AN: I always get inspiration for writing late at night, which is totally inconvenient. Like, I'm lying there in bed at 2am and suddenly get an idea! And it's so brilliant and I'm like 'Omg you should do that!' but of course it's 2am and I don't want to get up... So then the morning comes and I furiously write down what I thought of. Thank God I don't forget! (usually) That's what happened to me on Wednesday and even though this Chapter was done, I had to add it. Because it was perfect.
Speaking of Wednesday, did anyone watch Young & Hungry? I did, and I kinda loved it! Plus it's got my girl, Emily Osment - you can't go wrong there!
Anyway, enough of being sidetracked! I get this odd mix of fear and excitement whenever I hear my email ding that I have a new review! Which is weird considering I've only had one bad review thus far... In any case thank you all for reviewing and for the favourites and follows! I very much so appreciate them:) We're coming closer and closer to the end which makes me both sad, and happy at the same time! I feel pretty damn accomplished haha! So I hope you all enjoy this installment! Read, Review, and Enjoy! :D
Oh and I literally don't know any street names or numbers in Miami, so forgive me if this is an actual street... Or isn't.
Parties & Mistakes
Chapter 19: Ally's POV
Anxiety is not a state of mind that you constantly want to live in. But it's a problem I've been dealing with because once I get over one thought, another comes creeping right back up on me.
How can I do this?
Is it normal to feel this sick?
Can I do this?
Can I tell Austin?
I bet Trish feels awful. Why'd I put this on her?
How would Austin feel?
What did I get myself in to?
Can I raise a child?
Can Austin raise a child?
What would this do to his career?
What would this do to my future?
Should I have an abortion?
Am I strong enough to have an abortion?
Am I strong enough to have a child?
Where do I go from here?
Millions of questions swarmed my brain. They made it impossible for me to think, to sleep, to function as a normal human being. I was already exhausted because of these pregnancy hormones, I needed my sleep. I certainly wasn't getting enough at this point. Staying awake and worrying was not at all helpful. All my worries probably stemmed from me over analyzing everything. But when you have an analytical mind, what else is there to do?
I sighed and propped my head up against the passenger side window. The palm trees sped by, reminding me of how I used to count them when I was little. I used to count each one, name them and add them to my mental list of trees in my 'tree army'. My parents thought it was adorable and my mom thought it was some sign that I would be a Zoologist just like her. Realizing that now makes me just want to go back there. It was so much simpler.
"Ally?" Trish spoke from the drivers seat. "Are you crying again?"
"I don't know," I stated, taking a moment to realize I was in fact, crying. I shook my head and wiped my makeup-less eyes for the umpteenth time. "I was just thinking about how I used to count palm trees and how I totally wish I was back there again."
Trish stopped at the light and looked over to me. Her lips moved into a thin line as her eyes creased with pity. "I'm sorry. I know you wish this wasn't happening and that you were a kid again, but at some point you have to deal with this."
"What kind of world is this where Trish is being logical and I'm reverting back to childhood?"
"I don't think you're reverting with that kind of vocabulary," she laughed, adding air quotes around certain words.
I rolled my eyes as Trish drew her attention back to the road. We were deep in the heart of Miami, far from our little neck of the woods. As soon as the bell had chimed to notify the end of school, we were off. I made my last futile attempt to get away from all of this, but Trish found me. We had an hour to get to a place that, very well may take longer than an hour to get to.
Trish scanned the streets. Each and every number on the buildings. She watched the people on the side of the road, looking for any sign of something resembling a clinic.
When I'd finally gathered the nerve to look up this place online, I found out it was a 5 story building, with the pregnancy clinic being on the top floor. It was Dr. Valentina Moyer's own practice. She'd built herself up over many years and now had around fifty staffed just within this clinic. I'd also found out she, herself, had a kid at a young age. I guessed that that was why she had a soft spot for teenage pregnancies. It also gave me a tiny symbol of hope that she had actually made something of herself, even with a pregnancy behind her.
"What was the address again?" Trish asked, turning into a parking lot. "I think I might have passed it."
I shuffled around in the centre console of her car. There was a little compartment in between the two seats that stored papers. I opened it up and grabbed the map we'd neglected this whole trip. Trish had assured me she knew where she was going.
"Umm," I mumbled, unfolding the paper. "2435 Front Street."
"Okay, and we're at 2444."
She restarted the car and pulled onto the road. We went back the way we came, looking out my side of the car for the clinic's address. Eventually, I saw the building. The one I had over-researched the past few nights. Trish smiled as it came into view and quickly turned on her flasher.
When she finally dulled the engine after pulling into a shaded spot, I was overcome by the situation. Every emotion I ever had for this situation settled in my stomach. I stared at the cars passing by the clinic, envying all the people who were just normally going about their day. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath and tried to find some sort of centre.
"Ally," Trish spoke, agitation creeping into her voice. "It's already 4:15, we have to get going."
"Since when do you care about time?" I asked snidely.
She rolled her eyes and opened her door. "Since you got yourself into a situation where someone needs to."
Trish slammed the door shut and I winced. How did I manage to get myself here? I continued to stare out the front window, not even bothering to undo my seatbelt. More than just a tiny part of me, wanted to stay in this car forever. I didn't need further confirmation of my predicament. I didn't need to take tests, hear how far along I was, hear my due date, or see an image plastered on the screen.
So maybe I was in a tiny bit of denial. So what?
I jumped when Trish opened the passenger side door and forcibly took my seatbelt off.
"Get out of the car," she spoke.
It wasn't so much a question as it was an order. I untangled myself from my legs - which had been drawn up to my chest - and slipped back into my Uggs. I grabbed my glasses out of the cup holder and exiting the car, placed them back on the bridge of my nose. The building in its entirety, focused before me.
This is my future.
I brushed my hands on my leggings, picking at the fabric. All I could do was stare at what was before me. I was motionless and terrified.
"Come on," Trish broke through my thoughts. My eyes jumped to hers and I saw sympathy reflected. She smiled and began walking, trying to prompt me to move from my spot. With a sigh, I finally moved my tired feet towards the next step of my life.
Trish stopped in the lobby to look at the signs for the various floors. "It's the 5th," I mumbled, defeat evident in my voice.
She backed up a few paces and joined the three other people waiting for the silver elevator doors to open. I stared at the tan place cards of all the Doctors. There were hundreds of names and titles. It made me dizzy to think of all the possibly sick people in this building. I directed my gaze to the small pharmacy in the corner, trying to think of anything other than why I was here.
The elevator dinged its arrival and people began filing in. I stood frozen as Trish tried to direct me in. I registered a woman asking Trish something, but she waved her off. Seconds later, the doors whooshed shut.
"Ally," Trish said, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I broke my gaze away from the cold metal doors, glanced at her face, then settled on the floor. "Al, you know you can do this and you know you have to. It's not time to play chicken, it's time for the next stage of the plan."
"I don't have a plan," I shook my head. I was as agitated as she was; I wanted this over.
Trish stormed over to the wall and slammed the elevator button. It lit up and dinged as the elevator arrived right that moment. She laughed snidely and grabbed my arm, forcing me to come with her. She pressed the button for the 5th floor and smiled triumphantly. But as soon as the motion appeared on her face, it vanished. She closed her eyes and when they reopened, she was staring at me.
"What?"
"I don't mean to be pushy, Ally. I know I shouldn't be pushing you, least of all now. I know I'm making you deal with something you don't want to and I know if it was up to you, we wouldn't be here. But you have to face this."
"I know," I swallowed. "I don't want to but I know."
She nodded and grabbed my hand, squeezing tightly then letting go once the elevator doors opened. There was a set of glass doors before us after we stepped out of the lift and into the main hallway. Trish made her way towards them as I, again, remained frozen in my spot. When she pushed the door and held it for me, I realized I actually needed to follow. Swallowing some of my fears, I shuffled passed Trish and into the main lobby of the clinic.
A petite blonde woman sat at the curved front desk, smiling at the incoming visitors. I walked towards the blue topped reception area, Trish on my heels. All I could do to keep myself standing was thinking that this day would be over soon. This would just take like an hour and then I could go home. I mean, maybe the tests from Monday were false, maybe this whole appointment would be a relief.
"Can I help you guys?" the blonde asked. I recognized her voice from the phone call Trish had made and noticed her place card did in fact say, Elena Yapovski.
"Yeah," Trish spoke, taking the lead from me. "My friend has an appointment today."
"Alright!" Elena said cheerfully. "Name?"
"Allison Dawson," I said demurely.
"Ah, Dawson right! I remember that! Like the Titanic; that's my favourite movie!" Elena gave another ten watt smile and typed something into her computer. She reached below the desk and produced three sheets of paper, a clipboard, and a pen. She handed them over and informed us that Dr. Moyer was a little understaffed today so they were a tiny bit behind. The sheets were for me to fill out while we waited.
I pivoted on my heel and faced the chairs in the lobby. Nearly all of them were full. There was a woman who looked as though she was in her 30's with two toddlers. She was visibly pregnant and had dark circles around her eyes, but she still looked happy. Another woman was there with who I assumed was her husband; a huge diamond ring was on her finger. They looked blissful - like newlywed Barbie and Ken. Next to them was a mother and her teenage daughter. The tiny redhead seemed devastated and her mother's lips were drawn in thin white lines, she was clearly angry. I shifted my eyes away from them to a tall, put together, business woman who seemed to be near the end of her first trimester. In contrast, there was another teenager who was busily typing on her phone. She had bright green hair and looked like she didn't have a care in the world.
And then there was me.
At the end of this square of women, is where I fit. I slumped down into the seat on the end and Trish sat across from me. My attention turned down to the clipboard. The first sheet was general information about myself, while the other two were more detailed about this appointment.
Allison Christina Dawson. 'Ally'. Born September 12th 1997. I filled in my address and each of my phone numbers. I neglected to put down the Sonic Boom's number as I didn't want them to call there. Next was if I wanted a detailed message about each appointment, I checked yes and wanted it directed to my cell. My emergency contact was my mother. Even though she knew nothing about this, if anything were wrong I'd want her here. I then checked off my gender, race, ethnicity, primary language, and relationship status. I signed that sheet, then quickly flipped to the next.
I caught Trish's eyes on me as I filled in the questions. She was calm, but there was something off about her that I couldn't quite place. Stretching out my shoulders lightly, I turned back to the second purple sheet. I filled in my name, date of birth, and age again. The rest needed much more attention.
Menstrual History
They were simple, basic questions. It wasn't something I really spent much time thinking about, but they weren't hard at all. I answered each with ease.
First Day of last period: October 14th 2013
# of days between: about 30
# of days you bleed: 5-6
Age of first period: 13
Amount of bleeding: medium
Sexual History
Severely non-extensive, I felt like writing on the sheet. Instead, I answered all that was asked, laughing slightly. I have had sex with 1 male partner. I was 17 my first time. I don't have pain or bleeding with sexual activity. And I've never had a pap smear.
Next!
Pregnancy History
None! Except this one, but who even knows if there is a this one...
Contraceptive History
Well obviously I don't have much of one considering I'm here.
Gynecologic History
I haven't had any of the problems listed. Moving on.
Health and Nutrition
I don't know how often I exercise per week. What do I do? I walk around the store, sometimes I'll swim, I'll run around doing stupid things with Austin and Trish and Dez. But formally? I don't really exercise. I eat a well balanced diet. I get calcium through milk products. I get vitamin D through the sun. I drink alcohol at parties and sometimes it makes me wind up in stupid situations! Ex. Having to come here. I don't smoke and I don't use other drugs.
I sighed, somewhat satisfied that I had at least finished two of the sheets. When I glanced across from myself again, Trish was gone. She had moved beside me as the girl with green hair had been called in. It seemed like Barbie and Ken had left too.
The first question on sheet three was about family history. Offhand, I couldn't really remember much. All I knew was that my Grandma had diabetes, my Grandpa had heart disease, and my cousin suffered from depression. I checked those boxes off for family and moved on. I wrote down that I'd been close to breaking my arm in second grade, and broke it in 6th. I didn't have any known allergies but I did need glasses. I checked off the vaccines that I knew I had, and that I wasn't a victim of domestic violence.
The final question came into view. Would you like a detailed summary of this appointment? Yes.
"Are you done?" Trish asked as I flipped back to the first page. I nodded and tried to even my hurried breathing. One step at a time. That was just one step. Now there's just one more.
"Allison Dawson?" an Asian nurse, with flowing bleach blonde hair called. The tiny redhead who had been sitting with her mother snapped her head up and I absently wondered if people knew who I was. Was Austin really that big?
I stood up and Trish again, followed on my heels. The nurse smiled as we joined her and led us down a long hallway to the room at the end. She assured us Dr. Moyer would be in soon. I was surprised to hear that Dr. Moyer herself would be the one to visit, and not one of her staff.
I aimlessly walked around the room, taking stalk. It was a large square room, sectioned off into different areas. In the back corner along the curtained off windows, was a desk with three red cushioned chairs situated around it. Behind this desk was a wall of smiling babies, all apparently had been delivered by Dr. Moyer. The walls were a muted emerald tone that seemed to match the festive garland that had been strung around the entrance. There were various posters hanged on the walls about reproduction, the womb, babies, and inspiring quotes. In the second back corner was a stool which could be moved along that wall to the medical bench. It was a cool silver metal with a brown cushion situated on top, parchment paper covered it - awaiting its next victim. There was a divider placed in the corner directly across from the desk which I assumed people changed behind and next to that was a scale. Everything put together gave me a weird vibe. It both resembled that of a doctors office, and didn't at the same time.
Trish moved towards the desk, grinning at all the faces of little babies. They only made me feel worse though. Soon enough I'll have one of those, won't I? It won't just be some dream. Soon I'll have my own Pearl to go with my newfound identity of Hester.
The door clicked and I whipped around, my ponytail inadvertently hitting me in the face. A tall, Hispanic, woman entered the room, wearing a pristine white lab coat. She beamed at us, hand extended and waiting for a hand shake.
"Hi," she spoke, clasping my hand and shaking. "I'm Valentina. You must be Allison. And Allison's friend?"
She peered around me to Trish who was still staring at all the children. "Oh, yeah!" Trish said and rushed to greet Valentina. "I'm Trish! And might I say, you have amazing hair!"
Valentina smiled and laughed, while heading towards the other side of the desk. She gestured for us to sit down and turned her attention to me. I slunk down in the seat; this was not my proudest moment.
"So I like to keep things relatively informal around here. It keeps the atmosphere a lot more comfortable and allows more openness, I think." she said shrugging off her white coat to reveal a deep mahogany shirt and black pants. "May not be how other people do it, but it's how I run my practice. It's why I just refer to myself as Valentina. I don't want to be some intimidating woman who's looking down at your private parts. I want you to be able to tell me absolutely anything."
Trish nodded and it took me a moment to realize, Valentina was looking for the same response from me. "Oh," I spoke unintentionally.
Valentina's eyes creased, softening. "Honey, I get how completely terrified and out of you mind you must be, trust me I get it. I was young myself when I had my baby. But he's made me who I am today and I wouldn't change that for the world. Whatever you think you can't do, I guarantee you can. It might be hard but when is life ever easy?"
I let out the air I had been holding and gave her a wry smile. She gingerly took the clipboard out of my hands and ran her finger over the points I had written.
"So what got you here?" she asked.
"Sorry?"
Her eyes creased into laugh lines again. "Your story. What brought you to this point?"
"Uhhh," I started, trying to find a way to word what I was going to say. "I was drunk and slept with my best friend at a party, while he was dating someone else and she found out and plastered that all over the school and made my life a personal hell, while she laughed and the school laughed and I just felt awful and everything just built; I assumed I was just stressing but when it all blew over and barely anyone was calling me a slut and Austin and I got together I realized I was so late and that just doesn't happen to me. Ever."
I took a deep breath. How had I said that without breathing? God, that was the first time I had said all of that out loud. It sounded crazy. Valentina blinked at me, taking in all the information I had just spewed.
"Well damn," she said, eyebrows raised. "That's a lot for anyone to take in. But, nonetheless, we have some things to figure out. So you haven't had a period since October, is that the main reason you're here?"
"Yeah."
"Well, that and the positive pregnancy tests," Trish supplied.
"How many tests are we talking here?" Valentina asked.
"Three," I sniffed.
She nodded, stood up from her chair, and clasped her hands together. "Alright, well this may not be the news you want to hear, but having 3 home pregnancy tests come up positive, means they are positive. It's hard to get that many false positives and if you did it right - which I'm assuming you did - then that's your answer. However, I can do a blood test and urine analysis for you if you need absolute confirmation."
"Yes please," I whispered. I knew I was pregnant already, but maybe if I had it spelled out on official paper, I'd believe. Maybe I'd be able to do more than just one step at a time. Maybe I'd actually have the confidence to tell Austin.
Valentina rushed around the room, finding the proper items so she could perform the test. She gave me a bottle of water so that it would be easier to find a vein, and I would have an easier time going to the bathroom. I watched her as I drank. She was putting everything she needed onto a metal tray and lining it up on a rolling desk that was next to the stool.
"Okay," she said snapping the gloves into place on her hands. "Hop on up Allison."
"It's Ally," I said, hesitantly making my way over to the bench. There were steps at the bottom so I wouldn't have to boost myself.
"Right, I read that in your notes."
I looked down as she gingerly pulled up the sleeve of my fuchsia blouse. I found my hands shaking ferociously and desperately tried to distract myself from the current situation. After Valentina had securely tied the band around my upper arm and had the vials and tubes at the ready, she came in front of me. She smiled and put her hands on my shoulders, telling me to relax. A way to calm my nerves was to use a special type of yoga breathing. I did as she told me and watched as my hands steadied. I closed my eyes and swallowed, feeling the tiny prick of the blood test.
"And we're done!" she said pressing gauze to my elbow crease and putting tape overtop. "Now that might bruise and be a tad sore but it won't do much more than that."
I nodded and she allowed me to hop down to do the urine test. She led me to the bathroom that was across from her office. I realized how awkward this must be for Trish. She wasn't doing much, just sitting there and watching. I was about to freak out and there was nothing Trish could do about it.
When I finally made my way back to the original room, gross urine cup in hand - Trish and Valentina were talking. I guess it wasn't that awkward for her... As I walked closer and placed the cup on one of the counters, it became very clear that they were talking about Zaliens. God, what was it about that movie?
Valentina laughed then smiled at me. "All set?" I nodded and she stood up taking the cup and placing it with the blood test. "I'll take these down to the lab. The urine analysis will be ready by the time you leave, but the blood test won't be ready for 24 hours and since tomorrow's Saturday and the lab isn't open on weekends, I can't give you those results until Monday! Don't worry though, I can give you a positive or negative result based on the urine test."
"You know," Trish said, once Valentina had left. "She's pretty cool."
"I wouldn't know," I mumbled.
"Ally, stop! No freaking yourself out right now!"
"How can I not freak out when everything in this room reminds me of my current situation?"
"Well it's not like the walls of this room would be painted with death and decaying buildings!"
"Honestly? I would much rather that than smiling children."
Trish rolled her eyes and walked over to the wall of babies. "See this one?" she pointed to the one in the centre. The picture was old and fraying, but held a baby with gorgeous blue eyes. "That's Valentina's kid. He's adorable! Obviously he doesn't look like that anymore but he looks happy. She told me how proud she is of him. He's apparently graduated college, top of his class! Look where he is and look where she is! That's what you can do!"
"It's not that easy!" I started to cry. "You can't just magically say that all your dreams can come true because it worked out for one person! Look at all the babies on that wall and think of all the ones who aren't! Think of all the babies whose lives are shit because they weren't the ones where every dream came true! What if that's me? What if I'm the one who can't provide? Or gets rejected? Or gets kicked out? What if I can't do any of this and I can't go to college and this kid can't go to college? What if I'm the exception to all of those rules on the wall?"
Trish stood there and stared at me. It was the first time I had actually blown up at her. The first time I had voiced what had me the most terrified about all of this.
"You're not," Trish said, surprise evident in her voice. "You're stronger than this. And you won't be rejected or whatever you think. Come on Ally, you're my best friend! I know you! Valentina reminds me so much of you. She has that same drive that I know is hidden somewhere in this mess."
I shook my head vigorously and scoffed. "I don't know where that is! I don't know where it went and I don't know if it's even coming back! I'm pretty sure I failed that Biology test on Thursday, that's not very driven now is it?"
"That's fear," Trish said confidently. "You're just being clouded by fear."
"Yeah," I scoffed. "Hell yeah, I'm afraid. I'm terrified! I cant do this."
"There's solutions to that."
"I can't do that either," I whispered, shaking my head. Trish pursed her lips and stood awkwardly by the desk. She didn't know what to do and neither did I. No matter what I chose to do, there was no easy fix. I had nothing to fall back on and I was scared beyond belief.
"Okay, so I have confirmation from the urine test!" Valentina called as she sauntered into the room. She still looked rather pleasant but once she fully took in the situation, her face changed. "I'm sorry Ally, you're pregnant."
Confirmation. Pregnant. And what can I do about that? I broke down even further and Trish led me to the red chairs again. Valentina came over and kneeled before me. She grabbed my hands and held tight.
"I know that's not the news you wanted to hear and I know you've found this yourself on your own. And I'm sorry. It's terrifying. It's scary. It's horrible. I know. I can't tell you to stop your emotions or your reactions, but this isn't the end of the world. I promise you it's not as bad as you feel right now." she gave me a wry smile then shook her head. "I'm not going further with the exam. It's not going to be productive for anyone and it's only going to further your apathetic mood. I want you to be calm before we go any farther with any exam or decision, okay? What I suggest our next move is you coming in and just talking. Not now, I want you to just go home and relax now. But I want you to come back." she straightened and walked to the other side of her desk, flipping through a schedule. "I'm at the hospital on Wednesday to meet a patient. I have some time around noon; that'll be your lunch hour, I assume. I'd like to meet with you at my office there and talk over everything you're feeling. Is that alright?"
I used her breathing technique to calm myself down so I was able to talk. "Okay."
She smiled and wrote that down in her notes. "Use that breathing technique I showed you. It works as you've seen and it really calms you down. I'd also like to suggest something else that you might not be so keen on. I want you to tell the father."
I sucked in a gasp of air, surprised. "I don't know."
"Think about it."
Silence followed Trish and I as we made our way out of the offices and into the main hallway. Classical music enveloped our journey down in the elevator and only our footsteps were heard scuffing through the main floor and the parking lot. We got back into the car and I clutched the paper that Valentina had given me with the positive result on it. What am I going to do?
"So you're really not going to tell Austin?" Trish asked, agitation in her voice.
"I don't know," I said wiping at my eyes and scrunching myself up in the passenger seat.
She drummed her fingers against the steering wheel. "Seriously?"
"Look, obviously I'll tell him eventually, I just don't know when."
"What? Like when you can't hide it anymore?"
"Trish!" I yelled. "Can you just give me this? You've steered this whole thing, just let me tell Austin on my own. Okay?"
She rolled her eyes and ignited the engine. "Fine."
AN: And somehow my chapters keep getting longer... Oh well that's better for you, more to read! Also does anyone know what Ally's birthday is? Like there's no mention of this, so I made it up because my friend has a personality very similar to Ally and she's born on September 12th! I promise you Austin finds out incredibly soon(like within the next chapter soon), so don't worry that's close! Can we get to 100 reviews? Yes? Yes? Yes?