AN: Thank you so much to the reviewer who noticed that I left this scene out. In my haste to post an update, I over looked this chapter in my first draft. I apologize, as this is also one of my favorite scenes. Thank you following the updates and reading and rereading as the situation may be. Happy Reading!
Chapter 18.5
We walk down to the pit our hands laced together. I feel like my whole body is humming with energy. I don't know if it is the adrenaline from my fear landscape or her being so close to me, but I am pretty sure it is her. I have been through my fear landscapre plenty of times and this is the first time I have felt like this afterward.
"So, four fears." she says.
"Four fears then; four fears now," I say, nodding. "They haven't changed, so I keep going in there, but…I still haven't made any progress."
"You can't be fearless, remember?" she says. "Because you still care about things. About your life."
"I know." I say. I walk her down the narrow pathway that leads beside the chasm to a group of flat rocks. I had discovered this place when I was an initiate. I would come her to think or when i needed a break from the chaos of Dauntless. i have never taken anyone else here with me. There was never anyone i wanted to share it with, until now.
"You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results," she says.
""Ah." I scratch the back of my neck with my free hand. She certainly is persistent. "Does it matter?"
"Yes. I want to know." she says.
"How demanding you are." I smile.
We reach the end of the path and stand at the bottom of the chasm, where the rocks form unsteady ground, rising up at harsh angles from the rushing water. I lead her up and down, across small gaps and over angular ridges. My shoes cling to the rough rock. The soles of my shoes mark each rock with a wet footprint. I find a relatively flat rock near the side, where the current isn't strong, and sits down, my feet dangling over the edge. She sits beside me and looks over the jagged edge of the rock to the river below. "These are things I don't tell people, you know. Not even my friends," I say.
She looks at me expectantly, almost a little nervously. I know what she is trying to get me to tell her, but I am still not sure there is any safe place in Dauntless to talk about it. But, the roar of the chasm is loud enough that no one will over hear us, so I decide to continue.
"My result was as expected," he says. "Abnegation."
"Oh." she says, deflated. "But you chose Dauntless anyway?"
"Out of necessity."
"You had to get away from your dad," she says. "Is that why you don't want to be a Dauntless leader? Because if you were, you might have to see him again?"
I shrug. "That, and I've always felt that I don't quite belong among the Dauntless. Not the way they are now, anyway."
"But you're…incredible. I mean, by Dauntless standards. Four fears is unheard of. How could you not belong here?"she says. I stare down at her in disbelief. Me, incredible? I am not incredible, I just pay attention and practice more than anyone else. What else was I supposed to do with all my free time? Its not like I'm Mr. Popular, like Zeke.
I shrug again, "I have a theory that selflessness and bravery aren't all that different. All your life you've been training to forget yourself, so when you're in danger, it becomes your first instinct. I could belong to Abnegation just as easily."
"Yeah, well, I left Abnegation because I wasn't selfless enough, no matter how hard I tried to be." she says, sounding heavy.
"That's not entirely true." I smile at her. "That girl who let someone throw knives at her to spare a friend, who hit my dad with a belt to protect me-that selfless girl, that's not you?"
She frowns at me, "You've been paying close attention, haven't you?"
"I like to observe people." I say grinning at her. She knows its a lie, I don't like to observe all people, just her. But, its not my fault she is so damn distracting.
"Maybe you were cut out for Candor, Four, because you're a terrible liar." she grins back at me. Her eyes sparkle and i can see the spark dance with in them. I place my hand beside hers on the rock and lean closer to her.
"Fine. I was just watching you." I say as my eyes slide over her face. i focus on every part of it, her chin, then her lips, then her nose and then back to her eyes. "I was watching you because, I like you. And don't call me Four okay? It's nice to hear my name again."
It is nice to hear my name again, especially when she says it. She blushes at what I just told her and she struggles to find words to respond.
"But you're older than I am...Tobias." she stammers.
I smile down at her. "Yes, that whopping two-year gap really is insurmountable, isn't it?"
"I'm not trying to be self-deprecating. I just don't get it. I'm younger. I'm not pretty. I-"
I laugh, a deep laugh. She really doesn't know how truly beautiful she is. She doesn't even have to try, she is just beautiful. I touch my lips to her temple. I can't hold back anymore. I want to kiss her and hold her and tell her she is beautiful forever. It may take that long to get her to believe me.
"Don't pretend. You know I'm not. I'm not ugly, but I am certainly not pretty."
"Fine. You're not pretty. So?" I say annoyed, that she keeps saying that. I kiss her cheek. "I like how you look. You're deadly smart. You're brave. And even though you found out about Marcus, you aren't looking at my like I'm a kicked puppy or something."
"Well, you're not." she says.
I just stare at her for a moment. There is not one hint of pity in her eyes. The shine back at me with that same familiar spark. They make me feel whole and strong, not broken and weak, the way Marcus does. I press my hand to her face and lean in brushing my lips to hers. I feel like some one has lit a fire inside me and I need know what it will feel like to have them pressed to mine.
I pull back and look at her again. I can feel my walls shattering around me. My feelings pouring out in front of her, like the water that holds her captive in her fears. I'll fight for her. I won't ever let her go. It is not a feeling. It is a choice. I grin and press my lips back to hers. I take her face in my hands and kiss her, again, firmer, more certain. She wraps her arm around me, sliding it up onto my neck and into my hair. For a few minutes we kiss, deep in the chasm. When we finally do rise, hand in hand, I know that I found the person I am supposed to be with. She makes me stronger, she makes me whole.