Chapter 14
Hazel
"Hey Guys!" I say when I see Isaac and Kate come into my room at the hospital. Kate guides Isaac to my bedside.
"Hey! How are you doing?" Isaac asks searching for my hand. I grasp his.
"I'm good. I mean I don't feel all that great, but I mean, I guess you know what happened." They sigh and sit down in the two plastic chairs beside my bed.
"Hazel, why did you do it? We almost lost you; I don't know what we would have done, what…" I stop Kate mid-sentence.
"You're going to have to deal with it eventually though, very soon. I know it was stupid and I shouldn't have done it, but I just I felt so lost. I still do. I mean what am I supposed to do, to feel? I'm dying. I can't do anything without getting overly tired, it's hard to eat and drink and stay awake for periods of time. I just didn't know what difference it would make if I just went before I had to suffer. Anyways, it was selfish." I shake my head slowly.
"That's all true, and honestly I don't know what to say, because there really isn't anything to say. You're dying, you're going to die and we all have to accept it and live with it, and that includes you Hazel. I know it's hard and I know you want to give up, but you'll know when the time is right. And that isn't now. Okay?" I nod and squeeze his hand and he leans back in his seat.
"So can we talk about something else now?" I glance over at Kate's belly. "How long until the baby is born?" I ask
"I'm due in two months." She says happily, taking Isaac's hand and stroking his fingers.
"Wow, that's exciting!" I say smiling. "So are you going to keep it?" I ask. They look at each other briefly.
"Yes, I think so. My mom is super excited about it; I think she thinks this baby is basically her kid or something." She laughs and I do too.
"Well I can't wait to see it."
"Her." Kate says. "The baby is a girl."
"That's amazing. Well then I can't wait to meet her." They smile at me and then I start to get super tired so they leave and I take a nap.
When I wake up mom is back.
"Did you sleep well?" She asks me.
"Yup, Kate and Isaac came while you were gone."
"I know, I say them in the hallway. How long into Kate has her baby?"
"About two months. It's a girl, they told me today." My mother smiles.
"I remember the day you were born. How happy me and your father were." She stops and looks away for a second.
"Mom." I say reaching out and touching her arm.
"It's just; I'm just really going to miss you." She chokes on the last work and my gut wrenches.
"Mom, you're going to be okay, you're all going to be okay. You'll be there for each other and I'll be looking down on you from heaven, or somewhere." She smiles.
"I've just, I've seen what's happened to Gus's parents, and I just I don't want to be broken. It's just so unfair. You're only seventeen years old. You're such a bright, beautiful, funny, kind girl and I just can't imagine waking up each morning without you." I start crying as I imagine my parents at my funeral and on my birthdays and death days.
"Mom, I love you more than anything in the world, and I'm going to miss you so much and I know it sucks but the world is not a wish granting factory. You and dad just have to be together and remember that I don't want you to be sad. I want you to live the life you weren't able to because of my cancer. And I don't want you to turn into miserable alcoholics or anything. Okay? Can you try and do that for me?" She nods and comes down to hug me.
My life is So. Freaking. Depressing