Chapter 5

There's A Limit To Your Love

Part I

After a long while Karma pushed Amy to go. They didn't have to be kissing or hugging or touching. They didn't have to be but Karma certainly wished that they were. The longer Amy stayed the more tempted Karma was to just kiss her again, just touch her differently, just say something else, just keep doing what she wanted despite all that Amy had said.

There was a little monster in her that wanted to take her. A little monster in her that wanted to hurt Liam like Liam had hurt her. But that monster was wrong and she knew it so she pushed Amy away.

Whatever it was Amy needed to do, Karma wanted it done and she wanted Amy to be happy again.

Amy left the house feeling cloudy and dark. Karma had kissed her though. Karma had kissed her.

Outside on the lawn, Amy held at her lips. She couldn't help but feel them tingle as she smiled. A big part of her was giddy inside but she quelled it, shoving it down because she knew she had taken things too far with him, much farther than she should. As happy as she wanted to be, there was darkness hanging over her joy.

She went home first to talk to Lauren. She didn't know where to go and it felt wrong to talk to Karma about anything Liam related.

"Hey," she said. Lauren noticed a sudden change.

"What happened to you?" She asked, a sly smile creeping onto her face.

"Stop." Amy said, her smile fading. "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," Lauren said, walking past Farrah and throwing her a surprised face.

They got into Lauren's room and Lauren shut the door. She turned her stereo on just for show. It wasn't like Farrah to pry but it was like Amy to be paranoid so Lauren chose to set a mood.

"What's up?" Lauren asked, sitting down on her bed.

"I kissed Karma."

"I know," Lauren said. "Remember? I was there."

"No, I kissed her again," Amy said, guiltily, sitting down next to her on the bed.

"Okay? That's good right?" Lauren smiled.

"It is but-"

"What is it?"

"I feel like I fucked up…"

"Wait, so… Huh?" Lauren asked. Amy loved Karma. Amy kissed Karma. Lauren was missing the part at which Amy fucked up.

"Liam," Amy gulped.

"Your boyfriend," Lauren said. No one talked about it but everyone knew. Whatever they had it was unique and strange and secret but not at all hidden, not really.

"Sort of… He's sort of my boyfriend."

"But you kissed Karma."

"Right," Amy said. She was taking it slow.

Lauren tried to be calm because she knew anything else would chase Amy away.

"And…" Lauren said, in the most monotone voice she could muster. She didn't want to risk implication. Implication could break things and send Amy running off again into the dark.

"You know I've been having sex with him…" Amy said.

"You're right. I do know that."

"He knows I love her. He's always known."

"But?" It was like pulling fucking teeth.

"But…"

"Amy, look... I wanna help you. But you're taking an awful long time to cut to the chase," Lauren rushed her. She had been very patient but this conversation was still at a standstill.

"I think he might love me."

"Oh boy…"

"Yeah… I know…" Amy said.

"Hu-how long?"

"I dunno… A couple weeks?"

"Why didn't you stop it?"

"It felt good… He said it was okay?"

"But you knew it was coming?"

"I did… But I couldn't stop," she pleaded, looking Lauren in the eye.

"Amy… What did you say to him. When was the last time. When did you last say you didn't love him?" Amy was so very frustrating. Lauren wanted to shake her.

"It was recent actually," Amy swallowed again. A tear fell from her eye and she wiped it away.

"If he knows, then he knows," she tried to comfort.

"But what if I break him?"

"Do you want to stay with him?"

"I dunno… It's safer I guess."

"Amy… You weren't happy."

"I know," Amy cried. Lauren watched as Amy cried into her hands.

"But now?"

"I dunno," Amy whined. It was hard to think about it all. Things were happening so fast now.

"Ah fuck," Lauren said, pulling Amy into her and hugging her tight. "Just talk to him, sweetie… It sounds to me like he already knows…"

Her words had been true. Liam did know. Amy and Liam had talked about it. Liam had already said for Amy to go. There wasn't anything she had to feel bad about. There wasn't anything she wasn't honest with him about.

But she still felt wrong. She still felt so incredibly wrong.

Part II

She pulled up to his house and walked in since she knew his parents weren't home.

"Liam?" She called. There was silence in the rooms and for a second she thought that maybe he was out.

"Amy?" A soft familiar voice came from down the hall. "I'm in here," he said. And she followed that voice expectantly.

He was in his little gym, lifting weights and watching tv. He always exercised when he was stressed. That was part of the reason his body was so fit.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked, standing up in case she wanted to hug him.

"I just saw Karma," she said sadly. "We need to talk..."

He sat back down on the bench and thought for a minute.

"Can you wait a second? I wanna shower."

"Sure," Amy said.

"There's food in the fridge."

"Thanks," Amy sighed. It was no help. She couldn't eat a thing.

He showered quick and changed into a basic tee and a pair of cotton shorts.

"You look cute after you shower," she said.

"I know," he smiled, hugging her close and kissing her head. She let her eyes close as she breathed him in. He smelt strong and safe and familiar and safe and sexy and safe and safe and safe. "You're quiet," he said.

"I don't know how to say what I came here to say."

"I already know," he sighed.

"What do you mean?" She asked.

"I've been waiting for this." He held the side of her face in his hands, her body pressed to his, and he wished, just for a little while, he wished he could stop time.

Amy kissed his palm worriedly. So he knew but he didn't say?

"Waiting since when?"

"Monday… After school…"

"The car?"

"Yeah… The car…" He took a piece of pizza out of the fridge and bit into it sadly, dropping the rest down on the counter since it tasted like nothing now in his mouth. It could've been sweet delicate cake and it still would've tasted like nothing.

"But we…"

"Yeah, we had sex."

"But you knew?"

"Yeah… I knew…"

"Liam, you're too good to me," she felt nervous.

"No, Amy, I'm really not." He sighed. He walked back over to the couch and sat down feeling sorry for himself and stupid for letting things go.

"You are," she said. "This sucks. I feel like I'm hurting you."

"I would rather keep you, ya know?"

"What?"

"I'd keep you. Even knowing you didn't love me." It had somehow been the perfect arrangement for him. The closest he'd ever come to a steady relationship and mutual love. It was different from Karma, there were no lies, not tricks. He stayed with Amy because he cared for her. And he had never done anything for that fucking reason. Never for a girl. Not for this long.

"I love you, it's just-"

"You're not in love with me, right?"

"Right," she shook, watching him relax into his new depression.

"And I knew. You told me. You haven't lied to me. You haven't led me on."

"It just sucks," Amy said. "It really does."

"This is the longest time I've ever wanted to be with someone," he confessed, looking her straight in the eye.

She got down before him and held his hands.

"I can't even tell you how much you've helped me. If you weren't," she choked out. "If you hadn't," there was no way to explain.

"I'm sorry, Amy. Fuck, you shouldn't feel bad about me," he started to cry. It was hard seeing her sad for him. Hard seeing that she cared so much but couldn't be his.

"Liam," she got up on the couch and tried to hold him but he was big and hard to hold. Once he turned it made it all easier. She felt his soft hair in her palm and his strong arms wrapped up in hers. He held onto her arm and he wept almost silently.

"Don't feel bad for me, please. Don't feel bad," he tried to talk.

"I'm so sorry," Amy said, kissing his forehead and rubbing his hair. He had been the biggest victim. Of everything he had been hurt the most.

Amy couldn't stomach it, she couldn't stomach what she had done. She had no way of knowing it would happen but it did. Liam had started to care for her and she had seen it and let it go. He had cared for her and she had kept on like it was all the same. But it wasn't. It wasn't the same. And she knew. So she felt responsible.

He cried a long time and Amy held him. He cried a long time and they both fell asleep.