Author's Note: I just want to say how wonderfully pleased I am to read the reviews! Wow…you all just rock! Many many thanks to you all! I certainly hope that I do not disappoint with this story. You've put the pressure on now! It's wonderful to already love a story and write it and then find out that other people are enjoying it too!

I based this next chapter off the song by Keri Noble called "Have you seen me lately?." It is an excellent song and I first heard it watching an X-Files video on Youtube (great video if you guys want to check it out). Anyway, the words just seemed to really fit James so I included the lyrics at the end of this chapter. I hope you all enjoy! And keep the reviews coming! Woot!

First Times, Second Chances

Chapter Seven: Have You Seen Me Lately?

Meri paced the small kitchen. She had made a pot of coffee but hadn't poured any of it yet. She couldn't sleep, not by a long shot, so she hadn't even tried tonight. This was going to be her second night with no sleep and the others were going to start to notice. Hence, the highly caffeinated coffee.

Harry had retired to bed after a rousing game of Rook with her and Sirius. Sirius had beat them both soundly but Meri had seen the hidden cards under his sleeve. Normally, she would have called him on it but her thoughts were elsewhere tonight. She had told Sirius that this was her home now and it was. But she couldn't help but fantasize about a possible reunion with the Remus from Harry's time. And she always felt guilty when she did.

She watched Sirius very closely that night while they laughed and played cards. He was easily her best friend here, pretty much as he had been in her time, but now there was almost a gentle adoration to the friendship. She loved him, she knew that much and was certain he loved her. But with Remus there had been a passion that lurked underneath the friendship. It was a passion that she found lacking with Sirius and it troubled her.

"What are you doing?"

Meri turned around to see a semi-coherent Remus Lupin staring at her. She could see the effects of alcohol in his eyes and stature but he had come home in worse condition. "Couldn't sleep. What are you doing?"

He motioned behind him and moved slightly as a very happy Peter stumbled through the doorway. "'lo, Meri."

"Charming." Meri tried to suppress as smile as she pulled three mugs out of the cupboard. At least she wouldn't have to drink her coffee alone. Peter only drank every once in awhile and there had never seemed to be a rhyme or reason to his decision to indulge so Meri never scolded him for it. Besides, he was always really happy and equally entertaining. By the time she had set his coffee down in front of him, he was already laughing about something.

"See, this werewolf walks into a bar," he started before laughing so hard tears were running down his cheeks.

"This is why we had to leave," Remus said, grinning into his coffee cup. "He kept starting this joke and never finishing it."

Remus was trying to make light of the matter but Meri could see how it pained him to have Peter repeating the same thing over and over again in front of a bar full of muggles. "Well, I think it's time we finally heard the punch line. So, Pete, what happened after the werewolf walked into the bar?"

"He said 'ouch.'"

Meri, Remus and Peter all turned to see a yawning Sirius standing in the doorway.

"You've heard it before." Peter looked completely deflated.

"We all have, Pete," Sirius said as he walked past the table and gave Peter's shoulder a couple pats. "But it's still a good joke."

That seemed to buoy Peter's spirits once again as he went back to giggling into the coffee mug. Meri hid her smile behind her hand as she caught clips of "werewolf," "bar," and "ouch" every couple of seconds. It was nice to see one of them happy even if it was chemically induced. Remus' semi-good mood seemed to have dissipated at Sirius' arrival and now he was frowning and staring at the table. She was still having a hard time wrapping her mind around him being so sober. She just hoped Sirius behaved himself.

"Wow, RJ," Sirius said, sitting in the chair next to Meri. "I don't think I've ever seen you this clear headed."

So much for behaving himself. "Sirius, don't." As soon as the words left her lips she knew she had just lit a spark under a powder keg. She could feel Sirius bristle at her admonishment.

"It's fine," Remus said and the entire thing diffused.

Meri felt Sirius relax next to her but she knew it wouldn't last for long. When Peter and Remus left, he would immediate challenge her to give an explanation as to why she always defends Remus. Her answer is always the same but he never seems to believe her. Peter's sniggering filled the silence as the other three became lost in their own thoughts.

Sirius finally broke the semi-quiet. "Where's James?"

"He wasn't upstairs?" Meri asked.

Sirius shook his head and looked over at Remus.

"He wasn't at the bar."

"Ouch!" Peter turned to Remus and laughed so hard he nearly fell off his chair.

Meri tapped the tabletop with her fingertips. This was definitely not like James. He had a reputation for keeping to himself but never like this. If anything, he avoided the others but not her. There were many nights they spent sitting on the back porch talking about past times, jokes and lost loved ones. There were glimpses of the James she had grown up with in this James but even this was extreme.

"I think we should go look for him," she finally said.

"You think something's happened to him?" Sirius asked.

Something had happened to him since Harry arrived but she couldn't place her finger on it. There was more to it than just grieving over the loss of Lily and the baby but without knowing what exactly Meri kept quiet on the matter. "I'm afraid something has. We should check the accident departments first."

"Someone needs to stay with Harry," Sirius said. "As well as Mr. Giggles over there."

Remus drained his coffee mug and set it down with a loud bang. "I'll go with Meri."

Sirius stood up from the table. "Don't be daft. You're staying here."

Meri laid a hand on Sirius' arm. "No, it's alright." She tried to ignore the hurt and shock in Sirius' grey eyes. "It'll be fine."

"But will you?"

She didn't know if he said it on purpose to get her hackles up or if he was just concerned. "I can defend myself. I don't need you or Remus or," she pointed at Peter who was trying not to laugh unsuccessfully and thought better of including him, "or anyone else to protect me." The truth of the matter was she was just not up to a verbal spar over her unresolved feelings concerning a certain werewolf. She would go out to look for James, be reminded of how different this Remus was and come back to Sirius' more cheerful nature. She reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Everything will be fine."

He returned the embrace but not the sentiment. Meri pulled away and started down the hallway towards the front door. She could hear Remus' footfalls behind her and hoped this was not a faulty decision on her part. She stepped out into the cool night air and was thankful that it woke her up a bit. The city of London wasn't too far away, about a fifteen minute walk. They had chosen Godric's Hollow for the location. In case of an attack they could easily blend in with the crowds of the city.

"Do you want to catch a cab?"

Meri shook her head. "We may need to take one back to the house. It's best not to waste money."

Remus produced a wad of wrinkled up pounds. "I didn't spend all of it tonight."

Meri stopped and regarded him for a moment. The lamplight glinted off the grey hairs that had wound their way through his light brown hair and seemed to make the lines in his face deeper. He looked old, tired and more like the Remus from her time. After a moment of trying to place the change, she realized what it was: he was smiling slightly. "Why do you drink so much?"

"Why do you always defend me?"

Meri started walking down the street again. She could hear the business of London just a couple blocks away. "The answer is not the same."

"Of course it is. You know that."

"Remus-"

"I love you."

She tried to counter the comment but her normal excuse of "you're drunk" didn't apply now. Besides, there was such a stark truth to how he said it. It was statement, not a plea or a question. He said it the way one would comment on the weather.

"And," he continued, "I daresay you feel the same way."

"No, I don't. I loved the Remus from my time. You're so different from him."

"Am I?"

"Yes."

He stopped and she turned to face him, already weary of the conversation. Her plan apparently worked. He had irritated her so much she was quick to find James and return home.

"Tell me something then," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets, "if you loved the other Remus, the one from your time, and clearly are not smitten by me, then why haven't you agreed to marrying Sirius yet?"

Her fingers itched to touch the ring that was hidden under her shirt. He had hit the proverbial nail on the head. Why had she been skittering around the marriage issue with Sirius? Harry, she thought. Harry could be a way back into her own time, to her original love. But Harry had only showed up a little over a day ago now so there had to be another reason for her hesitance.

"Meri?"

She squared her shoulders. "It's none of your business."

He smiled slightly. "That's not what I meant." He pointed to the right and Meri saw they were in front of the Accident Department.

She swallowed a nervous lump in her throat. "Oh, right."

He thought he should have dreamed. Every time he closed his eyes he tried to hold on to that hope that this time he would dream. After Lily had been killed, he slept all the time, trying to dream about her, the life they had lived together and possible see what their life would have been had she lived. But he always woke up remembering nothing. It wasn't until recently he would sleep and pray for a nightmare, anything that he could wake up and remember dreaming. But it never happened. He would close his eyes and wake up remembering nothing but darkness. Waking up the hospital was no different.

"James?"

He opened his eyes but all he saw was two blurry figures standing over him. He tried blinking a couple times but they remained unfocused.

"Here," one of them said and he felt his glasses being slipped onto his face. As soon as they placed on his nose, he saw Meri and Remus staring down at him.

"Hey," Meri smiled, but it was shaky. She was scared.

"Hey," James tried to smile back but he could tell from their faces it fell flat.

"How did you end up here?" Remus asked.

James closed his eyes. "I, uh, got jumped in an alley." It wasn't the truth but it was not a total lie. But he was starting to get weary of the half-truths. But these were his only friends and to tell them the truth meant the possibility of losing them. He had already lost his wife and child and the thought of losing his friends was just too much.

"James?"

He opened his eyes again. Meri was still leaning over him. "What?"

"Your doctor said you can come home if you want. Or they'll keep you till later on this morning. Whatever you want to do will be fine."

He felt the warm pressure of her hand on his arm. The heat had actually passed through the blanket and into his right side. He couldn't tell if she was using a healing charm, warming charm or if it was just her natural warmth soaking through the fabric. She reminded him so much of his sister, this time's Meriam Potter. She had told them all about their counterparts from her time but yet there was no different between the two women from separate times. She had lost her brother just as he had lost his sister but both of them had been handed a second chance.

He pushed himself up halfway in the bed. A second chance. That was what fate had given them. The Meri he had grown up with would understand where he was in his life. It never mattered what he did, Meri always accepted him. He would just trust that this Meri would be just as accepting.

"I'll stay till later on this morning," he said, turning his hand over and wrapping hold of Meri's wrist. "But you need to stay with me."

She nodded and turned to Remus who merely shrugged.

"I'll let everyone know you're fine."

James watched Remus leave the small room and tried to stop his hands from shaking. Then he realized it wasn't just his hands, but his entire body was quivering.

"James, are you alright? Are you cold?" Meri placed both hand around his.

"No, I'm fine." Even his glasses were bouncing on his nose. "I just, uh, I need to talk to you."

Meri quietly sat down on the bed, still holding his hand. He concentrated on the reassuring weight. "Sure, about what?"

The shaking had gotten so bad now that he could hear his teeth chattering. It was making speaking harder than it already was. He ground his molars together in an effort to spit the words out. "I, uh, I really have to tell…tell you something."

"Alright." Meri rubbed his arm encouragingly. "I'm sure whatever it is, we'll work it out."

He could feel that familiar pressure at the back of his eyes. The burning in his nose as the tears gathered and he just broke. He didn't even know how the words got out but he could tell from the way Meri's muscles tensed and relaxed where he was in the story of how things went so terribly wrong.

"I let Snape take Lily." He was gasping out the words. "I handed her over even though she had voiced her own doubts. When I told her it was alright, not to worry, she looked at me like I had betrayed her. And I did."

"We all thought Snape on was our side, James. That wasn't your fault."

James drew in a shuddering breath. "He's been holding it over my head for all these years."

"What?"

"Keeps saying I sold her out."

"Wait," Meri pulled back slightly and held him at arms length. "You're still in contact with Snape?"

James started to pull himself together. The worst was out on the table now and Meri hadn't left yet. "He keeps telling me he's going to tell you and the others what exactly I had done. How I had failed Lily."

Meri just stared at him with those hazel eyes. Her face was completely unreadable. "How could you think that we would blame you for what happened to Lily? We all loved her and believe me when I say this, but if we thought you were doing the wrong thing, we would have spoken up." A slow smile crept across Meri's face. "Sirius speaks up even when we don't want him to."

James laughed but cut it off, feeling that it was highly inappropriate at this time. But the grin on his younger sister's face showed him she felt otherwise. "There's more. He's used that guilt to have me do things…for them. Mostly just information gathering, and I've tried to give them all wrong information but there were times when I didn't have a choice."

"What kind of information?"

James shrugged and stared out the window. "Silly stuff really. They wanted me to locate magical artifacts mostly. At first they were really interested in the Founders of Hogwarts articles."

"Did you find any?"

"Some. I found a cup of Helga Hufflepuffs and a set of gold scales that were Rowena Ravenclaw's.

There was an eternity of silence before she pulled both of his hands into hers. "Snape has used guilt to convince you that you're less of a man than you really are. I've watched you change so much over these years into someone I hardly recognize. Snape is the one who betrayed Lily, he betrayed all of us but he has you carrying around his guilt."

"Meri, I don't know if I can get back to who I used to be."

"You can't."

James hung his head. She was right. He could never go back to who he was: strong, passionate and willing to die for the right cause. He felt his glasses slip on his tears down to the tip of his nose.

"You can be better than who you were. That's what becomes of us when we face obstacles and overcome them."

A second chance. That was what she meant by those words. If you fail at one test there is always another that comes along. A second chance to make things right when you fail the first time. He swiped at his eyes and pushed his glasses back up his nose. "You're right. I can be better than I was."

"Besides, you have someone who really needs you now. By coming here, he's been handed a second chance as well."

"Harry."

Meri nodded. "He never had a chance to sit down and talk to his father before."

"What do I tell him?"

"About what?"

"About what happened to his mother."

"You tell him the truth. That Snape was betrayer and you did what you thought was best at the time. He will not hold you accountable to that. If he does, he'll need to hold us all accountable."

"But what about the seventeen years of being Snape's lapdog?"

Meri paused to think about that. "Well, I daresay you've haven't been a very good one."

James frowned slightly. "Why would you say that?"

"The thing that Snape and Voldermort want the most is to see us wiped off the face of the Earth. In seventeen years you haven't sold us out and I might add, you're in the hospital right now so obviously you must have said something to get Snape mad."

"I try to do that every time I see him."

"See," Meri playful punched his arm. "There's the old you shining through."

He had heard the saying "the truth will set you free" and never gave it much thought. He had always chalked it up to just a nice thing to say to make people want to be honest in difficult times. But now, having broken the spell of Snape's long standing guilt, he saw the meaning behind those words so clearly. It was Harry's first time to have a real father, but it was James' second chance to make things right.

Have you seen me lately?

Can you tell me what you see in me

Have you seen me lately

All I see is what I used to be

It's eleven-thirty I don't have the time

To come before you now

Yeah-I know it's been awhile

But I'm just to tired now

Please don't be too angry didn't you hear

Me mention you last week

I'm just worn out

Why can't you let me sleep

(have you seen me lately?)

What has happened to my fire

The way you were my every desire

My God, I never meant to be this

Father hold me I can't see myself

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out

It's time to get it right and I will stare at myself

Even if it takes all night

How could I have thought I could keep you

In my grip you're a God of power

I take my eyes off you and I will surely slip

Have you seen me lately?

Can you tell me what you see in me

Have you seen me lately

All I see is what I used to be.

Have you seen me lately?