A/N: Hello! I'm so happy I've managed to upload this quicker than the last one! Please enjoy! Please comment as well, I totally love them!
Sasha M. [DATA EXPUNGED] considered herself – wrongly so – patient. A very patient, saint of a person. Saint, not that she would admit, being the exact opposite of what she was. Especially when lanterns were involved.
Floating in what she had dubbed THE VOID, she held her possessions to her closely. At the same time, she was attempting to throttle the plastic lantern that had, as far as she could tell, ruined her reputation for never having caused a human death. She prided herself in being the kind of sociopath that did NOT kill people. On purpose. Mostly.
Especially not her friends.
THE VOID was silent, permeated only by a low, threatening hum, as if a giant bee hid in the milky darkness. The source? Sasha. Sasha was the bee. It was her. The bee. She was a very impressively sized bee, we will give her that.
She gave up her strangulation of an inanimate object, sighing. THE VOID was home to nothing but her. At least at the moment.
"Okay, OOOOOOH-kay-ah. Okie dokie! Okalie dokalie!" Sasha crossed her arms, floating upside down without noticing. To her, you're the ones floating upside down.
Oh Sasha, you craz-ay!
Ahem.
"So." Sasha stared down the cheap lantern. "So. You are not giving me what I want, good sir and or ma'am." She snatched the lantern from THE VOID, pulling it to her face. "That is a very dangerous thing to not give me, lantern. I gave you that battery and I can take it away!" She slapped the lantern's 'face', narrowing her eyes. "Now! Take me back to Casey! Or... Casey back to me!"
She put her hands on her hips, waiting. Nothing happened. Her hair floated around her face. Their was a small squeaking noise. Hopefully just dramatic effect and, well. Not gas.
She grit her teeth. "Come ON!" She smacked the lantern and it spun in THE VOID. She reached for it, halting it. She grabbed the lantern by the handle and started swinging it around. Angry guttural monkey sounds emanated from her.
THE VOID, after only a moment of this useless shaking (The Great Void knows what it is doing, everything has a time and place. Not everyone has patience), started to flicker, lines of static appearing and disappearing. Eventually they became solid, staying in place. Sasha didn't notice. She continued to shake the lantern.
A shattering noise made her look up. Sasha pumped a fist, grabbing the lantern closer to herself in a... Less violent show of 'affection'.
"WHOO!"
Gravity took hold as her surroundings changed to – now a bit familiar – cartoony surroundings. Sasha, thanks to cartoon physics, floated for a moment before she fell. Still upside down, she squeaked as she landed on her back, something wet splashing against her. The arm with the lantern in it flew back and she heard a loud crack as it hit cement. Of course, her wet clothes were more important.
"EUGH!" Sasha sat up, rolling away immediately. She looked down at herself.
She was already dirty, sure, but now she was covered in... Gross. Disgusting... Mud. Hopefully mud.
Actually it wasn't that gross. Just weird. What was mud doing in the middle of the sidewalk anyway?
She sat up, making a face and wiggling her arms. She tried to get mud off of herself without much success. Sasha stood, growling. This STUNK. She looked down at the lantern. It had a small crack in it.
She paused. She swung the lantern up and smashed it down on the concrete. Something went 'spROING' and the crack grew longer and more, well, unpleasant looking. She nodded, satisfied with her work, and went back to looking around. All was right with the world. Well, Sasha's world.
In a trail down the sidewalk, puddles and piles of mud lay hither-thither. The stained sidewalk led out into the road and around a corner. Whatever had tracked that much mud around must be huge. Ginormous. Huge, gross, mushy toes. A dragon maybe!
A little ways away, a small body print was slapped on the ground. It was smaller than Sasha.
Or not, huge... At all... And familiar.
"Huh."
Obviously, the only thing to do was follow the mud, and that's exactly what Sasha did. THE VOID was boring, Mud? Mud was interesting. Mud was the most important thing in the world. Sasha's world. She has a theme-song for this world, but... It's just a spoof of 'Elmos World'. And it's horrible.
Sasha hummed to herself as she followed the mud, probably humming her theme-song. She stepped in it without much care. It wasn't soaking through her shoes like it was her back. She rounded a corner, eyes down on the mud puddles. A particularly large one appeared in front of her. She hesitated, looking at it, and then stepped forward.
She immediately fell into a large hole filled with mud.
She started to scream.
Crawling out was easy. Shaking the mud off was a lot harder. She got most of it off, and then started walking again. Ahead, a pink and green house loomed. She stopped in front of it. Mud had been splattered across the yard, the windows, the roof, the surrounding apartments. The gnomes were tipped over, covered in mud. One had a Suck Munky stuck to it. Sasha entered the perimeter and picked it up. Half full. Huh.
She sucked on it, no thought of germs as she made her way past the 'I HEART EARTH' sign and to the front door. It tasted like cinnamon. She stopped on the front steps, and the door instantly opened for her. A lot of things reacted to her like that, in Sasha's World at least.
A small tin robot covered in mud stared up at her. "Did you bring the JUICE?!" When it opened it's mouth she could see a mud filled inside. Must be the thermos.
Sasha grinned, and held out the Suck Munky, broken lantern at her side.
...
While a fully documented 'episode' of Sasha M. [DATA EXPUNGED]'s has never been released to the public. We can assure you that it is terrifying, disgusting, and down right stupid. However those who participate in this episode have been known to form new and strong bonds with the subject. Or the subject has been known to immediately horrify any participating, causing those who participated to kick her out of the house – as was the particular action Zim's Computer took that day.
Thus, banished from Zim's trashed living room and lower base area; both of which were thoroughly destroyed; Sasha headed towards the Skool. Less so on a whim, and more so with the knowledge that Casey 'Stablehoof' would probably be there.
...
I learned all this later. All I knew when I saw Sasha was that she was muddy, and that she was there, and had possibly waited all day to let me know she was okay.
Which was, definitely, not okay, acceptable, or at all a calming notion to me.
…
I ignored the faintest echo of my voice. I could only assume it was this universe's natural 'censors', because I heard my voice echoed as 'ship'. I didn't really care. The most concerning thing to me was Sasha, who screamed and ran away immediately. She left the lantern and Gir in place as I ran at her. I was going to throttle her, so really, this was the best choice she could have made. I was a world class throttler after all. I had metals and everything. Ok, so they were detention slips. It was fourth grade. Everyone got over it.
"You... HIDEOUS. UNDULATING. JERK!" I stumbled over Gir and fell on my face in a smudge of mud. Sasha stopped screaming – and running – long enough for me to stand back up. I huffed, and then started running again. Sasha started screaming again as well. She was so considerate.
She ran in tiny circles before darting off towards a tree in the front lawn of the Skool, you know, that one that was sometimes there and sometimes not? I tore after her. As much as someone with short legs and a muffin-top can 'tear'. She reached the tree before me, and ducked behind it as I arrived.
"SASHA!"
"Yeeeessss?" She peeked her head out at me and then yelped as I tried reaching around the tree. I missed and dug my hands into the bark, dragging my nails through it. Cartoon physics were fun, seeing as I left gorges in the tree. Sorry tree. I'd get a bandaid for it later. Those scratches were meant for Sasha after all. I would lovingly gouge her eyes out.
I ran to meet her on the other side, which resulted in a small merry-go-round race that ended with me tripping and Sasha running over me once or twice before going 'Oh!' and stopping for me. I got back up, and she darted off again. What a considerate jerk. She left little footprints on my back as well. I could feel them.
"Pitt stink! Get back here!" I ran after, panting. If anyone's pitts stunk it was mine. Whoo running was sweaty. "This. Is. RIDICULOUS!" I couldn't do it. It was too much. I was so out of shape.
I wheezed and put my hands on my knees. We were back where we'd started, just on opposite sides of the bag. It was wiggling, Gir's legs sticking out of it. They wiggled. I pushed the bag over so it wasn't so distracting, and made a face as mud spilled from it.
Sasha patiently waited for me to regain my breath. I stood up straight, crossing my arms to glare at her. Where to start? So much to ask, so much to scream, really!
"Where WERE you!?" is what I settled on.
"Oh... Arounddddd..." Sasha avoided eye contact, like a puppy that had peed on the rug.
"I saw you-! And you didn't- you didn't even say you were okay! You just disappeared!"
Sasha held up the lantern as I took a threatening step forward. "I couldn't Cas! This, stupid, FOOT, kept pulling me around! I smashed it on the ground when I got to Zim's house so now its not working anymore!" She grinned, tongue sticking out. I was silent as Gir's legs squeaked with each twitch.
"So you destroyed our only way HOME!?" My heart clenched and jumped into my stomach for a swim.
"Oh. Well. I suppose I did do that..."
"Sasha I am g-
"Hey!"
I recognized that voice break anywhere.
Sasha and I turned. We blinked. The schoolyard was mostly clear now. Obviously Sasha and mine's running around – and screaming – had been considered 'playful' and 'childlike' despite my intent to kill. Now, marching down the empty sidewalk, was a very p-o'd looking Zim. Adorable.
"What is this!? What is this!?" He pointed at Gir, his attention mostly on him. "GIR! Get out of there!" Zim reached into the bag – yes of course Zim, I'm sure you have permission for that – and pulled a mud soaked Gir out of it. A squirrel was pasted to his back. Zim didn't seem to notice. "GIR! What happened!?"
Gir squirmed, looking up at him. "I ate alllll the SUK MUNKY!" He made a screaming noise and Zim dropped him in disgust, turning to Sasha. He only sent me a half interested look.
"YOU! You, where did you find my r-my DOG!?" He pointed at her. Sasha was short, as short as Zim. And Zim was on tippy-toes (or stumps, I have never seen his feet so I cant say for sure). Sasha, however, just burst into a huge grin. Sasha wasn't intimidated by anything... Other than public speaking. I usually helped her with it.
"In your house!"
Zim paled, leaning away. "What!? How!? How did you get in the base!?" I made a 'cut it out' motion behind Zim's back, shoulders rising. I mouthed 'shut up' at her. She didn't look at me but she winked. Or maybe that was just an eye twitch. Oh god.
"Your dog let me in!"
I heaved a sigh from my stomach and out.
Sasha could be smart when she wanted to be.
Zim rounded on Gir, who had sat down. I had been watched in disgust as he tried to reach behind him and get the squirrel off of his back. Of course, his arms were little stubs, and it wasn't happening.
"GIR!"
Gir looked up at him. The squirrel shrieked.
Zim's voice fell to a whisper. "Did you let that human into the base?" It should be noted that Zim does not have a 'whisper' setting.
"Yes. Maybe. I dunno."
Zim pressed a hand to his forehead. Poor alien menace, he must have a headache. I grabbed the strap of the backpack, pulling it along as I stepped around the two aliens and to Sasha, who was giggling and watching Zim and Gir. I held the limp, wet bag up to her face. It was disgusting.
"So." I watched Sasha stuff the lantern into the wet, disgusting backpack and then put it on. It made a squelching noise and dripped. "You're... Here." I made an awkward gesture with my hands. "What now?"
Sasha looked a little bashful. "Uhm, yes. So..."
"So."
We stared at each other a moment before Sasha started giggling. I made a face.
"Sasha no."
"Sasha yes."
"Sasha NO-!"
I tried backpedaling but, of course, I was too slow. Sasha lept forward and embraced me, pressing her muddy hair into my face. Of course.
"SASHA YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE GET OFF!" She did. She smelled like flipping cheese. Where did she get the cheese. Why did she get the cheese. Now I smelled like cheese. Ugh.
Sasha reached up and pressed muddy hands onto my face. My eye twitched. "I thought you liiiked cheese?" Her smile was sweet.
I pushed her off and she squeaked. "Not cheese that smells like feet!" I wiped myself off, frowning. Great. Sasha made an 'aw' sound.
I glanced over at Zim, who was now arguing with Gir about 'home security'. I turned back to Sasha. She grinned at me.
After a moment, I sighed, shoulders relaxing. "Okay, hey, Sasha." I smiled a little. "Wanna sign up for skool?" I leaned forward, grabbing her sleeve. "And tell me what the heck is going on while that happens?" I grit my teeth. It was mostly pretend anger. Truly, I was so, so relieved to see her. My grip wasn't even that tight.
Sasha's eyes grew too big for her head. "Ooo." She nodded, winking at me in a conspiratory way. She grabbed my hand. Mud squished between our fingers and I made a loud pitiful 'eUGH' noise before she started dragging me to the Skool.
…
Mr. Elliot was dumb enough to believe that Sasha was my 'friend staying in the same house as me', and that 'my dead grandpa was also her legal guardian, so most information should be the same'. I couldn't really believe it when he handed her a stack of papers about half the size that mine had been.
We sat on the floor in silence, cameras watching us. I looked at the pile of 'finished' papers, digesting what I'd been told. So, we had no way home. Sasha felt that this was, definitely, a separate universe. The lantern had been the bridge, and then, true to her nature, Sasha had burned the bridge.
And then blown it up. And then ate it.
She had apologized but quickly fallen into her work. I'd mumbled something about 'make sure to check the rat boxes' and then had fallen silent too.
I sat up. I'd been laying on the floor. I looked at Sasha. She was dirty, tired looking. I wondered what she'd chosen for a last name.
"Sash."
She ignored me.
"Sasha."
She stuck her tongue out and squinted at whatever she was writing. She dotted her eyes with little sculls.
"Swag master 2000." She looked up, blinking. I sighed. "Do you have any money?"
"Why..."
"I've got like, sixty bucks. And we don't have much food back at the house."
Sasha's eyes widened with little squeaking noises. "We have a /house/!?"
Oh yeah I hadn't mentioned the house. I nodded. "Yeah, uhm, some old guy... Died... So I broke into the house... Ye... ah."
Sasha squinted, sitting up. "Did you-"
"No!" I crossed my arms. "He was /OLD/, Sasha! He woulda died anyway."
"Well what was his name?" She chewed on a piece of her hair.
"Egbert."
Sasha's head snapped up and she grinned.
"Not that one!"
"Aw!"
I huffed and fell backwards, laying on the dirty floor. Ew. "My stack was bigger."
"Ooo~"
"Not like that!" Sasha started laughing and I crossed my arms behind my head as she started talking. I blushed in anger "I have, liikeeee, forty dollars." She shrugged, looking over at me. "So, what's the plan? Do we get to blow stuff up!?" Her eyes gleamed with tiny explosions.
I grunted, sitting up. I was too tired for plans, but I might as well try for one. It was good to have one. "Uh, I guess we just... Enjoy ourselves." What else could we do? Ask Zim to send us back? He wouldn't do it in the first place, and like /heck/ I would trust anything /Zim/ made! I didn't want to be turned into, say, a corpse.
"Have fun? Is that what you're trying to say Casey!? Have /fun/!?" Sasha gasped. It sounded wet. "You know what that /means/, Casey! I never would have thought!"
I blew a raspberry at her, blushing. "Well what else can we do!? Maybe this is, like, our second chance or something?" Sasha glanced over at me and I shrugged. "Like, we both kinda had sucky lives, yeah? Maybe this is our fun life?"
Sasha pursed her lips. She was, somehow, already done with all her paperwork. She put it on the desk. Elliot didn't show up, but the papers were sucked back up into the tube. He must have gone home.
"Yeah!" Sasha grinned. "An', if I blow anyone up... They wont die!" Sasha beamed and retrieved the single sheet of paper that floated down. She looked at it. "Bitters!"
I smiled. "Alright, so... Shopping?"
Sasha's head snapped around as she stuffed her paper into her pocket. "Sho-pping?"
"You don't get to buy anything. You'll just buy candy."
"Whats wrong with thaaaaaaaaaaaaat!?"
"We cant just eat candy, Sasha. The food here is, indigestible." I made a face, looking down the hallway towards the cafeteria. I heard fake ominous music and screaming before I turned and looked at Sasha, who had a disappointed look on her face. She sighed.
"Ffffffffine." She crossed her arms. "What are we getting... Junk food?"
I smiled, standing up with her. She wiggled in place. "Well duh. But also bread n' stuff. Like, cheap cheap stuff. Just enough for a few weeks, I'd think. I don't even know if we /have/ to eat here."
"But eating is fun."
"I know, Sasha. I know." I put my hand on her shoulder gently. "But if we lose all our money, then we will never eat again."
Sasha gasped. "Noo!"
"Yes."
Sasha wilted and I giggled before grabbing her upper arm. "'C'm on, butthole."
MAN! i hope you enjoyed this! Bestest Friend is next!