AN: So I'm up, sitting on the beach thinking 'God, wouldn't a summer romance be awesome?' You know, like the ones where you meet the guy up there and go swimming and kiss under the stars by the water? Haha, so maybe I'm a romantic and a little delusional... The second I thought that my boyfriend comes and sits down beside me and I'm like 'Oh yeah, I kind of already have that...'

I have my moments sometimes... That was completely irrelevant to this chapter. Anyway thank you for reviews, favourites, and follows; I saw them when I got back! I loved that you guys all liked Austin's POV:) I also had a whole lot of nothing to do on vacation (which was awesome and relaxing) but it equaled a ton of writing! So I'm not announcing anything yet, but next week I may have a tiny announcement:P

I'm in a particularly sad part of the story, but it comes back up within the next few chapters. Twists and turns people, twists and turns! Read, Review, and Enjoy:)

Parties & Mistakes

Chapter 23: Ally's POV

I stared at the white washed walls in my hospital room. I couldn't understand how anyone could spend an extended amount of time here. It was so plain, so barren. It really gave you time to think. But that was honestly the last thing I wanted to do right now.

I didn't want to think about what had just happened with Austin or the reason why I was lying in this bed. More than anything I wanted to go home.

The door clicked open. I half expected Austin to come back in and tell me everything was okay again, but that was not the case. My mom ducked in, bowing her head slightly.

"You've been crying," I stated.

She blinked and pulled a chair up next to my bed. "So have you."

I swallowed. It's not like she was wrong. I looked away from her and back to the bricked white walls.

Please, don't ask me what happened.

I didn't even want to look at her, let alone talk about all of this. Every time I saw her face, it just looked like this frazzled woman who slightly resembled my mom. There was sadness and disappointment in her eyes and I hated being the one who had caused that. I saw it in Austin too. He looked so worried and so desolate. Guilt plagued me to the core for making everyone feel this way. I had made their faces turn into permanent frowns and I couldn't forgive myself for this.

"Ally," my mom spoke and my eyes jumped to hers. "Talk. You look like you're eating yourself up."

I was. But I couldn't tell her that, that would only make her feel worse. I didn't want her to be even more disappointed in me than she already was.

"I'm fine," I mumbled.

She shook her head and scoffed, reaching for my left hand. "No. No you aren't, honey. You can tell me that. You need to be honest with me about all of this."

"I'm fine, really."

I turned away from her once more and heard a sigh. I was undeniably close to losing it again. If I spoke I knew I wouldn't ever stop crying. And if I started to cry, I knew that my mom would start crying. I didn't want to cause her anymore pain than she was already in, let alone myself. Not thinking about it was the best route at the moment, so that's what I was doing.

"Okay, look," she spoke, agitation creeping into her voice. "I've given you all the space in the world, Ally. I let you talk to Austin before you did to me. I didn't ask a thing. I didn't question any of this. I've just been sitting here in the dark silently dealing with the fact that my daughter not only had sex, but she got pregnant from that encounter - then subsequently lost the baby. I've been sitting here for the past day trying to understand how all of this is happening and all I'm getting is little tidbits from Austin and Trish. It's time to open up."

"I- I can't," I stumbled.

This was a mess. Everything was a mess. I couldn't have her involved in my mess.

"Ally, why don't you trust me enough to talk to me?"

I met my mom's gaze. Her eyes were glassy, weary behind glasses much like my own. Her hair was pulled back into a frazzled ponytail, pieces pouring out and over the lines of her drawn face. There was an unbearable amount of worry on her features. I can't believe I did this.

"I'm so sorry," I cried. Tears streamed down my cheeks for the umpteenth time that day. I cried when I woke up, I cried when they told me what had happened, I cried when Austin came in, and now again with my mother - I cried.

Her face broke, tears spilling from her already puffy eyes. "Oh God, Ally stop. Please, you have nothing to be sorry for. I just want you to talk to me. I just want you to tell me what's going on with you."

"Everything's a mess, that's what's happening!" I moaned, bunching my hands in the fleece fabric of my blanket.

"Oh honey, that's life!" my mom laughed sadly, pulling a piece of hair away from my face. "Let me be a part of your mess."

I shook my head. "I slept with Austin. That's where all of this shit started."

She closed her eyes, relief flooding over her features. At least I'd said something.

"You know," she gave me a wry smile. "I've never heard you say shit, but I guess that's a good place to start."

I took a deep breath and let it out. I told her everything from the start to what brought me to this moment. As I spoke her face grew increasingly guilt ridden, which only made me feel worse. Everything in the past month and a half seemed like the lowest point I had ever been in my life. It terrified me that I was actually here. That everything had led me to pouring my heart out in a hospital room.

"Al," my mom stopped me when I began explaining the happenings of yesterday. "That's a lot for you to deal with on your own."

"I know," I sighed. "I feel awful for putting Trish through all of that. I owe her everything."

"You could have told me."

"I know," my voice wavered, the choking cries threatened me again. "I just didn't want you to look at me like you are right now."

She tilted her head to the side and smiled sadly. "I'm only looking at you like this because I hate that you had to go through this on your own. From the start, this is something so completely out of your element. I wish you would have told me. I wish I could have been of some help to you."

I looked down at my hands and sighed. "Well now you know. I don't know what you're going to do with it but, now you know."

"I'm going to try and help you through this next stage. If you'll let me?"

I nodded and bit my lip. I didn't want to be this girl. That's all I had left. I was this girl. This girl who cried over the simplest of things, this girl who was still known as a whore at school, this girl who couldn't figure out how to tell her boyfriend she was pregnant, this girl who kept to herself, this girl who lost a baby, this girl who kept her mother in the dark.

I'm a horrible person.

I buried my head in my hands, curling up into the fetal position with outcry from my new scar. My right side ached as much as my heart did. There was a hole where my baby - and right fallopian tube - used to be. I had done this.

"Ally, sweetie, you can't beat yourself up over this. Talk to me, what are you feeling?"

"I did this," I mumbled, through clenched teeth. "I killed my baby."

"Oh honey, no," I felt my mom's hands on my back, rubbing gently. "No you didn't. There's nothing you could have done differently. Women have miscarriages all the time, it's not your fault."

I laughed mirthfully. "So you're saying it's the other women's faults?"

"No, I'm just saying there's nothing you did or could have done."

"Maybe if I actually wanted this, it would have happened differently," the words sat in the room for a moment. My mom was close to answering before I interrupted. "I'm such a horrible person. I don't even want my own baby."

I heard my mom take a long deep breath before responding. "No, you're just seventeen, Al. I can assure you that no seventeen year old would be ecstatic to have a child. Don't eat yourself up over that either. Anyone in your shoes would be feeling this way. You feel guilty that you lost it, but also relieved that it's gone - which makes you feel even more guilty that you didn't want it and somehow you got that."

Bingo.

That was exactly it. I felt that my body had failed me in the most basic and extraordinary thing that I was supposed to be able to do. I felt that I had failed this child who was no longer going anywhere or was even alive. I felt so incredibly relieved that it was over though.

That's what was killing me. The fact that I should be miserable that I lost a child, but I'm really anxiety free. I'm a horrible, terrible person. There are so many people who want children then lose them and here I am, happy at that exact process. Which isn't entirely true, I'm not by any means happy, it's just I didn't expect it to feel this good.

God, I'm a miserable excuse for a human being.

How can I be happy about losing a child? Oh my God, I lost a child. How am I such a failure that I lost a child?

My thoughts spiraled in different circles of guilt. I failed. I lost it. I'm relieved. I'm an idiot. I can't believe this. I hate this. My mom must hate me. Trish must hate me.

Austin hates me. After everything I put him through, there's no other emotion he could feel for me.

"Austin hates me," I said.

"What?" my mom asked, shock in her voice. I wasn't sure whether she was shocked over the content of my statement or because I hadn't spoken in a while.

"I'm sure of it," I peaked out of my fort of blankets to see my mom smirking. "Austin must hate me."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of all of this," I gestured around me. "I put him through a lot of hell. I almost cost him his career. I made a lot of people hate him. I didn't even tell him I was pregnant, Trish did it instead. I toyed with him because here I am now, not pregnant. I kept things from him because I was so afraid. I love him with all my heart and now he hates me."

"None of that would make him hate you, sweetie."

I shook my head, tears brimming in my eyes. I was going to dehydrate myself soon. "I could see it in his eyes today. He was so pissed off, he just wouldn't tell me. He hates me."

My mom smoothed out my hair, smiling gently, laugh lines around her eyes. "He's your number one fan, Ally. He came here yesterday as soon as he knew what was going on. He stayed until I forced him to go home and came in first thing today - with the same clothes that he had on the day before, might I add. Mrs. Moon was telling me that he didn't sleep well and that he was a mess worrying over you. He's in love with you."

She paused letting me digest all of this. "I don't understand."

"If he's angry, he's allowed to be. You're angry yourself. You guys have been thrown for a loop and need to find your footing somehow. That'll take time. I have no idea how long, but I know that he'll wait. No one here is mad at you, Ally - least of all Austin. Everyone just wants what's best for you. If Austin was angry today, then it's good he got out of here right? He came in and saw you, that's all that matters. He couldn't handle something and he removed himself, that's definitely for the best. He'll be back, I promise you that."

"After all of this, why would anyone come back?"

Her eyes creased and she pouted. "You're still the same old Ally I've known and raised. You got yourself into a pickle, but that doesn't mean you can't get out. It also doesn't mean that anyone loves you any less. We're all here for you 110%. Anything you need. Just remember that we do love you, and you're of no less worth now. You're worth every cent I paid."

She laughed and I smirked slightly. I still didn't get it. How could anyone even remotely like me after I failed this badly?

"I will build you up as much as you need. What do I need to tell you?"

"I don't know," I closed my eyes. "Why does it have to hurt so bad?"

My mom grabbed both of my hands and clasped them together in hers. "It's a loss, honey. It's going to hurt. I'm so sorry that you've had to hurt for so long. Promise me that if ever you're going through turmoil again, you'll tell me. Promise me that you won't pull away."

"I'll try," I said. "I just don't know how I'm supposed to react to this."

"I'll tell you what I told Austin earlier this morning. Whatever you're feeling right now is completely normal. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to yell, then yell. If you want to smile, then smile. If you want to sleep, then sleep. If you want to talk, then talk. You need to do whatever helps you process what's happened. Just know that we're all here for you, whatever you need." she smiled at me and I returned the gesture. She squeezed my hands and I squeezed back.

"Okay."

"So what do you want to do?" she asked me.

I shrugged. "I don't know."

"What do you want to tell your dad?"

"What have you told him?"

She pushed away from my bed and pulled her phone out of her pocket. "Basically I called yesterday and told him you were in the hospital. I wasn't entirely clear what was happening, so I didn't outright lie. He ditched the business trip early and got the next ticket back from New York. He should be here fairly soon."

"So he doesn't know?"

"Do you want him to?" she asked, pulling up the text messages on her phone. "I was just about to text him."

"I wouldn't tell him what happened on there!" I said, wide eyed.

She laughed. "I just meant when he gets here. I'm texting to see where he is now."

"Oh," I glanced over at the only source of colour in this room. My dark green door. Did I really want him to know about this? My mom and I just had this whole discussion about honesty, and she was now asking if I wanted to lie to my father. I kind of understood why she asked though. Would I be able to deal with this if he knew? I knew that he'd be even more disappointed in me than my mom was... He'd be angry. Not only angry, he'd probably want to kill Austin.

"I was thinking that because of where your scar lines up - if you didn't want to tell him - then we could say it was appendicitis. I mean the scar is just a little lower than if it were that, but it was laparoscopic surgery and it's on the right side; I think he'll overlook that."

"So you've already got this all planned out?" I asked.

"There is a lot of time to think when you're alone at the hospital. I was just wondering, would it be easier for you this way?" she asked me, having sent her message to my dad.

I nodded. "I think I could deal with this better if he didn't know. I just don't want to complicate things more with him and I don't want to give Austin yet another reason to hate me."

My mom shook her head and giggled. "Austin doesn't hate you. He loves you, okay? Just don't pull away from him. You both need each other more than anything right now."

"Yeah," I muttered. I was already terrified to see him again. There was such distance in his eyes when he left this morning. I didn't ever want to see that again. If that's what this whole situation caused, I hardly wanted to deal with it. I wanted to go back in time, but that was a little impossible.

I sighed and chipped at some leftover nail polish on my fingers. I hope people can still like me after this. I hope Austin can still love me, still want me.

In spite of all my failures, I hope I'm still the same.