In the end, it was a draw.

Her sword versus my gun, the necks of both weapons pressing against each other. The cool surface of her blade presses against my hair, and my gun is aimed directly at the space between her eyes. She stares at me, panting heavily. And then her mouth breaks into a grin. "Okay, you win." And she slumps to the polished ground.

I slump too, breathing heavily. My hair is plastered against the sides of my cheek. I mean yeah, I'm not Peach who needs to put like a jillion hair products in her hair, but I know I probably look like a sweaty mess. "No, you got me good."

For a moment, that's all we can hear; us trying to catch our breaths. And then suddenly she turns to face me suspiciously. "Why are you being so nice?"

I think about the question for a second. Because you know, Samus Aran isn't exactly known for being nice. Ridiculous stereotyping, that's what it is. I force my legs to pick me up so I can head towards my water bottle. "I'm not being nice. I just needed practice."

"You could have asked your friends, Zelda and that Peach," Lyn counters.

I ignore the way Lyn says Peach's name. Sometimes girls are weird. Then again, I'm one of them, so I can't really complain. I decide not to say anything. Hairy situation and all, you know. I take a gulp of water and begin to chug the whole thing down, closing my eyes to enjoy the sweetness of the moment. Water well earned.

"Do you think he's still into her?"

Aaand cue the choking that almost kills me. The water goes down the wrong tunnel and suddenly water's my worst enemy and I'm gagging and Lyn is just standing there. Waiting for an answer. Not acknowledging that I might die if I don't cough up all the water. I know who she's talking about of course. Ike Greil, Overly Buff Swordsman Who Is Evil Because He Cheated On Peach With Lyn And Therefore We Must All Hate Him And Her.

I swear, all the girls here are psycho. All of them. When I manage to cough it all up (Yes, thank you Lyn. You are my lifesaver. Not.) I see that Lyn's still staring at me, unfazed by the near-death experience. Heartless swords-woman. Normally, this would impress me. But now I'm suddenly beginning to understand Peach's hatred.

Sort of.

Nervously, I swallow. Because okay, just because I'm a girl which means boobies, PMS, and curves, does not mean I understand how to react to these kinds of questions. Peach is an expert at them, and sometimes Zelda has her moments too. But me?

My idea of confronting this question would be to say what's on my mind. Which in this case is, "I don't know."

Yeah, profound and all. But honestly, what did she expect?

She sighs something that sounds painfully wistful. "He probably is."

"Erm." Because that's how I sound in these situations.

"It's just that whenever I hear him talk about Peach, it just feels like he misses her. You know?"

"Yeah..." I answer vaguely, capping my water bottle and wondering why Lyn thought it was a good idea to talk to me about this kind of stuff. Because truthfully, if there was anyone who could give her good advice it would be Peach.

Except you know, they hate each other and all.

Damn it all to Brinstar.

"You think he does then?" Lyn's voice is shrill.

"What?" And it takes me several moments to understand what I've said that vague 'yeah' to. "No," I say, shaking my head vigorously as if that'll erase the damage I've unwittingly wrought. "No, I don't think so at all!" You're screwed, Samus. Try talking yourself out of this one, why don't you?

"You just said he does think about her!"

"I didn't mean it." Truthfully, I have no idea what goes on in Ike's head. He's really quiet and brooding. I think that's what attracted Peach to him in the beginning.

And maybe the muscles. If you're into that sort of thing, I guess. Not that I've noticed those things about him. Really.

But if I have to be honest, Ike doesn't really let on what he feels which is why I guess even I was surprised when Peach bawled to the world that she caught him with Lyn. If he couldn't help himself that much then he probably really did have strong feelings for Lyn. I never told Peach that because I know she'd probably break my face with that frying pan of her's (I swear, I think it's made of titanium encrusted diamonds or something) and send me to the hospital wing. Again.

"Then?" She glares expectantly. "How can you be sure?"

I know I should say it. The reasoning. The fact that Ike did something like that proves he's totally head over heels for Lyn. But my throat sticks. Like I said, not really good with the girl talk. So instead I say, "I'll prove it. I'll give it to you from his own mouth."

Sometimes, I think I might be the smartest person I know. (Not.)

§

"I don't understand." Zelda's brow wrinkles in confusion when I tell her everything. "What do you want me to do?" And that's how I know that I'm doomed.

"You have to pretend to be a guy and ask Ike how he feels about Lyn!"

Zelda raises an eyebrow, her protuberant eyes widening to show worry and puzzlement. "But I am not a man. And besides, if I recall correctly was he not courting Lyn? Therefore, shouldn't he possess strong and romantic feelings for her?"

I suck in a breath through my teeth, feeling an urge to rip out the blades of grass currently wedged between my fingers. But I know that Snake would kill me for that. Out of all people, Snake really hates it when people mess with the garden which is where I dragged Zelda to. Yeah, I didn't see it coming from him either, but I suppose everybody has their guilty pleasures. Just don't ask me what mine is. I don't have any.

I already knew that dragging Peach into this mess would result in the fury of that frying pan of her's. Or tennis racket. Or golf club. Take your pick, really. She has a whole arsenal of seemingly innocent objects that she can turn into weapons. Like turnips.

"Yeah," I say trying not to fume. "But she wants reaffirmation that she's the only girl for him and that he's not still thinking about Peach."

"That's impossible."

I frown. "What do you mean?"

Zelda shrugs. "People will sometimes think of their past lovers from time to time. They cannot help it. What Lyn is asking for borderlines on the impossible."

"That's ridiculous," I snort. As usual, Zelda spews some sort of dumb nonsense. If there's one thing Peach and I agree on, it's the fact that the Triforce of Wisdom definitely does not belong to her.

It must have been a mistake. Or maybe her goddesses just wanted a really long laugh.

At any rate, Zelda stares at me as if I hadn't just laughed at her. She continues, "I do not see why you cannot do it. You understand men better than I."

This is because for the longest time, everybody thought I was a dude and ever since then I've been labeled as many things - a dyke (That was Peach), a tomboy (Okay, this might be true, but really? Why can't I just be a girl who doesn't like overly feminine things?), a tranny (Zelda couldn't seem to wrap her head around the fact that I didn't mind being a girl), and a cross-dresser (Practically every male in Smash Brothers) amongst other labels.

All because women apparently can't wear power suits. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Smash Brothers is a completely sexist industry. It's even in its name! But now's not the time to go on a feminist rant.

Concentrate, Samus. Concentrate.

"You can transform into Sheik," I point out.

Zelda presses her lips tightly together. "My other half does not come upon command."

Which is another way of saying, "I don't wanna do it." Because I've seen Zelda transform into Sheik whenever she's about to lose and desperately needs speed over power.

And there was that one time I caught her filching Fox's stash of adult magazines just to see what they contained. Rather than being embarrassed or shocked, she was simply puzzled. "But why would Fox want to look at these unclothed women-foxes?"

Said the most modestly clothed woman in Smash Brothers.

Yeah, so "doesn't come upon command" my butt...

Still, I know that once her mind's made up, I can't convince her otherwise. I guess this is a solo mission.

I hate my life. Most of the time.

§

Samus, can you hear me?

Maybe I'm not completely alone. Zelda has agreed to invade my mind on this little excursion - Probably because she's also curious to see what's going on. Peach and I have talked for hours about how she was crushing on Link but you probably know by now - she's too dumb to figure it out herself.

"Yeah, of course," I grumble, looking at myself in the mirror. I'm wearing a short brown wig and hazel contacts. I also dyed my eyebrows brown. Zelda insisted that I do it with real dye but I put my foot down on that. There was no way in hell I was going that far. Zelda had also told me to put on a fake beard so I had spent a painstaking hour gluing stubble to my face. The directions said it would only take ten minutes, which is why nobody reads directions anymore.

The worst part was taping my boobs down and figuring out what to wear that would disguise my "womanly" assets. Zelda and I decided that we would wear Sheik's armor underneath and on top I'd wear a red power suit. On my wrist was a very small recording device that was designed to look like a wristwatch.

In the end, the wig itched worse than lice and the armor that belonged to Sheik was uncomfortably tight. But I looked like a man.

A hot man.

You have quite a big ego, Zelda tells me and I realize that she can hear everything I was thinking.

Of course I can hear everything you are thinking. Also, what is a crush?

"Gah, go away, Zelda!" I snap, feeling ridiculous that she had heard everything I was saying.

Do you think I am crushing him because I spend so much time with him? Because I'll have you know that I haven't really spent much time with him!

"Of course not," I say, rolling my eyes and stepping out of the public bathroom and into the hallway. Almost immediately, I run into Sonic who gives me the once over.

"What are you doing in here?"

"Why can't I be here?" I retort. Never liked Sonic. It's like I always say - never trust anything from Sega.

You don't belong here, Samus! Remember you aren't you, so he's being perfectly normal by asking you that question!

Oh, yeah. Right. "I mean," I say, clearing my throat and adopting a more gravelly voice. "I got lost. I'm new."

Sonic eyes me suspiciously. "Oh, really? I don't seem to remember you... unless," and here his eyes narrow as he furrows his brow deeper. I see the dawning realization hit his face and I am prepared to tell him that this wasn't my idea, that I don't cross-dress for fun when he says, "You must be that cheap knock-off. I told Master Hand, Megaman or nothing!" He glares at me, like this is my fault and when I don't respond due to my bafflement, he says, "Oh don't act like you're so confused! Everybody wanted Megaman, but obviously his contract would have been too expensive so we got stuck with you!"

"Me?" I can't help but splutter in confusion. It's only then that I realize that my costume does look shockingly similar to Megaman's, except for the fact that it's red and that my helmet looks slightly different.

"We all know you're Microman!" Sonic says, rolling his eyes. "You don't have to hide it now that you're here."

I'm about to open my mouth in protest but Zelda says, You better just go along with it. At least you don't have to think up an identity yourself. And though I don't want to admit it, Zelda has actually made a rational point. Alert the masses, the apocalypse should arrive soon.

"Fine," I say quietly, so Sonic doesn't hear me. Aloud I say, "Well, you're right. I'm still not sure if this is the right place for me. So I was wondering if I could spend the day with the men around here to give me a tour of the place."

Sonic stares at me for one long moment. Then he says, "Are you gay?"

"No!"

Sonic continues to stare at me suspiciously before gesturing at me to follow him. "Well, I guess I can take you to the men's locker room. I think Ike and Link have just finished a team battle with Captain Falcon and Marth, so most of the guys should be there.

Perfect, Zelda and I think at the same time.

§

This is the first time I've ever been in the men's locker room and the first thing I notice is the smell. The air here is damp, like sweat, but that's not what attacks my nostrils. It's the sharp, heady scent of cologne and aftershave. I'll be honest here and say that I love the scent of cologne and aftershave... but this was way too much!

You enjoy the way a male smells?

"Why is that so surprising?!" I protest.

"What?" Sonic asks, eyeing me suspiciously.

"Uh," I say. "I just didn't think the walls would be white. So I mean, that's surprising." The walls are the exact shade of the girl's locker room, and the actual lockers themselves are a deep blue. There are benches between them with shirts and shorts draped over some of them. There is nothing strange about this locker room, and the expression on Sonic's face seems to confirm this as he shoots me a nasty look that seems to suggest that he thinks I am brain dead.

"C'mon," he says, leading me by the showers and oh my God.

What is "oh my God?" Zelda demands, frustration apparent in her voice that she cannot see what I can.

Ike passes me by and holy Metroids, he's got an eight-pack going on. An eight pack! I didn't even know that actually existed without the aid of steroids! Shaking my head furiously to clear my head, I watch him walk by, with nothing but a fluffy white towel wrapped around his waist. His biceps bulge as he reaches for another smaller towel to dry his wet hair. Droplets slide down his neck, languidly, so slow, down his pecs and-

I take a deep breath, itching at my helmet because the wig is really starting to bug me. Now I understand why Peach was so upset to break up with that.

"His name is Microman, and he's one of those cheap Megaman wannabes," Sonic is explaining, jerking his thumb at me. He's talking to Captain Falcon, who has his helmet off for once. He's got bristly brown hair plastered around his face and he's hardly looking at me.

"Come to think of it, I did hear about a Microman before," Captain Falcon says.

I let out a deep breath and suddenly all the male Smashers want to see me. That includes, Luigi, Mario, Link, Marth, and Snake. After the initial shock of seeing Ike mostly naked, it's a lot easier to look at the rest of the guys and they all introduce themselves one by one.

Snake says, "This here's Link, but I'm sure you've already heard of him."

Ask him about Midna.

"No!" I say loudly, because I only came here for Lyn and I'm not going on a ridiculous side quest here.

All the male Smashers stare at me.

"Uh, that is," I stutter. "I've never heard of Link before." God, how stupid do I sound?

Link's mouth drops open. "You've never heard of The Legend of Zelda before?"

I chuckle nervously. "Well, yeah, but I thought your name was..." Crap, what do I say now? "Zelda?"

There's a very pregnant pause as all of the male Smashers stare at me horrified. "Dude, are you even a real gamer?" Luigi asks.

"Zelda is a girl name," Marth adds. "It's about Link's adventure, but the Legend is essentially about Zelda's quest for Link. Usually, that is. In the case of Majora's Mask for example-"

"Shut up, Marth, I think he gets the point," Falcon says breezily as I fidget. I'm trying very hard not to reach inside my jumpsuit and adjust Sheik's armor. The way my boobs are just so squashed together is what's really killing me.

"Oh," I say, and because they're all so suspicious, I decide to say something I think might be manly. "So basically you do things for her because you wanna hook up with her, am I right?"

Link turns white and protests, "No! That's not it!"

Mario rolls his eyes. "Oh please, he totally has it bad for Zelda. Peach told me about the poetry that she found in his-"

But before he can complete the thought, Link clamps a hand over Mario's mouth and shoves him away. "Zelda and I are just friends. That's basically it. I hardly even knew her before I joined the tournament." His face reddens as he says it.

Just friends? and for the first time I can't really decipher Zelda's voice, when she echoes him.

But there's something in it that makes me feel bad enough to say, "So uh, if you don't like Zelda then who do you like? I heard about a certain girl called... Midn-"

Captain Falcon jabs me in the ribs with his elbow and I swear, I hear a slight crack when he does so. I try not to yell in pain. "You mean Ilia?" he asks loudly, drowning out what I'm about to say. He laughs too and it sounds forced. "Oh no, they're just friends."

There's a slight nervous laughter going on which means I won't learn about Midna today.

He must really love her...

I want to say that she doesn't know that for sure, but how can I reassure her when it looks that way? Everybody knows Link and Midna spent a lot of time together saving Hyrule, while Zelda was trying to keep her kingdom together. I also know from Zelda that she's unnaturally beautiful. "As a matter of fact," Zelda had said. "She reminded me somewhat of you. Fiercely protective and very stubborn. Horrible temper." I didn't know what she was talking about. I didn't have a horrible temper.

I cleared my throat to try and dispel the awkwardness. "So what about the other girls around here? Anyone to bang?"

Marth gives me an affronted look. "Girls are not to be banged. They are to be courted."

But Captain Falcon says, "All of them are totally bangable. Peach has a nice ass, if you're into that sort of thing." It takes all of my being to not roll my eyes. Of course Falcon would say something like that. Pervert and all.

"Falcon, that's gross," Mario says, looking sick.

"How? She's hot, but annoying. She has a big mouth."

"She's alright," Mario says and I guess I understand why he sounds weird. I know Peach and Mario are very close friends. I suppose Mario's never considered her as a girl.

"Dude, you're obviously blind," Falcon said.

"Can we not talk about Peach?" Ike interrupted.

Bingo! Just the entry, I need.

What's a bingo?

Ignoring Zelda's question, I focus on Ike. "I bet you attract the ladies around here, considering," I gesture towards his body that may as well be photoshopped. "So, if not Peach, who has your eye?"

Ike glowers at me, which is pretty much the only kind of face I've ever seen him use. Kind of deadly sexy, but at the same time it makes me just want to punch him in the face. "I don't want to talk about it."

Surreptitiously, I flick on my recording device. "Why not?"

"Because, Peach and Ike once dated," Mario interrupted. "Then she caught him cheating on her with Lyn."

Ike's frown turns deeper at Mario's words. "She's annoying. I don't regret what I did."

I notice Mario's hands begin to glow a fiery red so I clear my throat to prevent what could be a very heated battle (Buh, dum, tish!). "So Lyn, huh? What do you think about her?"

Ike turns on me. "What's it to you?" he snaps, and he gets up. "Why are you even asking?" Now, I'm a tall person myself. Heck, I'm six feet tall. But Ike is a monster. So when he stands up while I sit down there nearly a three foot distance between his face and mine. I gulp.

"Whoa there," Link says, standing between Ike and I defensively. "No need to start a fight."

I laugh nervously. "Okay, let's move on. If Peach is annoying, and Lyn is uh... off topic, is there anybody else?"

"There's Samus," Luigi quips.

"Oh my God, I know, she's got an ass that would swallow up a G-string." This comes from Captain Falcon.

Samus... Zelda calls out warningly, but I'm beyond warnings. My fists clench.

"Enough. This is not the way to talk about women," Marth cuts in sharply, saving me from showing them my real identity. "Microman, no offense, but you're in no position to ask any questions about the women that stay here."

His words make my blood freeze over because honestly, I don't remember seeing this courteous side of Marth beforehand when Peach paid him to go on a date with her.

"Marth is a feminist," Snake whispers conspiratorially to me, as if that meant I should disregard everything he said.

"So what?" Marth protests. "Look, I've spent some time with Samus. She might be cold to all of you, but she's actually really nice." Whoa, I think and hope that nobody notices my cheeks turn red.

I had always assumed that Marth was attracted to males, Zelda said in a surprised tone.

"No, that's fanon," I counter. There was that one time that Zelda, Peach and I once went read fanfiction, and ever since then Zelda had come to the conclusion that Marth was gay. Peach and I hadn't bothered to correct her.

Silence envelops us, upon my words.

"Dude, you're totally weird. I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear you reference to fanfiction written about us and just leave," Sonic says disgustedly. A chorus of murmured agreements follow him. And as they all leave, I hear Snake murmur to himself, "And besides, Samus isn't even nice in fanfiction."

My mouth twists but I don't try to stop them because honestly, this mission was a failure from the moment it began and I just want to kick myself to agreeing to such a stupid mission. At least I've taken care of the fact that Microman won't be recruited to Smash Brothers. There's no way any he would admit himself in after alienating himself from a good chunk of the Smashers.

Slowly, I get up, avoiding the discarded towels and clothing when I hear something. "Hey Microman, wait." It's Captain Falcon who apparently is the only guy who hasn't left yet. Ugh, great. His comment about my butt reverberates through my head and I try not getting too worked up over it. Knowing Captain Falcon, it could have been worse.

Forcing a tight smile on my face, I whirl around to face him. "What?" I ask, as he approaches me. I can't help the next words. "Any other women with asses that could swallow up a G-string?"

Falcon grins widely and says, "Oh, so you like that song, right? By Kanye West?" He stops just a foot away from me and it only occurs to me now that this is the first time I've interacted with Falcon and we are alone.

And now I realize why that comment sounded so familiar. Kanye West may have good music, but sometimes I do try to forget about the sexist lyrics and focus more on the catchy tune. Captain Falcon reaches out and before I can protest, he removes the helmet and frowns, muttering, "Wrong hair color..." His eyes brighten and he reaches out again and yanks at the wig. My blond hair comes tumbling out before I can slap his hands away.

Just tell him you're Microwoman, Zelda suggests. And I ignore this because, come on, that is probably the most stupid suggestion I've heard. Even for Zelda.

"What are you...?"

"The question should be, what possessed you to spy on us all along?" Captain Falcon's smirk broadens. "Did you honestly think you'd get away with it?"

"You knew all along?" I can't help but squawk. What the heck is going on? I stare at him and suddenly I'm aware that we're almost the same height without our helmets. I used to be slightly taller than him with my armor but now it appears that he's the one who may be taller by a few centimeters. I stare into his almost black eyes which are full of amusement at the moment.

"Obviously."

"How?"

Captain Falcon shrugs, finally looking away. He crosses his arms and takes a step backward to allow me to leave. "I could tell that you weren't really comfortable with what you were wearing. You itched your head and kept fidgeting. It dawned on me that with all the questions you were asking about the girls in particular, that you might've been one of them. Well, I wasn't completely sure it was you at first. I knew it couldn't be Zelda. She'd never stoop so low."

I hear Zelda make a self-satisfied noise and I snort, thinking about nude magazines.

You tell Falcon about that and I will make sure you will not live to see another day.

Who knew Zelda could be so scary? I shiver. "Go on," I say raising my eyebrow.

"So I narrowed it down to you or Peach because Lyn's dating Ike and therefore she could ask him anything she wanted to know." Captain Falcon opens a locker and grabs his battling costume. "So I said stuff about you and Peach. I saw that you got pretty angry about the G-string comment so..." he trails off.

I've been duped, I realize. By a stupid bounty hunter slash racer, no less. He had read me so fast, it was scary. There's only one thing left to do, I realize. "You won't... tell anyone, will you?" I ask uncertainly.

Captain Falcon finishes neatly folding his costume and lays it in his gym bag, zipping it up as he does so. "No," he finally answers. "It'll be our little secret. I promise." When he looks at me, his mouth is no longer grinning and his eyes look intent. Looks sincere enough to me.

I want to say thank you, but the words don't come out and I'm not sure why. Pride, maybe? I don't want him to think I'm a suck up, that he's being merciful towards me. Whatever the reason is, I realize that I've horribly stereotyped Captain Falcon all along. Maybe he's not such a misogynist jerk who hits it and then quits it.

"But Samus," he says, looking up at me and giving me a slow wink. "I really think you do have a nice derrière."

I stand corrected.

A/N: Wow, how long did I take on this? Too long it seems! :P Well, here is chapter three and I apologize for the long wait. I've been busy trying to finish my entry for EC and Pit's Novelty Contest (And I have like, 15,000 words to go, judging by how it's going so far!) Anyway, I also have exams coming up so there's that.

Microman does not actually exist, in case you were wondering. And also the name of the song Captain Falcon quoted is actually Jay-Z's "Run this Town" featuring Kanye West and Rihanna.

Anyway, what else? Oh, I'm always welcome to suggestions, scenarios and the like. I have some things planned out, but as always I'm curious to read any feedback as well as any ideas. For example, if there's anybody you'd like to see, or a situation that the girls may find themselves in... I can't promise that I'll actually do any suggestions, but that being said, if I like it and it fits, I could certainly give it a whirl.

Again, thank you for reading this. Til next time!