Chapter 14
Hazel
And so days passed, endless days of pain and exhaustion. Most days Isaac and Kate would visit, but they had a lot to do in preparation for the baby, so a lot of days, I was alone to watch TV and stare aimlessly at walls. My parents tried to help, but really there is nothing they could do to ease the suffering. They told me I had three months left at most, when they finally got up the courage to give me the talk. The talk? You may ask. Well basically, when you're dying at some point your parents have to sit down with you, and even though you already know what's happening they tell you the reality of your disease, and of the future that holds no future. And I listened, with one ear while wondering what I could do in three months, when I can't get out of bed and eating is a challenge and I'm constantly aching and tired? What good is three months? I mean what's the worth of three un-months? So I just sat, with my IV and took my meds and watched TV and lived me painfully toxic life, in the only way I knew how.
But there was this one day, one really good day. I woke up feeling not so hopeless, feeling that even though I was dying I could still live. So I called Isaac and Kate, and they came over. I was still feeling pretty good; I wasn't nauseous, and I wasn't very tired, so my parents decided it would be okay to wheel me outside for a bit. My dad pushed me to a spot under a big oak tree in my backyard and my mother put down a blanket and Kate and Isaac settled in together and my mom and dad sat down with me. We all sat on that blanket in the backyard all afternoon playing board games, and telling funny stories and jokes and eating sandwiches and it was really a lot of fun. When it got a bit cooler out we went back inside and me and Isaac and Kate hung out in my room while my parents made dinner for us, Isaacs's parents, and Kate's parents. Isaac, Kate and I were gathered on my bed and Isaac asked me out of nowhere: "If you were planning your funeral, what would it look like?" I hesitate and Kate looks over at Isaac angrily.
"Um, I don't know. I wouldn't want people to cry too much, and I wouldn't want a priest who spits out buckets of bullshit, and I'd want all my speakers to speak honestly, no crap about how inspiring and amazing I was, because I'm not. I'd just want the truth." He nods.
"Well, if you want me to speak at your funeral, I promise you, I won't bullshit the audience. I'll tell them that you were a beautiful girl who made a lot of people happy and loved deeply and appreciated." I smile.
"Thank you. What about you Kate?"
"Oh I'm with you one-hundred percent! That's the thing I hate most about funerals. The too-late, untruthful, undeserving lamentation of the dead. So ya, I'll be honest."
"Awesome, maybe throw in some jokes every now and then to keep people somewhat happy." They laugh.
At dinner, us kids stay fairly quiet while the parents laugh and nod and exchange stories about our cancer, and stories not about our cancer, but they don't talk about my dying, which is awesome although that's probably just because I'm in the room. For dinner, my parents prepared an amazing vegetarian pasta sauce with a home-dressed salad. I don't eat too much, and my parents try to make me eat more but I just shake my head. Despite my good mood, I'm still sick which means it's kind of hard to keep food now, especially big meals. Under the table, Isaac and Kate are holding hands, and quietly exchanging looks and smiles, I cross my legs under me, thinking about Augustus and that I genuinely hope that his capital-S somewhere does exist and I'll be able to rejoin him there in a little while. I snap back to attention when someone says my name.
"What?" I ask, slightly dazed.
"I just was wondering if you wanted to go rest, you look like your falling asleep." My mom says, looking concerned.
"No I'm fine, I was just thinking."
"Okay, well just tell me if you need to be excused." I nod, slightly embarrassed.
"This pasta was just amazing; you'll have to give me the recipe!" Kate's mom says, and Isaac parents nod their head vigorously, and dive into a conversation I did not want to join about various foods and restaurants and such.
After dinner, my mother decides that I've had enough, and Kate and Isaac, joined by their families thank us, and go back home. I lie in my bed with my laptop, watching videos until I get super tired, and my mom and dad come in to tuck my under my covers.
"So today was a good day, huh?" My mom asks me.
"Ya, it was great." She smiles and my dad kisses me on the forehead and they leave me to sleep.