*I gotta say that I am lovin' this liamy love*

*and yes, I too would prefer to end this in a kiamy (threesome) relationship but I know it would not go over well with most of the fandom so I'll probably have it end in karmy with a happier and more accepted liam, fyi*

Chapter 6

Maybe I'm The One To Blame

Part I

At home alone, Karma watched as the minutes slowly ticked by. Amy had been gone a long time, a really long time. First it was an hour, then it was two. Then it was three, then four. The hours went and went and Karma waited and waited as long as she could.

Around 3am she had started to cry. Around 4 am she had gotten far too tired to even do that much…

All she could feel was defeat as she drifted helplessly off to sleep.

Part II

On the other side of town as light shun silently through the kitchen window Amy woke up in Liam's arms.

"Oh my god," she said, realizing where she was and who she was with. Liam stirred and she shook him. "I have to go," she said. "I have to go."

"I can drive you," he offered.

"I drove here," she reminded. "I'm sorry Liam. I have to." Go. She had to go. And she was already out of breath.

Liam rolled away from her, none of it mattered. Life didn't matter. It was all pointless shit. He fell right back to sleep and she noticed, leaving him quietly. Amy silently hated herself. She couldn't help but feel horrible for leaving him like that on the couch with his parents so absent, and his life an obvious mess. All she learned over the summer was that Liam really did have no one else. There was a reason for all of his shit behavior and for a little while she had somehow helped to tame him. It hadn't been her goal. She hadn't cared while it was happening. She hadn't even questioned it because after the shit-storm of faking it, it just seemed normal that Liam should want a bit of normalcy, even just to pretend.

She hadn't realized, at least not until school started up, that he was actually quite satisfied with their off-kilter relationship. Their stormy ups-and-downs. Their agreed upon solitude. He had loved it all while she had been silently drowning.

He wasn't happy for her pain but he was happy that he could be there for someone, anyone. He was happy to be there for her. He liked her. And consistently, for months on end? Amy had needed him and he had been there for her in so many ways.

Leaving him felt fucking wrong. It felt criminal.

But thinking of Karma and knowing that she had probably waited up all night only to be ditched at a time like this? It killed Amy, it really did.

She could only deal with one problem at a time and all of her problems were suddenly beginning to feel self-inflicted. If everything had been Karma's fault before, Amy knew it was all her own fault now. Karma may have made waves and tried things out but Amy had recklessly fallen into trap after trap. Pushing away the girl she loved? Repeatedly forcing the boy she didn't love to fuck her into thoughtlessness?

There was something EXTREMELY wrong with her and she was finally waking up! Finally seeing it!

"IDIOT!" She chastised herself out loud, feeling a wreck as she left out Liam's front door, shuffling sloppily down his drive in her tired and frustrated state. Needlessly, she thought she only had herself to blame.

It was only around 6 am but she already wanted a drink. Nervously she swallowed hard in her throat and longed for something that burned. It was the wrong way to go and she knew it now. She had been fucking up for so fucking long.

She fumbled to her car feeling idiotic and mean. She drove straight to Karma's and knocked impatiently on the front door, trying to calm herself down.

"Amy? Wow, you're up early!" Molly said.

"Can-Can I see Karma?" She stuttered, seeming dire.

"She might be asleep," Molly warned. The sun had only come up a little while ago. Molly had been sipping coffee and reading one of her new magazines since she enjoyed the smell of her plants in the early mornings. The fresh soil and morning dew calmed her soul better than any words or thoughts ever could.

"Please?" Amy begged, it was like being 5 again. Amy Raudenfeld came to play. Only it wasn't for play. Amy was there because she had fucked things up. Again, she was there because she had fucked-things-up.

"Okay," Molly laughed. She was happy to have Amy back, even if Amy was dire and filled with stress and possibly anger. Molly would never assume to know what was going on. She knew bits and pieces but that was all. The girls were talking and that was all that mattered. It was a good thing at last. A very good thing.

Up the stairs and down the hall, Amy basically ran to greet her but stopped slow at Karma's bedroom door. She paused just outside and tried to calm herself but it was impossible. All the feelings in her had surged during the drive. Standing just outside the room where Karma quietly breathed, it was enough to make Amy explode. Her head rushed and swelled in all the thoughts she was having, all of them conflicting. What scared her the most was the thought that she may have just dreamed it all. But that thought was crazy because it had all really happened, after all. It did happen.

Gathering strength, she opened the door and saw. Karma was slumped over in bed with crumpled tissues all around her.

"Shit," Amy said, knowing all too well what those tissues were about. She shut the door softly and carefully pulled her sweater off, throwing it onto the ground. One by one, she peeled off her shoes and socks before crawling up the bed to lie near Karma and be close to her. All she wanted was to hold her again. All she wanted was to know she could be safe again, safe with her.

When Karma didn't wake, Amy scooted close and wrapped her up in a tight hug. She was smiling so big and she felt crazy from it, so goddamn crazy. The smell of Karma's hair in her nose, the touch of her skin, the way Karma breathed soft on her arm and made very little noise, it was all so familiar. She felt her heart swell and her stomach stir and her smile stretch and her tears just come without pain. Her head swam with how impossibly right it felt.

"I love you so much," Amy said, to her sleeping friend who was so tired she couldn't wake.

It was the best feeling in the world and she wanted it for all of time.

Part II

Much later Karma woke to the feeling of being held. So many mornings had gone on over the summer, so many mornings where she awoke and felt alone.

Today she woke and felt held. She was scared though. Who was holding her. She reached her hand up and felt the soft skin. Breathing in she smelled the familiar smell.

It was Amy. Amy was with her.

She stirred and Amy woke. Smiling despite it all, Karma rolled over to face her. She put a hand to Amy's face and Amy held it with her own.

"Hi," Amy said.

"Hi," Karma mirrored.

They stared, just stared. Both smiling momentarily like bliss-filled idiots.

"Sorry it took so long…"

Karma didn't know what to feel. Tears rushed her but she smiled despite them.

Those words were somehow perfect.

Amy had taken a long long time to see…

"What?" Amy asked queerly, when Karma said nothing but looked at her like she may just hold all the secrets of the world in her eyes.

"I'm just happy," Karma laughed. Tears spilled out of her but she was smiling. Amy brushed the tears away with her thumb and watched as Karma's eyes closed in the pleasure of her gentle and loving touch.

"I miss you," Amy said.

Karma still wasn't sure if they were talking in code. Everything that Amy said seemed to speak volumes about their time apart. Everything had a duality to it. Simple words just carried so much weight and hearing them at all filled her inside and weighed her down in an unexplainable way that was both good and bad. She didn't want to move or speak or change. For now they were together. For now they were okay.

Truthfully, she'd stay silent forever if it meant they could just be happy again and never have to look forward or back. The thought of losing her again, it frightened her more than anything else in her world.

"You're so quiet," Amy said, staring back at her, never wanting to look away.

"I'm scared to speak," Karma barely got her words out between holding her breath and trying not to burst with feeling.

Amy searched her eyes, the pain in her strong. She leaned forward, pulling Karma's face gently close to hers. Karma took a soft nervous breath before Amy's lips pressed sweetly to hers, making her still. She kissed her like she had wanted to for so very long

"Mmmm," Karma moaned as Amy's lips smiled onto hers after gently parting. That was better. When Amy kissed her she could let herself be okay. When Amy kissed her she could remember how much she actually needed to breath to stay alive.

"Mmmm," Amy mirrored, tasting Karma's smile. Amy let herself feel that feeling she had been trying to ignore. That feeling she wanted. Fuck, that feeling was fantastic. It was like nothing else in her world. She kissed Karma and felt happiness. She also felt it as Karma came closer with that kiss, holding onto her face and pulling her close. Her own mouth opening more as she tasted her back. She wanted her too, God, so much.

With longing and ease, they kissed like only lovers could. Losing themselves in the slow and torturously sweet feelings of wanting and receiving, trying and letting someone else try.

All of this time. They had been trying to fix things with words. But they had been beyond words for so long. Words made things complicated. Words fucked things up.

This was good.

This was better.

Karma pushed into Amy, closing her eyes tight and wishing she could kiss her more somehow. Amy felt Karma's mood turn desperate and she opened her own eyes to see Karma's expression. It was like Karma was still somehow hurting. Almost like she wasn't happy.

Amy pulled away and brushed Karma face with her fingers, trying to feel what it was that was missing, what it was that was wrong.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked.

Karma shook her head no, pulling Amy into her again and kissing her harder, fighting to feel her more and more, holding onto her for dear life as if to let go would mean losing her forever.

It hurt to kiss Amy after how long she had been away. It hurt to know that if things had been different maybe they could've saved each other earlier, saved each other time, heartbreak and time.

"Karma, what's wrong?" Amy asked, trying to stop her.

"Just kiss me," Karma begged sadly, pulling Amy close and kissing her hard. Amy felt as Karma pushed her body onto hers, moving Amy onto her back and making it almost impossible for her to breathe.

"Karma, stop," Amy said. It wasn't right. Karma was obviously upset. "Please, stop. I don't want to touch you like this."

In the middle of fighting Amy and trying to force her to kiss back, to hold her, to be strong on her and want her back as fiercely as she now wanted her desperately and beyond all reason, Karma suddenly began to shake. The feelings in her were so strong and fighting her every move. Without meaning to, and with Amy fighting her, she began to quickly break down.

Truthfully, the fight in her was all gone. Karma had nothing left.

"Shit," Amy said as Karma let her shaking body fall down ontop of her. Amy felt as Karma's body went limp and Karma's hands fell at her sides to clutch at her desperately and her head fell down on her chest. Karma trapped Amy beneath her since she had nowhere else to go and no will left to move. "It's okay," Amy said, feeling Karma's helplessness as she cried violently ontop of her and tried to bury her face in Amy's neck and stiffle her sobs. Instinctively Amy wanted to hold her, to fix her.

It wasn't okay. Why had it taken so long?

All this time Karma had been hanging on by a thread.

Now that Amy was back she could let herself break. She could actually feel how close she was to losing Amy forever.

But how could Karma explain that she had actually given up? She didn't think she could win her back. She didn't know why Amy was suddenly there. And all of that, all of that hurt.

Amy held her, feeling responsible but clueless. She had hurt her so much and it was all her fault.

Either way, both of them knew that the tears were long overdue.

Amy ran her hand up the back of Karma's neck and held her head close, with her fingertips touching Karma's soft hair. She let her eyes close sadly as she wished she could somehow go back, take it all back. Comfort Karma, tell Liam that they couldn't go on. If it had stopped even a month before… Things would be better now.

But it had taken her a long time to realize what she was doing. Amy had been lost in a haze and not even Karma had been able to snap her out of it and get her to wake. It had taken too long.

Karma roared into Amy's neck and clutched at Amy's sides with her hands feeling that familiar body that had been so far away for so very long. She felt the skin beneath Amy's shirt and cried with all of her heart because for a while there Amy had felt like nothing but a long lost dream. She was real though and she was here. Karma couldn't take it. She couldn't take that it had all really happened and that Amy was actually real again, real to her.

Life had been so cruel to them both and it hurt her, just to know.