, given that he was talking about Craig getting a kiss from a vampire girl. Unless he wasn't. Unless he figured it out, and had a more personal investment. It… couldn't be entirely implausible that…
'Hey.'
…Shit.
'What's goin' on?'
He was a fucking idiot.
"Where's Clyde?" he demanded sharply, only vaguely aware that he had pulled the attention of the room.
"Uh," Bloodrayne was the one who replied, turning to one of the two vampires that Craig had interrupted in the middle of the game circle, "I think he was upstairs?"
Craig didn't wait for confirmation; he took off. Clyde had some explaining to do – provided Craig let him get to it. He had half a mind not to. Of course this was all under the assumption that he wasn't mistaken again, but this time, he was almost positive he wasn't. Or maybe he'd just waited long enough already. He didn't care. Craig stormed his way through the various levels of the party until he found a crowd of people clustered in the newly designated shop and the familiar voice of the dark lord among them.
"Say it!"
"C-Can I interest you in some of my wares?"
"Ahahaha, YES!" Clyde boomed. Craig shoved through the laughing crowd to see Clyde standing on the counter and cackling as he poked the human prisoner with the Stick. "Feel the sting of unimportance!"
"Clyde." Craig felt this was a sufficient enough warning. He grabbed Clyde by the arm and proceeded to drag him from the room.
"Craig wha- uh, Army of Darkness, keep mocking the prisoner!" Clyde called over his shoulder as he struggled to keep up with Craig's quick strides. "Dude?"
Craig didn't respond or let go of Clyde's arm until he had him in the otherwise empty throne room, but only so he could turn around and grab him by the shoulders instead. "Let's talk about our deal."
It was the last thing Clyde expected, and it definitely showed. Realization and worry flashed in his eyes, and from there he struggled to regain composure. "What about it?" he asked in badly feigned indifference.
Craig just raised an eyebrow, reminding him who he was trying to fool. Again Clyde faltered, and his face started to visibly heat up. Craig enjoyed this immensely. He decided let Clyde squirm for a few seconds longer before mercifully leaning in, only to stop when he was just a breath away.
"I'm collecting."
And before Clyde could react – or Craig, for that matter – the sound of their evil war horn echoed throughout the fortress, and the cyclops on lookout duty stormed into the throne room. "My lord, they're here! The human and elven forces are preparing to attack!"
The sudden interruption made Clyde jump and whirl his head around swiftly, which in turn made Craig curse and stagger back, letting go of Clyde in favor of holding his face after being squarely clocked by one of the spikes on his crown.
"Oh shit-! Sorry! Are you- shit- I have to- sorry! Uh," Clyde was stammering frantically. Craig pulled his hand away from his face just in time to see Clyde give him a final apologetic look before he clutched the Stick and ran off to the balcony.
...Son of a bitch.