Chapter 6
"You're allowed to have one bad mission, Shep," Kasumi soothed.
"It was awful," Shepard said into her pillow. She had come up to her quarters to find Kasumi and Tali waiting for her.
"I still don't understand why he drugged you," Tali said.
"To save me from further embarrassment?" came Shepard's muffled response.
"I think he was just one of those ex-merc types with delusions of grandeur. Come on, he wanted to take Omega from Aria single handed," she said. "If he recognised you he probably just wanted to get rid of a threat."
"I can't believe I let that happen. I was so unprofessional," Shepard said, getting off the bed. She hadn't changed out of Kelly's dress but she had washed all the make up and humiliation from her face. She pulled her hair back into a high ponytail and cringed in the mirror.
"Maybe you just need to loosen up a bit," Kasumi said, "you've done so much for us, you can't carry your frustrations along to the Collectors, Shep."
"Yeah, do some yoga, punch a krogan, release some tension," said Tali.
"I only know one good way of releasing tension," Shepard said.
There was a long pause as everyone mumbled their agreement. Kasumi hadn't gotten any since Keiji and Tali hadn't, well, it had been ages.
The door to her quarters swooshed open as Jack walked in. "Rough night, Shepard?" she said, ballsy as ever.
"These are my quarters, right?" Shepard asked no one in particular.
"I heard what the cheerleader said," Jack said hopping onto the table. "Ignore her, she's a bitch."
"She was right," Shepard said. "I jeopardised a mission."
"She's still a bitch," Jack said.
"How long has it been since you had sex, Jack?" Kasumi asked.
Shepard was constantly impressed by Kasumi's ability to cut straight through the bullshit. Tali was less comfortable talking about 'the act of love' in Jack's, admittedly more imposing, presence.
Tali made a squeamish noise and told Kasumi to stop it.
"What?! That's what we were talking about. Jack doesn't mind. She's hardly shy, look at her," Kasumi reassured Tali.
"She's right, I don't care," Jack said.
Of course Jack didn't care talking about stuff like this, she had already insinuated sharing Shepard bed if they were to ever abscond as pirates. "Well I'm nowhere near as scary as you so..." Shepard said.
"I get it whenever I want it," Jack said, smugly.
"Really?" Kasumi and Tali said together. Shepard fell back on her bed at the injustice of it all.
"'Course! I wear belts across my nipples for fucks sake! Men are easy," Jack said with a shrug.
Shepard groaned loudly. "Why can't I get it when I want it? I want it. Let me have it!"
Tali laughed at her. "Calm down Shep, you'll get it."
"That's easy for you to say, Garrus would bone you right now if this room were clean enough," Shepard said throwing her pillow at Tali.
They fell about laughing as Tali blushed under her helmet. As much as she protested, Shepard loved having nights like this with her girls. She wished Miranda were there too. It was fun watching her and Jack throw insults at each other. This is just what she needed to feel better about that ridiculous mission.
"Hey Shepard, if you're that hard up I'll let you borrow my boob belt," Jack said, preparing her biotics to fend off the advancing pillow.
...
"Thanks to a few stern words and shredded pillows," Shepard said, looking at Miranda and Jack, "I've come up with a way for us all to get things off of our chest."
She paused for effect and to gauge everyones reaction to being called to the debriefing room on another of her whims.
"I'm just gonna throw it out there so let me know what you think," she said, building it up. "Sparring." he finally said with a huge grin.
Silence. Great.
"Okay, help me out here, Garrus." She had gone to Garrus with her idea first after remembering something he said about blowing off steam. He obviously thought it was a great idea so he could take all the credit for it.
"Well, sparring was, uh, basically the idea," he said, unsure of what Shepard's encouraging facial expressions were supposed to mean.
There was a chatter of enthusiasm amongst her crew. They were all good fighters on the field with the help of massive guns and shields, but some were less confident with their hand to hand. This would be good for them.
"So you're really gonna let us beat the crap out of each other, Shepard?" Zaeed asked. "Don't get me wrong, I think it's a great idea, but there's enough maniacs and assassins on the crew to take down a small army."
"Maybe we should keep things gender specific, you know," Jacob said. "Make sure nobody gets hurt." He said this with a half laugh that faded quickly.
There was a chorus of 'what', 'who the fuck...', 'I'll kill him', 'my code says I can crush him' and some flaring of biotics amongst the female crew.
Garrus drew a whistling breath through his mandibles. "Oh boy, Jacob. That was just not smart."
"Well, of course not you Commander, I'm not saying I could hurt you but..." Jacob tried.
"Just the rest of us snowflakes then?" Jack asked, nostrils flaring. She was absolutely itching to plummet him through several walls of the ship.
"Oh God, man," Zaeed said. "You've killed us all. Now they've all got something to prove."
"Okay, okay," Shepard intercepted, sparing Jacob from digging any deeper. "Now we've established every woman in the room wants to hurt Jacob, and I can assure you we're all capable of it, when shall we do this? Is everyone on board?"
"This sounds like so much fun, Shep!" Kasumi thrilled. "I can't wait to work on my hand to hand. I just hope my delicate little wrists can take it." She laughed looking at a flushed and worried Jacob.
"I too would be keen to exercise my combat skills," said Samara. Shepard was glad she was getting involved in things on the Normandy again since her run in with Morinth.
"Okay, next time I'm on the citadel I'll buy some matts and we can put them down in the hangar." The crew looked at Shepard like she was stupid. A few exchanged amused looks like 'silly commander'. Thane simply bowed his head. He had shown little emotion throughout the meeting What else is new, she thought.
"You mean pillows, Shepard?" Grunt asked. "That is weak."
"Grunt is right, Shepard. No padding or matts in battlefield. Combat training most effective when there is threat of injury. Makes reflexes faster, people work harder," Mordin said.
"And if someone breaks a leg or pops a knee? You're just gonna hobble after the collectors?" Shepard asked.
"Plenty of medi-gel on reserve. Inclusion of matts not likely to prevent broken bones or... popping," Mordin countered. He was right and she knew she was being a baby when she thought, how dirty is that hangar floor?
As the crew got more and more into the idea of beating the crap out of each other, it was decided they would go down the the hangar tonight. They weren't scheduled to dock at the citadel until the next day and even then there was nothing really to be done. Shepard needed supplies and she knew Thane would likely go to visit Kolyat. The rest of her crew were free to come and go while the Normandy was docked and few missed the opportunity to get off the ship. Kasumi always went off in search of ramen on the citadel.
The majority of her crew had left the debrief room to make space in the hangar for wrestling. Miranda was stood whispering with Kasumi and Tali. Shepard wanted to ask what was going on but she was still a bit peeved by how Miranda had spoken to her.
"I have a suggestion," Miranda said, as if acknowledging Shepard's curiosity.
"Well if only we had a box you could stick it in," Shepard said in a decidedly sulky tone.
"Even though we are on a suicide mission and it goes against so many protocols, I want us to have a birthday party," Miranda said slowly, emphasising the words 'suicide' and 'protocols'.
"It's your birthday?" Shepard asked, a little surprised Miranda would allow such trivialities.
"No," she said.
"Oh," Shepard replied.
"It's yours," Miranda said. "Next week."
"I knew she'd forget," Tali said. "She forgets every year. Shepard, do you know how old you are?"
"Technically? Or do the dead years count?" Shepard asked.
"Anyway, I wanted to do something to make up for being such a hard ass," Miranda said.
"You can't help how well sculpted your arse is," Shepard replied.
"That's not what I meant," Miranda said, smiling despite herself.
"I know. Forget it, we're fine," Shepard said.
"Well, I still want to throw a party for you. We'll be going after the IFF soon and we could all do with some down time. As good as the sparring sounds, I think we can do both," Miranda said. "But I am going to suggest that we keep it on the Normandy. Less chance of being drugged."
...
The hangar was colder than she remembered. She hadn't been down here without all of her armour on before. She regretted not pulling on a jacket. The flimsy fabric of her bra and vest didn't suitably cover the outline of her nipples. She folded her arms and thanked the gods that most of her crew were alien and had all their own lumps and bulges to account for.
In between shifting crates around in the hangar, most of the crew had gone to get changed. All of them had relinquished their bulky armour in favour of something they could move more freely in. Space was a difficult place to keep track of time so recently the crew had been eating and sleeping pretty much whenever they felt like it. Before Shepard went to Garrus with her 'blowing off steam' idea, she caught a few hours sleep as advised by Chakwas.
When Garrus walked in he was wearing his loose fitting, all blue sweats. They sat comfortably on his angular body and Shepard was reminded of a comfy pair of pyjamas. When she commented he looked ready for bed, she saw a mischievous glint in his eye.
"Oh yeah," he said, stalking over to her. "You think you could take a man in his jammies?"
"I think I could give it my best sh-ARGH," Shepard yelled as Garrus hauled her over his shoulder and started bouncing her up and down.
"Put. Me. Down!" Shepard couldn't control the laughter that was being shaken out of her. "You. Big. Comfy. Bastard." The crew were cheering and jostling each other. Jack had climbed on Zaeed's shoulders and was wrestling with Kasumi who was perched on top of Jacob. Shepard was pleased her crew were having such a good time, even if it was at the expense of turian shoulder blades digging into her ribs. She noted the less rowdy of her crew were stood conversing happily. Samara and Tali were stretching, while Thane was politely listening to Mordin ramble. She caught Thane's eye from her perch on Garrus' shoulder and swore she caught a glimpse of jealousy at her physical contact with Garrus.
Garrus had stopped jiggling her and asked if she would respect his wardrobe choices in future.
"And if I don't," Shepard asked, stupidly as he began bouncing her again. "Okay! I promise. Now put me down," she said, punching his back.
He conceded and placed her on the floor and took his place next to Tali.
"So, how is this going to work, Shepard?" Tali asked.
"Well, I'm new to this too but from what Garrus has described it seems to works best as a competition. One fight at a time, otherwise there'll be chaos, and winner gets to the next round," she explained to the group. "We've all got varying degrees of training so this is the most practical way to learn tactics against various species. It's not like we're lacking in variety."
"How do you win?" Jacob asked.
"First one to get the other on their back wins," Garrus explained. "How shall we do the draw, Shepard?"
"Names in a hat?" she offered.
"How retro," Miranda smirked.
...
"This is so exciting," Shepard said, smiling. "I haven't pulled names out of a hat since I was at space school!"
"I thought you were home schooled?" Tali asked.
"Yeah, in space," she replied like it was obvious. "Okay, I've written everyones names down on scraps of paper and put them in this upside down cone because I see no hats and Kasumi wouldn't let me use her hood."
"Okay, here we go!" she said with glee. "First out the hat is... Mordin!"
"You're making this a little more camp than a turian ship would," Garrus said.
"Shut up," she said, holding out the cone to Mordin. "Would you like to pick your competition?"
Mordin reached into the cone and revealed a small square of paper. "You've been drawn against Tali, that seems like a pretty fair fight."
After that, Jacob was drawn against Garrus, at which point Jack was bitterly disappointed she hadn't gotten the chance to smear the wall with him. Samara got Zaeed, Thane was drawn against Kasumi and Jack got Miranda. Everyone was pleased with that draw as it meant they finally got to see the fight that had been brewing for months. That left Grunt and Shepard.
"Well I'm not gonna get to the final," Kasumi said forlornly.
"I'm looking forward to seeing Samara and Zaeed come together. That's quite a culture clash," said Garrus.
"I can't wait for my fight," Jack said.
"Play nice," Shepard warned. She was beginning to wonder if this was really a good idea. She liked the idea of working out some frustration but she worried about some of her more unstable crew mates. I've taken on a lot of krogan, she thought looking at Grunt, but never with my bare hands. Meh, he's like a really big toddler, it'll be easy... maybe.
...
Mordin and Tali approached each other awkwardly. This perhaps wasn't the most exciting draw they could have picked to go first.
Garrus stood between them and asked for a clean fight. As if they were going to get anything dirty from these two.
"FIGHT," Garrus shouted abruptly making both Mordin and Tali jump.
Here goes...