Chapter 13
Hazel
I hear my father's screams and my mother rushing into my bedroom. "Something's wrong with the BiPap, she's not getting oxygen!" I breathe in and hear a strangled shudder then I get a mask pressed to my face. There are sirens outside; my mom is rushing in with like ten paramedics. "HELP HER!" she screams. I drop my head back and sigh. The paramedics lift me up onto a stretcher and I'm rushed outside into one of the waiting ambulances, the paramedics and my parents screaming at each other, other paramedics reassuring the neighbours who have formed a tight circle around us. My parents get into the back of the ambulance beside me and off we go to the hospital. All I can think is that it didn't work. I just signed myself up for even more pain and suffering. I turn my head to the side as much as I can and I see my mother crying into my father's shoulder.
"It's my fault! I was sure I checked it! I don't know what happened." My father is patting her back.
"No, honey it's not your fault. We just have to hope they can get her stable." Great, now they're blaming themselves for what I did. God it was selfish. I don't know why I did it anymore.
"Mom" I try to say but all I hear is a rasp followed by a tremendous chorus of coughing.
"Sweetie, don't try to talk. It's going to be okay. I'm so sorry sweetie." She takes my hand
"No mom…It wasn't." More coughing. One of the paramedics yells that my pressure is dropping, then I get stuck with a needle and I'm gone.
Isaac
My mom comes into my room and wakes me up. I ask her what time it is, she tells me it's just after five.
"What's going on?" I ask, still sleepy.
"I just got a call from Hazel's mom." I shake my head. I wish I could see her expression.
"She's not dead Isaac, but something went wrong with her BiPap, and it wasn't giving her oxygen. If her dad hadn't come home late from work, than we would have lost her."
"So is she okay now?" I ask, my voice quivering.
"Well, we don't know yet, she's unconscious, they nearly had to put her on life support because they thought she had gone brain dead, but she's struggling along okay." I nod.
"Can we go see her?"
"It's just family right now sweetie but they said they'd call when she can have visitors." I nod then tell her I want to call Kate and she leaves the room.
When she picks up I tell her everything my mom just told me, she curses and I hear the sounds of her getting out of bed.
"Kate, it's just family now. We can't see her." She sighs.
"Okay, well when can we?"
"I don't know yet."
"Okay, well can I come over?"
"Of course you can."
"Okay see you soon. I love you."
"Love you too."
She gets to my house at around six and we eat breakfast then we watch good morning America at Kate's request.
"You know what's ridiculous?" I ask her
"What?" She asks dubiously.
"I don't know what you look like. I have no clue, I just don't know! It's crazy." She laughs.
"It's not that crazy. I assure you I'm very attractive." Now it's my turn to laugh.
"I don't doubt that. I mean I'm blind, but I'm not that blind."
"I know. Who knows maybe one day…?" I cut her off.
"Never mind. Let's just watch the show. So we do. Well I don't, I listen to it.
Hazel
Over the years I've really come to hate the sound of heart monitors. Honestly, it's all like beep, beep, beep, just tempting you to die so that you won't have to listen to the endless agony of the beep, beep, beep anymore. God I hate that. My dad notices I'm awake and calls for a nurse.
"Hey sweetie!" He smiles and takes my hand.
"Hey dad." My voice is hoarse; I can barely make it out.
"It's okay sweetie, you don't have to say anything." Just then my mom comes into the room with coffee and a young looking nurse I'd never seen before. My mom comes to greet me and gives me the biggest hug ever, then my nurse checks out my IV and the like.
"Alight!" She says turning towards me and my family. "We need to talk about what happened last night, but first I'll outline exactly what's going on." I nod "So basically one of your lungs collapsed, we got it back up but they are still really struggling, and you won't be able to leave for a few weeks because you need the breathing assistance that only the hospital can provide. Other than that, there's no tumor growth or edema build up, but we may not be able to bring your lungs back to how they were before." My mom squeezes my hand.
"So, do you think she'll have less time? I mean what can we expect in the next months?" my mom asks nervously.
"Well right now there's no telling how long she has, we'll just have to play it by ear. That's the thing about terminal cancer, you live in uncertainness." My parents nod solemnly.
"Alright." My dad begins. "Last night, was that something we did, or was it the BiPap?" he asks and my heart jolts against my chest."
"There have been cases in the past where the BiPap…"
"Stop." I croak. They all turn towards me. "It was me. Mom, after you left my room last night, I turned down the oxygen levels on the BiPap." My dad starts crying. My mom clamps her hand to her mouth, my nurse is just speechless.
"Honey…Why would you do that? I don't understand! You were doing so well!" I nod.
"Exactly mom! I didn't want to be doing well. I wanted to be dying; I just wanted all of this suffering to end! I wanted to stop thinking about my illness and about Gus and to stop being reminded every day of how much the universe hates me! I just wanted it to be over." Both my parents are crying now. My nurse whispers something to my mom and she nods and then the nurse leaves the room. I'm hysterical. I'm sobbing, I can't control this anymore. I'm just so tired. Someone else comes into the room and introduces himself to my parents then he sticks a needle into my arm that makes the hysteria stop.
"Hazel. My name Is Dr. Matthews. I'm the leading psych physician at this hospital." He jots something onto his clip board.
"I think we need to have a talk." I nod and he sits across from me and starts asking me a bunch of questions.
Isaac
My mom comes into my room to talk to me and Kate.
"What is it? Is she okay?" I say grasping Kate's hand.
"She's…Okay. But her parents called and told me what happened last night. It's very difficult for me to. Um."
"Mom." I say.
"Hazel, she attempted suicide. She turned down the oxygen levels. I guess it all just became too much for her, she wasn't thinking." She starts crying. My mouth just hangs open, I can feel Kate's grip tighten around my fingers.
"Why would she?"
"I don't know Isaac. Her mom said she'll be able to have visitors tomorrow. Maybe you can get her to talk to her, but that's all we know for now." Then she leaves, closing my bedroom door behind her. Kate's head falls against my shoulder. I move my hand onto her pregnant belly.
"It'll be okay" I say, and she leans over and kisses me. Gently, then harder.