Notes: I originally posted this fic under an old account on July 16, 2011.
Don't Rely Too Much On Your GPS
-x-
Kamui liked power, and right now, he was feeling very, very powerful. He held in his hands Abuto's diary. It had bunnies and flowers on the cover. Did a girl give it to him or something?
To be honest, he hadn't intentionally rummaged through Abuto's crammed, dusty drawer for the diary. It was an accident. He'd been looking for the Map of the Universe, which Abuto had conveniently shoved in the same drawer, so it was Abuto's own fault, clearly.
Still. Nothing stopped Kamui from flipping through the diary. He had dignity, but not that much dignity.
-x-
It all started fifteen minutes ago at the Kiheitai command center.
Trying to get back to Earth was a nontrivial task. The universe was big. The universe was mostly empty. And the universe kinda looked the same in all directions. Missing your wormhole isn't like missing your exit on a highway at all. You can't just hop through the next wormhole because it could be light-years away. You could run out of fuel and then float adrift the cold, empty space. Die a horrible, lonely death.
Hence, it was completely understandable when Takasugi's FML expression was unparalleled. "What do you mean, the GPS is broken?" he demanded.
"S-sir, we cannot communicate with the GPS," one of the Kiheitai engineers stammered. "It thinks we're at a redshift of seven."
"Seven?" Takasugi echoed blankly. He excelled at literature and war strategies, not whatchamacallit – technology.
"I-it thinks we're halfway across the universe," the engineer explained, trepid. "We have to reset it, but it's not responding to our commands."
Takasugi furrowed his brows. The first rule of space travel: Don't panic. Not that he would ever panic, but his minions might. Like Matako, who looked like she was about to burst into tears if the ship didn't move soon. Like Takechi, who looked like he was about to asphyxiate if they didn't make it back to Edo in time to protest the Youth Ordinance Bill.
"Well fix it," Takasugi ordered for the lack of a better response. "How long will it take?"
A cheerful voice interrupted from the mezzanine. "You rely too much on your GPS, Samurai-san," Kamui said, leaning over the railing with a smile.
Who the hell let Kamui into the Kiheitai command center?
Mildly annoyed, Takasugi asked, "What do you use, then?"
"A map," Kamui said simply.
"Of the universe? Not only does that sound ridiculous, it also seems awfully backward for amanto, who pride themselves in their technology."
"We do use GPS," Kamui amended. "But we also use maps, both hard and soft copies. Space is a harsh environment, so we have to prepare several modes of navigation, whether as crosscheck or backup. Or so Abuto told me," he added.
Takasugi stared at Kamui. The Kiheitai could just follow the 7th Squad since the latter had a fleet of spaceships, and the chances of all their navigation systems failing at the same time were astronomically low. But he didn't trust them yet, and he'd like to know that they wouldn't lead the Kiheitai straight to Betelgeuse or some other star that was about to go supernova. He twitched as he struggled to formulate his request, because damn he wasn't asking for help, but Bansai spoke first.
"May we borrow the map?"
-x-
Normally, the captain of each squad held on to the hard copy of the map, but Kamui had proven himself incompetent when it came to interpreting the Map of the Universe. ("But it's the same pattern repeated over and over again, Abuto." "That's because you're not paying attention to the details!") Not to mention Kamui had a tendency to go on random killing sprees, meaning Abuto was afraid his captain would accidentally whack the enemy with the roll of laminated map instead of his umbrella. Which would either kill the enemy and destroy the map, or – and this was more likely – fail-to-kill the enemy and destroy the map.
So Abuto kept the map. But Abuto was busy administering the Yato Hazing Ritual to the new recruits at the moment. Contrary to popular belief, the Yato Hazing Ritual, as devised by the captain himself, was not a gruesome slaughter Battle Royale style. Instead, it was a gruesome math test. Among other things. Like a cooking exam Iron Chef style, but we digress.
"Second drawer to the right," Abuto said with a sigh as he handed Kamui the key to his room after he heard about the situation. He glanced at the examinees, who quickly buried their noses in the test papers again. This reminded him why Kamui wasn't allowed to proctor the exams either. Something about Kamui's antenna distracting everyone in the room.
Unfortunately for Abuto, he'd forgotten that the book with bunnies and flowers on the cover was sitting on top of the map, blazed with the words "READ ME."
"What?" Kamui muttered and picked up the book.
On the first page, there was one line: This is not a journal.
A blatant lie, if he'd ever heard one.
He settled into Abuto's comfy desk chair and started reading.
-x-
Entry 0001
I decided to do this because it'd be hilarious to read this ten years from now. And embarrassing, but mostly hilarious. In the "what the hell was I thinking" way. I'd like that.
Entry 0004
4th Squad got a new captain today. She's real hot. I tried to ask her out, but I lost to her at poker. There goes my chance at finding true love.
Entry 0012
Went back home to hire new recruits. (Shitty place is shitty.) Almost got killed by this kid. Alas, I couldn't recruit him properly since he's still underage, but I hope he finds his way here some day.
Entry 0027
Wake up. Wash face. Discover I've run out of toothpaste.
Entry 0032
Tried to ask Kada out again before she left for some place called Earth. This time I lost at blackjack. I tried, I really did.
Entry 0038
Some kid asked for me today. I had to do a double-take, but yeah, he's here. (See entry 12.) He introduced himself as Kamui.
Entry 0051
Kid looked really lost when he first got here, but now he's running around like he owns this place. Damn brat.
Entry 0087
Raid on Planet Diamond. Fuck yeah.
Entry 0103
Some guy in the 1st Squad is blasting "I'M MAD SCIENTIST. IT'S SO COOOL. SONUVABITCH" down the hall. On repeat. Goddammit. Do you think – oh, kid just busted their door. Ah, silence. How I love thee.
Entry 0176
Everybody in our squad really looks up to the kid, which is weird because he's younger than all of us. People have also been secretly discussing about nominating him as our next captain. Which I think is totally crazy. In a good way.
Entry 0327
Happy Yato New Year. Screw happy. Well we got good food anyway. Kid claimed all the Keping duck for himself, though. Gluttonous brat.
Entry 0387
Tried to ask kid about his family today. He answered with a "When will we eat mooncake?" Tch.
Entry 0402
Make way for Captain Kamui! We traded a king for an idiot. Are we really gonna be okay?
Entry 0721
Some girl from 6th Squad confessed to our captain today. It was awkward. Right out of a shojo manga. Actually, it was even worse. But uh... I feel really bad for the girl. Nobody deserves to be rejected that way. (Don't worry, she's alive. Just... not well.) I tried to tell our idiot captain to be a bit more discreet next time, but I don't think he heard me. I don't think he cares.
Entry 0723
Aw great, that girl committed suicide, and now the whole teenage drama angst is escalating into Intersquad Politics. What's worse, that blockhead is completely oblivious to his actions, and I have to take care of everything. I really need to make sure he thinks before he acts from now on. Yeah, like that'll go over real well. I swear he was dropped on his head as a toddler or something.
Entry 0724
Phew, matter solved. Money is power.
Entry 1029
Captain is sick. I thought idiots don't get sick. But eh, someone's gotta make sure the squad doesn't lose its idiot. He actually looks vulnerable. But don't tell him I said that.
Entry 1034
This time I'm sick. Nobody's taking care of me!
Entry 1035
Wake up. Find a bowl of chicken porridge on my desk. The note says it's from Ungyo, but the scrawly handwriting clearly isn't his.
Entry 1384
April Fool's day. Which means I have to prep for more Intersquad Politics while our stupid captain makes a mess of the other squads.
Entry 2204
Latest assignment is to clean up some ugly business related to our ex-captain. That will be... interesting. Idiot captain is way too happy about going to Earth, though.
Entry 2229
6 years since –
-x-
Kamui blinked when someone snatched the book from his hands. He looked up. "Oh, Abuto," he said. "Is the exam over?"
Suppressing the urge to smack his captain on the back of his head, Abuto pointed to the open door with a jerk of his thumb. Takasugi was standing there with one arm resting on the inside of his yukata, bearing his usual "I'm pissed like hell" face.
"Oh," Kamui said, as if he just remembered what his mission was in the first place. He reached into the drawer and pulled out the map. Extending his hand with a smile, he said, "Here you go."
-x-
6 years since Kamui joined us. Watching him has been like watching a son, but aw hell, what am I saying. S'not like I'm his dad or anything. Wouldn't want such an idiot for a son anyway. Not that having him as a captain is any better.
But I'm really glad he joined us.