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Chapter 18

We finally broke away from each other when we heard people coming down the hallway. I walked away from her in the opposite direction of the voices. It was Christina and the others looking for her. She laced her hand in mine as I walked away, not letting go until our fingers could no longer hold on to one another. I stood back in the shadows watching her go, making sure she was safely tucked in the middle of the group, before I headed back to my apartment. I needed to rest, I was going to need all my strength if I was going to carry out my plan for later.

I had decided to take Tris through my fear landscape. I wanted to see if she could figure out, on her own, who I was and where I had come from. I don't know if there is a way to put it into words, better to just let her see it. I want to move forward with this, whatever it is, but not until she knows all of me. The real me. I don't want her to love the carefully crafted image of a Dauntless I have created. If she is going to love me, I want her to love Tobias, not Four.

She would be the only other person in Dauntless to know any of it. The only other person to know was Amar, my trainer, but he is dead now, killed over his Divergence. He was the one who warned me about mine, and helped me know how to hide myself. He made Dauntless feel like my home. It hadn't felt that way since his death. That is, until she came.

I lay down on my bed and my pillow still smells like her. I take deep breaths of her, holding the pillow to my face. She smells like lavender and something else. Mint maybe? I don't know, but it is comforting and relaxing. I am soon asleep wishing she was here with me. When I wake up, it is dark outside and I know it is late enough that hardly anyone will be out.

I head down to the Pit on my way to the dorms, I had planned on waking her up and taking her with me. But, when I start across the Pit, I see her with Christina and Will. She is standing up, leaning over the rail and for a moment my heart stops. Why aren't they doing anything? Then I see her fling what looks to be Erudite reports into the Chasm, laughing as she does. Chrstina yawns and says something about heading to bed. I cross to her right and know that she saw me out of the corner of her eye. I see her watching me as I climb higher around the outside walls on the narrow pathway. She says something about meeting them in the dorms and heads off after me. I slow down enough to allow her to almost catch up to me, but not enough that we are walking together. When I reach the fear landscape room, I stop. I hear her walk in behind me.

"Since you're here, you might as well go in with me." I say, not bothering to turn around. I don't want her to see the grin on my face. I want her to think that I didn't want her to follow me.

"Into your fear landscape?" she asks, nervously.

"Yes."

"I can do that?" she asks, walking towards me.

"The serum connects you to the program," I say, "but the program determines whose landscape you go through. And right now, it's set to put us through mine."

"You would let me see that?" There is a tone of disbelief in her voice.

"Why else do you think I'm going in?" I ask, quietly, still not looking at her. I am scared that if I look at her, I might loose my nerve. "There are some things I want to show you."

I hold up the syringe and she tilts her head to better expose her neck. My hand shakes a little and all I can think about is all the other things I want to do to her neck besides plunge a needle into it. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, then I plunge the needle in. When I have finished, I offer the black box that I keep the syringes in to her.

"I've never done this before." she says, taking the box from me. She looks scared, like she might hurt me.

"Right here," I say, touching the vein on my neck, marking it with my fingernail so she knows where to inject it. She has to stand on her tiptoes to be able to reach my neck at the right angle for the needle. Her hands shakes a little as she pushes it in. I just look at her eyes and they steady me. I barely feel the sting.

I put the syringes back in the box and place the box by the door. Then, I take her hand and she slides her fingers into mine. Her hand is warm and soft. I open the door and lead her into the dark room. I expect her to be nervous, but her breaths are even and she follows me without hesitation, holding firmly to my hand the whole time.

"See if you can figure out why they call me Four." The door clicks shut behind us and we are now standing, hand in hand, in complete and total darkness. She inches closer to me and I feel her press against my arm.

"What's your real name?" she asks.

"See if you can figure that out, too." I say, just as the floor begins to rise beneath our feet.

The city stretches out in front of us and we are standing on a metal beam high above the city. The wind starts to blow hard and I feel Tris lean against me, trying to stay on her feet. I wrap my arm around her, trying to steady us both. I had momentarily forgotten she was hear with me. I can feel my chest tighten and I try to keep my breathing even, but I am starting to panic.

"We have to jump, don't we?" she shouts over the wind.

I nod. I can't speak.

"On three, okay?" she shouts.

I nod again, paralyzed by the thought of jumping.

"One...two...three!" she shouts.

I feel her hand pulling mine forcing me into a run. After the first step, I begin to sprint with her right off the edge of the building. We fall fast and I can feel the air pushing back at us, until I feel us on our hands and knees on the floor again. I gasp for air and press my hand to my chest trying to slow my breathing. Tris is beside me grinning. Did she seriously enjoy that? She looks completely awake, alive, the magical spark dancing in her eyes.

"What's next?" she asks, almost excited. Great, I'm glad my worst nightmares amuse her. Does anything really scare her?

Then the walls begin to close in around us and she slams her head into my collarbone. I pull my arms to my chest trying to give us more room. I begin to panic once more forcing my breaths in and out through clenched teeth. I start to hunch over as the ceiling comes down on us.

"Confinement," she says.

I just grunt at her and she tilts her head enough to look at me. I feel my self grimace, my chest is so tight it burns, this space is only big enough for me. We are going to suffocate if we are in here much longer.

"Hey, its okay. Here-" she says. I feel her guide my arms around her body so that I have more space. I clutch at her back and press my face next to hers. I want her as close to me as possible. I know her touch will calm me if I can focus on it and not the panic.

"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small." she laughs. Not helping, Tris.

"Mmhmm," I strain out through my teeth.

"We can't break out of here," she says. "It's easier to face the fear head on right? So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better. Right?"

"Yes." I force out, my voice tight and strained.

"Okay. We'll have to crouch, then. Ready?" she says.

I'm not ready. I will never be ready, but I know telling her that won't stop her so I just close my eyes and nod. She squeezes my waist and now my heart races for a completely different reason than the panic. She pulls me down with her and turns to curl herself into a ball. I hear the wood planks screech against each other as they move ever closer down on us. Her head is pressed up against me and I breath into her ear.

"This is worse," I say. "This is definitely..."

"Shhh. Arms around me." she instructs in a soothing tone. I obediently slip both arms around her waist. I know it sounds strange, but she seems to be enjoying this. How can she be enjoying this?

"The simulation measures your fear response," she says softly. "So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next one. Remember? So try to forget that we're here."

Forget that we are here? How in the hell am I supposed to do that? Even if I could some how mange to forget that I am trapped in a box that is threatening to squish me, I would never be able to calm my heart rate down enough to convince the simulation, because she is sitting in my lap less than an inch from my face.

"Yeah," I say, my lips brushing her ear ever so slightly as I speak. "It's that easy, huh?"

"You now, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl." she says, teasingly. Is she seriously trying to flirt with me right now?

"Not claustrophobic people, Tris!" my voice coming out desperate now.

"Okay, okay." She sets her hand on top of mine and guides it to her chest, right over her heart. Yeah, that's definitely going to help me calm down. Just put my hands all over you and we'll see if that lowers my heart rate.

"Feel my heartbeat. Can you feel it?"

"Yes." Of course, I can feel it my hand is pressed to your chest!

"Feel how steady it is?" she says, calmly. It's not steady, it's fast. It beats as wildly as mine, but I know its not because of the box. She is as nervous to be in here with me, as I am to be in here with her.

"It's fast."

"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box." she says. Then I see her wince slightly out of the corner of my eye. She didn't mean to admit that to me. I don't say anything, the box is getting tighter and I am finding it harder to breath by the second.

"Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that."

"Okay." I say.

I breathe deeply, and my chest rises and falls in rhythm with hers. After a few seconds of this, she says calmly, "Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from. Maybe talking about it will help us…somehow."

"Um…okay." I breathe with her again. "This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs. My mother kept our winter coats in our closet." I gasp, the memory of my mother causing the panic to increase. "I don't really want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay. Then…I can talk. Ask me something." she says, casually.

"Okay." I laugh shakily in her ear. "Why is your heart racing, Tris?"

I feel her cringe and she says, "Well, I…I barely know you. I barely know you and I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what do you think?"

"If we were in your fear landscape," he says, "would I be in it?"

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Of course you're not. But that's not what I meant." I laugh again at the thought that I make her as nervous as she makes me. The walls break apart and fall away. We are in a circle of light. I sigh and lift my arms away from her, even though I don't want to. When we are done here, I have to find a way to get her back in that position. I was starting to enjoy the feeling of her pressed against me. I stand and turn to face her, a wide grin spreads across my face. She likes me, and she admitted it to me. She gives me wary look.

"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, because you are a terrible liar." I say.

"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well." she says defensively.

I shake my head. "The aptitude test tells you nothing"

She narrows her eyes. "What are you trying to tell me? Your test isn't the reason you ended up Dauntless?"

I swallow hard and take a deep breath, I am scared to tell her, but I don't want to lie to her. "Not exactly, no. I…" Just then I see her out of the corner of my eye. The woman sits, tied to a chair a few yards away. Her head is hung down and her blonde hair covers her face. From where I stand it could be Tris. There is a table to my right with the gun. Tris looks at me, then the woman, and finally to the gun. She opens her mouth to ask something, but then I see the realization in her eyes and she closes it again, looking up into my eyes. She won't be able to help me through this one. I have to do this alone.

"You have to kill her." she says softly.

"Every single time."

"She isn't real."

"She looks real." I bite my lip. "It feels real."

I walk over to the table and take the gun, loading the single bullet into the chamber. There is not as much panic with this one, but far more dread. I am filled with dread. I line up my shot, exhale and fire. Her head whips back and her body crumples against the ropes that hold her. I drop the gun and we both stare at her lifeless body. Tris grabs my arm and pulls at me, but I don't move.

"Come on. Let's go. Keep moving." she says, tugging on me again. This time I allow her to lead me away, my hand firmly grasping hers.

Then, I see him. He creeps along the edge of the circle of light like the Boogie Man stalking some poor child in their dreams. He waits for us to take another step. "Here we go," I whisper.

I pull us into the middle of the circle and a tall, slim figure emerges into the light. He wears grey Abnegation clothes and has his hair cut close to his scalp. He holds his hands behind his back and I. know what he is hiding in them. The belt.

"Marcus," she whispers.

"Here's the part where you learn my real name." My voice is shaking and she rubs her hand against my arm, the rest of me is shaking too.

I inch backwards as he approaches, dropping her hand trying to lead him away from her. "Tobias, this is for your own good." he snarls and it echoes a dozen more times. A dozen more of him step into the circle all holding the same black belt. I don't look at her. I can't take my eyes off him. I know what is coming next and I know I need to fight back, but the panic starts to set in and I feel as though I am paralyzed.

"I see the first first Marcus yank his arm back and put my arms up to protect my face from the lash. I close my eyes instinctively in anticipation of the sting, but it doesn't come. I hear her yell out in pain and look up to see the belt wrapped around her wrist the end of it striking Marcus hard in the shoulder. She protected me. She stood in front of his belt to save me. I see him yell as the belt strikes him and he lunges at her. I push her behind me, angry that he would try to hurt her. I am no longer afraid of him. I will not let anyone hurt her.

The computer registers that I am no longer afraid and all the Marcuses vanish and we are standing in the fear landscape room once more. The lights come on and we can see the busted brick walls and cement floor.

"That's it?" she says, sounding confused. "Those were your worst fears? Why do you only have four...Oh that's why they call you..."

Her words trail off when she sees the expression on my face. My eyes are wide and vulnerable. My lips are slightly parted. I am in awe of her. She was so selfless and so brave. She didn't even think she just acted, she never even hesitated to put herself in danger to save another from harm. Amazing.

I wrap my hand around her elbow and tug her towrd me. I kiss down her cheek and pull her to me, wrapping my arms tightly around her shoulders. I bury my face into her neck and breathe against her, lavender and mint fill my nose and I feel relaxed. She is stiff for a moment and then her arms loop around my waist and she sighs.

"Hey, we got through it." she says softly, soothing me.

I lift my head and slid my fingers through her hair tucking it behind her ear. I stare at her for a moment, taking in how truly beautiful she is. My fingers absently fumble with her hair as I say "You got me through it."

"Well," she clears her throat. "It's easy to be brave when they're not my fears."

"Come on," I say, "I have something else to show you." I take her hand and lace her fingers with mine, leading her away from my fears.