Chapter 11

Isaac

After a few days, Kate woke up. It turns out that her body was using all of its energy to feed and help grow the baby, and wasn't keeping enough for her, so she went into a coma. She's okay now, so is the baby. I call Hazel, and she sounds super relived that all is well but I can't help notice the pain and weakness in her voice. I'm going to be honest here. It sounded like she wanted to give up.

"Hey" I say when I go back into Kate's room, gently kissing her on the four head.
"So it looks like everything is okay, I just need to get my energy back." I smile.
"So tell me again, how many months are you? I'm sorry I'm blanking."
"That's okay, and five. It's been five months." She reaches out and takes my hand. I can't believe it's already been five months. That means it's been nine months since we lost Gus. It still hurts like hell to think about him.
"What are you thinking about?" She asks, her voice concerned.
"Just…Nothing, I'm okay."
"Okay, I love you."
"And I you" I say and she laughs. God I love her laugh.

Hazel

Everything hurts, my lungs hurt, my stomach hurts, it hurts to talk and move, it just hurts. I now I'm sounding super weak and annoying, but the reality is I'm dying, and I'm dying quickly. I think of Gus, and how he believed in a capital-S Something, and how I hope that he was right, and that when I go, I'll meet him capital-S Somewhere, and we can be happy. Without tubes, or oxygen machines, or fear of dying…I guess having died..? I don't know, I'm not making much sense anymore.

"Hey sweetie. How are you doing?" My mom asks me.
"Everything hurts!" I complain. She pulls the hair back from my face and holds back her tears.
"Oh honey, I know. I hate to see you like this. All me and your father ever wanted was for you to be healthy, it's the worst feeling you know, watching your kid suffer." I snort.
"Are you sure it's the worst feeling?" She laughs.
"Second worse." I smile.
"Mom…You have to promise me that…You'll read Augustus's eulogy at my funeral." I reach over to my nightstand, and grab the letter to give to her.
"Promise me. Please." She sighs.
"Okay, I promise. But you know it's going to be very difficult for me."
"Mom, you can handle it." She nods.
"Oh! Speaking of Gus, his parents wanted to see you so they're going to come by later." I sigh.
"Okay, I guess." She smiles and leaves me alone again.

"Hazel, honey. It's so so good to see you!" Gus's mom and dad come rushing into my room to give me hugs and kiss me on the cheek.
"We really have missed you Hazel, you know we used to have you around every day, and now…Well, you remind us of him, you brought out the best in him." Looking at them, I wonder if they realize that it's been nine months, that they haven't seen me with him for nine months. But maybe when you lose a child, the pain never goes away, every morning it just hits you again and again. Losing the love of my life was a ten; I'm guessing they call it an eleven.
Suddenly I just burst into tears. Mrs. Waters come to my side and hold me close. She calls out for my mom, who is in the kitchen preparing dinner. She runs in, and wipes tears from my eyes.
"Honey, talk to me. Are you okay?" I stop crying for a minute and just stare at her.
"Okay?" I say hysterical. "Am I okay? No I'm not. I'm dying, I am going to die. I no longer am going to get to live, and create memories or have fun or live life like a normal seventeen year old should, and in my last days, I can't even have Gus here, holding me, loving me and making things better. And yes I know there are people who have it worse but this is pretty damn screwed up don't you think?" They just sit there in stunned silence.
"I'm…I'm sorry." I say, embarrassed by my outburst.
"Honey, there is nothing to be sorry about. We get it, everyone gets it. No one expects you to be happy or grateful for your life, but you still have things to be grateful for. Be grateful for you family, and for your friends, and for the time you got with my Gus. Be grateful for the seventeen years you got, and are getting. Hold on to all of that, and when you leave us. You can leave happy." Gus's mom says, tears streaming down her tired looking face.
"You're right. Thank you." I hug them, and my mom politely makes them leave."
"I love you so, so much." My mom says after were alone.
"I hug her and then she brings me a sandwich, which surprisingly, I manage to keep down. Then I go to bed, thinking about everything Mrs. Waters said, mostly everything she said about Gus.