Chapter 4

The Consequence of Sound

Part I

At the cafe Lauren made Karma get coffee and food. Karma tried not to order a thing but Lauren insisted and even told her that she'd pay.

"So, what do you know?"

"Nothing really, I know there are a lot of facebook photos and that they look close."

"They are close. They're disgustingly close."

"Does Farrah know?" Karma asked. Farrah wanted Amy to have a boyfriend but the thought of Farrah seeing the way Amy was with Liam was sort of debilitating. Farrah couldn't even take her and Amy standing next together. How could she take seeing Amy kiss him all the time?

"She knows. She hates it. She's confused." Lauren stated.

"And you?"

"I don't know," Lauren confessed, stirring sugar into her coffee quickly and taking a sip. "I think she's projecting." The conversation came down awful sudden.

"What?"

"I think she's fucking him to feel something."

"Wait, they're fucking?!" Karma had spit out her coffee. She had no idea they were fucking. All that time she thought Amy was in love with her but Amy was fucking him? She was fucking Liam Booker? Like… MORE THAN ONCE?!

Karma wanted to scream. She held at her chest and Lauren watched as Karma had trouble finding air.

"Oh, shit!" Lauren said, getting up and moving to sit next to Karma in the booth. She held Karma close and rocked her. "I'm sorry, I thought you knew," Lauren said nervously feeling like an ass.

"NO LAUREN! I DID NOT KNOW!" Karma gasped. She let Lauren hold her because it felt good to be touched. But GODDAMNIT! AMY AND LIAM?! She thought. "I THOUGHT THEY WERE FAKING!"

"I think they are, sweetie," Lauren said. "I think they are. I think they are." She kept repeating it because there was no way to mend that wound. Lauren had thought for sure that Shane or even Amy had beat her to the punch. She didn't want to be THAT person.

"How often? How do you know?"

"Ohhh jeeez, I don't think we should talk about this," Lauren said, sitting up. She moved back to the other side of the booth and stared at Karma sadly, hoping they could talk about the rest but Karma was crying.

"I-I-I can't believe it… All this time…. I thought she was in love with me."

"SHE IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!" Lauren reassured.

"BUT SHE'S FUCKING LIAM BOOKER!" Karma screamed. The diner was loud but not loud enough to drown that out. People stared and the waitress gave them both a nasty look. Lauren took Karma's hand across the table and held it while leaning in to whisper.

"She's fucking him because she can't stop thinking about you."

"That's BULLSHIT!" Karma yelled.

"Uh-Uh," Lauren said, shaking her head. "You haven't been with her… I really don't think it is."

Lauren had been there all summer and seen the way Amy was without Liam around. She wasn't happy about Amy's newfound relationship. It was like nothing had changed since the wedding except Amy had let herself sink deeper into a well of depression.

"She cries all the time. And that's not about him," she wagged her finger and took a bite of the coffee cake the waitress had brought.

"Yeah but how can you know?"

"Believe me, I know." Lauren said with her mouth almost full.

"Fuck! This is so fucked up!" Karma held her head. She couldn't wrap her mind around it. Why would Amy be fucking Liam and why especially if she was in love with her? Karma had spent all this time feeling horrible and wanting to be alone. Only to find that they were actually fucking? Like, actually full on fucking? There were pictures and stuff but jesus, she thought.

Karma went home more confused than ever before. And she couldn't stop herself from thinking about it all. It felt weird to be turned on AND disgusted. Mostly she just felt lost, like Amy had actually changed into someone else, someone she really didn't know. That part hurt the most because it was the scariest thing about it.

Part II

When Amy got home Lauren was waiting in her room.

"Get out," Amy said.

"I talked to Karma today."

"Why?" Amy asked, she was trying to pretend she wasn't interested but she was.

"She didn't know you two were fucking. Did you know that?"

"What?! What are you talking about?!"

"She didn't know," Lauren said. "Until today," grimaced. "I accidentally-"

"YOU ACCIDENTALLY WHAT?!"

"I accidentally assumed she knew and mentioned it and oh my god THAT GIRL CAN CRY!" Lauren tried. She was trying to make Amy laugh it off but OF COURSE AMY WOULDN'T LAUGH IT OFF!

"UUUURRRRRGG!" Amy yelled and stomped, staring straight at her and wanting to kill. "GET! OUT!" She yelled.

Farrah heard from the kitchen and made her way to Amy's room, only to stop once signaled to do so by a nervous Lauren who had left in a hurry and sent a few noticeable hand gestures in the hall.

So Karma knows, Amy thought. And she didn't know before?

"FUCK!" Amy screamed, feeling her entire body shake inside of her room. Her fists were tight and she wanted to punch things.

Part III

Amy changed quickly and put shoes on. She ran out of her room and out the front door. She had to get to her, had to see her.

Inside the house Lauren sighed to Farrah and said, "FINALLY!" The frustration melting away. It was the one thing Amy couldn't ignore. Karma shouldn't know that. She just shouldn't know. It wouldn't make sense to her because it didn't even make sense to Amy. And Amy knew that Lauren couldn't have put it mildly. It's not like they were fucking in the house but they had been caught by her so Lauren knew.

Outside it was warm but Amy ran the whole way. She stopped at Karma's drive and stared up at her window wishing she could just climb up to her and dodge the whole awkward entrance part.

She dug her phone out of her pocket and texted her.

Amy: I NEED to talk to you!

Karma: Why now?

Amy paced the drive angrily, hating herself.

Amy: I'M OUTSIDE! COME DOWN!

Karma: I'm inside. Come up.

Amy growled and kicked the cement. The front door opened randomly and Karma's Mom shuffled out with a pot in her hands.

"Shit!" Amy cursed under her breath.

Amy: Your mom came outside. :/ help.

Karma got up and stood nervously. She wished she was wearing something else. She wished she was cleaner. She wished she hadn't been crying for a solid hour and a half. She wished a lot of things.

"Amy?" Molly said queerly.

"Yeah, it's me. Hi, it's… It's nice to see you," Amy tried to make small-talk but she was fuming with self-hatred so it was hard.

"Oh sweetie, we've all missed you so much," Molly said, as if Amy had been off dying somewhere instead of just ignoring the Ashcroft's like the coward she was.

"I-I missed you all too," Amy confessed, awkwardly, playing with the back pockets in her jeans. Molly put the pot down and hugged her.

"I'm so glad you came," she said, knowing how down and out Karma had been for months and months and months.

In the doorway Karma appeared.

"Mom, can I steal her?" Karma asked solemnly. She wasn't sure what to expect but she could see in Amy's face that she was already dying.

"Sure, sure," Molly said, stepping back. "Go on now, talk to your girl," Molly smiled. There was a twinkle in her eyes, a teary-mom-twinkle.

Amy nervously walked inside. Karma had taken the lead up to her room since she was scared to leave room for awkwardness. She wanted to know why she was here and it bit at her.

"Wh-what's going on?" Karma said, once Amy had come into her room and shut the door locking it.

"I-I didn't want you to know," Amy said nervously. She was talking now as if she hadn't been ignoring her friend for days-upon-days and weeks-upon-weeks.

"Know what?" Karma was sure this had something to do with Lauren. She doesn't see Lauren all summer than all of a sudden she sees her and Amy's at her door? If Karma had known what would work she would've sought Lauren out a long time ago. Not that this was great because it wasn't. Amy scared her now. The whole thing just scared her.

"Karma… Lauren told me," Amy said, standing far away and not knowing where to put herself.

"Told you what?" Karma wanted Amy to use her goddamn words. She wanted Amy to fucking explain it.

"Liam and I-"

"Oh God," Karma said, turning onto her bed and hugging herself tight. Liam and I. Liam and I. Could she please not talk that that?! Karma thought.

"Karma, come on, this is hard."

"I'm sure it is," Karma said, feeling anger again. But AMY IS TALKING TO YOU! She thought. BE CAREFUL! She thought.

"Karma… Ah fuck, look.. I can't, okay?! I CAN'T EXPLAIN THIS!" Amy was sure. She was shaking in her room and feeling like the biggest fucking asshole there ever was. Things had gotten so out of hand.

"Explain what?" Karma asked, still wanting her to say it. She looked at Amy closely, this girl she used to know. "You're not faking anymore, right? You're fucking him?" They couldn't talk about it unless Karma brought it up and she knew that now so she did it, she brought it up.

"It's not what you think. We don't love each other. We really don't."

"Who do you love Amy?" Karma asked bitterly, her face trying to hide how angry she was because she knew. "Come on, tell me. Who do you love?"

"Karma," Amy whined as if asking for help or forgiveness or something, anything.

"Say it please," Karma said. It was the only way she could live with all that was happening.

"You know," Amy shrugged painfully, looking up at the ceiling for help and then back down. "You know. I've said it." It hurt. She didn't want to have to say it again, not if it couldn't be.

"And that hasn't changed?" Karma asked.

"Jesus, no! That hasn't changed." Amy held herself awkwardly. How could Karma really not know?! She thought. "I love you…" She said sadly. "I'm in love with you." It was so weird to see her this way after so long.

Karma got up from the bed slowly and put her pillow down. Amy felt nervous, she felt like leaving, she didn't know what to do.

Karma walked toward her and took Amy's wrist and pulled her arm down away from her body, pulling her in and making her hug her.

"I don't get it," she said, and so fucking close. It was such a whisper and she was touching her so tenderly Amy felt herself leap. "If you love me so much why are you fucking him?" Karma asked, still holding her body to hers. She put her chin up on Amy's shoulder and rest her head with her girl in her arms.

"I don't know," Amy confessed, tears blinking out of her eyes as she tried to be strong.

Karma felt Amy's body shaking. She was shaking so hard, it was impossible to not feel it. And then there was the other stuff. How Amy smelled delicious and like herself. How Karma wanted to be somehow even closer even though it was impossible.

"You're shaking," Karma said calmly, not wanting for her to move. She had a hand on her hip and she loved it there.

"I don't know how to feel," Amy said painfully. She felt tender and alive and she somehow wanted Karma, even more now than before.

"Do you have any idea how much I've been missing you?" Karma asked. She felt the skin of Amy's neck on her nose and moved her lips up to kiss it.

Amy felt it like a chain reaction. Karma kissed her and her whole body caught fire.

"You can't just do that, you can't tease me," Amy shivered, trying to be strong. "I know I hurt you. I know I'm stupid but-"

"You're not stupid," Karma said, pulling her closer and kissing her neck again and again and again. Each time she kissed her it made Karma smile. Each time it made her happy and she felt her mind taken over by that pleasure of being able to, being able to kiss her because Amy was hers right now, Amy was just hers.

"Karma, please, what are you doing?" Amy's body was shaking so hard she felt like she'd fall if Karma let go. "If this is about Liam I-"

"This has never been about Liam," she said, taking her hand and running it under Amy's shirt, feeling her soft skin and her body, the body that shook when she touched, the body she missed and wanted to know again. The body she thought for sure, she could never touch again in all her world.

"Karma, wh-what are you saying?" Amy asked.

Karma leaned back to look at her and Amy seemed so frightened. Karma wished she knew what Amy was thinking. Amy was thinking this was a tease, a joke, something to get back at her, something to hurt her more. But it wasn't like that. Karma was mad but she still wanted her back, she always wanted her back.

"You know, all I needed was a little time," Karma said, wiping Amy's hair from her face and looking at her, pleasantly seeing her up close. God she missed that face and those eyes. She smelled so great, even now, even with Liam all over her, she still smelt like her Amy.

Karma looked at Amy's lips and her eyes, then she did it again, leaning closer, inviting her and wanting her. Amy felt nervous, she didn't understand.

"If you're just trying to hurt me, please don't, I can't take it," Amy hurried to get her words out since it looked like Karma was about to just kiss her.

"That's not what this is," Karma smiled, she loved having her again. She loved that it could feel normal for once, just the two of them in her room.

"What is it then?" Amy asked. Karma was close and Amy felt herself growing dizzy.

"Shhhh," Karma said, "just let me." She leaned close, parting her lips and kissing her soft, instantly needing to kiss her again.

Amy tried not to like it but Karma's kiss was Karma's kiss. The mother of all kisses, it was all she wanted in the world and Karma was kissing her now, she was kissing her and kissing her and kissing her without stop. Slowly but then faster. Softly but then deeper.

Karma felt herself wanting her, she felt her eyes squeeze with the mixed pleasure and happiness of all that was happening, she couldn't believe it, not any of it.

Once they kissed a few times Amy took charge, kissing her hard and long, like she had wanted to do. She pushed back, feeling strong and weak but strong because it was happening and because it was her.

"Uhhh," Karma moaned in her mouth and Amy smiled because Karma's body seemed weak for her. She pushed her back until she fell on the bed and then Amy was hovering over her body a smile taking her, a smile washing over her for the first time in god knows how long.

"Why aren't you kissing me?" Karma asked nervously, her eyes opening and seeing, her smile coming too because Amy was there and Amy was smiling. Her Amy was there and her Amy was smiling!

"I dunno," Amy said, nervously, hovering over her and still shivering with her heart pounding in her chest. She was looking down at Karma and making her nervous. Karma reached up and pulled her down causing Amy's whole body to fall.

"Fuck," Amy said, her body loving the feel of Karma's, her body needing the feel of Karma's. Her body responding and calming and feeling at home with Karma's body.

"Shhhh," Karma said, pulling Amy's lips to her again and kissing her slow. "Mmmmm," she moaned into her mouth. "Uhhhh," she felt her heart race. They had been apart for so long and now Amy was everywhere, all around her. It was perfect.

"Wait, I can't, I can't, I can't," Amy said, stopping Karma and pushing her away softly, just a bit.

"What?" Karma gasped, feeling the panic rise with the confusion.

"I have to tell Liam, I can't just-"

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" Karma gasped, wanting her with all her heart. "You haven't talked to me in months. I kiss you and and and-"

"Ya-you don't get it. We were faking, he knows I love you, but he was good to me, I have to, I have to-"

"Oh, well, you have to!" Karma said sarcastically, rolling away from her and not wanting to see her anymore.

"Karma, I-"

"No, no, just go," Karma said, hugging herself and hating her life, just fucking hating it all. Amy's taste was in her mouth and it was bittersweet, so fucking good but then this…

"I'll come back, Karma, I swear. I'll come right back."

"Whatever Amy, don't even bother," Karma shrugged.

Amy stood and went to her, using her hands to hold Karma's face and lovingly push Karma into looking at her.

"He helped me try to get over you and it didn't work," she said, tears crumbling her and rushing her fast. It was hard to talk about and even harder to explain.

Karma just stared sadly, she was the one who was shaking now as tears rushed her. Her chin quivered and she wanted to die. Amy pulled her close and hugged her.

"It didn't work, okay. It didn't work." Amy was choking out words through her sobs because she wanted Karma to understand something that just didn't make sense to anyone but her. After a while, hearing Amy's pain, Karma relented and held her friend close with one arm. She cried hard into Amy's shoulder, she cried so fucking hard because nothing could just work. Nothing could be easy anymore. All she wanted was to have her back. All she wanted was to be in love again with the one person who mattered to her.